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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to know travel details when my ex is taking kids abroad?

99 replies

Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 17:27

My ex husband is taking our two kids (9 and 11) abroad for the first time next week. They are going to Paris. I know this because the kids told me. I have asked their dad to give me their flight details-I'm not asking for their full itinerary I just want to know when they're in the air and what city they are in. I've asked politely several times but am getting no response at all. Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this. I don't normally get into on where they are when they're away, but this is first time they've been abroad and feels different. AIBU?

OP posts:
ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 17:28

Don't see any real need to be honest . What difference does it make if they are in the air at 2pm or 4pm. If something happened you know soon enough.

Sprig1 · 15/10/2022 17:31

I don't see why you need this information. Just let it go.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 17:33

Oh and I am speaking from your very similar position of having kids of a similar age who travel with my ex. It simply isn't necessary. Enjoy your kid free time. He's their parent, not a distant relative or even a teacher in loco parentis.

endofthelinefinally · 15/10/2022 17:33

The only thing I would really insist on knowing would be the details of the travel insurance company and level of cover.

mrsmarmalade12 · 15/10/2022 17:36

I'm with you OP, basic details like flight info is something I would 100% insist on.

NeedMoMoney · 15/10/2022 17:41

Sprig1 · 15/10/2022 17:31

I don't see why you need this information. Just let it go.

She said on her post they have a written agreement for when they travel abroad..so uh yeah..she needs the details from him, wish people would read the whole post before commenting 🙄

cavi1 · 15/10/2022 17:42

It's a method of control OP. My Ex does the same. Try and make your peace with it and don't show it bothers you if you can. I'm bothered by this too

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 17:52

Yes but why is it in the agreement? And does it specify exact flight details or just dates and general location? For those saying it's necessary, why?

caringcarer · 15/10/2022 18:12

My children would not be going until I had seen DC light I formation and where they were staying especially if documents stated this was necessary. I would not be handing over passports without information.

Testina · 15/10/2022 18:18

Why have you written this in a separation agreement. That screams back story.

Divorced 12 years now, neither ex nor I have ever shared anything more than the date we need the kids and date dropping back - which might not even be the date of travel. We tend to know the country from chatting to the kids.

Original poster
Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 18:22

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 17:52

Yes but why is it in the agreement? And does it specify exact flight details or just dates and general location? For those saying it's necessary, why?

His solicitors put it in the separation agreement. I assumed it was just standard. It says we have to cooperate re release of passports (he already has them), and that 30 days notice is required prior to taking kids out of the country. It just says we have to give details of travel arrangements.

OP posts:
WoooahNelly · 15/10/2022 18:23

Yes I'd want to know flight details and where they are staying, I've given the same before when I have taken them abroad. Things happen (thankfully rarely) but imagine a Sousse type event or flight emergency and you having no clue whether your DC are affected.

Testina · 15/10/2022 18:25

But what’s the backstory to even asking a solicitor to draw up a separation agreement? Are you in Scotland?

MatildaTheCat · 15/10/2022 18:28

Do either of them have a phone? If so they are old enough to update you with a text to say ‘at the airport’ and ‘safely arrived’. If he has form for this I’d communicate directly with the DC.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/10/2022 18:28

I don't think YABU. I'd want to know flight info and where they're going, what activities etc. this comes from one of my DD's on a school trip missing a bomb attack at the airport by minutes. Thankfully. Your ex might not be in a position to help his kids if something happens. It's a ridiculous powerplay on his part, however unlikely it is that something might happen

WoooahNelly · 15/10/2022 18:29

A separation agreement should be standard imo because it sets out the boundaries of what each parent agrees to, it's the less formal version of a child arrangement order

Lachimolala · 15/10/2022 18:33

In our CAO order it says we have to provide holiday location, flight numbers/times, hotel, insurance etc.

This is mainly because ex tried to abscond for the jurisdiction with them once already. But I too have to adhere to it.

Typically I do and he doesn’t. It’s very frustrating and likely just the usual power and control tactics. He wants your attention be it negative or positive, I’d ignore him but make a note of it all for just in case.

PinkiOcelot · 15/10/2022 18:34

I would want to know the flight and hotel details. Why wouldn’t you? What’s the big deal in wanting to know the details? Why shouldn’t OP know where her DC are?
MN is a weird place sometimes.

emanresuymevas · 15/10/2022 18:39

In my divorce agreement (in an EU country) STBX and I won't be able to take the children abroad without signed consent from the other parent. We have to fill in a standard form from the government saying where we're going, accommodation information, contact details for every location and flight/transportation details. We actually have to do that already if we travel separately with the kids (still married).

It's completely standard because if parents have joint custody then it's not legal for one to leave the country with the kids without the others' consent. If consent isn't forthcoming, the would-be-traveller can apply to court.

Seems insane to me that a parent could travel abroad and the other parent not know where in the world their children were!

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 18:41

@PinkiOcelot I wouldn't need to know the exact details because it's of no use to me. They're with their dad. There's a chance "something" could happen anytime they step out of the door. Unless there is a specific reason to distrust the adult I think the "controlling" element here lies with the OP or others who want to have the exact details. Do you Google the hotel, see if it's up to scratch, look at reviews and tell the ed it's not good enough, or you think there's not enough to do, or it's too near the road or whatever? I simply cannot see the reason for exact details...if neither minds handing them over fine, but it's a great opportunity for "backseat parenting" and I can understand why the other would demur.

bakehimawaytoys · 15/10/2022 18:46

Of course OP's got a right to know flight details! Imagine if there was a plane crash or a terrorist incident and she had no idea if her kids were on the flight.

I'd be speaking to a solicitor if I were you OP.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 18:50

@bakehimawaytoys what if there was a car crash in the town the ex lives in, or on the motorway and they are stuck for hours, or a terrorist attack on a shopping centre in the UK where they live? Unless you require an exact itinerary for every day they are with the ex, there's no need for exact details for travel. Rough idea of time and resort, sure, perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 18:54

Testina · 15/10/2022 18:25

But what’s the backstory to even asking a solicitor to draw up a separation agreement? Are you in Scotland?

Yes scotland. We had one drawn up prior to divorce. It specified how the house was settled and arrangements for childcare (50:50). It never occurred to me that this wound be an issue but things have deteriorated between us. I'm trying to down- play it, and haven't said anything to the kids about it as they're obviously really looking forward to the holiday. I certainly wouldn't be giving him an opinion on the hotel etc. I just feel uncomfortable about not knowing where they are in the world. DS has a phone but just PAYG so suspect he won't be able to text (and would probably forget anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 18:56

Yeah I get your point. I have only asked for flight details though

OP posts:
8MinutesToSunrise · 15/10/2022 19:00

YANBU, I'd want to know too