To ask if this is normal for a teenager?

[Grumpbump]

I will start by saying I never had a very good relationship with my mum so I don’t really know what’s ‘normal’

I have a 13 year old daughter, I would say we are close, she tells me about boys friends difficult things and she expresses how she feels pretty well normally. Recently her attitude has been a bit of a problem but really we talk and I make it clear she can always talk to me no judgment.

I check her phone and I recently saw text messages to her best friend saying she can’t speak on the phone because I’m here. She also text saying it’s like my mum doesn’t understand me, I can never talk to her. Is this normal? She has her privacy, she sits on the phone to her friend in her room. Is this something I should speak to her, I feel quite sad she feels like she can’t talk to me

Also, teens have a habit of expressing their rollercoaster of feelings in a very self-focussed and exaggerated way ( naturally). This means that describing their parents as awful, unfeeling beings ( just because you said no to a sleepover on a school night ) is completely normal. They need you to represent the source of the emotional frustrations they feel, even if it is not your doing. It means they trust you to be the immovable object they need to bash against, it's quite normal.

Even if she thinks she has a great relationship with you and can tell you stuff and that you understand her, she will never in a million years say that to her friends at this age. It just wouldn't be the done thing to say that, if you know what I mean.

@dogsod it's astounding how many grim things my daughter tells me her friends have been sent / had people try and coerce them to do over their phones but they don't tell their parents and their parents never check. I think there are lots of parents out there thinking all is well and they are respecting their teen's privacy when actually they are just burying their head in the sand because it's easier. 13 year olds are not equipped to deal with the hatefulness of some people out there.

It's not the same thing at all. There are no bullies or abusers lurking in a diary waiting for a vulnerable / naive child.

The parents not checking their DC's phones are very naive. Adult groomers are adept at manipulating DCs so they think they are safe and heard. The recent inquiry into a teen's suicide illustrated how algorithms gradually increase the severity of posts social media show users including suicide ideation and self harm. Then there are the other teens sending abuse or being bullies. That's why the police and schools recommend monitoring.

OP your teen has to say you don't understand her. It's a right of passage. 🙂Don't take comments like that too personally. Keep the lines of communication open. As a PP said nowadays young teens are having lots of conversations about identity and sexuality. Also depending on friendship groups on self harm and suicide ideation. Our young teen found it all very stressful but we chatted a lot and worked through it.

Did you want to disuss things with your parents at that age? Did you know how to start a conversation about annoying people in your class at school? Did you think talking to your parents would help you at all?
Or did you think that they have no clue, and they won't be able to help or they'll tell you off because you did something a bit silly and you've already realised it was silly.
Teenagers are teenagers, their brains are very much being controlled by hormones, and those hormones are telling them that they are old enough for things like keeping secrets and being interested in adult things, and when that wave of hormones has finished it's massive rush, they then because 9 year olds again and don't like that they kept a secret, but think they are in trouble all the time. It's a horrendous time, especially for them but also for parents who care.
In my own rather narrow opinion is give them the space to work out the issues, remind them they can talk to you, and make sure they don't fall out with their friends that you approve of.

I certainly don't think it is appropriate to check teens' phones, unless there is cause for suspicion. They have to learn to be responsible and how to deal with things. There has to be trust, and checking phones does not nurture a trusting relationship but for them to just hide things further. Some adults seem overly involved in their teens' lives. I think you can educate them and encourage a trusting relationship, and hope they come to you with any problems. Of course they'll keep stuff from you! I did at that age even in the era without phones.

I am an adult and still moan about my mum to my sister or close friend. I think everyone does.

I remember reading a message from my DD telling her friend how much she hates me because I brought her tickets to a theme park (that she really wanted to go to).
She absolutely loved it once she got there and was sending photos to all her friends but I think it was because I surprised her with it and she was too overwhelmed at first.

Keep it in the back of your mind and be careful of how judgemental you are etc but don’t give it too much thought.

@Maireas
However, all the safeguarding advice now is to monitor usage, not just talk to them or give warnings because sadly it doesn't seem to work for most children.

Source please. I think you won’t find one that says my method doesn’t work for most children. I think you’ll find the cases where horrible things happen innwhivh the parents did not teach online safety, did not have good lines of communication and/or did not do any monitoring at all. As in they did nothing or they did too much invasion of privacy leading to the secret double life situation.

Secondary School Safeguarding Leads for our Trust.
Advice from police liaison officer to parents.
Safeguarding updates to all parents in our trust.

@PoundShopPrincess
The recent inquiry into a teen's suicide illustrated how algorithms gradually increase the severity of posts social media show users including suicide ideation and self harm.

If this is a reference to Molly Russell, her parents were monitoring & checking her phone. They followed her SM accounts as a requirement for her to have them. They just didn’t know about her secret SM accounts with the suicide material on it. 🤷‍♀️

If you think checking your teen’s phone makes your teen safe, you’re naive.

It’s normal to have secrets. That’s part of the great bond with friends.
It sounds as if she’d come to you if she really needs to.

No source for your statement that “talking to them and warning them doesn’t work for most children”

Yep, her attitude is definitely normal. I have a 13 year old DS and 13 year old niece and have a great, open, fun relationship with both but when they’re with friends they do all like to complain (exaggerate) about how ‘strict’ I am , it’s partly growing up and trying to differentiate between themselves and their parents and partly to fit in, some of their friends genuinely don’t talk to their parents and have a really tough time at home. It simply wouldn’t be cool to say ‘my mum’s great, she’d like my best friend!’ 😂 honestly don’t take it to heart, it sounds like you are doing a great job 😘
And personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with randomly checking their phone from time to time, in fact I think it’s important, as long as your kids know that this is the deal. I wouldn’t be doing it at 16, but 13 is still pretty young and needs some guidance/ support with navigating the virtual world xxx

Any parent that doesn’t check a young teens phone under the guise of privacy is either utterly naive or foolish. They are not yet adults and are still maturing both emotionally and mentally. My DC school said that now days the vast majority of the bullying they are dealing with is online. It often takes months and months after it starts before an adult aka a parent or teacher finds out. So yes I check my 13 year olds phone randomly. I know other mothers I have spoken to are doing the same.
The online world can destroy a young teens mental health even if there is no bullying going on and it’s relentless especially if they have phone access 24/7.
It’s totally normal for a teenager to complain about the parents. Developmentally it’s natural for them to turn away from their family unit and focus on the peer group. They are all massive conformers so even if they think their parents are pretty cool they would never admit it to their friends.

Ok. You've got me!
That comment came from a PowerPoint from a safeguarding course I was on.
You don't believe me, fine. You've obviously been a very successful parent with mature and sensible children and I genuinely applaud you for that.
There are, however, recent guidelines because of numerous damaging and dangerous incidents. I dealt with a particularly distressing one last week.

You cannot say you check her phone and simultaneously claim she has her privacy!
I think it does huge damage to your relationship with your teen to randomly check their phone .You are telling them you don't trust them!

Ok. Thank you. I guess I am mostly reacting to the insults others (not you) are flinging around about being “foolish” “utterly naive” “neglectful” “not parenting properly” “nuts” “bizarre”

Theres more than one way to parent successfully and I’m glad you acknowledged that.

However, I do not agree with checking teens phones. I never did. I gave them privacy. Instead I taught my DC online safety and they always came to me whenever there was anything dodgy or distressing.

School Safeguarding Lead here. If I had a pound for every time a parent had told me they don't need to check their child's phone because they've taught them online safety and they always come to them with anything dodgy or distressing, and then I've had to tell that parent something both dodgy and extremely distressing about their own DC that came as a massive shock to them, I'd be a very rich woman.

You cannot say you check her phone and simultaneously claim she has her privacy!

She has a level of privacy appropriate for her age.

Indeed, @Discovereads - I've been a secondary school teacher for 40 years (yes, I'm very old) also Head of KS3 and KS4. Most parents are just trying to navigate the often painful route from childhood to adulthood with kindness, support and good humour.
Having weeping parents in my office asking where they went wrong because of what their child has been doing online is, as you can imagine, distressing.
Parents must judge how to do it, but it's increasingly hard for many,

There's also a particular group targeting MN atm that is very invested in parents not checking their DCs' phones.

Our school has had lots of issues with DCs accessing age-inappropriate apps because their parents have adopted a very hands-off approach to phone use and monitoring.

That's how I was with my mum and that's how my daughters have been with me - to different extents. I don't see any reason to be concerned. Unless I've missed anything.

Of course you need to check her phone, she is a child. You would be negligent not to. And all these cries of intrusion saying “oh I check but I don’t read texts” well that’s pretty silly because texts are a huge part of what’s going on. That’s where you find out they’re self harming or skipping school or being bullied or whatever. It’s called parenting.

That said, teens go to their peers for help long before they confide in parents or other adults, always have, always will.

Yoir daughter is behaving normally and I think you are doing everything right.

She may need to hear you say that you will always love her and that you would be very happy if she finds love one day and that the gender is not an issue.

Molly Russell is the reason
Parents of young teenagers should check their phones.