to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

[partie]

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

If your ‘type’ of feminism solved anything we’d all be equal by now

Quick, someone tell Sweden they are doing it all wrong with this shared parental leave nonsense

We did and are doing SPL.

Whether people think its right or not, ime, most men do still offer and expect to pay.
After decades of social norms around dating where the man was considered to be 'hosting' a woman he had asked out, the behaviours around that are still hanging around.
For a man to actively rail against this by asking for half, or in the case of the charmer one poster described who sent her off to the cashpoint, insisting on it lest there be any doubt; he is making a statement about himself.
I agree with the PP who said the statement he is making is almost certainly not one about respecting womens' equality. Much more likely he's from the 'well you wanted equality...' (smug grin) camp, or is simply tight fisted. Neither of which are positive traits.
The ideal situation I think is that the man expects to pay, and the woman then offers to pay her half. After that they work it out between them, taking into account whether there's likely to be another date (if not the woman should definitely pay her share) and how important it is to her to pay (if she's adamant on 50/50 he should respect that.)

Of course you're fully entitled to date as you wish but you're coming across as the type most I know would steer clear from.

Has it occurred to you that your 3 male encounters turned out stingy because of your attitude?

No,I would prefer to split. I would think it important for the relationship to start off on an equal footing.

’I’m not stingy I am just a feminist’
😂

Which one? The one who wouldn’t give me access to my debit card and turned out to be spending the money on drugs or the one who ‘forgot his card’ after our first ‘expensive’ date that wasn’t just a coffee? Maybe it is me 🤔

@5128gap

"Whether people think its right or not, ime, most men do still offer and expect to pay. "

On a first date yes they do.

But even the most generous of men would feel pretty used if she never paid for anything, and just sat there expectantly.

And for me it's not about what HE wants. What do YOU want.

To be treated as an equal, or set yourself up as the little woman.

My self-worth would not allow me to use a man in this way, nor sit there like a fool every time a bill arrived.

"Quick, someone tell Sweden they are doing it all wrong with this shared parental leave nonsense"

Hsve you seen what is happening in Sweden through in the wake of paternal leave initiatives and quotas on % of women / men in certain job roles? The 'gender gap' between women and men taking STEM or other "traditionally male" degrees has now become more marked. In fact, it's far higher than in most developing countries that are deemed to have far lesser male / female equality in the workplace / domestic sphere.

But even the most generous of men would feel pretty used if she never paid for anything, and just sat there expectantly.

Absolutely. DH paid for the main event, I picked up taxis, rounds of drinks etc. After a few lovely dates paid for by him, I wanted to show my thanks so arranged a ‘surprise’ date after work (which was a planned activity and not cheap, which I paid for in advance so he couldn’t offer!).

I’m not saying they should pay for EVERYTHING, and FOREVER. But initially I think they should at least offer to pay for whatever the main activity is. If she accepts, ok, if she doesn’t, ok, if she says ‘thank you, I’ll get us a cocktail and our taxi home’ then that’s probably the best response.

Ah ok, now you're drip feeding info.

I don't think someone on drugs is a good example to try and prove your theory that men, happy to go 50/50, turn out stingy.

And neither is someone on a first expensive date 'forgetting to bring his card'

Sadly your theory is tuning out to be flawed, as is your attitude.

Wow this has taken a turn! Surely it’s not that contentious? If you want a man to pay half or all, it doesn’t really matter as you’re the one on the date and will be the one dating him in the future. I was looking for an equal partner, I’d prefer to pay half on the first date then take it turns. We have an equal spilt on household tasks, childcare (took shared parental), earnings/work etc. it works for us. If I was looking for something different, maybe I’d want the man to pay on the first date? Who knows? Who cares? You’re the one on the date, so it’s up to you really!

@Lunar270 both of them were very big fans of ‘50-50’ and constantly reminded me of what ‘I owed’ when initially dating. Neither turned out to be generous or even nice. I can only go by my own experience.

@ambermorning
No I haven’t seen.
Gender-based occupational preferences is a very different argument though

Funnily enough, now that I am older (and wiser?) and monied, with a career and a lot more sense of self and self-worth, if I were to date, I’d definitely offer 50/50 and judge the heck out of the man if he readily accepts.
When I was young, poor and lacking in confidence, I always paid 50/50 because I was afraid they’d think I owe them something. It came from a place of vulnerability, which is the exact opposite of equality.

Which one? The one who wouldn’t give me access to my debit card and turned out to be spending the money on drugs or the one who ‘forgot his card’ after our first ‘expensive’ date that wasn’t just a coffee? Maybe it is me 🤔

Well that was a bit of a drip, although not sure how someone so knowledgeable about how first dates should be got into either of those relationships.

Which is very flawed because you handed over a debit card! You dated a drug user, it was nothing to do with 50/50 it was to do with drugs.

If I could 'like' this post 1000 times over I would. As a pp said earlier, these women think they're sticking it to the patriarchy, and are a shining example of feminism. In reality, they are playing right into the mens hands. 'Oooooh look what a FEMINIST I am shagging a man on the first date, and paying my own way on every date, and how DARE he offer to pick me up, and pay for my meal. THAT BASTARD!'

These men must be rubbing their hands together with glee! 😂

Like you, I am VERY glad to not be in the world of dating now, and am happily married.

100% this. ^

Agree with this too. The 'let's go for a walk, and then buy our own coffee' types on a first date can jog on. No way I would waste my time with such a man.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps could be worse though, could be a druggies she surrenders her debit card too!

Being treated as an equal is set of behaviours that result from a genuine belief that women ARE equal. If a man doesn't already have that belief, then faffing about splitting a bill 50/50 on the first date isn't going to change anything.
And if he does have that belief, paying for dinner will be an act of generosity not oppression.
Of course it should be reciprocated down the line.

I didn’t ‘surrender’ it. He took it. This was when we’d been together for 2 years. He started off ok at first, bar his obsession with ‘50-50’ and reminding me how great he was is he so much as bought me a bottle of water

*if he so much.

Amen

Sorry, AMEN!! (seethes)