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AIBU?

to feel like we are being used/tested for money?

117 replies

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 10:33

Strap in, I'll try my best to keep it brief but I really want you to see full picture for advice. DD13, makes new friend at school (DD has had lots of friend issues historically and pretty lonely, has wide group of "friends" but more they are a group than actual friends if that makes sense!) anyway, new friend comes along, also had similar issues - great I thought, two girls very similar this could be the new proper friend DD has been looking for. New friend (lets say NF) invites DD to tea and sleepover, yey great start! She then tells her she must bring £10 because her mum has said so.... lots of toing and froing and basically they are having McDs for tea. I tell DD that hers only comes to £3 and so if I send £5 that will be plenty - mum tells NF to say no, she MUST bring £10 to pay for Just Eat delivery charge...ok gets my back up a little but I go with it. We move on to next invite - come to a day out - there are fair rides at this place (couple of pounds each). NF tells DD 'my mum says she doesnt mind taking you but she definitely is not paying for you' followed by 'I have a £15 allowance for the day so she says you have to bring the same'...now Im starting to get a little irked - I cant afford another £15 on top of last weeks £10 and DD not a big ride fan so maybe would only do one or two. I then arrange a halloween gathering for the group including NF - parents told I will provide all food, entertainment, treats and decorations if they bring their own drinks as I have had issues in the past with some not allowed fizzy, some intolerance, colours etc etc - NF comes back with the response 'my mum wants to know why your mum cant provide the drinks too'. I am really struggling with how to keep responding to these demands. I ALWAYS supply everything when DD has sleepovers, parties, friends for tea etc (that doesnt mean I expect everyone to be the same and have no issue at all in DD paying her way - in fact I insist on it) but really not too sure about the attitude and the way this is coming across or how to tackle it. Dont want DD to miss out, and also NF as I dont think its coming from her but I cannot fund these types of extravagance every weekend. From the outset they appear to be a family similar to ours, both working but possibly close to the bone due to cost of living etc - but AIBU to think that they shouldnt be demanding set amounts and DD definitely shouldnt be having to pay delivery charge for their takeaways?

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Am I being unreasonable?

483 votes. Final results.

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You are NOT being unreasonable
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2bazookas · 17/10/2022 12:45

I wonder if NF#s Mum has the faintest idea her daughter is demanding money on her behalf. ? I'd ask the mum direct. Whether its the mum or daughter working together or singly , I'd also contact the school, because your DD may not be their only victim and target

Your daughter is being milked; Just stop it in its tracks. Frankly as soon as you turn off the money tap, I don't thind DD will see NF for dust.

For future ref, my kids were only allowed to have sleep overs at the homes of kids whose parents I had met, knew and trusted and confirmed the invitation with.

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RebeccaRose92 · 17/10/2022 12:50

@QuillBill not on just eat. McDonald’s is the same price as in store. If a restaurant is seen to be charging more you can apply to Justeat for your money back.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:53

2bazookas · 17/10/2022 12:45

I wonder if NF#s Mum has the faintest idea her daughter is demanding money on her behalf. ? I'd ask the mum direct. Whether its the mum or daughter working together or singly , I'd also contact the school, because your DD may not be their only victim and target

Your daughter is being milked; Just stop it in its tracks. Frankly as soon as you turn off the money tap, I don't thind DD will see NF for dust.

For future ref, my kids were only allowed to have sleep overs at the homes of kids whose parents I had met, knew and trusted and confirmed the invitation with.

NF mum definitely does - DD was asked to hand the money over to her on arrival at her house so confident she at least has a level of involvement. Really appreciate all the replies - its food for thought to know that little niggles I had in the back of my mind maybe arent so little niggles when lots of people are thinking the same as I was. I have never asked a parent or child for anything (except one occasion when someone came on holiday with us and I suggested they may want a bit of pocket money for the shops) but even then I paid for accommodation, food etc but was starting to think that that maybe wasnt the norm and I was the odd one for doing it....

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TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 12:54

You need to work out if the new friend is a cheeky fuck or if she just has horrible parents - if it's the latter it's not her fault. Just have her round to yours/they can head out to town together from now on. Don't accept any more invitations.

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MeridianB · 17/10/2022 12:57

Do whatever you have to do to protect your DD from these very strange people. I’d stop her going to their house or out with them completely and ignore weird messages about money.

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Obki · 17/10/2022 12:58

OP, did you read my suggestion about giving your dd pound coins so she can control exactly how much she gives for her good, rides etc?

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 12:58

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 12:54

You need to work out if the new friend is a cheeky fuck or if she just has horrible parents - if it's the latter it's not her fault. Just have her round to yours/they can head out to town together from now on. Don't accept any more invitations.

Exactly this I think. I really sympathise with NF as I wonder if this is why she hasnt been able to maintain friendships historically because people are frightened off by the financial implications etc.

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FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 13:03

Obki · 17/10/2022 12:58

OP, did you read my suggestion about giving your dd pound coins so she can control exactly how much she gives for her good, rides etc?

Yes I did thank you - sorry trying to keep up with all the responses :) and yes that is exactly what I would be doing if she decides she wants to go - Ive also got some money off vouchers for these rides too so she can take those along with her. Definitely cant see any reason she would need to hand money over for rides and so forth as that can go straight to the person running it. Im sure when she went last year she had already picked the rides she wanted to go on so we used it as a reason to clear the change pot out and she took exact amounts for each 😂

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AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2022 13:09

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 13:03

Yes I did thank you - sorry trying to keep up with all the responses :) and yes that is exactly what I would be doing if she decides she wants to go - Ive also got some money off vouchers for these rides too so she can take those along with her. Definitely cant see any reason she would need to hand money over for rides and so forth as that can go straight to the person running it. Im sure when she went last year she had already picked the rides she wanted to go on so we used it as a reason to clear the change pot out and she took exact amounts for each 😂

By what you've posted so far I would bet NF's mother will ask her to hand over the full £15, you need to prepare your DD for that occuraance

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MeridianB · 17/10/2022 13:10

By what you've posted so far I would bet NF's mother will ask her to hand over the full £15, you need to prepare your DD for that occuraance

I agree. So please don't put her in that position. Can you or DH or someone else go with her? NF mum is not someone i would want around my child.

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marsbara · 17/10/2022 13:12

Is NF making a commission on this? 😂

But yes, ask for the mum's number and in future, ask her to text you directly.

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IncompleteSenten · 17/10/2022 13:16

Do the same back.

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MyrrAgain · 17/10/2022 13:17

If they live so close to the bone surely they couldn't be doing so many treats like delivery mcdonalds and funfairs that cost £15 each. Rubbish I say.

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Dibbydoos · 17/10/2022 13:19

Speak directly to NFs mum. It's inappropriate she's asking you all these Qs through a child.

Also, don't assume why she's asking Qs she could be neurodiverse and just wants full info. I do think the money thing is a bit odd if I'm honest, but again don't know their financial situ.

Whilst your DD was at their place, I'm assuming she was provided drinks etc.

I don't know if you're being unreasonable, I think you're right to question this, but like I said if you don't talk to the mum you'll never get first hand what the issues are.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2022 13:22

I would let the fizzy drink thing go. You can get a non branded bottle for peanuts. Can you do the same with her with the McDonald’s and see what happens? You say the girl is embarrassed. Maybe the parents are desperate for money and are resorting to sabotaging their dd’s friendships and milking other parents.

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DidYouFindYourCrumpetHoles · 17/10/2022 13:22

I wouldn’t invite another child round to eat if I wasn’t prepared to feed them. I’d rather go without myself and get the two kids their McDonald’s than ask the other child to bring their own contribution (and more) for their food. I think they sound cruel and I wouldn’t be sending any more money for the fair than you are comfortable with/can afford DD spending. It’s not up to them to say how much this should be.

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TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 13:23

I bet in a few years NF will be out of that house as quickly as she can.

Let's hope by then she hasn't learnt that friendships/other people are for what you can get out of them.

I think it's your job as the adult here to say no to these expenses. If that means the girls can't hang out with her parents, so be it. My mum is a massive hardass but if someone had suggested this to her she would have just laughed at them! I get that you are trying to promote the friendship, in a case like this I would suggest that means if they try to arrange something costly, you say "oh that's a shame we can't afford that, happy to have NF round on Saturday instead".

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Bunnyfuller · 17/10/2022 13:24

Ask for parents number, it’s good to exchange them anyway in case of emergencies. Text the CF parent and say a breezy ‘let me know how much DDs food is and I will PayPal you the money’ or ‘there’s coke or lemonade available but if NF has something different prob best for her to bring what she likes as I can’t guarantee I will be out shopping again’

i don’t know why a simple communication is ‘not very nice’, you’re just being clear.

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starfishmummy · 17/10/2022 13:26

I'm also wondering if this is actually coming from the NF herself rather than her Mum.

I think some of it is "normal". I remember my friends and I discussing how much money to take to things like a fair so we all had similar to spend; or on day out with a friend and her family there would be some discussion about what was needed to cover my expenses and "spending money".

Maybe something is being lost in translation between the girls. Something like "oh £10 will be plenty to cover the McDonald'sand delivery charge" becomes "I need to give NFs mum £10"

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Jessiesthedog · 17/10/2022 13:26

We had one like this along time ago he seems to of pissed off now which is great but yeah it was coming from the child as much as the parents very entitled and overconfident in my opinion luckily my child just got bored of him.

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RonSwansonsChair · 17/10/2022 13:28

If you think the NF is nice and good for your daughter then invite her to your house more often, and turn down any invitations that come with a monetary request.

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Druamber · 17/10/2022 13:30

When mine have friends for a sleepover we always pay if we get a takeaway. Likewise their friends parents pay when they sleepover there.

If dc want to do a particular activity with a friend i always say check that they can pay x amount for the activity as if not, dc will have to choose something else to do. There's no pressure put on the other family that way as there are choices of doing x y or z.

I'd get the mums number and communicate directly with her.

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AMDB5 · 17/10/2022 13:33

Your DD needs to tell the friend, "I'm not a go between, if your Mum wants to ask any questions she needs to speak to my Mum directly"

This friendship doesn't sit right with me. The Mum sounds like a real piece of work

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AMDB5 · 17/10/2022 13:34

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 10:54

I'd bet the girl asked her mom if she could have maccies for tea and her mom said she couldn't afford it - same as when the girls asked if she can bring your DD along to the fair.

This was also my thought

OP's DD is paying for herself and the other girl

I'd ask DD how much was spent and how

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ArcticSkewer · 17/10/2022 13:38

I don't think this friendship can continue on these terms, unless you are prepared to be shaken down for cash and it's pay per friend.

I'd suggest dialling back on the invitations/acceptance of, and encouraging your daughter to do things at school with her new friend, or things which are free eg a walk in the park, invite her to yours after school but not for tea, a trip to the shops for a mooch round, perhaps a new hobby they could both do (ok that's not free but the money goes somewhere else)

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