Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Yes, this detail is crucial. Okay, you were aware that a sofa bed was in the mix. Were you aware that sofa bed was in the communal area before you flew? Was that stated in advance or discovered on arrival?

BG has prob got her mates whispering into her ear to bring her to the conclusion that you leaving the villa was a nasty thing to do.
I think if you had talked to her face to face alone about it before everyone else knew you were leaving, the outcome would have been very different. Her work clique prob exaggerated your reaction to the sofa bed. Some girls & boys be b*tches

I'm fussy like you about sleeping arrangements, so I don't get why you just left it to be sorted later. Next time definitely make your point that you couldn't sleep on the couch when you hear of such arrangements so you don't forget about them later. Anyway, what's done is done. I think your friend acted badly but then from her POV she told you about the sleeping arrangements and you all agreed to them, so to have people turn up and turn their noses at them would have unsettled her and make her feel awkward, but then she should have just let it go and celebrated together.

This!

Yes! I can definitely see it happening like that.

You and the friend should go to the party anyway, do not do not under any circumstances pay for anything, return the gift. Move on let her come crawling to you and then decided for friendship is worth the way she's treated you

YANBU OP, she's a very mean brat, imagine if she was the one to end up on the sofa!! how she would react?? Just try and enjoy the rest of time with F and block BG immediately

And return the gift and treat yourself instead xx

You were correct. Sometimes friends are bitches.

Your friend is not a friend. Ditch her like she has ditched you from a party that you have attended at your expensive. She sounds awful. Go for dinner tonight with your fabulous friend, have a rest them go home return the gift and block her. Good luck with the pregnancy x

i would never put anyone on a sofa bed in a lounge with such a large number of people sharing a villa, no one would want that. Just move on, you obviously have a good friend in F and BG falls well short, she’s more one of those acquaintances you meet up with in a crowd and not a true friend, time to let her fade away without falling out with her, good luck, you are a much kinder person than me I would have just ghosted her

Telling you to move on and disinviting you was incredibly unkind and nasty.
You have done the decent thing by contacting her to clear the air.
Keep or sell the present.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

I would

a) stick around the town if you want to - see no reason you shouldn't
b) wait for a call or contact when you are back in the UK (I personally wouldn't hold my breath, though...)
c) write it off as a "learning experience" as the Americans would say

This is really mean. I imagine there might be something else going on for her that's affecting how she's treating you, but that doesn't make it ok. I'd message her making clear that you'd come out all this way because you wanted to celebrate with her, express genuine sympathy that she's upset, and ask why it's upset her so much. If she's able to air whatever's really bothering her, she may be more able to realise that she's being unreasonable

I don't think you've been unreasonable OP
And F sounds a lovely friend

I think BG was a bit thoughtless and then a little bit princessy ans was mean to disinvite you to the day as you were no longer staying in the apartment she booked and expect you to pay same for without any bedroom.

Yea there could have been better communication but that was as much on BG as it was you. She's lucky you apologised but i would only have apologised there was a miscommunication and will still smart that she disinvited you from birthday celebration you travelled umpteen miles to attend. She's been a bit of a biat*h tbh

Hope you don't give her the present - keep it, you and F or find a better friend to give it to

Just read this in utter shock! It is an absolute privilege and honour to have a friend spend time and money to come away with you to celebrate an occasion of yours and for her to treat you that way when it’s no skin off her nose where you stay is vile behaviour! Hashing it out another time is not going to work as the occasion has been and gone. I would never be friends with someone so entitled and selfish tbh! Bin her right off!

I don’t understand why you are getting grief from some posters. Your friend is being unreasonable. That said, if you feel this friendship is is usually a good one, perhaps consider confiding in her about your pregnancy and swearing her to secrecy.

So you were ok with someone being on a sofa bed just as long as it wasn't you ! I'm with BG

I agree with this. She didn’t give a shit that you’d made the effort and spent the money to be there for her birthday…. Better I’d without I would say

My thoughts exactly, I’d bin birthday girl you don’t that kind of friend

It seemed quite likely you would've ended up with the sofa bed based on your OP and being the last to arrive. Obviously she doesn't know about you being pregnant, or likely you would have been priority for a comfortable bed. It was a bit much to ask you not to join for the party. Sorry OP.

Is she normally hard work? I wish people would just chill about this shit. Best laid plans and all that! You didn't want the sofa bed (how the fuck were you suppose to get to sleep with everyone in the room, anyway?) and chose to get a room somewhere without any fuss. I would have done the same! To withdrew the invite is pathetic and childish.
Oracle 'F' sounds lovely. Hope you guys had a good time regardless.

I think you were a bit naive to think that, having turned up a day later after everyone else, you weren't going to be stuck with the sofa but it sounds like you sorted it for yourself with a minimum of fuss and she is being a child about it all. Had you demanded everyone move and she pay you back, fine, but she is being an AH.

YANBU but if I knew I was going a day late and there was a sofa bed, I would have had a pretty good idea that I would have been left with it.

OP,

I think it was really big of you to apologise but I think her behaviour was beyond nasty and appalling.

She would never mean the same to me again.