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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go away by myself for a couple of nights?

87 replies

WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 05:49

'D'P and I are not getting on well right now. I want to separate. He wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

I'm completely drained and exhausted. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house. Feel I can't talk to him about what's happening because he won't accept reality. It's impacting on my sleep, and on my work. My body feels tense and there's a painful knot in my stomach 24hrs a day. I normally never have a problem with my mental health but I can feel myself slipping. I'm bursting into tears randomly during the day without warning.

If I just up and left, I would need to continue paying the mortgage because he can't pay the bills on this place alone. I won't be able to afford that plus a rental around here. So financially, we're both stuck here until we sell the house. ³

We've both had next week booked off work for months. Normally always go somewhere in October but I cancelled our lodge some weeks ago as I knew we were at an end.

I can't stand the thought of a full week with him in the house without the break of us both going to work.

WIBU to go away by myself for a couple of nights? I don't care where I go. I want to just close the curtains, shut the door, and not speak to a single human being for 2-3 days.

There are no DC in this situation, thank God.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/10/2022 05:55

Yes, head off somewhere. Why wouldn't you? 🙂

Or cancel your annual leave and work instead.

Igmum · 14/10/2022 05:59

Sounds a great idea. You need a break and you need to be away from him. Do you own the house together? Can you just ask him to leave?

BewitchedBotheredAndBewilderedGAH · 14/10/2022 06:00

I’m so sorry. Sending you sympathy. I’ve been in the exact same situation myself, and it’s the worst.

Yes, absolutely go away on your own. Enjoy the peace and silence. Stay in an Airbnb or a hotel somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, and enjoy going for nice coffees, to museums and for walks. I love going to the cinema on my own too, but I know not everyone does.

I hope your situation improves soon. You’re in the worst part right now, and it’s important you take care of yourself.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 06:05

Yes we both own the house jointly. He could easily move back with his parents, even temporarily, but he won't. I don't have any family so don't have that option.

I was just going to cancel my AL but I'm really struggling at work right now. Doing the bare minimum and spending hours just staring at the computer screen. I feel terrible about if, but I have nothing left to give right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 06:07

BewitchedBotheredAndBewilderedGAH · 14/10/2022 06:00

I’m so sorry. Sending you sympathy. I’ve been in the exact same situation myself, and it’s the worst.

Yes, absolutely go away on your own. Enjoy the peace and silence. Stay in an Airbnb or a hotel somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, and enjoy going for nice coffees, to museums and for walks. I love going to the cinema on my own too, but I know not everyone does.

I hope your situation improves soon. You’re in the worst part right now, and it’s important you take care of yourself.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

Thank you. It's such a relief to have someone else know how it feels.

I love going to the cinema by myself too but all I really want is to sit in my pyjamas all day and watch the Harry Potter movies Grin

OP posts:
Craftybodger · 14/10/2022 06:10

YANBU to go away alone. You obviously need time off. Would it be possible to move your leave by a week or 2, have the time but have it when the house would be yours alone through the working day?

category12 · 14/10/2022 06:14

Oh, have a look for somewhere nice to stay, and go. Do the whole week if you can afford it. You need a break.

BewitchedBotheredAndBewilderedGAH · 14/10/2022 06:15

@WakeUpandMakeUp then Harry Potter in pjs is what you shall do! Thinking of you.

Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 06:16

Craftybodger · 14/10/2022 06:10

YANBU to go away alone. You obviously need time off. Would it be possible to move your leave by a week or 2, have the time but have it when the house would be yours alone through the working day?

DP works backshift so he's around all day. Sad

and he's never been able to let me just "be". Even before things turned bad, he follows me from room to room and chats incessantly. We have a big-ish house so I thought it would be easy to live together amicably but I literally don't get half an hour to myself when he's around.

OP posts:
Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 06:21

How do I tell DP? Just "I need a break, I'll be back on Thursday"?

OP posts:
bare · 14/10/2022 06:25

Exactly that. I wouldn't even say 'I need a break'. Just go with, I'm going away for a few days as I have annual leave next week. I'll be leaving Monday, back on Thursday

Puppypads · 14/10/2022 06:27

Yup @WakeUpandMakeUp just say exactly that. You could also add, when I get back we will be having a serious discussion about this relationship, we both know it's at an end.
Or not, just go, switch off your phone, and breathe. When you're strong enough tel him it's over and the house is going on the market. Good luck Flowers

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 06:29

You absolutely must go away. This is a stressful time and you need to look after yourself.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 14/10/2022 06:36

Absolutely. I wouldn’t hesitate.
I have recently spent a few nights away and I have every intention of doing so again. We’re not splitting up but both being retired and DH not inclined to do anything other than watch tv I just had to escape!
I’m looking at residential painting workshops next!

marlowe5 · 14/10/2022 06:38

Definitely definitely go away. Find somewhere with a lovely fire, reliable netflix etc and a home from home kind of place where you also have access to shops and things to do easily if you want them. If you want to hole up and that's what you need then just do that and don't feel guilty for not going to 'see the sights' but it might be nice to have the option of things to do if you get a bit of energy later in the week. Is there someone near where you have some friends or family you might visit, to have the chance to talk things through too if you need to? I have been there and ended up living in this 'walking on eggshells' situation for months at the beginning of the first lockdown. It was truly awful. I'm glad for you there are no DC involved so you can be clear about what you want, know you are a free person and get out. It's good to grasp your life and make changes when you need to. Wishing you good luck with it all.

SierraSapphire · 14/10/2022 06:40

I've just had a few nights away by myself, it was lovely, I booked a few days by the coast and then whilst I was there I decided to have a couple of days in a city as well. I did a mix of walks by the sea, shopping for autumn clothes and eating. I think people sometimes can think it's weird going away on your own or feel sorry for you, but it was definitely what I wanted.

Darcy101 · 14/10/2022 06:48

SierraSapphire · 14/10/2022 06:40

I've just had a few nights away by myself, it was lovely, I booked a few days by the coast and then whilst I was there I decided to have a couple of days in a city as well. I did a mix of walks by the sea, shopping for autumn clothes and eating. I think people sometimes can think it's weird going away on your own or feel sorry for you, but it was definitely what I wanted.

Sounds perfect !

Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 06:50

SierraSapphire · 14/10/2022 06:40

I've just had a few nights away by myself, it was lovely, I booked a few days by the coast and then whilst I was there I decided to have a couple of days in a city as well. I did a mix of walks by the sea, shopping for autumn clothes and eating. I think people sometimes can think it's weird going away on your own or feel sorry for you, but it was definitely what I wanted.

That sounds amazing! Exactly what I need.

OP posts:
SierraSapphire · 14/10/2022 06:52

That sounds amazing! Exactly what I need.

It was pretty difficult coming home TBH I felt as though I could have just carried on moving every few days, just deciding where to go as I went along!

CarefreeMe · 14/10/2022 06:53

YANBU and I’d recommend it even if you had a fantastic relationship.
We all need time to ourselves.

It will also be a nice break for DH too so don’t feel guilty,

I would just be honest and say you’re planning on going away for a couple of days as you want some ‘me time’.

Myfirstbornisacollie · 14/10/2022 06:56

Go go go some space to yourself sounds like exactly what you need to relax, gather your thoughts and plan for the future x

Mummadeze · 14/10/2022 06:58

Could you go to a spa? Or some kind of retreat that specialises in self care. In your shoes that is what I would be doing.

XmasElf10 · 14/10/2022 07:24

I’d tell him the relationship is over, you’ll be away for the week to give him space but when you get back you need to put the house on the market so you can separate

Original poster
WakeUpandMakeUp · 14/10/2022 07:29

CarefreeMe · 14/10/2022 06:53

YANBU and I’d recommend it even if you had a fantastic relationship.
We all need time to ourselves.

It will also be a nice break for DH too so don’t feel guilty,

I would just be honest and say you’re planning on going away for a couple of days as you want some ‘me time’.

We've never done this in our relationship so I know DP will not be happy with it. I can't imagine he will find it a nice break either.

OP posts:
Popvan · 14/10/2022 07:36

I wouldn't even tell him incase he makes a scene or tries to stop you. Tell him you're working through the holiday, pack up the car and drive off leaving a note, C U next Tuesday.

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