To wonder how everyone knows so much about others' finances?

[bluegreygreen]

Lots of threads on here at the moment about money issues, as you might expect.

What has surprised me is how many people seem to know so much about their friends'/families' finances.

I have read threads comparing OP's rent to the neighbours' mortgage payment, and others complaining about friends or siblings being helped out financially because they 'earn x amount per month' or 'their outgoings are only y'.

I have never spoken to anyone other than my husband and the bank about our mortgage payment. I don't know what my neighbours earn. Is this unusual?

I'm always surprised too.Especially when people seem to know a ridiculous amount of detail about what benefits someone they don't even claim to like or know well!!
I have a vague idea of what my sister earns (not much more than NMW) and I know what 1 friend earns because she told me, otherwise apart from DH I don't know what any of my friends earn but I can tell from their spending, and what they consider economising, its a lot more than we do!

In my family and my best friends quite a few of us work in the NHS so if I know what band they are I know what there salaries are.

For my close friends and siblings I know approx what there mortgages are etc so whilst we don't talk about money we do approx know

This. It is openly discussed in my circle of friends

Depends. Only on mn do people think that others do not!

Everyone I know discusses financial things. We have close friend groups of 4 or 6. Also the same bigger groups, plus people who get together for someone's 40th or 50th. Plus weekly football mums chats at football matches each week. Plus nights out with same people for a curry. Loads of other groups aswell. We went on numerous camps and holidays with Ds1's old football team and were a particularly close group, whereas other football teams are barley civil.

I appreciate that others may not socialise as much. Plus we have a huge family that are very close, so I know how all my bil's and sil's live.

No one mentions exact salary, or very rarely. But a few people have because they were talking about a new job/role they were going for because it was a big deal/big promotion. But others talk about pensions, heating bills, spare cash left at month end.

People give a lot of info away. Say when we all talk about - eg shock of prices of holidays this year compared to ..... we didn't spend that much when we paid £xk when we went to Ibiza/Majorca/tenerife x many years ago and it was a lot cheaper then.

So you do know how much people spend and on what. Quite easily. If you are the king of person who chats that kind of chat.

On mn a lot of people are very introverted. In my RL people are not. They are active and social.

For example many of my friends are parent governors, chairs of schools, they kids play football and they regularly go to the pub with 4 of football mums, music groups who get together and rehearse and go to festivals. one of my closest friends has a group from uni who meet regularly and go and see all of the works of Shakespeare. These mums have messenger or WhatsApp groups where they text / message daily or frequently. This is a source of closeness and support.

So like pp (was it Highland pony?) they know when someone wins on lottery, who's had an argument with their Dh, who had got a contract for £40k, because they all work in the same HR / contract area.

I think you'd be surprised how many women, not on mn obviously crave the closeness that this kind of sharing brings.

May not be your cup of tea, but it shouldn't come as a surprise that it goes on.

That's the reason why if I know things I talk to the kettle apart from previous pickles when I did not think clearly but thankfully it was no one close to me,is

second point about talking to the kettle is otherwise even when it's the I'll say x if you keep secret, does not always hold, as by then they have done the same with other people etc

Really interesting thread. I am in my late 40s - in my experience, friends tend not to talk about money. I tried to bring it up in my book group once, just asking whether people had good ways to manage their money as I was looking for advice. It didn't go down that well. I would like more honestly and transparency about money. I wonder whether this will come as we get closer to retirement as almost nobody in my circle of friends is on track for an affluent retirement.

At work we all know what everybody earns as we are on a shared pay scale.

Depends. Only on mn do people think that others do not!

Everyone I know discusses financial things.

The irony being is that it’s a massive MN thing for people to say “Nobody I know does this”, as if this somehow translates to “This absolutely never happens”.

I wonder if it is people with a lot of money who tend not to talk about it?

I have a friend who worked in the financial area for a few years. She knows a lot about bank accounts, savings, investments, mortgages ect and she has some understanding of the tax and benefits system also. She has given me advice and told me who to chat re getting more information or where to buy certain products or things from.
I know that she would do the same for other people if they asked her. When she worked in the financial area she could not disclose personal information and she still is like this.

Some of my friends will chat about money to me and other friends won't.

A few years ago one of my friends was getting benefits due to a child with special needs and her husband was unemployed at the same time. She did some cash in hand work back then. Her husband got a job and things have gotten better for them since then.
I know she is planning to go back to work when her child is a bit older.

I know another couple who moved into a big family home in a nice area. They never told people that they got a large sum of money from one set of parents to do this. Their mortgage is about 60% of the houses value due to this lump sum and rising house prices. Both of them have good jobs. He is a really mean individual and she is always complaining about the cost of childcare and bills. Both of them have good jobs. As my friend said that knows both them they were never short of money or waiting on a benefits payment like some of us.

I think for people chatting about money it depends on their age and own particular circumstances. If your friends have a similar financial position to you it can be easier to talk about things or find out what worked for them to make money go further.
Then you need to be aware that if your friends circumstances are not as good as yours not talk about money unless they ask you a money question.
A broke friend does not want to hear about your wonderful holiday when they can't afford one.

My best friend of many years now is really struggling. I make sure I never mention money and only wish I could win the lottery and buy her the house she deserves
It won't happen, but I really would help people out. It's hard for many and it's sad how money really rules our lives ;(

My MIL asks people outright. I know this because she then informs me, even though I don't actually want to know. I could tell you the cost of her friend's new kitchen, the ins and outs of other relatives' mortgages etc. As a consequence, we play our cards very close to our chest about our circumstances as we know it will be shared. It drives her mad that she doesn't know much about us!

I've wondered this too recently. On one thread the mother knew all about her son in laws income. And was complaining.

I asked her how she knew, because most mother in laws wouldn't know this information.

She teared right into me. Was really nasty! 😭🤣

Incidentally none of my friends, their husbands or my family. Or DHs family talk about income.

I like it that way.

Why on earth would people assume you have a mortgage after 30 years? Is this not you assuming that they assume?

happy to discuss finances with family friends or neighbors. i worked public sector and yes my annual income was published. happy to chat about what i've learned along the way.

Hahaha. I actually do own a couple ponies. But not in the posh way 🤣 manky natives in a field. Aye folk here don’t have the most regular income. There isn’t really any work for anyone with a further education so most folk will struggle more than others. It’s been a good few years since I’ve been on my arse but it’s not something you forget. I also live where I grew up so we’re used to talking about everything warts and all

it's by talking to your buddies that you find out which bank is offering the better deal and has the better customer service. it's by talking to your colleagues that you find out a costco membership is worthwhile or not. it's by talking to your neighbors that you find out that you should be paying less home insurance because you have a fire hydrant across the street. these are all financial discussions which are empowering. and if you say that 1K a year on home insurance is a steep price because your income is only 50K a year really the sky will not fall by disclosing this and i'm not going to report their income to the revenue agency. talking about money and income is healthy.

Actually, the best way to find out which bank is offering the best deal is by going online. No matter how big your friendship group, you're not going to have covered all the mortgage or savings products available.

Costco amd fire hydrants, fair enough!

I know about MIL finances because we were trying to help her make some savings and I will be helping her claim pension credit.

I know how much in savings two friends have because they told me, I did not share back. I also know how much a few people earn because again they have told me and again I have not shared back.

I am fine talking about financial products.money saving tips etc but I have never discussed my actual income or assets mainly because I do not want to be approached for a loan.

Exactly. I live in a terraced house with a middle leader salary. I'm a single parent with two teenagers still at home but I'm also mortgage free and have a 7 figure sum invested. One slight giveaway is a 100k car on the drive but other than that, it would be hard to make an accurate assumption. My take home pay is less than the interest I make on my savings.

It’s hard for people to guess accurately if -for example- you’re “an accountant” (could be £30k for a part time bookkeeper or £3m for BoE director). So if they’re interested they’ll think of your lifestyle, house, car, and guess from that. I don’t share financial info with many people at all. I don’t like the idea that ££ would affect who wants to know me. For some people it does.

I think you’d have to agree that you are quite the anomaly though.

YANBU, I have no idea what my family and friends earn or how much their mortgages or rent are. I wouldn't even think to ask. Obviously I can make an educated guess based on what jobs they do but I don't know specifics.

Yes, most people don't have £1m+ casually stashed away!