...to want to know travel details when my ex is taking kids abroad?

[Tangledweb2022]

My ex husband is taking our two kids (9 and 11) abroad for the first time next week. They are going to Paris. I know this because the kids told me. I have asked their dad to give me their flight details-I'm not asking for their full itinerary I just want to know when they're in the air and what city they are in. I've asked politely several times but am getting no response at all. Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this. I don't normally get into on where they are when they're away, but this is first time they've been abroad and feels different. AIBU?

[Testina]

@thistooshallpass162637

They're young, aren't you supposed to authorise that they're take out of the country? I'm not divorced but my kids passports have a big stamp stating they are only authorised to fly with both parents and if one of us isn't present they need written authorisation to board a plane. How come because he has the passports he can just take them out of the country like that? That's insane. They're minors!

WTAF?

1. what country are you in?
2. who did the stamp?
3. why would you even do it when you’re not divorced??

Bullshit 😆

[R0BYN]

I don’t know how anyone can afford a PAYG mobile for kids. Get your oldest or both of them a contract that has EU roaming and show them how to use what’s app or snap chat video to call you when they are with their dad. Tesco is £10/month I think.

[thegruffalosbum]

@bevelino

Place an AirTag in their luggage and track it.

This is a great idea. Mine are going to the other side of the world soon and am so anxious. I will do this. Thank you for the idea.

[Givenuptotally]

For those saying it's necessary, why?
plane comes down, car crash, terrorist incident…..but mainly, if the children are not returned, what do you say to the authorities? I don’t know which country they went to, let alone the city/resort, the hotel, the flight etc?

[Tangledweb2022]

That feels a bit stalkerish? I would much rather be able to cooperate! Also I wouldn't want to give him any ammunition.

[user1471494928]

@Testina

WTAF?

1. what country are you in?
2. who did the stamp?
3. why would you even do it when you’re not divorced??

Bullshit 😆

I’ve not heard of the stamp but you’re not allowed to take a child abroard without written consent of the other parent if you are married and a lot of airports will demand written proof of this before they will let you board

[thegruffalosbum]

@Tangledweb2022

That feels a bit stalkerish? I would much rather be able to cooperate! Also I wouldn't want to give him any ammunition.

I assume you're talking about the air tag? Although I hadn't thought about doing this for overseas travel before this thread, most of my friends put one in their children's school bags if they are in secondary school. I had considered it but not got round to it. Its a fine line between stalker and safeguarding. My young secondary school DC recently went missing for 3 hours (police involved) and an air tag would have solved a lot of problems!

[ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat]

@user1496146479 I am not crazy thanks - I have a very realistic and undramatic approach to life in general which is probably why I haven't had a nervous breakdown over the last few years of my twatty (to me) ex's antics. I have also never been worried about leaving my kids with grandparents etc when quite young for the odd break away, which I know some on here find equally impossible to fathom.
I don't disagree that if the OP or another parent wants the details, it wouldn't be a big deal to give them, and obviously if its per an order, they should, but absent of that, I wouldn't think it necessary or worth kicking up a fuss over. My kids went trans-atlantic a few years ago without me, for a 10 day trip within a 3 week period of contact with their dad. I wasn't 100% sure exactly of the travel details because it made literally no difference to me, they were with their other parent, just like they are with me 99% of the time usually and he has no idea what we're doing or where we are, including short trips in the UK. When we go abroad he knows roughly when and where but again, has never asked for specifics.

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My DH and I always give travel details to my DSDs Mum and vice versa. Not every little detail but definitely a “we’re leaving at 12, flights at 4, we land at 6 so we’ll get settled and text you when we’re safely at hotel,” or similar. It’s common courtesy I think!

[HollyJollypup]

@NeedMoMoney

She said on her post they have a written agreement for when they travel abroad..so uh yeah..she needs the details from him, wish people would read the whole post before commenting 🙄

She doesn’t ‘need’ the details. She just wants them. There isn’t any real need for the information even if it does state on her agreement she should have it.

[user1496146479]

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat

@user1496146479 I am not crazy thanks - I have a very realistic and undramatic approach to life in general which is probably why I haven't had a nervous breakdown over the last few years of my twatty (to me) ex's antics. I have also never been worried about leaving my kids with grandparents etc when quite young for the odd break away, which I know some on here find equally impossible to fathom.
I don't disagree that if the OP or another parent wants the details, it wouldn't be a big deal to give them, and obviously if its per an order, they should, but absent of that, I wouldn't think it necessary or worth kicking up a fuss over. My kids went trans-atlantic a few years ago without me, for a 10 day trip within a 3 week period of contact with their dad. I wasn't 100% sure exactly of the travel details because it made literally no difference to me, they were with their other parent, just like they are with me 99% of the time usually and he has no idea what we're doing or where we are, including short trips in the UK. When we go abroad he knows roughly when and where but again, has never asked for specifics.

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat
No drama here either thanks. More than happy to let my kids go to grandparents etc overnight also.


Although it's just common sense & courtesy to share plane itinerary with parents/immediate family etc.

No one needs the life story just the headlines.

[Tangledweb2022]

@HollyJollypup

She doesn’t ‘need’ the details. She just wants them. There isn’t any real need for the information even if it does state on her agreement she should have it.

Yes you're right it's a 'want' not a 'need', which is I suppose why I was asking if it was reasonable because I feel like I'm going a bit mad...
I guess it's reasonable for me to ask, but reasonable for him to choose to ignore me also🙄

[SD1978]

Same agreement here- what time flights are, there and back. I don't see how it's unreasonable to know that, and as the only parent who has gone overseas, I always provide it.

[Soontobe60]

@mrsmarmalade12

I'm with you OP, basic details like flight info is something I would 100% insist on.

Why?

[paintitallover]

"Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this."

That's they key information. It doesn't matter what other peoples opinions are. I would insist, before you hand them over.

[Justasmallgless]

YANBU and I would email/text to remind him of conditions of separation agreement. If he doesn't respond, write a letter and keep a copy.
Totally understand why you would worry and I would feel the same when they are abroad.
I'm not 100% on Scottish law but think you need consent of other party?
Either way it's written into your agreement

[sjpkgp1]

I quite liked the airtag thing but realise that you are not keen due to being a bit stalkerish - and I can see how this would get unpleasant if it was found. If they have phones (and maybe they don't at that age) you can download snapchat which allows you to see where they are precisely if you have this enabled, and also talk to them / message them in a way that their peers do. I think they are probably too young for snapchat, and it has its own problems, but worth a thought. I think Iphones have "find my phone" also, which may do the same job (i'm android now so don't have this). I don't think you are being unreasonable btw, I think I'd want to know too, but I wouldn't stress to much over it.

[VoiceOfCommonSense]

He’s their dad. I’m sure they will be fine. Just out your feet up and have a glass of wine..

[KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange]

Surely he's given you the details on the travel arrangements though. He is taking them to Paris and told you the day. You are being difficult on purpose.

[AllTheAll]

YANBU
Even not divorced parents would share this information. I would always want to know that anyone in my family has arrived to destination safely and arrived home safely. It's a text these days, not an imposition.

[funzeny]

If your considered silly for wanting the flight number, then what's the harm him just giving it. It's so much easier to work together as parents, just send that tiny detail, to put mums mind at rest than create an argument as to why she wants it and deliberately keep it secret.

[NumberTheory]

@Tangledweb2022

Yes you're right it's a 'want' not a 'need', which is I suppose why I was asking if it was reasonable because I feel like I'm going a bit mad...
I guess it's reasonable for me to ask, but reasonable for him to choose to ignore me also🙄

Unless you have form for criticising his arrangements at all (like telling him he shouldn’t travel with them late at night/early in the morning/on a boat or double checking he’s thought about food/connection time/transfer) it’s not really reasonable for him to refuse. He’s being a dick. But at the same time - what difference does him not telling you make? He’s clearly not the sort to call you when they land to let you they’ve arrived. So all you’d have is an expectation that they’ll be on a particular plane. But you wouldn’t know if they’d boarded, you wouldn’t know that they’d got off, etc.

He’s being a dick, but you give him satisfaction if you react to it or hassle him about it, and you gain nothing of value.

[Cameleongirl]

Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this.

I can't understand why posters are saying you don't need their travel information. It's written in your separation agreement and anyway, isn't it the norm for parents to share international travel details? DH and I are together, but we always share this information - for example, DH and DS are planning a trip together next summer and of course I'll have their flight details and know which hotels they're staying in. I thought it was standard practice for parents (whether together or divorced) to share this about their minor children, tbh.

[parsniiips]

If I were in this situation I would want to know flight dates and times and flight numbers, and location/accommodation details.

For me, it's not about control, it's about having peace of mind or knowledge if there was a news incident. Or if flights are delayed, you are not left worried sick that they haven't contacted you or come home when expected.

Say your kids had flown with their dad to New York, but you didn't know which airline, when they were taking off or landing, or which part of New York they were going to.
Then there's a news bulletin that there has been an incident on a plane heading to New York.
Or there has been a bomb scare, an accident or an attack of some description somewhere in New York.
Are you people seriously saying you wouldn't be bothered about having your children's travel and accommodation details so you could rest easy knowing they are safe?

Anyone who is not prepared to share that information with the other parent (without good reason) is the controlling one.

[NumberTheory]

@Cameleongirl

Our separation agreement states we need to give written info on travel details when going abroad but he seems to be ignoring this.

I can't understand why posters are saying you don't need their travel information. It's written in your separation agreement and anyway, isn't it the norm for parents to share international travel details? DH and I are together, but we always share this information - for example, DH and DS are planning a trip together next summer and of course I'll have their flight details and know which hotels they're staying in. I thought it was standard practice for parents (whether together or divorced) to share this about their minor children, tbh.

It is standard. But that doesn’t mean she needs them. If she doesn’t have them, nothing is really going to change, is it? The kids are going to have the same holiday they’d have if she knew. It will make it more awkward and upsetting if some incredible rare events happen. But even then, it’s not going to change the outcome.

Sharing is the civil thing to do and the Ex is being a dick and would be even if the requirement wasn’t set out in the separation agreement. It doesn’t bode well for the future but this is one of those pick you battles moments. Much better to note it and use the fact he hasn’t complied in the future if there is a need to show he can’t be relied upon to follow agreements. The alternative is to go further than asking for them and pointing out that he’s supposed to share them (which OP has done). Because the only steps the OP has left are, basically, begging or versions of brinkmanship and they’re not worth it given that, as above, she doesn’t really need the details.