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Original poster

DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

508 replies

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:16

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

OP posts:
Asperia · 17/10/2022 14:14

YDBear · 17/10/2022 13:19

You have to be careful when searching if you know little about leasehold on London flats.. You need to negotiate a lease extension before the lease length falls under 80 years. While it’s above 80 years there is a formula to work out the cost and it’s pretty straightforward. Below 80 years and you are at the mercy of the freeholder and it can be three times as much. I say this because while he could find somewhere in his desired area at his price point, it will probably be on a short (under 80 year) lease. If he wants to leave it to his kids there’s a big extra expense in lease renewal to be able to do that. Below 65 years and it becomes unmortgagable.
Basically 3-beds in Bloomsbury, Fitzrovia, Soho, Covent Garden with a decent lease length will be at least 1.3-1.5 million.
If you have 1 million you can get two beds and about 70 square meters in this area. There are two flats above me (I live 5 minutes from Oxford Circus) for sale right now, about 67 square meters, for 800,000 each but they are in the eaves of a 1902 block and have compromised head hights in places, otherwise they would be 1 million each. Saw a nice 2-bed on Cambridge Circus last week for 850,000, I thought it was a bargain. Anyway, my point is for £1 million you can get a nice two-bed flat with a decent lease length, very central. You won’t get a third bedroom, you won’t get any garden (but you wouldn’t move to the West End for a garden anyway). You might get a balcony/rooftop recreational area, but if you do you probably won’t get a lift, so,
depending on your age, you might wonder how many flights of stairs you want to climb.
Also, if you have a car you need to find out about residents’ parking eligibility—Westminster (Fitzrovia, Soho, Marylebone, Mayfair) is far more generous about this than car-hating Camden (Fitzrovia east of Charlotte St, Bloomsbury) where resident’s parking (the permit, not the spaces) seems unobtainable these days.

Show quote history

A possibility (though expensive) is to get a season ticket at a nearby NCP. We live in the City and are going to do that.

Fastandlupine · 17/10/2022 14:15

Or just get rid of your car, you don't need one in central London

Fastandlupine · 17/10/2022 14:18

Ydbear, camden are obviously doing the very wise thing and discouraging residents from driving

gourmetperle · 17/10/2022 14:18

Just had a quick Google (admittedly a quick one) and most of the flats I found in Mayfair- 1 bedrooms flats - are over a million. Maybe u could use that to dissuade him?

BuryingAcorns · 17/10/2022 14:37

Well I just found two 1-beds in Pimlico both about 5 mins walk from parliament for £350k and I bloody want onbe of them.They are only pied-a-terres, not properhomes. But still.

YDBear · 17/10/2022 14:53

Fastandlupine · 17/10/2022 14:15

Or just get rid of your car, you don't need one in central London

Obviously you don’t live in central London. There seems to be this strange assumption by people who don’t know what they are talking about that, if you live in central London, you never want/need to leave it for any reason.
While it’s true you don’t need a car within central London itself to move around (who can afford the parking outside of their residential zone, anyway?) you might need a car to—dare I suggest?—go other places, where perhaps public transport is this/slow/non-existent. Or even to do basic stuff like a weekly big shop (to do which I usually get in the car and drive to Wembley).
Now you are going to ask why not use carshare schemes? If you have an old small car, (therefore little depreciation and unlikely to be nicked so cheap to insure) and you use it once a week, insurance, MOT, tax and £150 for an annual residents’ parking permit (in Westminster), still comes out cheaper than using Zipcar or its competitors.
As for Camden or at least the central London Zone 1 part of it, it’s simple: don’t buy a flat there unless you are prepared to go without a car. If not, stay in Westminster. This is why I live west, not east of Cleveland Street.

Fastandlupine · 17/10/2022 15:20

Ydbear, oh I do know exactly what i am talking about- I used to live in Central London without a car and now I visit my friends who live there without a car. I/they use trains, bikes, have their shopping delivered. No need for a car - if you are able bodied which it seems you are.

Noviembre · 17/10/2022 15:24

If he wants to go and lives in a shitty London bedsit like a teenager he can go on his own. You have your own life and you live it how you want. His idea is utterly stupid but he's free to do it alone.

Tell him he can fuck off and enjoy his weird attempt to reclaim his youth in his own.

FlamencoDance · 17/10/2022 15:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

ancientgran · 17/10/2022 15:32

Noviembre · 17/10/2022 15:24

If he wants to go and lives in a shitty London bedsit like a teenager he can go on his own. You have your own life and you live it how you want. His idea is utterly stupid but he's free to do it alone.

Tell him he can fuck off and enjoy his weird attempt to reclaim his youth in his own.

Why would he live in a shitty bedsit? They have a budget of £1m so presumably they'd have to split it and she'd get half and so would he. Presumably even in London you can get more than a shitty bedsit for £500k.

Of course she will have to move because with the kids grown up she can't expect to keep the family home so there will be changes for both.

Xenia · 17/10/2022 15:36

For your family I think a studio in London whilst keeping the family house might be the answer and then the husband can ship off there when he wants to experience London and there is a base if one of the child is working in London. My 5 children all came back after university for a few years and even today I have 2 working from home all day in my house so in our case I am glad the family house is still here.

Justbefair · 17/10/2022 16:40

A lot will have changed over 18 years, is he yearning for the past to be the same? Answer is sadly it won't be, all of the great memories happened then and it could possibly be a regret. We have changed, the area and people will have changed. At this time of life i personally wouldn't want to move from where I had built up my new life unless it was somewhere abroad maybe. X

Crikeyalmighty · 17/10/2022 17:30

Another option OP is draw down say £20k on your house and let him rent a central studio flat for a year - he can then do a bit of toing and froing and go for weekends and see how you both feel without having burnt bridges or put all your money into another flat

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/10/2022 18:03

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:32

Do you think relocating when you don't want to to please a partner would be ok - would you be able to make peace with it?

Even the nice (v expensive) areas are snarled up with traffic and a totally different lifestyle to where we are now.

That's what he did when he moved out of London.
Marriage is about compromise, you can't expect to have it your way all the time.

If he's a city boy then of course it was a sacrifice for him to do for the kids.

Kids are older now and if they want yo settle where you are later in life, that's their choice.

AJ65 · 17/10/2022 20:43

For what it's worth, I haven't known a couple that wanted to live in different places that have stayed together. One couple raised their 3 kids in the suburbs, he wanted to move to central London, but she didn't; they're divorced now. Another couple moved from town to the country because that's what she'd always wanted, divorced, they're both back in town. I moved to Oregon with my soon-to-be ex-husband to be on the West Coast, turns out he really wanted to move to California, so now he's there and I'm still in Oregon.
Plus, if he feels he somehow lost out by living in the Home Counties while you raised your kids, he's already feeding a healthy resentment.

LeMoo · 17/10/2022 23:00

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/10/2022 18:03

That's what he did when he moved out of London.
Marriage is about compromise, you can't expect to have it your way all the time.

If he's a city boy then of course it was a sacrifice for him to do for the kids.

Kids are older now and if they want yo settle where you are later in life, that's their choice.

Show quote history

Well, no, he didnt compromise for his wife in moving out of London - not like youre suggesting. They made a joint decision to raise their children in the suburbs based on schools and quality of life etc, if you read her posts you see he was as much the driver for that decision as her.

This isnt a tit for tat / your turn, my turn situation.

oviraptor21 · 18/10/2022 00:20

Xenia · 17/10/2022 15:36

For your family I think a studio in London whilst keeping the family house might be the answer and then the husband can ship off there when he wants to experience London and there is a base if one of the child is working in London. My 5 children all came back after university for a few years and even today I have 2 working from home all day in my house so in our case I am glad the family house is still here.

This.
Two of the three that left are now back, after spells working/studying in other cities.
When I left home my DP downsized so there wasn't any space for me to come back to. So I wasn't able to visit for more than a day and therefore didn't and still don't see them as much as would have been likely if there had been a bed to sleep in then.

ProseccoOnSafari · 18/10/2022 06:38

Don’t do it! Stay where you are happy and comfy. The “kids” will be glad to come back home whenever they can. Your hubby isn’t being realistic and is yearning for a life long gone. London today is very different to the London he knew when he was younger and it is much more expensive. If he can afford to rent out a little pad, let him do so but I would keep my roots firmly where I’m happy. You will highly likely get resentful if you do move and start to miss your old life. As we get older we need to prioritise our comfort and happiness.

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 07:50

I don’t even recognise London these days! I see it through the eyes of DS so I can still see the buzz and excitement - but that’s anywhere when you are late teens isn’t it?

I now find irritating and busy. The places I hung out as a student are all gender free loos, non binary noodles, and charity drag acts for fishy folk. Women don’t feel welcome in a lot of those places now.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/10/2022 08:53

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 07:50

I don’t even recognise London these days! I see it through the eyes of DS so I can still see the buzz and excitement - but that’s anywhere when you are late teens isn’t it?

I now find irritating and busy. The places I hung out as a student are all gender free loos, non binary noodles, and charity drag acts for fishy folk. Women don’t feel welcome in a lot of those places now.

Gosh - where’s this in London?!!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/10/2022 08:53

< I mean tbe gender free noodles eyc >

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 09:00

Wagamama’s. The Vauxhall tavern. Southbank. Barbican.

astoundedgoat · 18/10/2022 09:05

I'm very much on team DH.

It's madness to stay where when the kids leave BECAUSE of the kids. I promise you that you will see a lot more of them when Mummy and Daddy have a spare bedroom in Canonbury!

I do appreciate the network of friends thing though. DH and I have talked about it because I said I would like to leave the nice but dull place we live when the kids go to uni and he pointed out that our friendship circle is very important and valuable (which is true) and that we would be happier in the long term with some kind of compromise, so I have my plan to buy a flat in my favourite city and split my time more between there and here when the time comes.

To be honest, at 30 mins door to door, would you really be cutting yourself off from your local friends so much? If it's that close, couldn't you see them most weeks even if you were living in a gorgeous flat in central London?

I also think that in old old age a big city is better for entertainment, company, mobility and care. Everything is on your doorstep from a pint of milk, to galleries and theatres (or whatever you're into) to proper hospitals.

Benjispruce4 · 18/10/2022 09:08

He has to try it out for a period. London has changed so he needs to be sure before making such a leap. Most people would be doing it the other way round. He’s very lucky to live in a comfortable home with easy access to the bright lights.

astoundedgoat · 18/10/2022 09:10

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 07:50

I don’t even recognise London these days! I see it through the eyes of DS so I can still see the buzz and excitement - but that’s anywhere when you are late teens isn’t it?

I now find irritating and busy. The places I hung out as a student are all gender free loos, non binary noodles, and charity drag acts for fishy folk. Women don’t feel welcome in a lot of those places now.

But the things that made them cool to YOU at 19 were equally unrecognisable and alienating to your parents! At least they were to mine when I was 19, and I definitely don't want to be in that place now. If you're not horrifying your parents at that age, you're doing it wrong.

If I was 55 with grown up and gone children, and a great flat in London, my time would be spent in cafes, galleries, cheap theatre/opera/ballet tickets so I could go out to things at least twice a week, the V&A members room, the Horniman museum, weird little wine bars, organising/attending cool literary events etc.

I doubt I would encounter many non-binary noodles along the way, although I'm sure I would be rolling my eyes at whatever my children and then grandchildren think is cool by then.