How do you enjoy life with so many responsibilities?

[Carfeulyay]

I’m feeling a bit hopeless, had a horrible week at work, my partners been in surgery and diagnosed with liver disease, my three kids are kids and need their needs met and I’ve been feeling for a few months - where is there room for joy?

Im constantly tired (thanks to 5am starts with my 2yo) constantly needed for cooking, cleaning, shopping and general mental load, trying to juggle a team of staff and do my own job which is challenging so I log on most nights when kids in bed.

is this just life? Grin and bear it for the next 10 years?!

how do you have a joyful life with kids, jobs and life admin?!

I get it OP. I work full time in a very full on role then home to two kids and DH. Eldest is stressing about y11 exams and youngest is still young enough to need looking after if you see what I mean. I'm nearly 50, knackered constantly, constantly stressed about work and wondering what the point of it all is- not helped of course by the current financial situation which means that despite working so hard, we're still counting pennies.

No course not. I'm married to a man who provides for his family because that's what I sought out and made clear I wanted.

I've never found it incompatible and I've been a single parent for 14 years. Having only one child makes it easier though.

@bingbummy presumably you have a plan b for if he leaves you?

No course not. I'm married to a man who provides for his family because that's what I sought out and made clear I wanted.

Holy god. 1950s are calling. Can you imagine if a man went into a marriage with those demands.....

I couldn't disagree more with this view. I think flexibility across the two people in a marriage is key (not one leeching off another in order to have a nice easy life at their expense)

Flexibility, organisation, communication, 1 child rather than multiple, forward planning the nice stuff and a career that gives me an enormous sense of well being and spending time with friends and family are the key to me. But there are peaks and troughs definitely and I've had periods where I feel the same.

I set aside certain times for joy.

Saturday morning parkrun. My time, 45 mins in the sunshine & fresh air.
Waking up 30 mins before ds. Warm, silent, relaxed, first coffee of the day. My time.
Sunday afternoon - maybe a walk in the woods or visiting friends etc. Shared family joy time.

But the rest, yes, work, budgets, homework, bills, leaking conservatory roof, ho him !

Always good to be cautions but prevention is better than cure.

So many of us fail to prioritise our partnerships. If we prioritised finding a partner compatible with what we want from life half of us would not end up so miserable. Obviously there's always exceptions.

Juggling housework, work, and child rearing is challenging and if you can do all effectively then wonderful. But most can't. It's exhausting and requires sacrifice in one area, and it's usually the children and home which are first to go, yet people who denigrate capitalism in general don't recognise this as one of capitalisms' oppressive factors.

Now what if you found someone to bring in the bulk of the household income who wants to provide a stable home for his wife and children? And you can focus on children and home and enjoying what his labour then brings.

While you're doing this with limited stress as it's your sole focus, you can build skills up at your leisure to be in a fantastic position once children are more independent.

No, no let's just slog away until we're exhausted and stressed then never ever get into a better position and model the same miserable existence to our children as long as god forbid they are never perpetuating traditional values because they are so so evil.

I don't care what you are darling, as long as you're happy. Has become I don't care how miserable you are darling, never believe a family unit can rely on a husband's income and never ever wash one more dish than you are obligated.

To be honest, i only know one cple who both worked full time and seemed im control.
They had one child.
Every night they did food, housework, life admin. Then went to bed . They saw the full week inc evenings as work. Then on sat they took her riding. On sun they.went out for.lunch.
Then back to full on in the week.
As for me , I cdnt do it. I went part time. I did all the housework cooking etc. Dh worked all over the county.
Our income and lifestyle was massiveky affected.

It may astonish you to learn that some women are able to provide for their families too and can enjoy it as well.

And that there may be qualities we seek in a man over and above his wallet.

There’s nothing wrong with being at home to raise your children but if your life doesn’t end up like this it doesn’t make you a failure.

What I meant by this paragraph,

Juggling housework, work, and child rearing is challenging and if you can do all effectively then wonderful. But most can't. It's exhausting and requires sacrifice in one area, and it's usually the children and home which are first to go, yet people who denigrate capitalism in general don't recognise this as one of capitalisms' oppressive factors.

Was that we always prioritise career and income over children and our home. When we all seem to be working so that we can one day sit back an enjoy our children and our home, that we are supposed to neglect to whatever degree becomes necessary that we can carry on providing labour and paying taxes lest we become worthless.

So a wife and mother is not intrinsically worth something, even though she is to her children and wider family.

I prioritise children and our home, and it works great because I'm already living the thing you're all saying is the very reason you work yourself to death - to spend as much time with your family and relaxing at home as you can.

I'm not suggesting there's any inherent failure in any life.

But if you're miserable you've failed at being happy.

Get a cleaner, get your shopping delivered, do some exercise

I would love to know how to schedule laundry! Genuinely!

The thing that gets me about threads like this is the fact that is just highlights the things I've been shot down for in other threads.

When you try to do all things all the time it seems to end up with children who are detached from the family and go off the rails, even if that only means not speaking to you for months on end. It means elderly relatives not being cared for properly and all at massive expense.

Instead I built a life based on a relationship that would mean a family where I provide all the care, which extends to elderly relatives, who in turn live longer, love and continue to nurture their grandchildren, aren't in care homes and aren't costing us massive amounts of haemorrhaging inheritances and hindering the familial wealth that comes back to later generations.

I can't have a career because I'm at school gates every day and will one day be ferrying elderly relatives to see other members of the family.

It's an option is all I'm saying. Instead of trying to share everything 50/50 - a marriage means you can have two adults who can bring different skills and do them much more effectively. It's a wonderful opportunity to live a life outside of the 9-5 which then leaves you a precious 3 hours of time with your children every single weekday.

I'm a single mum and I work full time. It's for much much easier not that my child is at secondary. The early years are hard. I manage now because I have simplified my life as much as possible. Simple meals, delegating well at work, not doing too many social events and extra things. I relax with my child as much as possible watching films and chill together. I think I've hit a sweet spot now where everything is ticking along. You're in a tricky patch at the moment but try and ride it out. Good luck and I hope your partner gets well soon

I found the single biggest thing that has helped is giving up alcohol.

I wouldn’t say I haven’t enjoyed my life for the last 29yrs - my kids are 29, 18 and 14 but my life is certainly a lot easier now I don’t need babysitters. It will get even better when my youngest is 18, I’ll be off travelling and not stuck to school holidays. It is tough with young kids, but gets easier as the years pass. Take what help you’re offered. Do what you can to make life easier. I’ve only recently got a cleaner as I can afford it now I’ve had a couple of promotions since my kids were younger and I wish I could have done that when they were little. Take time for yourself, I’ve been on a few holidays with friends over the years. Got to be done. Prioritise a little time for yourself every now and then, don’t be a martyr.

Lots of women are miserable, or would be miserable, at home full time. This was true for Jane Austen's aristocratic ladies (look at Mrs Bennet, massively underoccupied) and it was true in the "glorious" 1950s when many housewives were Valiumed to the gills.

Lots of men are also miserable working long hours and having everyone dependent on them financially, not seeing their families much. I read a remarkable study of sexism in consulting which actually thought to ask the men how they felt about working long hours, being away constantly, etc. Spoiler alert, they hated it and often felt heartbroken about seeing so little of their DC, but they didn't feel these feelings were acceptable or expected so they just sat on them.

But hey, who cares about any of that when @bingbummy has all the answers, and it's that rigid gender roles and financial dependence for women were right all along?

'Much easier now that my child is at secondary' that was supposed to say

Sadly I don’t enjoy it op.

A DH with a life limiting condition, disabled DC and now multiple health issues of my own. I feel like I’m drowning.
A referral to therapy services consisted of 4 telephone calls to talk me through relaxation techniques, all of which I have already been doing for years.
I’ve had enough.

I simply don't enjoy anything. But I'm a lone parent, work PT and have no support. I run and go to the gym even though I don't enjoy it, rarely enjoy TV, tolerate garden maintenance.

@bingbummy

But if you're miserable you've failed at being happy.

Where did I say I was miserable?

I’m far from miserable. I love being a single mum. I love having my own financial autonomy and not having to rely on a man for money. I also love my job.

I was pointing out that most people don’t have the option simply to stop work. But that doesn’t mean I would want to do it. I actually don’t think I would enjoy being a SAHM.

Anyone who isn't interpedently wealthy is financially dependent. I'm financially dependent on a man who loves me. You're financially dependent on an employer who couldn't give a crap about you past the end of your contract.

Look for it and make it a priority to get this set up. It's a warning. Look where we end up otherwise; oops, got a man who's lazy and earns peanuts so I have to work myself to death whilst doing all the housework.

Don't leave who you end up with to chance and make sure you talk about how you want your family to run before you agree to marriage and children.

I didn't leave who I ended up with to chance, but I absolutely do not want to stay home full time. DH is a great dad who does half the housework and works full time, as do I. That's the set up I want and I'm not overwhelmed with stuff to do because DH would never just leave it to me. We work together and neither of us feels that we do more than the other. You don't need one parent who stays at home, you need a partner who isn't lazy.

I wasn't suggesting you personally were miserable and if you enjoy all those and do them effectively then great but I've not once commented on that situation, but the situation where the people involved are miserable, of which there are many cases.