Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

It’s unfortunate your friend reacted this way!

you should have given her notice about you're sleeping requirements and not to allocate you the sofa bed and you could have waited for her to return from sightseeing to sort things out.

regardless the reaction is over the top and sad.

To me, it would be the end of my friendship or distances myself from her.

Enjoy the last few days of the holiday! There not much else you can do!

I think this friendship is done. You were nice to apologise, well done. She would need to grovel in order to completely restore a friendship I think.
I wonder if your friendship will naturally go in different directions now anyway. It may be a natural end after this.

Missing the point, much? The OP, when she realised she was landed with a sofa-bed in communal space, decided she'd be better off in a different hotel and arranged and paid for it herself, without asking BG for help to go elsewhere or for a refund for the sofa-bed. That is no reason for the BG to ban OP and F from the celebrations, and why some people are concentrating on OP not wanting to sleep on the sofa-bed, and F not wanting to sleep in the dorm, rather than the extraordinarily unpleasant behaviour of the BG in the circumstances, completely escapes me!

You should move on and have a nice little break. Is the gift in question, something that can be consumed? If so, have at it , enjoy it. And if she wants to have a chat and clear things out when you return, listen to what she has to say, say your piece. But for now, enjoy southern France 🥂

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all & frankly I don't by understand why BG is so bent out of shape by you coming up with a solution that works for everyone - if you'd been able to discuss it with her. Being uninvited upon arrival at a destination BD, IMO, is childish & churlish! That was your main query & that's my view... Could you have done things differently/better? As they say, hindsight is 2020!

Hopefully you & BG can make up to one another & both move forward in friendship & wisdom. Best of luck with baby x

That is no reason for the BG to ban OP and F from the celebrations

Not only the celebrations, but demanding that she and F not go out on their own in the locale they've travelled to at great expense. She's a fucking bitch.

I think you could have given her a heads up you were moving so she didn't get a surprise in front of the group. If you didnt mention it before you moved, it probably looked a bit passive aggressive which is probs why shes irritated I personally wouldn't be that bothered about the living room but I'm usually up late.

After reading your original post, all the comments, and your responses, you seem a thoroughly reasonable person to Me. You answered questions thoughtfully, and admitted you were probably at fault in some instances. You handled the situation as best you could given the BG’s absence, and I wonder if some of her friends have been mischief making - this could cause her to have a hissy fit, if she felt you were being unreasonable. You also showed you were the bigger person by sending an apology. To be honest, I don’t think you have much to be sorry about. You proved you were a good friend by going. To me she is still the unreasonable one. I’d leave your apology as is, but find less dramatic, drama queens to befriend. Leave the whole incident and the BG in the f*ckit bucket. Good luck with the pregnancy, and try to keep stress free, so don’t take any negativity on this post to heart!

Sounds like the birthday girl lost the run of herself a bit and has been a tiresome diva over this whole situation. The idea of compelling people to travel and spend time and money on celebrating her big occasion and then refusing them entry to the main event is off the charts obnoxious. Maybe she felt insecure about whether you actually wanted to be there, hence the invitation to after-dinner drinks?

She may have felt rebuked for not sorting out the sleeping arrangements in a more considerate way, but the idea of going to a party where everyone sleeps in dorms or on a sofa in the middle of the living room as if you're on a teen sleepover while birthday girl gets a proper room is so strange I think - as if she's queen for the weekend and you're all her acolytes/serfs.

Maybe if the OP had asked about the sleeping arrangements in more detail at the start BG would have realised the sofa bed was a no-no, but tbh banning someone from the party which is the main reason they've travelled there is completely OTT.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and I hope BG makes a massive apology to you at some stage. I imagine they'll be too ashamed though.

Well done for apologising.

Good luck to you and your friend

It’s hard to believe that you were surprised to get the sofa bed when you weren’t there on the first night and were the last to arrive. In most cases, the last to arrive will get the worst bed.

I think beyond a certain age, everyone really wants their own rooms, so it would have been better to ask her in advance to book somewhere that allowed for that.

I think her reaction is over the top-probably due to not the best communication from both of you.

I think you should pay her back your share of the house as you are costing her more otherwise and you didn’t make your preference clear at the appropriate time (before the house was booked).

I think your friendship could recover in the future, but only if you two improve your communication.

You have every right to be annoyed! Honestly if I’d spent considerable time then effort and money to get to her ‘do’ to then be told not to come to the actual event I don’t know if I could find a way back from that. Ok she doesn’t know you’re pregnant and that you weren’t happy with the sofa (as I wouldn’t be) but as long as you sorted your alternative arrangement she has lost nothing. It’s the whole uninviting thing I’d be so annoyed at, don’t know what excuse she could come up with really?
Good luck with the pregnancy. I had a mmc at 14 weeks with my third, I was heartbroken, I still think of it now. I went on to have 2 more though and no more miscarriages. Next pregnancies weren’t quite the same but we paid for an early scan at around 8-9 weeks which certainly helped. Take care.

I'd go a bit further back as to when the villa was booked, why was it not made clear where you would sleep especially if BG knew that you were a light sleeper? The sleeping arrangements should have been made clear at that time. I think that it's more on BG than you as she booked the villa but without checking how you felt about the arrangements. But, you should have checked too. Having said that, you made other arrangements because the ones that were in place weren't acceptable and you wanted to make sure that you had somewhere to sleep and rest in private. You could have texted or phoned her but didn't. However, BG's reaction was that of a thoughtless selfish child. Life isn't always about what you want and BG should be aware of that. Not wanting your sleep disturbed by loud selfish drunks isn't a crime. She should have said that she was disappointed by your removal and made the time to talk to you about it. Uninviting you is something that a 5 year old may have done, not an adult. Return or sell the present but give her a card to say that you thought of her. It's a shame that BG didn't think of you.

That was a very reasonable and balanced apology and you’ve taken responsibility for what you’ve did wrong!

What she did is absolutely outrageous though and 92% seem to agree on here. Hopefully when she is back home she will reflect and be genuinely remorseful and apologise and make it up to you.

If she does not, I’d think it might be best to go your separate ways before something like this happens again in another context, because you obviously both have very different ideas on what is acceptable behaviour between friends.

It’s always good to remain civil but perhaps just relegate her from close friend to acquaintance!

Is this an apology like Kate M’s to Meghan? That kind of apology? 🤔😆 I have a feeling the feelings will fester on your side because ultimately your friendship ‘crime’ was minor whereas hers was major.

How old is she ffs. Dump her ass completely, silly little tart.

So, let’s recap… you paid your share for the villa, you weren’t comfortable in the provided bed, so you moved to another hotel room? Without even making a fuss OR asking for your money back?

And your friend is angry because… well, I’m not sure why, but it seems to be a reason that doesn’t make sense, otherwise she’d either TELL YOU or someone on this post would be able to figure it out!

Now that we have summarised what happened, I hope it’s now clear… you haven’t done anything wrong. At all.

If she was your friend, she would have understood your problem with the sofa bed. More than that: while it may be true that because you were the last to arrive, you were stuck with it, but she really should never have expected to stay in a comfortable room by herself when her guests were uncomfortable. That in itself was really thoughtless planning, and just selfish. She should be ashamed of herself that if you really couldn't sleep on the sofa bed because it was too noisy, you chose other accommodations on your own dime. What kind of a hostess is she, anyway? So, if she ever calls you, she apologize to you that you had to do that, especially after all the other expenses you incurred in going to HER party.

Sell the gift on eBay if you have to, enjoy the holiday with your friend, and chalk up your financial losses to experience.

And when you get back, don't bother to contact her, and if you don't feel like responding to any calls FROM her, then you haven't lost anything at all. It's more than she deserves to even know your phone number.

You could have handled things a little better regarding sleeping arrangements- but I really don’t think you’re at fault here.

To travel to someone’s celebration and then be told you’re excluded from it?!
That would be the end of that friendship for me tbh.

She invited you to the after drink to get the present off you.

I hope she apologises to you too. Personally she wouldn't be a friend any more either way but at least then you'd know she wasn't a complete . No way I would have slept on a sofa. And agree person on sofa should be paying less so should have been agreed in advance. You should have called or messaged her when you left, but equally she should have called you and asked what was going on rather than sent childish messages. What a child. Glad you enjoyed the rest of your trip - and you have another great friend in your life to make up for this crappy one.

As I think about this more, the angrier it makes me.

Really classy people don't invite friends to parties, weddings, etc. and then expect them to pay for ANYTHING. In my experience, the host or hostess pays for ALL FOOD AND ACCOMMODATIONS. Surprise! Some really rich people even pay for the travel expenses. Maybe she's not rich, but if not, why is she having a party in the south of France? If she couldn't afford to pay for a room for EACH and EVERY ONE of her PRECIOUS guests, who travelled all the way to her celebration at their own expense, she should have stayed home and been content with something she could afford.

Again, dump this woman and don't regret it.

Return the gift and remove her from your life. What a selfish entitled twat.

I’d be tempted to text her saying you would never dream of upsetting her on her (ahem) ‘destination birthday’ but you need your own room for medical reasons which you don’t want to talk about atm. Then explain that you took the action which you assumed would cause the least hassle and would never have deliberately done this to upset her. I wouldn’t grovel but own and explain your decision properly. I would give her another chance to rethink and then if she’s still a twat move on. I’ve been stitched up many times re accommodation abroad so I do agree with you and voted YANBU

I can’t believe that the people pleasers of MN have got you apologising for organising your own accommodation. It’s crazy.

If I organised accommodation for friends and a couple preferred to be in an Airbnb that’s absolutely fine. Some people are better sleepers than others, some people have better backs than others.

The reason you didn’t make a massive drama of it with BG was because you didn’t think it would be an issue. And if I were your friend it wouldn’t have been.

If anyone treated me the way BG treated you the last thing I would ever do would apologise - no point because she would never see me again anyway. There’s no apology that she could ever make that would undo the sociopathy of her behaviour.