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AIBU?

to feel like we are being used/tested for money?

117 replies

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 10:33

Strap in, I'll try my best to keep it brief but I really want you to see full picture for advice. DD13, makes new friend at school (DD has had lots of friend issues historically and pretty lonely, has wide group of "friends" but more they are a group than actual friends if that makes sense!) anyway, new friend comes along, also had similar issues - great I thought, two girls very similar this could be the new proper friend DD has been looking for. New friend (lets say NF) invites DD to tea and sleepover, yey great start! She then tells her she must bring £10 because her mum has said so.... lots of toing and froing and basically they are having McDs for tea. I tell DD that hers only comes to £3 and so if I send £5 that will be plenty - mum tells NF to say no, she MUST bring £10 to pay for Just Eat delivery charge...ok gets my back up a little but I go with it. We move on to next invite - come to a day out - there are fair rides at this place (couple of pounds each). NF tells DD 'my mum says she doesnt mind taking you but she definitely is not paying for you' followed by 'I have a £15 allowance for the day so she says you have to bring the same'...now Im starting to get a little irked - I cant afford another £15 on top of last weeks £10 and DD not a big ride fan so maybe would only do one or two. I then arrange a halloween gathering for the group including NF - parents told I will provide all food, entertainment, treats and decorations if they bring their own drinks as I have had issues in the past with some not allowed fizzy, some intolerance, colours etc etc - NF comes back with the response 'my mum wants to know why your mum cant provide the drinks too'. I am really struggling with how to keep responding to these demands. I ALWAYS supply everything when DD has sleepovers, parties, friends for tea etc (that doesnt mean I expect everyone to be the same and have no issue at all in DD paying her way - in fact I insist on it) but really not too sure about the attitude and the way this is coming across or how to tackle it. Dont want DD to miss out, and also NF as I dont think its coming from her but I cannot fund these types of extravagance every weekend. From the outset they appear to be a family similar to ours, both working but possibly close to the bone due to cost of living etc - but AIBU to think that they shouldnt be demanding set amounts and DD definitely shouldnt be having to pay delivery charge for their takeaways?

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Am I being unreasonable?

483 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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silverclock222 · 17/10/2022 11:25

I think its NF that's taking the money.

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Confusion101 · 17/10/2022 11:44

Next time dropping DD off could you speak with the mum and request her number? Then deal with all communications yourselves instead of through the girls. That way u will quickly figure out if its the DD or the mam and can nip it in the bud.
Also just throwing out all possibilities jot accusing at all, have u seen the msgs? Could your DD be keeping the extra money?

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Hankunamatata · 17/10/2022 11:51

Well you have the reason why NF has friendship issues

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Caiti19 · 17/10/2022 11:58

This is so crass, and what horrible etiquette for the NF to be learning, assuming the Mother is genuinely making these demands. I wouldn't respond to the drinks question and just give everyone water. Water is nice with salty snacks. I would also only allow your daughter to accept invites that don't come with a price attached. What's that? 10 pound charge? No, tell her thanks, but you can't make it this time. Continue to invite NF over, let them just hang out and do cost-free activities. Serve tea if she's there at tea-time, but something simple and inexpensive. The important thing is that the two girls spend time together. Nuke all this talk of money entirely! This woman is obviously fairly advanced on the cheeky f*ckery scale (you're invited to tea at my house - actually, I want you to pay for a McD's for your daughter and also to subsidies ours), that any communication on this topic needs to leave zero room for response from her. It needs to be a statement "It's so lovely that the girls have developed a great bond. Just wanted to let you know that we won't be able to accept invites to your house anymore that are accompanied by requests for payment. It's just not something I want my daughter exposed to as a social norm. We love having X here, and she is always welcome. Thanks"

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magicscares · 17/10/2022 12:03

Very weird. If the family are finding finances that tricky then I doubt they’d be rushing to order in Take aways & days out 🤷‍♀️.

I wonder if it is NF pulling the strings & taking the dosh for herself?! Definitely sounds like strange behaviour from an adult. Not that money is tight, but the way they are asking for money comes across as grabby.

I can understand why you want to foster new friendships for Dd, however this doesn’t sound like it’s working IMHO.

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Discovereads · 17/10/2022 12:06

I would try and talk to a NF parent directly.
I don’t think anyone is deliberately being a CF.
I think lots of families are struggling and this sort of counting pennies on both sides and is new territory for some and it’s difficult to navigate especially when using children as messengers.
I think both you and NFs parents are trying to keep a bit of fun in their lives. Nothing wrong with that.

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littleducks · 17/10/2022 12:09

I'm surprised the adults are so involved at 13, do you live very rural or something? I would expect the girls to be making and budgeting for their own plans at that age.

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ThrowingSomeCrumbs · 17/10/2022 12:12

I'm still stuck at the fact you can feed a 13 year old a meal for £3 from McDonalds!!

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DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 17/10/2022 12:13

What is your daughter getting from McDonalds that’s only costing £3? Fair enough if she’s ordering a happy meal but you said she’s 13? Or is she ordering a hamburger, small fries and a drink from the saver menu? Not judging at all, just curious as my DS is 10 and his order would come to more than £3 Blush Totally agree you did not need to send £10 Shock I think some people are just tight OP, and usually try to subsidise themselves using others money where possible.

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DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 17/10/2022 12:14

@ThrowingSomeCrumbs Cross posted!

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Aposterhasnoname · 17/10/2022 12:16

I’d be speaking to the mother. It’s years ago but I had similar with my DD, turned out she was making it up to get extra spend out of me

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MeridianB · 17/10/2022 12:17

Who invites a child for tea and then charges them? No more messages from children - you need to speak to a parent.

Better still, stop op sending DD there - there is something very weird going on.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:29

Thank you all so much for replies so far - just to answer a couple of questions - I have seen all messages exchanged so definitely not DD, she does have her own financial allowance from us for doing little jobs but in these types of scenarios we would give her a little extra but absolutely 100% sure its not her. In regard to handing over the money, she was asked for it on arrival at NFs by parent so know that it went straight to her. NF did tell DD that 'if there is any left over she could have some change' but when DD asked for the change she told her that there wasnt any from her meal. I havent gone straight to NF mum as they are nearing 14 rather than early 13 so I try and let her sort as much as possible herself but they do live a bit of a drive apart so we have to be involved to some extent.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:31

DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 17/10/2022 12:13

What is your daughter getting from McDonalds that’s only costing £3? Fair enough if she’s ordering a happy meal but you said she’s 13? Or is she ordering a hamburger, small fries and a drink from the saver menu? Not judging at all, just curious as my DS is 10 and his order would come to more than £3 Blush Totally agree you did not need to send £10 Shock I think some people are just tight OP, and usually try to subsidise themselves using others money where possible.

Yep exactly that! She literally has hamburger, small fries, small coke - occasionally switches it up to an iced drink/smoothie but very rarely over £3ish mark. She not a huge eater at such as meal times (that being said, McDonalds wasnt ordered until 11pm so she was pretty peckish by then!)

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Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 12:31

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:29

Thank you all so much for replies so far - just to answer a couple of questions - I have seen all messages exchanged so definitely not DD, she does have her own financial allowance from us for doing little jobs but in these types of scenarios we would give her a little extra but absolutely 100% sure its not her. In regard to handing over the money, she was asked for it on arrival at NFs by parent so know that it went straight to her. NF did tell DD that 'if there is any left over she could have some change' but when DD asked for the change she told her that there wasnt any from her meal. I havent gone straight to NF mum as they are nearing 14 rather than early 13 so I try and let her sort as much as possible herself but they do live a bit of a drive apart so we have to be involved to some extent.

Wtf. Just stop it. A play date should never involve money changing hands unless it's it's day out at a theme park etc and has been agreed by parents discussing it in advance. I would have declined the invitation on your daughters behalf once the cheeky fucker mum had demanded 10 quid for a mcds at their house. Grow a back bone, this is not a good friendship.

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Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 12:32

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:31

Yep exactly that! She literally has hamburger, small fries, small coke - occasionally switches it up to an iced drink/smoothie but very rarely over £3ish mark. She not a huge eater at such as meal times (that being said, McDonalds wasnt ordered until 11pm so she was pretty peckish by then!)

They had dinner at 11pm??? No way would I let my daughter go back there. Weirdos.

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MeridianB · 17/10/2022 12:34

So these ‘host’ parents charged your DD three times the price of her junk food meal, and she had to wait until after 11pm to eat? Surely you know the answer here, OP.

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Weemummykay · 17/10/2022 12:35

DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 17/10/2022 12:13

What is your daughter getting from McDonalds that’s only costing £3? Fair enough if she’s ordering a happy meal but you said she’s 13? Or is she ordering a hamburger, small fries and a drink from the saver menu? Not judging at all, just curious as my DS is 10 and his order would come to more than £3 Blush Totally agree you did not need to send £10 Shock I think some people are just tight OP, and usually try to subsidise themselves using others money where possible.

If I go to McDonald’s with my oldest his always costs more than mine. I usually just get a burger n drink or happy meal. His is usually a large Big Mac meal 😂

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VatofTea · 17/10/2022 12:37

It's all too awkward, not worth the hassle, you are paying for their choices of food and entertainment, not your or your DD's preferences, you have to pay to ensure they have company during their choice of entertainment. No, this is not fun, just back away from them.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:38

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 12:31

Wtf. Just stop it. A play date should never involve money changing hands unless it's it's day out at a theme park etc and has been agreed by parents discussing it in advance. I would have declined the invitation on your daughters behalf once the cheeky fucker mum had demanded 10 quid for a mcds at their house. Grow a back bone, this is not a good friendship.

I know exactly what you're saying and totally agree - I am in a little difficult dynamic as DD really likes NF, and it genuinely appears that NF is embarrassed by it all, so on the same tone I dont want her to miss out on DDs friendship because of it. I find this such an odd age to try and parent as not sure how much or little involvement I should be having (and possibly some of the replies on this thread say similar as some have said 'why are you getting involved' and others have said 'why are you not involved with mum more' so I just never know what to do for the best....argh! I thought the invite to Halloween would help get rid of the money discussions but some how it still got brought into it over a can of pop 🤐

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ToadSmall · 17/10/2022 12:38

It's not a 'play date' though is it because they are teenagers.

Once children are in secondary school they are making their own arrangements.
If my dd wants to go to a fair and makes arrangements with a school friend and I say that I will drive them there and hang around so they won't get murdered it wouldn't cross my mind to think I was going to be paying for their rides. It's not like taking a child to the petting zoo when they are nine.

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woodhill · 17/10/2022 12:40

Sound awful OP

How mercenary of them

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:41

MeridianB · 17/10/2022 12:34

So these ‘host’ parents charged your DD three times the price of her junk food meal, and she had to wait until after 11pm to eat? Surely you know the answer here, OP.

Half of me does and half of me doesnt. DD has so many lad friends and she really misses having a girly friend to talk make up and fashion etc with so one half of me is saying I cant believe you are even thinking about this and the other half is saying ride out the storm and see what happens as she may turn out to be the friend DD needs.....argh! 😱

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QuillBill · 17/10/2022 12:41

I've never used just eat or Uber eats but them stuff is more expensive if you order it through them and the delivery charge depends on distances travelled.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:44

QuillBill · 17/10/2022 12:41

I've never used just eat or Uber eats but them stuff is more expensive if you order it through them and the delivery charge depends on distances travelled.

Yep me either - I understand delivery for the whole order was like £4 or something DD said. I usually just drive out to fetch anything if we need it - or if not its frozen pizza 😂

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