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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU hugs and kisses first dates are weird?

108 replies

Itchybites123 · 15/10/2022 22:00

Went on a date.

At the end he went for a huge and maybe a kiss.

I’m not attracted to him which is good, because I won’t act irrationally and I want to see him again.

when are these things supposed to progress naturally?

im 37, dating inexperienced.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itchybites123 · 19/10/2022 07:57

SavoirFlair · 19/10/2022 02:30

I’m sorrry @Itchybites123 but you are all over the place - it feels like you’re trying to forcibly keep him at arms length whatever your feelings, because of some intense need not to feel “used” by any experience

i think if I do have sex with him all he won’t want to date me… maybe I’m wrong.

if you’re not attracted to him (yet) but considering him on his merits as a life partner, then why are you considering sex with him at all?

I presume you’re considering having sex with him because you want to snap him up somehow and confirm a continued association with each other

Which is one of the worse reason to have sex in my view, and one I think is way more common on here than most posters would want to admit.

Having sex with a man because he’s shown interest and fits your criteria for a partner is fine in theory, but do you desire him physically for your own “needs”?

do you have a history perhaps of sleeping with partners early to try and seal the deal, and then feel rejected when that doesn’t sustain things beyond the first few dates?

Hence why you’re artificially throwing up barriers from early on to prevent such scenarios happening again?

l

Show quote history

Thanks.

i think I just don’t want to say no, and him to get disinterested.

i haven’t dated properly for ages….. so treat me like a teenager knowing nothing lol. But teenagers don’t want to find life partners…. Hmmm.

Honestly I don’t want to touch or kiss him because I want to date him. Im not repulsed by him, but I would only be doing it to keep up with what I perceive others to do!

Would it be ok not to kiss him just yet, and if he doesn’t like it, he’s not the one? It’s two dates tonight.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 08:03

If you don't feel ready to kiss him because you want to get to know him that's fine.

If you don't want to kiss him because there's no attraction it's unfair to keep him hanging on.

If he tries to kiss you tonight how will you feel?

Attraction can develop over time but you can't keep him hanging on in the hope that it'll develop.

Badgirlriri · 19/10/2022 08:34

This is depressing.
Doesn’t everyone want the butterflies in the stomach feeling and wondering are we/aren’t we going to kiss etc after a date??
Makes me feel sad thinking of it so transactional … would make a good life partner but not attracted to. Ugh. It’s not fair on them either, let them find somebody who does fancy them!

neverbeenskiing · 19/10/2022 09:27

maybe I will need to kiss the guy on the second date.

If you see your first kiss with this man as being something you might "need" to do out of obligation or to keep him interested, rather than something lovely and exciting that you're looking forward to, how can he possibly be right for you? You're talking about him as a potential partner but if any sort of physical intimacy feels like a chore or an obligation now when it's brand new and exciting what will it be like in a year, or five years, ten years??

EthicalNonMahogany · 19/10/2022 20:04

I still don't know if she actually WANTS to kiss him??

Original poster
Itchybites123 · 19/10/2022 22:26

we kissed :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Itchybites123 · 19/10/2022 22:55

neverbeenskiing · 19/10/2022 09:27

maybe I will need to kiss the guy on the second date.

If you see your first kiss with this man as being something you might "need" to do out of obligation or to keep him interested, rather than something lovely and exciting that you're looking forward to, how can he possibly be right for you? You're talking about him as a potential partner but if any sort of physical intimacy feels like a chore or an obligation now when it's brand new and exciting what will it be like in a year, or five years, ten years??

I want it to be five years down the line…. Hence why I didn’t want to get carried away in lust

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 06:18

Was it a nice kiss? Did you feel anything for him?

Eeksilon · 20/10/2022 06:37

Ahhh 🥰 how was it? And the date?

Original poster
Itchybites123 · 20/10/2022 13:55

girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 06:18

Was it a nice kiss? Did you feel anything for him?

Yes I did like it. But I don’t know if it’s because I want a bf or I want him as a bf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itchybites123 · 20/10/2022 16:20

Do we have sex at the weekends

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 17:56

No don't have sex with him yet. For all the reasons you previously cited.

MRex · 21/10/2022 06:30

Itchybites123 · 20/10/2022 16:20

Do we have sex at the weekends

General rule - it's nobody else's business when you choose to have sex or not. So don't ask anyone, just have sex when you want to.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 21/10/2022 06:57

This must be a wind up. It sounds like it's written by a teenager

liveforsummer · 21/10/2022 10:13

EmilyGilmoresSass · 21/10/2022 06:57

This must be a wind up. It sounds like it's written by a teenager

I know it's bizarre. How can you have a clue if you want to be with someone long term after 2 dates. Just relax and get to know him. You do not need to hug, kiss, hold hands, have sex with or even smile at anyone if you don't feel like you want to. Time will tell if that will come later. If it doesn't work out now due to differences in what you want then it's unlikely to work out happily long term

Original poster
Itchybites123 · 21/10/2022 22:54

EmilyGilmoresSass · 21/10/2022 06:57

This must be a wind up. It sounds like it's written by a teenager

Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itchybites123 · 21/10/2022 22:56

liveforsummer · 21/10/2022 10:13

I know it's bizarre. How can you have a clue if you want to be with someone long term after 2 dates. Just relax and get to know him. You do not need to hug, kiss, hold hands, have sex with or even smile at anyone if you don't feel like you want to. Time will tell if that will come later. If it doesn't work out now due to differences in what you want then it's unlikely to work out happily long term

Show quote history

Why says I’m wanting to see if I want to be with someone long term!

OP posts:
Original poster
Itchybites123 · 21/10/2022 23:01

i did write I’m not experienced

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 22/10/2022 13:58

Because your reasoning seems completely weird and based on assumptions that most of us get over by the age of 18?
a) That if you sleep with him or show you desire him in some way, that's bad and you've "lost the game"
b) That if you don't kiss him or lead him too think you want him, he's going to leave, and you'll have again "lost the game"
c) Your physical desire is completely bound up in a sense of what's socially appropriate- you're not in touch with your own lust. I remember that from when I was about 16.

The game for you seems to be about finding a partner who on paper ticks the boxes you want in a partner. It's SO WEIRD that's why I keep coming back to this thread!!

liveforsummer · 22/10/2022 14:02

Same @EthicalNonMahogany I recognise the feeling but from when I was 15. It's so Allen now as a single person on my 40's. What do you mean by not experienced OP. Unless living in a convent most people have at least been exposed to the norms of relationships throughout their adult life even if not personally experienced much

ThisWormHasTurned · 22/10/2022 14:10

I’m just getting back on the dating scene after being in a very long relationship. I’ve been on a few days. Couple where they were nice but no attraction. One I hugged, one I said goodbye to. One I did kiss and it was..okay. Last one we had a goodbye kiss (it was dark and we were outside but in public). Honestly my stomach just flipped thinking about it. I fancied him on the date but the kissing was amazing. For me, I realised then that I really liked him! Unfortunately it didn’t work out (his divorce is getting messy) but I’m glad I got some amazing kisses!
I won’t be jumping into bed with anyone quickly after being with one man for 15 years but I’m quite enjoying dating, flirting, having first kisses again!
OP if you really like this guy, take your time. There’s no rush.

Original poster
Itchybites123 · 22/10/2022 23:19

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/10/2022 13:58

Because your reasoning seems completely weird and based on assumptions that most of us get over by the age of 18?
a) That if you sleep with him or show you desire him in some way, that's bad and you've "lost the game"
b) That if you don't kiss him or lead him too think you want him, he's going to leave, and you'll have again "lost the game"
c) Your physical desire is completely bound up in a sense of what's socially appropriate- you're not in touch with your own lust. I remember that from when I was about 16.

The game for you seems to be about finding a partner who on paper ticks the boxes you want in a partner. It's SO WEIRD that's why I keep coming back to this thread!!

Or perhaps you are ok with having more than one love interest you are skewed?

OP posts:
MRex · 23/10/2022 07:11

@Itchybites123 - people are trying to help you with pointing out why the assumptions you're making aren't helpful and now you're getting snippy. Are you implying you have never had a physical relationship before? Why then are you thinking of rushing ahead with this man who you aren't even attracted to? It can be healthy to go on lots of dates precisely because you won't fancy everyone, so meeting a lot of people helps you locate one who does excite you. That's what all of us deserve, someone who adores us and who we can adore.

CrispsAreYummy · 23/10/2022 07:18

Ignore the posters who are saying you shouldn’t give him a second chance because you don’t find him attractive. Far too many wonderful men are overlooked by women because their conventionally good looking mate who is a total tool is out there wooing them into bed and then cheating on them with everything that moves. Go for it.

OpinionsOnEverything · 23/10/2022 09:09

I had a first date with a man I'd met on Plenty of Fish. We'd chatted online, by text, and on the phone a few times before meeting up a week or 2 later. I'd seen a photo and knew he wasn't my "usual" type, and I did not find him attractive AT ALL on the first date! But there was something in his personality that drew me to him. Nothing happened that first time but I knew I wanted to see him again.

13 and a half years later, that man is my husband of 8 years, we have a 5 year old son and 3 cats, and now he's grown a beard, I want to jump him at every opportunity 😂

Physical attraction is just lust - obviously if you're a few months in and it's still not there then it's probably not going to happen ... But if it's only been one date but you think his personality has potential, then definitely give him another try because you never know where it might lead!