to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

[partie]

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

Oh my gosh it was a joke

Just to be clear, if I was still dating I would not be having men round to do my dusting 😂

twitter.com/BBCiPlayer/status/1121304583806967809?t=84tb4B-XAloK1CcNo3H5PQ&s=19

"It's just basic biology" is what evo-psych types always say to defend their weird ideas.

Men being the primary providers in society - I see this as a form of inequality to push back against. I think the ideas that women can provide, and men can nurture and be domestic, should be more normalised.

Men being the primary providers in other people's relationships - I don't care about this on an individual level. If that's what you want more power to you. I can only control my relationship in which I currently provide equally with DP (there have been periods in our relationship when one of us has earned a lot more than the other and I'm sure there will be again). And we're child-free so that aspect isn't a consideration at all. I wanted a relationship based on equality, and I got one.

That's excellent

As long as women get pregnant, we will always be the more vulnerable sex. Your views are the typical mumsnet feminism ‘everything is down to socialisation’, which actually holds women because by simply encouraging them to ‘beat men at their own game’ which we can never win. There’s a difference between equity and equality, we need the former, not the latter.

@gannett if you’re child free then you can’t really know how the dynamic works in reality, or what mothers need. It’s easy to say how things should be when you’re not part of such a set up yourself.

Speak for yourself. I am not more vulnerable neither are the women I know. Do not victimise us due to your own issues, and it’s nothing to do with who pays on a first date.

So you disagree that women are inherently disadvantaged in relationships and life generally?

Completely 100% agree with the posters here saying until there is COMPLETE EQUALITY between men and women, in EVERY SINGLE walk of life, every field, every scenario, every home, every workplace etc etc, then YES, men can pay on the first date.

The posters on here who think men who want to split the bill 50-50 want to do so, 'because they believe in equal rights for women' are hilariously deluded. In my experience, men who insist women pay half on the first date, are actually more likely to be a lot more tight fisted from the onset. And they're often much lazier in the relationship, and will very likely refuse to pull their weight around the house, and will see it as 'babysitting' when they are forced to look after their own children.

By the way @TwinsAndTiramisu I agree with EVERYTHING you say. Loving your work! I also love how you have not backed down for a single second on your beliefs. I also notice that the 'women should pay half' brigade are much more vitriolic and full of anger and rage, towards the women who like to have the security of a man who will look after them. Go figure!

It may be an old fashioned, and dated sentiment, but if it's good enough for some women and their men, I don't understand why others are so utterly furious. Maybe jarring a nerve is it? Can't find a man to look after you? And I say this as someone who has always worked, and always earned slightly more than my husband. I don't resent others who stay at home though.

As I said, the posters on here who think men who insist on everything being 50-50 do so because they believe in equal rights for women, are deluded.

I am also baffled at the 'what's the first date got to do with a relationship or marriage?' question several posters asked further back. It has EVERYTHING to do with it. You are hoping to meet someone you can go into a relationship with, and maybe make a life with eventually.

As a poster said much further back, a man's willingness or reluctance to pay on the first date, is a sign of things to come, and many women will ultimately be looking for a man who can take care of them if/when they have to put their career on hold to have children, or if they're ill, or if they lose their job etc...

A 'let's split the bill on the first date' man is not going to be what some women are looking for. I know that makes some posters VERY angry, but other women are entitled to have different views.

Most women I know don't want a man who will still insist you pay 50% of everything, even when you are a lower earner, and you have children. I have actually known a few women who had a baby, and their income reduced a lot, and their partner STILL expected them to pay 50% of everything, so she was left with fuck-all, while he spent his surplus income on his hobbies and nights out, whilst never lifting a finger in the house.

I know a few posters claim their men do 50% of everything and never complain and do 50% of all the childcare etc, (a few even claim he does even more some days, and insists she sits down and relaxes while HE does everything.) Even if this IS true (and I doubt it tbh,) for every man like this, there will be 20 like the ones I mention, who are reluctant to do anything around the house, and see looking after their own children as 'babysitting,' and who earn more and keep more of their own money to themselves. Not ALL men, but most.

I also agree with the poster that said as long as women have the babies, we will ALWAYS be at a disadvantage, especially in the workplace. No, you can deny it all you want, but that is a fact.

I also agree with another poster that women without children cannot comment on what life is like for women with them, because they have not been there.

Maybe jarring a nerve is it? Can't find a man to look after you? Wink

This may be the most cringworthy thing I've ever read on MN.

Maybe jarring a nerve is it? Can't find a man to look after you?

Given your two extremely long, posts on this complete with emphasis in caps it would in fact appear your nerve has been jarred

The posters on here who think men who want to split the bill 50-50 want to do so, 'because they believe in equal rights for women' are hilariously deluded.

Arent they just! It’s like the women who think having sex on the first date is ‘feministic and liberated’. They’re just playing into the men’s hands.

Interesting how there is a cross over between 'men should pay and be the providers' and posters trying to silence some women's voices and tell them they aren't allowed an opinion. But obviously they understand equality the best.

Who said women ‘aren’t allowed an opinion’?

I know, it's hilarious, but also really quite worrying. It's the most cringeworthy thing I ever read on this type of thread! They're also the same type who insist they will never give up their maiden name, 'because feminism' but will still end up taking on most of the grunt work, drudgery, and childcare. Yes, they really will.

Some women, I said some women aren't

I also agree with another poster that women without children cannot comment

And yet those of us who pay 50/50 and who have been asked on this thread have all said that if we relationship where we share money housework and childcare so that doesn't really play out

Please Copy and paste one post that said some women aren’t allowed an opinion? Disagreeing isn’t silencing. It’s disagreeing. And this is about a first date.

once you get into a relationship then you work finances to suit you both, but on a first date no one is entitled to anything from the other. You pay your way and get to know the person. Decide if it’d worth proceeding from either perspective. You don’t turn up wanting to be paid for, be you a man or a woman.

Totally agree Cuppasoupmonster.

I have actually read women in here (married women) who have 'saved up' so they can take a few months maternity leave. They will argue to the hilt that their DH shouldn't have to "fund" them - even when they have had to take time out to keep HIS child alive!

There are loads of married women on here who say that when they go out for dinner, even once married, they still split the bill! Or if the H pays, then she "owes him" her half. I find this astonishing.

It's actually scary how far down the rabbit hole some women have tumbled and how little they have vine to expect of men. They are mistaking "independence" for "financial abuse" quite often. MN is a real eye-opener in this regard. I don't know why it attracts this sort of poster, but it seems to.

If I was a man I'd run a mile from anyone wanting me to bankroll them and their upkeep.

I didn’t mean ‘silencing’ I meant their opinion means little as they have no first hand experience of being a mother.

Bankroll them because you’re paying for a Prezzo 😂

As I said before it amazes me that so many posters think women would spend time with and shag a man they didn’t fancy for a few meals and a trip to the cinema.

Young women actually earn slightly more until their 30-40s, depending on which study.

Aka silencing them

Personally I don't think women have to have children before they can decide how to pay in a first date.

And given we have to work out what kind of a man someone is before we have children with them it's a bit late to leave it until after kids.