To ask if this is normal for a teenager?

[Grumpbump]

I will start by saying I never had a very good relationship with my mum so I don’t really know what’s ‘normal’

I have a 13 year old daughter, I would say we are close, she tells me about boys friends difficult things and she expresses how she feels pretty well normally. Recently her attitude has been a bit of a problem but really we talk and I make it clear she can always talk to me no judgment.

I check her phone and I recently saw text messages to her best friend saying she can’t speak on the phone because I’m here. She also text saying it’s like my mum doesn’t understand me, I can never talk to her. Is this normal? She has her privacy, she sits on the phone to her friend in her room. Is this something I should speak to her, I feel quite sad she feels like she can’t talk to me

She has spoken to me before to say she thinks she might like girls, she’s said she also likes boys. Obviously there’s no issue at all with who she likes but maybe this is realer and she feels like she can’t talk about this

Absolutely this.

IMO - there is checking their phone to check they’re safe and there is reading their private messages. I think you’ve blurred the lines here because you are dwelling on information that you found checking for bullying, abuse etc- which is neither - and that does tip over into not valuing her right to privacy.

Perfectly normal, you have an absolutely normal teenager. Sorry. I've heard there is the occasionally exceptionally nice and wonderful one not hoist by hormones but I've never met one yet

It sounds like it. I've noticed a lot of our yr9s talking about who they like, or deciding what sexuality they are, or asking to be "they". It's part of a process, so you could talk about this kind of thing and see where it leads. More likely she's just mulling over how she feels.
The number of times a 13 year old tells me that they can't talk to a parent, followed by an anxious parental communication is unbelievable!

It’s normal in the sense that some things only another teen can understand.

However, I do not agree with checking teens phones. I never did. I gave them privacy. Instead I taught my DC online safety and they always came to me whenever there was anything dodgy or distressing. There is more than one way to parent.

I found that my DCs teen friends whose parents did check their phones and cyber stalked them that these teens all had secret accounts or would use apps where the messages & images & videos auto-delete after being viewed. These same teens would then not in a million years tell their parents of anything dodgy or distressing because then they’d have to admit to the forbidden secret accounts and risk having their phones taken away from them.

If a 13 year old girl told her friends 'yes, my mum completely understands me, it's great' I would be very worried 😂

She's becoming more independent, and that means developing thoughts and feelings that she wants to share with her peers not with her mother. That doesn't mean she won't come to you when she needs you, just that the everyday 'stuff' is more likely to be shared with friends.

Well, @Discovereads - you obviously had a great relationship with yours and it's good that they were honest and came to you. Maybe other teens became deceptive.
However, all the safeguarding advice now is to monitor usage, not just talk to them or give warnings because sadly it doesn't seem to work for most children.
I can't tell you some of the horrors that have happened where I teach, or what some girls get pressured into, but there are very significant dangers with unchecked usage.

I didn't check their texts. If I was concerned about them I might, perhaps a change in behaviour but otherwise no

Agree with this.

My kids know they can come to me and that I trust them to do that.

OP, for some people, once DC reach teens, they pretty much treat them like adults. You don’t seem like that kind of parent ( neither am I). I’d say you’re doing parenting right.

She might just be saying it to fit in.

There was a post where a DD was telling her friends how difficult her home life is so she could fit in. Her friends had terrible ones.

I wouldn’t speak to her about her saying she can’t speak to you but continue reminding she can talk to you about anything, etc.

I check my daughters phone and she's 13. When she started comp she was being quite badly bullied and wouldn't say anything. If I hadn't been checked I would never have know. Don't fall into the trap of not checking because it's against their privacy rights etc...rubbish. You have a responsibility as a parent at that age to keep an eye on things.

OP I wouldn't worry too much. Just because she says she can't talk to you doesn't mean it's true. She's probably just trying to keep up appearances with her mates x

And there are teens who understand that their parents check their phones and are happy to interact with their parents on SM.

The only options are not one extreme or the other. This DD is 13, not 16.

You lost me at “I check her phone”. Bizarre.

I understand the challenges with grooming and so yak media etc but there’s a fine line in checking phones for me. I’m sure most would not have says it was ok to go into a teens room, locate their diary and read it 20-30 years ago and this is the same really. They use their phones to put their personal thoughts down

i don’t check my 14 year olds texts and messages. I watch for her behaviours and moods ( most grumpiness/stroppiness and Norns teens ) and will on occasion, unannounced check phone history to get a sense of sites being visited

as well as open lines of Unjudgemetal communication

At 13 we had a grown man (30+) sending explicit messages to our friendship group, he got our numbers from a form we filled in and tried to groom us all. It was hilarious at the time and we wouldn't have gone near him (all virgins hadn't even had our first kisses) but he lived and worked locally and we could have easily been preyed on and hurt by him. We obviously didn't tell our parents because we would be told off (probably not, we did nothing wrong he was a paedo not us) and we didn't know what to do because we knew him in a professional capacity and it was so fucking awkward.

IF our parents had checked our phones he probably would have gone to jail for grooming and no doubt abusing countless girls. mobile
phones were only just starting to come out then and there were no online safety seminars or letters home about it to our parents.

I’m sure most would not have says it was ok to go into a teens room, locate their diary and read it 20-30 years ago and this is the same really. They use their phones to put their personal thoughts down

They know that parents check so are welcome to write down personal thoughts in a private diary not a phone that's connected to the internet with all the this entails.

Bizarre and most neglectful to think that checking a young teen's phone is bizarre. Incredibly naive.

almost neglectful

I’m not really here to get into the pros and cons of checking her phone. I don’t do it to pry I do it to ensure she’s safe. She has her privacy I don’t think I smother her I read her message by accident.

I just don’t want her to think she can’t talk to me. Thank you everyone for your views and advice I appreciate it, my mum never parented me so I don’t really have any experience to draw from

My dd is 14. I no longer check her phone. It isn’t any point as she’s moved to Snapchat and I only ever found inane stuff before that. The worst I found was her friend, who has learning difficulties getting upset and using some colourful language at dd for not waiting until Christmas Day to open her present from the girl when the girl was 11 and dd 12. Dd did show me some nasty messages in the past, which were dealt with but the kids seem to have mellowed and are less reactive a they mature a little.

Dd is very open about things so there really is no need and the Snapchats are their secret, online discussions, which I am confident are age appropriate. We’ve talked about cyber bullying, sending pics etc. She’s never had a boyfriend yet and tbh she and her friends seem far less ‘advanced’ and less worldly than dh and I were at this age. We were very much more left to our own devices and had far far more freedom. Our parents were clueless about what we got up to. My dd is just doing things like meeting friends in town, going somewhere with parents, to the odd friend’s party (with parents present) or going for the odd walk around or hike with a friend. All far less seedy and more wholesome than my experiences.

So much of their lives is online. I think this is a blessing and a curse. A confident and open teen will talk to their parents if anything untoward happens. It is the ones, who are more secretive, insular or don’t trust their parents, who are more worrying. My dd knows if she tells me something I’ll act. She knows if she tells her 2 best friends something requiring safeguarding, they’ll tell me. And she knows if she gets into any scrapes, she can talk to dh and me without judgment. If she really can’t, my friend is always on call and if dd doesn’t want to talk to her, she’s been told to talk to a trusted adult. Idc who that adult is, so long as they’re a safe person. And dd is sensible enough to know who that is.

Op, in essence, I think you need to talk to your dd and trust your intuition as to the level of input you require with her. She is allowed her own relationships. It is hard to let go. But butting in and expecting to know things, which are none of your business, will not help with your long term relationship. She is pulling away. It’s developmental and normal.

It sounds like you're doing everything right, just keep the lines of communication open.

If your DD knows you check her phone and doesn't mind and you say she tells you everything, have you actually asked her about the texts from her friend?

Surely if she actually does know and doesn't mind then she'll know you would read the messages and know you'll ask her about them

Sounds like this friend of hers is actually her girlfriend and they can’t speak on the phone because then you’ll figure it out

Leaving a 13 year old girl free rein with the internet without spot checks is not a good idea. All the experts, all the child protection agencies, anyone with any professional interest will tell you that the internet can be a dangerous place for impressionable young people, it's nuts to expose them to that unchecked.