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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to know travel details when my ex is taking kids abroad?

99 replies

Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 17:27

My ex husband is taking our two kids (9 and 11) abroad for the first time next week. They are going to Paris. I know this because the kids told me. I have asked their dad to give me their flight details-I'm not asking for their full itinerary I just want to know when they're in the air and what city they are in. I've asked politely several times but am getting no response at all. Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this. I don't normally get into on where they are when they're away, but this is first time they've been abroad and feels different. AIBU?

OP posts:
Jo586 · 15/10/2022 19:03

If I had had to supply me ex with travel details when my kids were younger , they would have got a simple two word response.

PAFMO · 15/10/2022 19:04

Of course Yanbu and some of the answers you've had are bizarre, frankly.
You don't need to explain yourself to anyone on here, or provide any backstory.
As the more sensible and legally knowledgeable posters have said, aside from it being common courtesy for anyone, be it the other parent or not, to let you know where your children are, it's a clause included in many, if not most separation documents.

Jo586 · 15/10/2022 19:07

Yep plane crash or terrorists, always my first thought when travelling, there is more chance of them being struck by lightning.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 19:25

@PAFMO there's a world of difference between knowing "we're flying from Gatwick on Tuesday morning to Paris" and flight no xxxx hotel xxxx. If it's in the contract fine, but in England, where it is not standard, as far as I'm concerned there's no need bar unusual backstory. There's no right or wrong as such, just differing views. It's not bizarre to trust the other parent and not micromanage or have micro knowledge of their contact time.

melj1213 · 15/10/2022 19:27

YANBU - any parent, unless there are issues of abusive or controlling behaviour, should not have any issue with informing the other parent of the most basic of travel arrangements "I'm taking Jane and John to Paris for the week, we're flying Monday at 10.25 from Manchester, flying back from CDG on Friday at 7.30pm and will be staying in a hotel on the Champs Elysées".

If the OP was asking for a minute by minute itinerary then it would be OTT but just knowing when and where their children are going to be is not an unreasonable request.

Whenever ExDH or I travel with DD we just automatically share travel details as neither of us has anything to hide and he always sends a "We've arrived safely, just waiting for the bags and we're heading to the hotel" text which I know to be expecting as I know the flight details and it just puts my mind at ease and then I don't really hear from either of them until they're coming home again unless DD whatsapps pictures of their activities to me during the trip.

Selttan · 15/10/2022 19:30

YANBU unless you have form for causing issues seems strange he wouldn't he give you the flight details.

Sarahcoggles · 15/10/2022 19:31

YANBU.
I can't believe anyone happily waves their kids off without knowing when they'll be flying or where there'll be staying. Actually I'm jealous of anyone who leads such a charmed life they never worry about possible sad outcomes.

bevelino · 15/10/2022 19:33

Place an AirTag in their luggage and track it.

Lachimolala · 15/10/2022 19:33

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 19:25

@PAFMO there's a world of difference between knowing "we're flying from Gatwick on Tuesday morning to Paris" and flight no xxxx hotel xxxx. If it's in the contract fine, but in England, where it is not standard, as far as I'm concerned there's no need bar unusual backstory. There's no right or wrong as such, just differing views. It's not bizarre to trust the other parent and not micromanage or have micro knowledge of their contact time.

It’s the done thing though these days, legally that is. It’s a pretty normal thing to have included in orders.

And if there’s a legal agreement then he needs to comply regardless of what us randoms on the internet think.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 19:40

@Lachimolala as you can see from my username I'm not fan of my ex but yes I do pretty much wave them off and assume I'll see them alive again in a week or whatever. I do 99% of the day to day parenting and have to be constantly micromanaging their day and arrangements so when I get a chance to stop, I do. Not everyone has a CAO or needs one.

purpleboy · 15/10/2022 19:42

Sarahcoggles · 15/10/2022 19:31

YANBU.
I can't believe anyone happily waves their kids off without knowing when they'll be flying or where there'll be staying. Actually I'm jealous of anyone who leads such a charmed life they never worry about possible sad outcomes.

Agree, it's so alien to me that your wouldn't know travel plans for your kids.

Original poster
Tangledweb2022 · 15/10/2022 19:49

Selttan · 15/10/2022 19:30

YANBU unless you have form for causing issues seems strange he wouldn't he give you the flight details.

I have never requested holiday info before and have never made any attempt to interfere in their time with him. I assumed it wouldn't be a problem the first time I asked. Now I've asked several times and it's bugging me. I'm clearly going to have to let it go. I just don't know why he wouldn't share that info. I can only assume it is power-play, as suggested. Pointless and infuriating.

OP posts:
bakehimawaytoys · 15/10/2022 19:52

Jo586 · 15/10/2022 19:07

Yep plane crash or terrorists, always my first thought when travelling, there is more chance of them being struck by lightning.

So what? We're not talking about any random person off the street, these are her kids and she's absolutely entitled to know when exactly they are on a plane, not least because this right is formally set out in the separation agreement, which he has signed and had legs advice on.

I imagine it's hard enough being separated from your kids while they go abroad with your ex, without the logistics being shrouded in mystery too. Presumably that's why these arrangements were specifically set out in the separation agreement.

Lachimolala · 15/10/2022 20:05

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/10/2022 19:40

@Lachimolala as you can see from my username I'm not fan of my ex but yes I do pretty much wave them off and assume I'll see them alive again in a week or whatever. I do 99% of the day to day parenting and have to be constantly micromanaging their day and arrangements so when I get a chance to stop, I do. Not everyone has a CAO or needs one.

You don’t need to have a CAO order to understand what I’m saying, I was just trying to make the point that her request isn’t unreasonable and actually he is legally bound to comply with it.

You seem to be really caught up in what you do and what you think is normal, that you’re missing the point that there’s a legal document here and both parents need to adhere to it.

rwalker · 15/10/2022 20:33

you don’t need them this cuts both way if you take them away you don’t to give him details
Some hills aren’t worth dying on

thegruffalosbum · 15/10/2022 20:48

I'm in exactly the same position, OP. They are your children, it's hard not even having them in the same house when it's shared custody. To imagine them in a whole different country and not even know where or when they were going is so upsetting. PP in this position who don't seem to care about that stuff truly baffle me.

No, there may not be a RIGHT to know (and maybe you do if it's in a written agreement, I don't know) but my ex-DH and I agreed to swapping these details. In fact, he even asked me to let him know if I was taking them away for a weekend out of our home town. But in typical male control fashion, he now refuses to tell me the other way round and he always holds onto the passports until I need them. I can't do anything about it so I just ask the children and am glad they have their own phones. So sorry, I really do get it. Men are such arseholes sometimes.

sbhydrogen · 15/10/2022 20:51

I would insist on dates, flight numbers and hotel name/address. What else they do is up to their dad, but I would want to know where my kids are.

Craftybodger · 15/10/2022 20:55

I agree - he needs to provide basic details. I’d also be putting an air tag in their suitcases.

MeridianB · 15/10/2022 20:57

YANBU - any parent, unless there are issues of abusive or controlling behaviour, should not have any issue with informing the other parent of the most basic of travel arrangements

I agree with this. It’s really just common courtesy. In your case also a requirement. So it feels like he’s trying to make a point by ignoring you.

Crosswithlifeatm · 15/10/2022 21:03

If he has control of the passports then its power play.He probably won't let you have them without a minute by minute itinerary!

user1496146479 · 15/10/2022 21:33

And in real life, it's perfectly normal for most sane people to share an itinerary!!
All the crazies are out tonight Confused

saraclara · 15/10/2022 21:43

user1496146479 · 15/10/2022 21:33

And in real life, it's perfectly normal for most sane people to share an itinerary!!
All the crazies are out tonight Confused

Absolutely. Who'd be happy with a current and resident partner taking the kids away and not giving any details where?

thistooshallpass162637 · 15/10/2022 21:48

They're young, aren't you supposed to authorise that they're take out of the country? I'm not divorced but my kids passports have a big stamp stating they are only authorised to fly with both parents and if one of us isn't present they need written authorisation to board a plane. How come because he has the passports he can just take them out of the country like that? That's insane. They're minors!

2DemisSVP · 15/10/2022 21:50

just Booked flights to Oz for me and mine to visit family, leaving DH behind. Trailfinders advised I need a letter with me , from DH, confirming he agrees to my taking the kids and the flight details, proving he knows what we’re doing. And a copy of his passport. And their birth certificates ! And we’re married , so you’re not at all unreasonable especially given no longer together.

saraclara · 15/10/2022 22:01

thistooshallpass162637 · 15/10/2022 21:48

They're young, aren't you supposed to authorise that they're take out of the country? I'm not divorced but my kids passports have a big stamp stating they are only authorised to fly with both parents and if one of us isn't present they need written authorisation to board a plane. How come because he has the passports he can just take them out of the country like that? That's insane. They're minors!

Really? I've
never heard of such a stamp. What country are you in?