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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how everyone knows so much about others' finances?

128 replies

bluegreygreen · 15/10/2022 10:35

Lots of threads on here at the moment about money issues, as you might expect.

What has surprised me is how many people seem to know so much about their friends'/families' finances.

I have read threads comparing OP's rent to the neighbours' mortgage payment, and others complaining about friends or siblings being helped out financially because they 'earn x amount per month' or 'their outgoings are only y'.

I have never spoken to anyone other than my husband and the bank about our mortgage payment. I don't know what my neighbours earn. Is this unusual?

OP posts:
TedMullins · 15/10/2022 13:29

My friends and I are all very open about our salaries, rent and mortgage payments, and freelance rates for the kind of work we do. Same with my parents, I can discuss it very openly. I don’t see why we shouldn’t. Money is a necessity and being coy about it only serves to keep disadvantaged people at a disadvantage - it’s well known that a lack of salary transparency can lead women to being underpaid because they’re less likely than men to ask for more. I’d tell anyone who asked what I earn or what my mortgage is

Original poster
bluegreygreen · 15/10/2022 13:33

ArticSkewer I'm 51 - is that 'older'?

OP posts:
Jessiesthedog · 15/10/2022 13:33

Two of my neighbours are very open about their financial situations but not in terms of kind of numbers. They both lament to me quite regularly about how they’ve got no money 🤣
but equally they both bought their house is a very very long time ago so compare to what I paid for mine I think they can sit back down.

Zipps · 15/10/2022 13:37

I roughly could guess the net worth of some people close to us. I find money and personal finance interesting. It's also a large part of my job.
I like investing money and ask people I know that also take interest/ invest themselves, their opinions.
Money is such a secret in this country and I don't think it helps anyone. There are a lot of emotions around money including jealousy, even with people close by which is why we keep a lot of our finances private.

ArcticSkewer · 15/10/2022 13:40

bluegreygreen · 15/10/2022 13:33

ArticSkewer I'm 51 - is that 'older'?

Yes, I think so.
Looking at people I know, I can see how a lot of people in their 50s don't share this info, people in their 30s and below are open, and 40s is a bit of a mix.

3WildOnes · 15/10/2022 13:42

I know quite a lot of my closest 5 friends financial details. Quite a few have told me how much they earn, how much their husbands earn, how much their mortgages are, how much their fuel bills are, how much their nursery places cost, how much their school fees are etc. We are all early to mid thirties.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 15/10/2022 13:49

My friends freely tell me how much they earn, how much their partners earn, how much their parents helped with their house deposit or wedding, how much their mortgages are, wedding cost, car finance holidays etc. Some in just an oversharing sort of way, or worried about rising costs.

However one boasts about how much they earn 🙄. One says that she doesn't understand how I afford to live on my salary 🙄 (we both work in the NHS so she knows my payscale and she's two bands above me). I'd quite like to be able to cut them out, but have mutual friends so it's tricky.

ConsuelaHammock · 15/10/2022 13:50

People talk ? I don’t share my financial situation with anyone other than my dh.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 15/10/2022 13:52

@TedMullins

"I’d tell anyone who asked what I earn or what my mortgage is"

Out of interest, would you tell people if you had paid your mortgage off?

I think it's tricky to talk about money openly if you have more than other people. It can come across as boasting, moaning about your lot when you're in a better position than others, or make other people jealous.

AloysiusBear · 15/10/2022 14:00

Lots of jobs like teaching, nursing etc are public sector bands that are published.

My job was publicly advertised with a relatively small salary range, any of my friends with the wherewithal to google it could predict my earnings fairly accurately. Lots of jobs are like that.

Some of my friends say openly what they earn. I'm happy to tell anyone my pay who asks - pay secrecy only benefits employers.

People also say things that indicate roughly where they sit. A friend made a comment about losing CB due to her husbands earnings - that threshold is a publically know, easy to find out amount. Another friend once commented she was reducing her days at work because the take home pay for the 5th day was exactly the same as the daily nursery fee. The daily nursery fee is on the website.

the80sweregreat · 15/10/2022 14:02

People assume we still have a mortgage , but after 30 years it's finally paid up.

Hellosunshine1993 · 15/10/2022 14:17

I don’t discuss my finances with anyone other than DP because I don’t trust other people not to talk. its nobody else’s business - I’ve been in too many situations when others are divulging other peoples finances as if it’s for them to discuss.

PollyEsther · 15/10/2022 14:29

I know my neighbour's mortgage payment because we witnesses their remortgage papers for them! Grin
I also know their posher newer car is a company car, because they told us.

BUT - I know absolutely nothing else about their finances. Zilch. Nada. Anything else is assumption.

Unless they're doing their accountancy for them, or have been told specifically, it's the same for every other poster. Assumption.

TedMullins · 15/10/2022 14:35

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 15/10/2022 13:52

@TedMullins

"I’d tell anyone who asked what I earn or what my mortgage is"

Out of interest, would you tell people if you had paid your mortgage off?

I think it's tricky to talk about money openly if you have more than other people. It can come across as boasting, moaning about your lot when you're in a better position than others, or make other people jealous.

I’m about 30 years away from paying my mortgage off but yes, I can’t imagine why I wouldn’t be honest about that. If I happened to have a windfall in the meantime that would pay it off then yes I would tell people. That’s the kind of thing my friends and I discuss. I know someone who’s very open about the fact her grandparents bought her flat for her outright.

HRD2be · 15/10/2022 14:40

I actually think people should talk about money more, particularly women. Some reasons why:

a) it makes it harder for companies to pay women less

b) it may encourage women to go back to the workplace if they know what salary progression is available post pre-school childcare strains.

c) it would manage expectations of young people going into work about what a 'normal' salary is

d) it might stop some of the 'keeping up with the Joneses' if people knew that their peers were drowning in credit card debt

ChilliBandit · 15/10/2022 14:43

HRD2be · 15/10/2022 14:40

I actually think people should talk about money more, particularly women. Some reasons why:

a) it makes it harder for companies to pay women less

b) it may encourage women to go back to the workplace if they know what salary progression is available post pre-school childcare strains.

c) it would manage expectations of young people going into work about what a 'normal' salary is

d) it might stop some of the 'keeping up with the Joneses' if people knew that their peers were drowning in credit card debt

Completely agree with all of this.

YukoandHiro · 15/10/2022 14:48

If you know what jobs your neighbours/friends do and you also know where they live and when they bought their house, it's really not hard to work it out is it?

YukoandHiro · 15/10/2022 14:49

(Obviously that doesn't include variables like hidden inheritance/family money)

Fairislefandango · 15/10/2022 14:50

Well it's presumably one of 3 things 1. assumption 2. Snooping 3. Their neighbours/family have actually told them.

I'm not particularly given to talking about money, but neither would it occur to me to be cagey about salary, house price, mortgage amount etc if it came up in conversation, because I don't have gossipy, mean family or friends. I'm a teacher in a state school, so anyone I vaguely know could hazard a pretty good guess at my exact salary, based on my age/how long I've been a teacher.

worriedatthistime · 15/10/2022 14:50

@PollyEsther its not assumption if people tell each other and I know many that do and others on this thread have said the same

PollyEsther · 15/10/2022 15:09

worriedatthistime · 15/10/2022 14:50

@PollyEsther its not assumption if people tell each other and I know many that do and others on this thread have said the same

I literally said "or have been told specifically..."

thejadefish · 15/10/2022 15:18

Wages, no but I've discussed the housing market and the rental market with friends and they've volunteered the info (e.g. a friend had to move because LL wanted the house back so I asked what the rental market was like at the moment-they said that a 3 bed costs roughly £× pcm but they managed to find one for £y pcm). I wouldn't directly ask about finances because I think it's none of my business but if I was burning with curiosity I might google the average wage for what they do, but that would only give a rough idea obvs I wouldn't take it as gospel!

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 15/10/2022 15:21

DH and I don’t discuss our finances with anyone. My mum is always badgering me as she wants to know what we earn, so I just tell her we’re not discussing it.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 15/10/2022 15:34

Some of my close friends know what I earn (assuming they remember) as I was offered a new job last year and I discussed with them whether to take it or not, as I was very much in two minds. However, I doubt any of them know how much I pay in mortgage costs, because why would I ever tell them?

What I really don’t get are the (often quite snobbish) threads on here from people saying “But how can my neighbours afford to live here?! I KNOW she doesn’t work, and I know he can’t possibly earn what my DH does, and they’re younger than us, so howwww?!” I couldn’t tell you if my neighbours are lottery winners or on the breadline. Either way, I don’t get in a strop that they can afford to live in the same street even though they might earn less than me.

notacooldad · 15/10/2022 15:38

My close friend is on the same pay grade as me and she has openly talked to me about how much she has left on her mortgage/overpayments savings etc.
Our other friend talks about how much her mortgage is her spousal maintenance and her earnings.
Both ds talk to us about their money.
I dont think anyone cares about my finances!