DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

Here are some 3 bedroom flats in Paddington. You're going to need more money, remembering that your stamp duty will be a six figure sum on its own. www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/Paddington/3-bed-flats.html

I don’t blame him. We’re thinking of moving from London for the kids - and I’m already planning when we can move back 😂

No it won’t. It’s £41k on a £1 million property. That’s nowhere near six figures.

Just saw this as I only glanced at replies earlier

im amazed by this comment. The traffic is not mid 90s at all. I think it depends how you measure but buses feel unusable due to the cycle lanes and chunks of road lost to other things. Add in 20mph and it all feels very anti car and anti bus. I can only dream of my driving days in London back in the mid 90s.

I'd check out flats with a realistic budget if I were you, might scare him into realising how little he can get for the money.

Totally agree!! Driving is so painful now. Buses aren't much better. Even cycling has got slower due to the congestion.

I’ve not long moved back to zone 1 (back into my childhood home to look after ailing parents) and I hate it. It noisy, dirty and busy. Now they’ve turned Big Ben back on I am woken regularly. I don’t know how I slept as a child. Yes I can walk everywhere, which I only do because I can’t park my car anywhere and public transport is heaving but it seems everyone in the world does too. I must be in so many tourist pictures with a face like a smacked arse as I just want to get home and they want to take up the pavement to get the perfect picture in front of Big Ben/London eye/Whitehall. Given that you’re currently only 25 minutes from Marylebone where you are now I would resist your dh’s midlife crisis. London is different now. Visit. Don’t live here unless you need to.

On the driving point OP
as well as buses, worth remembering that if anyone is ill or has mobility issues, that comes into play too

my parents had a few health problems and even taxi drop off points for hospitals are awful sometimes

I see lots of hale and hearty 80+ people on public transport but my mum is too frail for it. I now have to plan journeys around my health issues, main one being vertigo and I’m only flipping 46.

i see a pp suggested a club. That’s one idea but not sure how much they discount accommodation.

I realise what a tough spot this is but just think it’s really important to factor in what might go wrong. Also, is your DH definitely going to take advantage of central London offerings say, three times a week? Or is he likely to lapse into staying at home a lot? Even if he likes to go to cafes every day, that’s not a reason to move.

I think you have to be a real lover of central London to make the move and the cost worth it.

I do get it, my dad thought the world began and ended with London. He came as an immigrant and his devotion was indescribable. I thought I’d be the same and am surprised to find I’m not.

there’s got to be a compromise in there somewhere. Arguably, I’ve sort of made it - desperate to leave but stayed for elderly folks. But I suppose the difference is, in theory, I’ll be able to leave in future.

I’m having visions of a miserable-looking local in peoples’ holiday photos now. 🤣🤣

@EmmaH2022

On the hospital front, London has the highest concentration of top healthcare in the country. So if you’re ill you’re in the right place.

Why is a desire to move home being spun as a midlife crisis?

Why should OP’s desire not to move trump her DH’s? Of course you can argue it the other way but both perspectives are equally valid and neither strike me as born of ‘crisis’.

Iris "Why is a desire to move home being spun as a midlife crisis?"

I'm baffled by that too.

I’m not sure how any of this would be any better if they weren’t in London. They would still be too frail for buses elsewhere, still Tom old to drive themselves to hospital so reliant on taxis.

The difference is, in London there are loads of world class hospitals on your doorstep and loads of taxis. It sounds to me like they’re in exactly the right place.

It’s because he’s a man.

Women’s wants are reasonable, vital, and deserving of consideration.

Men’s are laughable, trivial and dismissable.

No it won’t. It’s £41k on a £1 million property. That’s nowhere near six figures.

We looked at flats around £1.2-£1.3 million in central London a few months ago and our stamp duty was near six figures, if not six figures.

The rates ramp up to 10% on the portion above £925,000. Plus another 3% if it's a second home and you don't sell your existing home within three years.

I can't remember the exact amount but I'm pretty sure it was around £80-100k.

There's no need to drive in Central London, driving is made difficult for a reason, walk cycle, bus, tube, scoot. It should be car free

Because it's easy to invalidate a man's desires by claiming a MLC apparently. Not women. Women are apparently always reasonable

So many posters saying OP should move to London because they personally would love it. OP doesn't want to! And he didn't move to their current location because she made him, it was a joint decision. You are so close to London anyway it seems pointless to go through all the expense of moving for some imaginary vision that he might not actuaenjoy after years living outside the city.

If your DC have only just gone to universities will need space to come home for holidays anyway. Many DC also live with their parents after university as housing is so expensive.

This seems like a good compromise. Otoh I think it is unfair to get rid of your children's home when they aren't quite fully fledged yet. Starting Uni definitely doesn't count as left home.

If they're old enough to go to uni they're old enough to accept their parents moving house. It's just a house, why be so sentimental?

Because their (the children's) whole lives are in their home town. If the parents move away, what do they do in Uni holidays or when they first graduate? My DD has been home from University for 3 months - she has had countless social things with "friends from home" in this time.

I think OP's dh should wait a few more years and give everyone time to adjust to it.

Yikes this is a hard one
I'm a bit confused by his reasoning though. I'm presuming you're at least in your 40's maybe more and can't see the attraction of a busy city at that age.

The nearest bigger city to me is only Cardiff and I can't bare it

One reason we moved to Bath was that it still had a London lifestyle 'feel' with good shopping, cafes, parks, students, lots of festivals, lovely old buildings - but on a nice smaller scale- and whilst still expensive you can still get a very nice home for way less than London. Around £700k will buy you a good 3-4 four bedder in a nice part of town £380,000 a decent flat with garden or a cottage on edge of town.

Someone once said to me be careful you aren't paying for a lifestyle that you aren't actually having and that can easily be the case in inner London if you aren't 'going to stuff' an awful lot. If it's work, shopping, TV, staying in- you can do that in other places too at far less cost. If it's having friends on tap, on the doorstep though, that's worth a lot - but as I discovered those friends often turn out to be a bit fairweather or at different stages themselves.

Hence I've discovered what suits me is a 'mid size' Uni type place with good facilities, good hospital, good doctors, nice shopping, nice cafes and bars, decent buses (I don't drive) and nice countryside really close plus on a good rail connection. That's why places like Bath, Guildford , winchester work for me and I will pay for that priviledge (we rent) and compromise on other stuff.

I know the other lovely Home Counties places well (places like Marlow, henley, beaconsfield, gerrards cross) and whilst really nice for me I would find the lack of a bit of a vibe on the doorstep a bit dull- but totally appreciate it suits others. So if he's like me, I kind of see his point but if you were going for a true compromise, then maybe neither option is right for you but somewhere like Kingston or Guildford or Hove would be.

It’s £41k on a £1 million property. I ran it through the calculator. The amount on prices in excess of that is irrelevant. @GoutFine only has £1 million to spend.

He suggested getting a flat big enough for the children to stay in when they’re home from uni though. If they’re currently 25 mins from Marylebone the kids could still visit their “home friends”. I’d have loved it if my parents did this, I could wait to get out of my hometown!