How do you enjoy life with so many responsibilities?

[Carfeulyay]

I’m feeling a bit hopeless, had a horrible week at work, my partners been in surgery and diagnosed with liver disease, my three kids are kids and need their needs met and I’ve been feeling for a few months - where is there room for joy?

Im constantly tired (thanks to 5am starts with my 2yo) constantly needed for cooking, cleaning, shopping and general mental load, trying to juggle a team of staff and do my own job which is challenging so I log on most nights when kids in bed.

is this just life? Grin and bear it for the next 10 years?!

how do you have a joyful life with kids, jobs and life admin?!

I think it is unrealistic to expect a 'joyful' life when serious issues are happening - your partner has had surgery and has liver disease.

I aim for comfort. Joy is a high ask. But slowing down, doing less, being grateful for what I have, spending time with my family - these things all bring me comfort and pleasure.

Read up on toxic positivity - expecting joy is part of that IMO.

Yeah. I'm crazy about being organised.

Well done. most do.

You have to seek the small moments, and remember that contentment is fine, life doesn't have to be joyous rapture to be happy.

So a glass of wine with a good friend on a weekend. A dog walk in the countryside (my kids often don't come with me, I get an hour of me and the dog pottering about and it's glorious, even in the rain!)

Example: this morning spent mooching. I got the slow cooker of for dinner, sorted more washing, ironed etc whilst supervising homework at the kitchen table. We had the radio on, chatted and I made the kids brunch once they'd done. It was lovely. Not "special" things, but a contented family Sunday morning. Lastnight we made popcorn and hot chocolate and watched a film together.

I work hard (I have marking beckoning from the car!) But I have a husband who does his fair share. I meal plan. I do a load of washing most days to avoid a big backlog. Kids have chores to do. It all makes life a smidge less frantic, which is then where you can insert those nice slow, contented hours.

I agree with a previous poster who said you have to ‘schedule in joy’, sounds kind of boring but you do have to be intentional and prioritise it and ignore the idea that this is somehow selfish. I got used to telling my kids that I would be a happier nicer mummy if I had enough of what I needed, and sometimes that meant they on that occasion had to fend for themselves ( including DH) just simple things like walking the dog, having glass of wine with candles and a takeaway with DH on a Friday night, watching a favourite program with the kids after tea, having a bath, meeting a friend for a run etc all cheap and fairly easy and they can be something you look forward to. Family movie night and pizza, family curry night and board game, family walk and cake in a cafe. If that means other things like the laundry slide in that day, I don’t let it bother me. I aim to be organised 70-80% of the time, if I was any more organised I’d want to kill myself 😂

Instead I built a life based on a relationship that would mean a family where I provide all the care, which extends to elderly relatives, who in turn live longer, love and continue to nurture their grandchildren, aren't in care homes and aren't costing us massive amounts of haemorrhaging inheritances and hindering the familial wealth that comes back to later generations.

Good god your smugness knows no bounds.

I’m doing ok currently. But I think the key issues are:

kids are both school age now (5 and 7) and I definitely am not having any more. The toddler years are just draining

I don’t work full time. Very fortunate to be able to afford that.

I have my parents living nearby who are helpful, love having the kids and have no health issues

Currently everyone in our family is in good health. (We recently had to take DS to a hospital appointment for an ongoing condition (thankfully doesn’t impact us daily much) and it took ALL day. Thankfully I can be flexible with my work and my DPs took responsibility for DD for the day so no worries there. That one day was so stressful though, so I can imagine having to do that all the time would seriously affect you)

DH doesn’t work particularly long hours and is helpful with childcare and housework and I know would have my back

I can imagine if just one of these things changed then I’d flip from content to stressed out very quickly!

@bingbummy

There are people in all walks of life who aren’t happy with their lot. Working mothers don’t have a monopoly on exhaustion and ennui. Staying at home is fine if you have the money and the temperament but it’s definitely not for everyone and it isn’t a silver bullet. I know a number of women who have done this and felt bored, stifled and isolated.

The way you talk about it implies that it’s more or less a responsibility to find a high earning partner who wants a handmaiden and everyone who hasn’t done that is failing themselves. This just isn’t either desirable or possible for a lot of people.

@bingbummy how do you know most want to stay at home?
I love the start of maternity leave, when it’s mostly just cuddling and breastfeeding the baby as by time goes on and more housework is expected I start to get stressed out and miserable. I hate housework, I’m bad at it. I’m also not a natural carer so a life spent caring for others isn’t really for me. I get status and intellectual challenge from my job.
I will agree that choosing your husband is important. I’ve got one who probably wouldn’t like to financially support another to stay at home (neither would I - both of us had working mothers and don’t see the benefit of the stay at home model), but who does more of the housework than me and mucks in 50:50 with the childcare. We earn enough y to buy in help too, cleaner, childcare. If you’re working hard and don’t have a husband who mucks in - that’s a nightmare. My parents relationship was like that, looked a ‘mare for my mum, I swore I wouldn’t be caught the same - by making sure I wouldn’t be on the hook for all housework!
At the same time, it’s a bit sneery to come into a thread where people are dealing with ill partners and say it’s all down to choices. We are lucky to have our health - for now.

I completely agree. Society has not been set up to allow most of us to be happy though. Constant hard slog. Barely any time or energy left to rise up and upend the corrupt system. Intentional.

Doesn't have to be one person staying at home. Could do two days each. Then one day alone with the kids each. Then two days all off together.
that’s if you’re part of a couple, which many of us are not.

Ideally, families could be paid a larger amount of child support to enable this. I believe this could easily happen, but governments would rather work us to death, have us stressed and exhausted.
I’d be happy to have this capped at two kids per family, or even a UBI brought in for parents, til youngest is 16/leaves education.

At the same time, it’s a bit sneery to come into a thread where people are dealing with ill partners and say it’s all down to choices.

And this. You do sound insufferably smug and sanctimonious.

And single parents should then do what?

Op, I’m sorry about your partner’s diagnosis. 💐

Honestly I don't think you'll enjoy it but accepting that and that it's not forever helps you get through it. It'll get easier as your kids get older, as your husband gets better, and as you find things to help. A lot of this is throwing money at the problem - babysitter so you get some alone time, nice bath oil or fancy hot chocolate to give you a lift when you need one, treat box to look forward to, etc. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Yanbu op ...juggling is hard.

Lol to the op who thinks it's as easy as that to give up work, especially in this day and age. Don't you feel guilty for not contributing to your household finances, and also the finances of the country?

Do you want your kids to have careers? My dd loves asking me questions about my work and wants her own career but i have told her to marry before kids.

@bingbummy do come back when you find that 'nurturing' your elderly relatives gets too much due to dementia or whatever and shock horror a care home beckons.

out of interest what sort of responsibilities do you have?

yours is a bit of superior response - and suggests to me you can’t imagine the variety of responsibilities people have.

so a mother with three children, a husband in hospital and a demanding career just needs to be organised? And it all magically works out?

depending on the availability of funds outsourcing os the solution. A cleaner, good childcare, a PA at work to mange the diary and never ending emails.

if this isn’t affordable only do the essentials. Give yourself a break.

How did I know that you’d be spouting this crap due to living a 50’s housewife fantasy

You tried in your first post to be a bit more neutral, in saying a parent stays home, a parent goes to work, but let’s cut the shit, we all knew by that you meant a woman stays at home and a man goes out to work.

Well life isn’t static, currently I have 2 children under 5, I work FT, DH works FT, a large house to keep on top of, caring responsibility for my DF who has had a recent stroke.

We have had periods where DH wasn’t able to work due to health (his old job was very much physical, he had an accident at work and needed care for about 9 months, unable to work, that was just after DD1 was born)

That was our lowest and I still wasn’t miserable, nothing was on top of me and again, organisation isn’t key

Yes. It works.

"Having two hands is most efficient. You can type more easily than using one hand and you can do many more tasks effectively if you have two hands."

And people with only one hand should then do what?

@bingbummy I have a very similar outlook to you. I have a professional qualification and left a professional job to do just as you.

Many people disagree with this lifestyle with some insanely rude and judgemental comments sometimes, however I find my life is exactly how I wanted it to be. I live blissfully knowing that I have the ability to earn the same or more as my husband and if I wanted to not look after my children then I could afford a much more extravagant life. But it’s not what I wanted nor want now.

I understand some people like single parents’ don’t have that same option and I feel for those who have to work and miss out on their children when they would rather put their efforts into the latter. It is really sad they don’t have the option.

A previous poster mentioned about the 1950s calling. What was wrong with living in the 1950s? Seemed a simpler and more content time. Living on a single wage was normal and something I’m sure a lot of people would actually wish for now (although I doubt these people are on Mumsnet).

Just because our choices are vastly different to others’ doesn’t make us wrong.

It's really tricky.
Following with interest as I go back full time next week to a new, high stress/senior role.

Young pre school DC and also a joint carer for my grandparents. Also doing my Masters. It's been a good but tricky balance at times so no idea how it'll work from next week.

I'm hoping being organised with hold back some chaos but not sure where I'll get the extra time/winding down space/time to do assignments and help out family

Scheduling time off and sticking to it
Making space and time for self care every single day
More help and support with childcare/cleaning etc so you have quality time off
Weekends away and holidays really help

Being absolutely brutal with how much time you give to anyone/anything. And I mean brutal, everything is a no unless it brings you joy, then do more of that!

I think the difference now is we have choice, which I wholeheartedly agree with too. I have earning power, keep my portfolio up to date and do ad hoc work which ensures that if my husband did decide to become a family pariah and divorce me I'd be able to earn well right away.

I never mentioned the '50s because women didn't have the option then which is what made this set up so precarious.

My only point is we can decide to be a wife and mother first and have great value in this role and in return an enjoyable time of life.

I'm glad there is a resurgence in this culturally among young people, though it will carry misogynistic overtones a lot of the time as well. Balance is always needed.