Page 3 | AIBU hugs and kisses first dates are weird?

Itchybites123 · 2022-10-15T21:00:41+00:00

Went on a date. At the end he went for a huge and maybe a kiss. I’m not attracted to him which is good, because I won’t act irrationally and I want to see him again. when are these things supposed to progress naturally? im 37, dating inexperienced.

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 18:52

(I’m getting really anxious today as I really want to see the guy again).

So the not being attracted to him being a bonus because then you'll be more relaxed hasn't worked out for you then? If you're feeling like this then it's likely you are indeed attracted to him. I've certainly never felt anxious over someone with no attraction before

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 18:53

InsomniacVampire · 16/10/2022 18:46

I actually understand OP. I was in relationships that were 'good', but no fireworks, and maybe the guys were nt my type, but they were kind and nice and that's what mattered more than they looks- guy who I felt attracted to were mostly idiots. And I didnt find it hard to be intimate, because I like their personality and we had good time and had lots ot talks about. It just wasn't the being crazy about someone, but there was security and respect.

Sounds like kind and nice was actually what you were attracted to? Who are you with now?

Riapia · 16/10/2022 18:55

Itchybites123 · 16/10/2022 18:07

Because I’m looking for a life partner and I want to have a partner…. I guess I’m trying to avoid giving men sex without a commitment.

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So you regard sex as a prize to be given.
If he meets your expectations.

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 16/10/2022 19:06

Riapia · 16/10/2022 18:55

So you regard sex as a prize to be given.
If he meets your expectations.

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You got this from me dating and not wanting to be used for sex?

OP posts:

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 16/10/2022 19:07

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 18:53

Sounds like kind and nice was actually what you were attracted to? Who are you with now?

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he is what I’m looking for in a number of ways for a partner. I just didn’t feel the need to have my tongue down his throat outside a cafe lol.

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 19:14

he is what I’m looking for in a number of ways for a partner. I just didn’t feel the need to have my tongue down his throat outside a cafe lol.

Well I wouldn't want that either, even with the sexiest bloke I'd ever met.

cheshirebloke · 16/10/2022 19:51

Itchybites123 · 16/10/2022 19:06

You got this from me dating and not wanting to be used for sex?

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I think that came from your wording - you shouldn't view sex as something you 'give', that makes it sound transactional. It's something you do or have together.

I think it's very normal to hug and kiss (peck on the cheek, not tonsil hockey) at the end of a first date. Most women I've dated have initiated that, even ones who said they didn't want a second date.

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 20:01

Yes a hug, peck on the cheek absolutely fine - no man on the world would motivate me to stand and snog them on a busy street outside a cage in broad daylight and if that put them off then they'd not be for me so no harm done 😆

InsomniacVampire · 16/10/2022 20:10

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 18:53

Sounds like kind and nice was actually what you were attracted to? Who are you with now?

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What I meant was, that I was not initially very attracted to them in the same way as I was to some other men I have met that I found very, very attractive/hot, but knew they would not make very good partners long term (or not even short term sometimes). I know it's harsh to say it was a bit of a compromise, but I value stability over desire in a relationship. I have been with my DP for years and it also was not a love at first sight, but we like doing similar things and have similar sense of humour.
So in a way yes, I found him attractive, but not in a way I think a lot of people here mean. I didnt find him attractive in a sexual way, nor I found him very good looking by the standards when we met as I did with some other men I met (but didnt see myself in a relationship), but it never was something I found that important?
I had a few friends who found happiness in arranged marriages, and I know many of our other friends found it really weird, but I always understood you can grow to love someone in that way.

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 16/10/2022 23:07

InsomniacVampire · 16/10/2022 20:10

What I meant was, that I was not initially very attracted to them in the same way as I was to some other men I have met that I found very, very attractive/hot, but knew they would not make very good partners long term (or not even short term sometimes). I know it's harsh to say it was a bit of a compromise, but I value stability over desire in a relationship. I have been with my DP for years and it also was not a love at first sight, but we like doing similar things and have similar sense of humour.
So in a way yes, I found him attractive, but not in a way I think a lot of people here mean. I didnt find him attractive in a sexual way, nor I found him very good looking by the standards when we met as I did with some other men I met (but didnt see myself in a relationship), but it never was something I found that important?
I had a few friends who found happiness in arranged marriages, and I know many of our other friends found it really weird, but I always understood you can grow to love someone in that way.

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Sounds like what I’m doing!

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MRex · 17/10/2022 08:16

I tried dating a couple of men who looked a good fit and were nice, got the massive ick when they tried to kiss me. Doesn't work in my view, a bit of attraction matters.

StarlightLady · 17/10/2022 08:45

In my book it’s all about passion and that little tingle.

A hug is normal, a kiss can be normal if the chemistry is right and even a lot more can be normal and fun.

But if you are not attracted to someone, the passion and that tingle are missing. Then it’s time for bed, on your own.

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 17/10/2022 09:25

The times I’ve kissed on the first date or gone home I feel a bit icky after…. So I won’t be doing that.

maybe I will need to kiss the guy on the second date.

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MRex · 17/10/2022 15:53

Just kiss men who you want to kiss @Itchybites123. So what if they don't wait, if you didn't want to kiss them anyway?

A hug and air/cheek kiss though is not super intimate! I think I hugged 10 people just at work today. In fairness, people are in and out ofdifferent offices so most I haven't seen in over a year, but they are mates and so we hug. I don't hug the newbies nor random. If you don't like hugs, then best explain that on dates because hugging is quite usual.

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 18/10/2022 16:38

MRex · 17/10/2022 15:53

Just kiss men who you want to kiss @Itchybites123. So what if they don't wait, if you didn't want to kiss them anyway?

A hug and air/cheek kiss though is not super intimate! I think I hugged 10 people just at work today. In fairness, people are in and out ofdifferent offices so most I haven't seen in over a year, but they are mates and so we hug. I don't hug the newbies nor random. If you don't like hugs, then best explain that on dates because hugging is quite usual.

Wow I don’t think that I would do that…. Maybe I’m just not a Huggie person.

i think if I do have sex with him all he won’t want to date me… maybe I’m wrong.

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Wowzers12 · 18/10/2022 16:41

I find my partner really attractive, more so the older we get tbh. Sometimes I see him straight out the shower or when he gets back with a fresh trim and think mmmmmm 🤤

Attraction is important but that can also grow if you really like the guy

Wowzers12 · 18/10/2022 16:42

Itchybites123 · 17/10/2022 09:25

The times I’ve kissed on the first date or gone home I feel a bit icky after…. So I won’t be doing that.

maybe I will need to kiss the guy on the second date.

I get this. Any time I've moved too fast with someone I've got cringed out by them soon after lol

gogohmm · 18/10/2022 16:49

I really didn't want to leave dp on our first date, we did kiss. Second date was worse, if he hadn't got plans the next day I would have dragged him the 100 miles

StarlightLady · 18/10/2022 17:09

@gogohmm😉

StarlightLady · 18/10/2022 17:09

Worse or better?

Original poster

Itchybites123 · 18/10/2022 22:34

Wowzers12 · 18/10/2022 16:42

I get this. Any time I've moved too fast with someone I've got cringed out by them soon after lol

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I just think less of them as well…. That they are just after sex…. Which most are.

OP posts:

Glitterblue · 19/10/2022 01:55

DH kissed me on our first date. I'd been hoping he would 😂

Glitterblue · 19/10/2022 01:56

@Wowzers12 I still find DH really attractive after 21 years together.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/10/2022 02:21

TrianglePlayer · 15/10/2022 22:18

The norm is only going on a subsequent date if you find them attractive.

People date for many reasons and with many motives.

Yes, OP, that sort of presumptuous intimacy is a turnoff.

SavoirFlair · 19/10/2022 02:30

Itchybites123 · 17/10/2022 09:25

The times I’ve kissed on the first date or gone home I feel a bit icky after…. So I won’t be doing that.

maybe I will need to kiss the guy on the second date.

I’m sorrry @Itchybites123 but you are all over the place - it feels like you’re trying to forcibly keep him at arms length whatever your feelings, because of some intense need not to feel “used” by any experience

i think if I do have sex with him all he won’t want to date me… maybe I’m wrong.

if you’re not attracted to him (yet) but considering him on his merits as a life partner, then why are you considering sex with him at all?

I presume you’re considering having sex with him because you want to snap him up somehow and confirm a continued association with each other

Which is one of the worse reason to have sex in my view, and one I think is way more common on here than most posters would want to admit.

Having sex with a man because he’s shown interest and fits your criteria for a partner is fine in theory, but do you desire him physically for your own “needs”?

do you have a history perhaps of sleeping with partners early to try and seal the deal, and then feel rejected when that doesn’t sustain things beyond the first few dates?

Hence why you’re artificially throwing up barriers from early on to prevent such scenarios happening again?

l