To wonder why some people don't work full-time?

[donniedarko89]

I was part-time myself while DD was very young as I wanted to spend time with her. I know many mums however who have stayed part time even after the kids go to school. They only work 2 or 3 days a week. The thing is, they're not loaded, on the contrary they keep complaining that finances are tight and they can't afford stuff - then why not increase your work days (they could all easily do it)? Some of them even have a cleaner. No hobbies on the side either. It genuinely puzzles me!

I haven't read the intervening comments since U was posting this morning. But when I said not everyone has it in them to be a SAHM (or SAHD) - well, they don't.

Being with kids (often multiple kids) as default day in day out is not something everybody can cope with. It can be overwhelming, exhausting; you can lose your sense of self if you're not very careful. Some people find it boring, others find they just aren't cut out for it. So, what I'm saying is, if you are a SAHM and this is something you want to do, you have to be sure you are cut out for it. If you "don't understand the point" of what you are doing then, fgs, don't do it because it could affect your mental health and that's no good for the kids.

I have friends who openly admit they don't have it in them to be a SAHM. They say they need structure in their day. They need a job title or they feel all over the place and anxious. They don't have the patience to be with their kids all the time. They say they can't think of how to get through the day without losing the plot.

They are not worse parents. Do what you need to do. But they are happier parents working, so that benefits their kids. I, on the other hand, would be utterly miserable if I'd had to use childcare. Well, I just would not have done that, unless I was a single parent and had no choice. That doesn't make me a better parent. It just is what it is and I feel how I feel, so that's the end of that.

Thanks. I've got to admit, though, we're lucky we can (just about) afford to do this - it is not a good way to build a career, for either of us. We both effectively pay the 'mummy penalty'.

I responded to a comment about nobody who works PT looking back wishing that they had worked FT.
I have no problem with parents wanting a career and working all the hours whether through personal choice or family circumstances, it’s their life, not mine. But the same way the OP states that there are PT working mothers complaining that they’re skint and can’t do anything there are also FT parents who can afford to drop a few hours yet complain that they want to see more of their children. Then finally those that have no choice which from your comment is the situation you found yourself in, one of necessity, who neither the OP nor myself are referring to or criticising.

@ambermorning

No one said they didn't understand the point of being a sahm though.

Oh and I've worked in childcare. I can cope fine with looking after kids

I work pt-4 days a week. I’m not loaded, but my mortgage is cleared and I don’t have kids to support. There’s more to life than money.

Where are the schools where parents talk about money at the gates? Thought it was one of those avoid topics to be honest.

Usually said by those who have plenty.

Working in childcare is not the same as your own kids though. Working in childcare is other people's kids and you don't feel the same way towards other peoples kids. It a job, no more. At 5pm, hand them back.

You did say you don't understand the point of being a SAHM. That ok, you don't have to see the point. But I'm just explaining that other people do see the point.

I have friends who openly admit they don't have it in them to be a SAHM. They say they need structure in their day. They need a job title or they feel all over the place and anxious. They don't have the patience to be with their kids all the time. They say they can't think of how to get through the day without losing the plot.

That’s what they tell you!

@PanPacificBallroomChampion

there are also FT parents who can afford to drop a few hours yet complain that they want to see more of their children.

So you think most parents who work FT can just swan up to the boss and say "I'm dropping hours because I want to hang out with my kids"? It sounds as if you have never worked FT because I promise you its a minority of people who can do that.

My household is totally reliant on my income. I get no child maintenance, no benefits, nothing. As it is I'm constantly being told I don't work hard enough, don't go into the office enough etc and get snarky remarks about being on the "mummy track" because I can't do early morning events etc. If I wandered into my boss's office and said I wanted to drop hours I would be shown the door.

And BTW, its perfectly possible for people who work FT to also see their families. Work and having time with your family aren't mutually exclusive.

There are loads if women who become depressed or anxious being a SAHM, Iamthewombat. I've seen it happen!

If I lived in an isolated place, for instance, I'm not sure I would have coped. If I was an introvert, I don't think I could have coped either.

@ambermorning

Quote me saying I didnt see the point in bringing a sahm please

I dropped a day of work a week due to chronic illness. Sure we could use the extra money but if I get too sick there is no money so it’s a compromise. I don’t really share my reasons why with random people, however genuinely puzzled they may be…🙄

Lots of women are unhappy being sahms.

They wouldn't choose it.

Doesn't mean they're shit at it. Or thar women who don't want to be sahms would be shit at it.

Its just parenting

Are you suggesting they are lying or saying it to make them feel better about not being able to stay at home?

Oh come on Topgub. You are always saying that. I've seen you say it a lot. You say there is no difference between a mum who works and a SAHM. I agree with you a SAHM is not 'better' necessarily. It's not a competition and it doesn't need to be a value judgement or criticism. But it's not 'no difference' either. There are other stresses in being a working mum - obviously. I personally would have found those stresses much worse. But being a SAHM for years on end is a different lived experience than having a nanny or picking your kids up at 6pm or whatever. It just is.

@ambermorning

There isn't any difference. Not for me. Never had a nanny. Never only picked kids up at 6.

And I didnt say there wasn't any point which is why you can't quote it. I said there was no benefit to the sahm/part time working mum model.

🤷‍♀️

"And I didnt say there wasn't any point which is why you can't quote it. I said there was no benefit to the sahm/part time working mum model."

That makes no sense.

I said there was no benefit to the sahm/part time working mum model.

No benefits to whom?

The stay at home parent?
The partner of the sahp?
Their children?
Their home?
Their garden?
Charities that may benefit from sahp's volunteering

Yes it does

You said the sah mum model has benefits.

I dont think it does.

Its perfectly clear.

@Lilacsunflowers

Didn't you ask me that already?

I answered you.

A model is about lots of people on a societal level

Being a sah mum may benefit that individual. if they volunteer ot would benefit the people they volunteer for. But working people volunteer too. So not a benefit of a sahm model.

Certainly benefits men. But thats a negative in my opinion not an actual benefit.

And no, I don't think it benefits the kids because sah mums aren't doing anything other parents aren't

Of course the SAH 'model' has benefits. People don't give up jobs for nothing.

From my point of view, if my prioritising my children without the headspace and additional commitment of a job on top, makes even a smidge if difference to their daily lives, then that's what I'm going to do.

I think you’ll see that I was generalising, I haven’t done extensive research into the subject but I do know people in this very situation, admittedly only 3 but they haven’t asked their manager. I have worked FT from 1989-1999 then after having DD I returned to work doing 14hrs/2days as nursery was expensive and the net figure hardly changed after fees so I couldn’t see the point in doing more days. After DS was born in 2001 I returned to 14hrs/2days until 2005 when I was made redundant and got a new job working 18.5hrs/3days. I increased to 30hrs (8:30-2:30 M-F) once DS started secondary school which I still work now. DH is PT too as part of his job was lost. We’ve had a shitty probably 5 years with bereavements, unfair dismissal, degenerative medical diagnosis, sexual harassment, theft and a dead dog which puts everything into perspective regarding work/life balance. I would say if you can afford to, ask your employer, the worst they can do is refuse the request. Finally, the rest of my PP did refer to the fact that I have no issue with working parents choices and also those that have no choice at all are not the subject of any of my posts.

I also think the SAHM "model" can benefit women too if they would be unhappy or less happy with the alternative.

Put it this way, if I lived in Sweden or somewhere like that and there was some govt initiative to persuade families to put their kids in day centres full time at age 1, that would be a very resounding f off from me.

@ambermorning

That's not a benefit of a model.

That's an individual belief that you can't prioritise your children and work.

Plenty of people can do that.

I can.

For a model to have benefit, it has to be universal and proven. Not individual and woo