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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:15

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 20:12

I have very traditional views, and guess it's from being raised that way and watching the stereotypical male and female roles work so well. I appreciate they don't for everyone. They have in my family historically, and they work for us now.

I'd expect a man to pay. I'd expect to do almost all of the household stuff and child admin. This doesn't mean I never ever put my hand in my pocket, or that DH never does the dishwasher. It just means, that by him covering most of the family expenses, my days are free from needing paid employment, and so I have the time to do the house and children. This works for us. Just because it's not everyone's ideal, doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just not for you. Same as the way a lot of 50/50 households would be our idea of a nightmare. It works for them though.

So, on a first date, I'd expect the man to pay. Not because of any long and deep thought out reasoning, just because that's how I like it. A man who wants to split the bill, isn't generally going to form the set up DH and I have. And that's the set up I feel at home with.

I don't feel that I'm "kept" I pull my weight more than enough in non financial ways, and do still contribute financially as well.

It's 2022

VladmirsPoutine · 14/10/2022 20:15

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:09

Why not?

And nobody's talking about forensically splitting 50/50.

That level of pettiness would put me off.

I would throw down roughly my half without discussion.

I honestly cannot get my head around entitled women who think they shouldn't pay their way by dint of being in possession of a vagina.

I don't get it. Have you no pride?

Show quote history

Because I simply don't want to. I am not entitled to anyone's time nor money so luckily I only date men who are on my wavelength. I said for the couples that work things out that way - good for them but it's not for me.

7Worfs · 14/10/2022 20:18

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 19:55

Jesus Christ! You can't fend for yourself and see every man as a meal ticket!

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FFS so women who don’t have good jobs shouldn’t accept date invitations?

DozyFox · 14/10/2022 20:19

I agree with you @GloriousGlory on household finances... as soon as me and my now husband moved in together, our money just became joint. It wasn't something we discussed at all, it just happened naturally. I find the idea of separating my money and his money quite difficult to imagine. If there's money in his wallet then that's also my money and vice versa. If one of us physically goes to the card machine to pay for something then that's us paying for it, not just the person who's card it is.

Anyway back to paying for dates - I'm quite amused by the suggestion that men paying for dates should expect sex in return. Firstly, I don't think any decent man thinks that way - and if I'm wrong then I certainly left behind some disappointed men in my single days!

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:25

@7Worfs and what about men that can't afford to pay for two meals, they shouldn't date?

Don't be ridiculous.

Greenight · 14/10/2022 20:26

YANBU. It’s traditional that the guy pays on the first date, same as it’s traditional that it’s the guy who proposes marriage. Of course, these traditions can be ignored, but it’s silly to pretend they don’t exist.

Given that they do exist, when the guy ignores them, that’s a bit of a turn off.

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:28

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:25

@7Worfs and what about men that can't afford to pay for two meals, they shouldn't date?

Don't be ridiculous.

Indeed.

Two graduates on minimum wage, but he has to pay, cause he has a penis.

Not one of these posters can rationally explain why the man should pay.

Realityloom · 14/10/2022 20:28

KitsyWitsy · 14/10/2022 15:14

I prefer him to pay for the entirety of the relationship. The guy I’m seeng now earns about £140k. I earn about 30k. So it’s ludicrous and unfair to expect me to pay.

i would if I was dating some on equal income though.

Do you not feel uncomfortable with not paying your way? You wouldn't do this with friends or family. Just based on principle it is wrong and 😳 embarrassing. WTAF..... who's fault is it you earn less? Pay your way at least now and again.

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 20:29

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:28

Indeed.

Two graduates on minimum wage, but he has to pay, cause he has a penis.

Not one of these posters can rationally explain why the man should pay.

Show quote history

Cos patriarchy innit :)

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:29

Greenight · 14/10/2022 20:26

YANBU. It’s traditional that the guy pays on the first date, same as it’s traditional that it’s the guy who proposes marriage. Of course, these traditions can be ignored, but it’s silly to pretend they don’t exist.

Given that they do exist, when the guy ignores them, that’s a bit of a turn off.

Wow.

It was also "traditional" that women couldn't vote or own property, but we've since evolved into functioning adults.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2022 20:33

I'd expect a man to pay. I'd expect to do almost all of the household stuff and child admin.

And since this is my idea of hell on earth, I'm back to splitting. Thank fuck.

MysteryBelle · 14/10/2022 20:35

I would prefer he paid for the first date. The reasoning, maybe subconscious, behind men paying is for future needs of marriage and family as op alluded to, that if the woman becomes pregnant and has baby, breastfeeds, needs time off work to care for the baby especially since she carried baby, gave birth (with all the possible health issues both of those things entail) and is the one breastfeeding obviously, then it makes sense to have the man provide economic contribution for the family during this time.

Have been married 26 years. Before that, I don’t think I ever paid for any dates I went on with boyfriends. They never expected me to pay. It wasn’t something that was even thought about. They certainly did not seem to mind in the least. My husband paid for all dates before we married, we both worked and he has always made a bit more than me. I worked up until I gave birth (it took many years to conceive), then took maternity leave intending to go back. My new job was much more fulfilling than the job and career I had. My husband was able to provide economic support, instead of me going back to work and using my earnings to pay for someone to take care of my son.

We’ve always had one joint account. I do all the finances because he doesn’t want to deal with it. I do our taxes, everything. His checks automatically get deposited into our account and I decide where it all goes. We check with each other if we want to make a large purchase. So I do a lot of work for our family even though I am not formally employed. I also have creative outlets etc. It’s just how you decide to divide up responsibilities. We’ve never had any problems with this system.

Now, if I’d had a career that was very important to me, or to society, or if I made more than my husband, then our roles could have been reversed. It’s really very personal to each family’s circumstances and desires.

7Worfs · 14/10/2022 20:37

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:25

@7Worfs and what about men that can't afford to pay for two meals, they shouldn't date?

Don't be ridiculous.

If they can’t afford meals out they can plan a different type of date (whoever is doing the date planning and inviting). I thought that’s fairly obvious?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 20:37

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:15

It's 2022

Show quote history

And?

Evidently, I should suddenly go and find equally paid work, put DTwins in full time childcare, which I'd hate, and DH should cook 50% of the time (even though I love to cook and he doesn't) so we're both having a miserable time...on the basis of the date. Or we could just keep to what works for us and we're very happy with. Why people have a problem because we do things our way, and we like it, is beyond me. You don't like it...don't do it. Doesn't mean yours is the only/better way. It would not work for us at all :)

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:39

@TwinsAndTiramisu

We're talking about dates, not married life.

Manekinek0 · 14/10/2022 20:44

I haven't voted because I would prefer to pay. I did this with DH and we have been happily married for over 10 years now. I don't need to be looked after, I can pay my own way and it weeds out all those men who believe in gender roles and norms. The type of men who insist they have to pay for a meal are probably the same lot who have never cleaned a toilet and claim they have to "babysit" their own children.

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:44

These threads make me laugh.

You think (for no rational reason whatsoever) that he should pay, and if he expects a contribution HE'S the miser!!

MysteryBelle · 14/10/2022 20:46

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 20:39

@TwinsAndTiramisu

We're talking about dates, not married life.

@TwinsAndTiramisu’s perspective is important and she has the right to express it. Dates and married life are connected because dating someone will give indications of how they will carry on in married life.

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 20:46

@TwinsAndTiramisu the OP was about a first date....

Nothing to do with your twins!

User135644 · 14/10/2022 20:48

RoachTheHorse · 14/10/2022 15:11

I preferred whoever does the inviting on early dates to pay. Less about male female and more about "taking someone out". Always equally happy to split too.

I've been off the dating scene for over 15 years now though so well out of the loop

The onus is usually always on men though to ask women out.

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 20:49

MysteryBelle · 14/10/2022 20:46

@TwinsAndTiramisu’s perspective is important and she has the right to express it. Dates and married life are connected because dating someone will give indications of how they will carry on in married life.

Show quote history

So if someone doesn't pay they expect the other person to look after them and support then through the rest of the relationship and be something of a free loader?

Strange that this only applies to the men and not the women.

DdraigGoch · 14/10/2022 20:50

CandyLeBonBon · 14/10/2022 15:16

Yabu. There might not be a second date and that'd be unfair.

I think that the conventional wisdom is that if you know that you won't be agreeing to a second date, you ought to split it.

User135644 · 14/10/2022 20:51

GetThatHelmetOn · 14/10/2022 15:14

I agree with you. Normally it costs the woman more to meet (from clothes to babysitting, we also earn far less by doing the same job as a man) going halves on first date just support this crazy model.

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

we also earn far less by doing the same job as a man

Is it 1970?

MysteryBelle · 14/10/2022 20:53

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 20:49

So if someone doesn't pay they expect the other person to look after them and support then through the rest of the relationship and be something of a free loader?

Strange that this only applies to the men and not the women.

Show quote history

A woman taking care of her own children, a job she’d otherwise have to pay someone else for, is not a free loader. Your misogynistic insult is offensive.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 14/10/2022 20:53

Split it. I have no interest in setting up a dynamic that panders to old fashioned values. I prefer to start relationships as I go on, on a totally equal footing

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