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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 17:04

Not at all. I have dated other men who also insist on the 50-50 thing and just find, in my experience, it corresponds to meanness with money. And usually a bit of a ‘mummy’s boy’ angle as well.

I think I’m well qualified as I’ve learned from past mistakes, learned to see ‘patterns’ of behaviour developing and how to suss a man out from the beginning.

As for being looked after, I work full time and own my own property outside of our family home. So… draw your own conclusions there.

What makes you qualified to see what a good man is out of interest?

FrippEnos · 16/10/2022 17:14

TwinsAndTiramisu · 16/10/2022 15:37

You are quite correct, I didn't :)

But to be fair, when all they can do is name call,do you expect anything less?

Show quote history

Back to trying to take the high ground again.

ambermorning · 16/10/2022 17:35

I think you get to a certain age where you can't be doing with this 'split the bill' malarkey. Even when I go out with friends or family, I'll just pay and be done.with it, unless they really insist on splitting. They can get it next time if they must. Bill splitting is all well and good when you're a student, but don't we all get a bit past that?

I think it's actually because Im the way I am that I would find a man who would accept my offer to split a bill in the first few dates a turn off. It would be like dating a teenager. Life is too short. Can't be doing with nanny-pamby men. What is the actual point?

GloriousGlory · 16/10/2022 19:27

DozyFox · 16/10/2022 17:00

Okay then. It's not a very nice thing to do either.

Ok, but it's true!

You really think that advising other women that a good man pays for the frost date etc is a good thing to say?

The PP has stated that categorically good men pay and continue to be fabulous men, she's advised mothers that if their DDs insist of paying half they're going to be with mummy's boys or cock lodgers?

You actually think they're being reasonable with the advice?

7Worfs · 16/10/2022 20:05

No one is “advising”, posters are sharing their own preferences and personal experiences.
It would have been a better discussion without insults but there you go.

5128gap · 16/10/2022 20:09

ambermorning · 16/10/2022 17:35

I think you get to a certain age where you can't be doing with this 'split the bill' malarkey. Even when I go out with friends or family, I'll just pay and be done.with it, unless they really insist on splitting. They can get it next time if they must. Bill splitting is all well and good when you're a student, but don't we all get a bit past that?

I think it's actually because Im the way I am that I would find a man who would accept my offer to split a bill in the first few dates a turn off. It would be like dating a teenager. Life is too short. Can't be doing with nanny-pamby men. What is the actual point?

Yes. This exactly. You've hit the nail on the head for me. It conjures up visions of poring over a bill, tapping the prices of the items you've had into a calculator. Telling the staff to only take so much off the one card...
Its seems so petty and penny pinching.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 16/10/2022 20:45

@DozyFox

I don't think making fun of a woman for what sounds like being financially abused by a drug addict is a particularly great way to get a feminist argument across...

100% agree. ^

@GloriousGlory

Yeah but ... You really think that advising other women that a good man pays for the first date etc is a good thing to say?'

Oh no, do not even GO there! Hmm. Trying to win the argument, by making out that making fun of a woman being financially abused by a drug addict is the same as thinking men should pay on a first date? Are you actually kidding me right now?!

Have a word with yourself! You are seriously SERIOUSLY losing the argument FAST here. And are NOT coming out of this looking good at ALL. Maybe you should start thinking before you speak on this thread. Your post from 16.27 today was seriously offensive!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 16/10/2022 20:46

@GloriousGlory

Says the person on a relationship with a drug addict for two years!

THAT post there ^ is the one I was referring to.

burnoutbabe · 16/10/2022 21:00

How would any of these other person pays cope if they realised they were gay.

Would you have 2 women sitting there waiting to be treated?? To be shows that they would be supported in life?
Nor would they just split the bill.

Also those saying "well the man asked di he should pay" again it's soo passive. When I did online dating one of the 2 of you needed to be in the one to say "hey let's meet up" and I don't think in that scenario either person is particularly the host.

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 21:02

@burnoutbabe no if I was a lesbian I would expect to take turns. The reason I feel as I do is solely because men and women are different, and it is more important that the man shows generosity initially than the woman, for reasons I have explained.

Dacadactyl · 16/10/2022 21:15

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 21:02

@burnoutbabe no if I was a lesbian I would expect to take turns. The reason I feel as I do is solely because men and women are different, and it is more important that the man shows generosity initially than the woman, for reasons I have explained.

I agree.

burnoutbabe · 16/10/2022 21:24

I suppose I never wanted kids so a man's ability to support me has never come into the calculation of what I want in a man.

Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 21:31

Dacadactyl · 16/10/2022 21:15

I agree.

Show quote history

Lol on the generosity on a first date, as said rhe willingness should be enough, if it’s not then alarm bells on rhe women…

clankist · 16/10/2022 21:35

I would judge a man if he had me pay or split the bill on a first date. It's never happened to me, I always offer to split but they always say that they will pay. This has happened on all my dates, whether I end up in a relationship with them, just shagging them or not ever seeing them again. If a guy had me split I wouldn't think he was too interested in me.

Dacadactyl · 16/10/2022 21:37

Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 21:31

Lol on the generosity on a first date, as said rhe willingness should be enough, if it’s not then alarm bells on rhe women…

Show quote history

If me expecting him to pay rang alarm bells for him, he is not the man for me.

Fuwari · 16/10/2022 21:39

5128gap · 16/10/2022 20:09

Yes. This exactly. You've hit the nail on the head for me. It conjures up visions of poring over a bill, tapping the prices of the items you've had into a calculator. Telling the staff to only take so much off the one card...
Its seems so petty and penny pinching.

Show quote history

Yes I agree with this. I’m in my 50s and also with family, friends we just roughly take turns. I always step up and pay when it’s my turn, as do others. No drama. No one being taken advantage of. So yes I expect the same behaviour from any man I meet. If he’s not like that he won’t “fit in” to my circle.

burnoutbabe · 16/10/2022 21:45

But with friends and family you know there will be turns! The man in the date and you have no idea there will be second time.

DilysDEau · 16/10/2022 21:49

@partie

To answer your question: I would expect the man to pay on the first and subsequent dates. When you say you'd "grab the seccond", do you mean you'd pay for it? I wouldn't do that. Any man who gets to buy me dinner is very lucky, and if he gets to do it more than once, he's even luckier. Grin

I wouldn't date a man who earned less than I do, either, so that would also play a role. I'm in my early 50s btw so it's probably all done differently among younger people.

I wouldn't shag on a first date, either (or even after several dates). That has never been my kind of thing, but each to their own.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 16/10/2022 22:38

To answer your question: I would expect the man to pay on the first and subsequent dates.

I wouldn't date a man who earned less than I do, either, so that would also play a role. I'm in my early 50s btw so it's probably all done differently among younger people.

It's not an age thing, it's more about different values I think. I'm late 50s and would very happily pay my way.
I not only dated but have been happily married for over 30 years to a man who always earned less than me.

ofHardey · 16/10/2022 22:58

I am of Pakistani ethnicity and it's not expected for the woman to ever pay when eating out. Whether it's a first date or a marriage (with both partners working even). So the concept of paying in a restaurant is alien to me for this reason.

My sister and I went away together recently and we almost walked out without paying a couple of times Blush

Coyoacan · 17/10/2022 02:15

ofHardey I know. My brother is Muslim and the husband is supposed to pay for all the costs of the household, while any money the wife earns is hers to do as she wishes.

Realityloom · 17/10/2022 06:38

Coyoacan · 17/10/2022 02:15

ofHardey I know. My brother is Muslim and the husband is supposed to pay for all the costs of the household, while any money the wife earns is hers to do as she wishes.

Is this common today? What would the wife typically do with her salary? What about the kids who would buy their things?

chocolatecrisps · 17/10/2022 08:41

I am also of a different ethnicity( not white). It's difficult to imagine my husband and I talking about splitting bills. Upthread a PP spoke of how generous her husband was because he paid for a holiday in full and a household bill without needing a "repayment". It's just a completely different world.
I'm not saying it's better or worse, just that I can't relate in any way to this. I have been married for many years, so am obviously out of touch with dating.
The important thing is that people who are in relationships are happy together. I don't like it when a group of people put others down because they aren't living in the way beneficial to a "cause", in this case equality. Not everyone has the same definition of equality so it's difficult to see eye to eye.

ambermorning · 17/10/2022 09:30

Totally agree chocolatecrisps. I would say though. I don't think married couples with separate finances are 'the norm' in the U.K. though. When I read things like, "he paid for the holiday, it's like a totally different world to me too and it's hard to relate. I think maybe people with separate finances are just more likely to post on threads about finances? But I don't know really.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/10/2022 09:55

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate.
If a man dated a woman & expressed these intentions, he's rightly be called a wannabe cocklodger.

This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.
Bullshit! Or why can't YOU pay for the first date, & expect him to pick up the second?