To not make DH a cup of tea/snack/meal every time I make myself one?

[Essie274]

I'm SAHM to a toddler and a baby. DH started working from home in a spare room upstairs a few months ago (he WFH during covid, but from the kitchen so he had easy access to the kettle/fridge etc and also I was freshly postpartum with our first baby so not catering to anyones needs except DS).

I've gone from making just one meal for him a day (dinner), to making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and multiple cups of tea and coffee all day. I'm not even sure he always wants them because he doesn't drink or eat so much when I'm not there - but when I don't make one for him at the same time he gets really grumpy.

As to not drip feed...

• the reason I've started making breakfast for him is because he used to eat cereal for breakfast quickly before leaving for work and I have always eaten a nicer, more filling breakfast a bit later at around 9/10am; I'm a breakfast person and he generally isn't bothered, but if I'm making scrambled eggs he wants scrambled eggs.
• He used to get lunch for free at work, and I would typically have leftovers or soup. Now we don't always have enough leftovers for both of us and toddler so we end up alternating who eats the leftovers and the other has a sandwich/soup (fine), but I feel like I have to make it for him because he's busy at work (he is).
• Snacks he never really ate but since I'm having quite a few as I'm starving breastfeeding and running around after a very fast toddler, as well as actually exercising.... he wants them too. But he doesn't eat the snacks that I eat, he wants biscuits or crisps or cakes, which the toddler then wants too (and tbh so do I).

I feel conflicted because on one hand I don't mind and if i'm making food/tea for myself anyway I might as well make him one, but also sometimes I just want to only have to think about myself for a minute?

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I sometimes feel like he treats me like in-office catering.

I'd make him breakfast, but he gets a lunch break so he can make his own unless it's just more of what you're already making. Snack wise I'd let him have some that stay and are eaten in his office space so toddler and you not tempted. If you're making a cuppa maybe offer once or twice a day.

I offer to make DH food and drink, but quite often he prefers to make his own. He always cooks the main meal.

Do you ask? Or is it expected? Does he watch your LO whilst you're in the kitchen? Has he got too used to you serving him like this? Why can't he get his own snacks?

You need to have a conversation. You are wfh as a SAHM. He is wfh in his office. He needs to stay professional and manage his day as he would in the office and not add to your workload
And that is what he is doing. He is adding to your workload abs getting grumpy if you don't serve him.
How about he makes yours instead after all you are both wfh. Does he think his work is more important than yours?
If you are making eggs then it makes sense that you make him some as it's very little extra work. But he clears up after himself. Thanks you and makes you a cup tea whilst he makes himself one.
If he wants cookies then he's quite capable of sorting that himself. He can keep them in his office space.
What's wrong with him. Is he always this domineering and self centred?

He needs to sort his own lunch out.

Just stop. He is capable, you are not his mother.

How does he even know when you're having a snack??
I like looking after my DP but only because he's always appreciative. If he started demanding it because I was there I'd be fucked off. Rude.

Think you need to have a chat with him. Makes sense to cook breakfast for both of you but really he should need regular DSE breaks from his desk during the day and can make his own drinks and snacks. Maybe word it as you don't want to be bothering him taking drinks he leaves to go cold. When I was WFH, I'd take 2 hot drinks with me, one in an insulated cup that would stay hot for 1-2 hours, one to drink straight away. Sometimes DH would bring me breakfast later, or shout up to ask if I wanted food. I'd take breaks and sort myself out usually and preferred it.

That is exactly my issue with it. It adds to my workload. I think I'm struggling with it because I don't actually mind making him tea/lunch/etc and it only takes an extra few minutes, but when it feels like all day every day it builds up. I think I need to nip it in the bud before baby starts solids soon otherwise I'm going to be spending my entire day in the kitchen.

This needs a discussion so that you can agree on something you're both happy with. Would he be willing to batch cook his lunch at the weekend?

You’re a stay at home mum to your dc not your dh.
An occasional drink fine, anything else he can cater for himself.
You need to go out for a few long days and break his habit.

He obviously doesn't always, but sometimes he'll pop down randomly and see we're having a snack and get a bit miffed.

He'd never demand it. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to sometimes just not think about him (I'm a proper people pleaser and working on it! But also love him and want to look after him)

I'd get sick of that routine very quickly if I was you.

I'm sure he loves being catered to and barely having to lift a finger, who wouldn't - I'd feel guilty if I was him though as he sounds like he's taking the piss!

Breakfast he can do himself before he goes upstairs to WFH, snacks he can nip down and get as & when he wants one, lunch can also do himself - everyone needs a break away from their desk.

That just leaves dinner - how about taking alternate evenings each to cook for the whole family.

I think that he’s asking for too much tbh,

Breakfast- he should sort his own out or if you are making eggs ask nicely for you to make a bit extra for him. But it shouldn’t be you cooking breakfast twice or assumed you’ll make him something.

Lunch- he should sort his own out. The exchange should be no more than do you want the leftovers? Or I want the left overs.

Dinner- yeah, as SAHM I think it’s on you to do a family dinner majority of nights. But I think he should be doing family dinner 2-3 nights a week.

Tea/Snacks- if you’re making a cup for yourself, offer him one. If he wants one any other time, it’s on him. Snacks…get him a stash of snacks he can keep in his office area. My DH is WFH too and he likes those go ahead bars or a bit of fruit as a snack. You don’t need to be getting them or baking anything for him.

But also love him and want to look after him

He's not a child that needs feeding.

Make one tea/coffee and put it in a thermos flask for him to have beside him. Create a rota, you can't be expected to do nothing but catering for him. If he is WFH, he can alternate the evening meals. Don't let the current situation become a routine that he gets used to, it will then be more difficult to break.

It’s a bit mean to not at least offer to make your loved one a drink/snack/meal when you’re making one for yourself. DH and I would always offer one another and sometimes it’s reciprocated, other times it isn’t 🤷‍♀️

I would say, I will do breakfast, you do lunch. My adult son is working at home today, DH does breakfasts for all of us, I do lunch, my son has just made afternoon tea. If anyone wants snacks during the day, we get our own.

How about he batch cooks his own lunches at the weekend? She's not his servant!

I'd agree to make breakfast if (and only if) I was cooking something for myself. Lunch he sorts himself. Don't feel obliged to give him the leftovers every time. It takes a couple of minutes to make a sandwich, so he won't be hard done by. Maybe alternate?

He can keep a selection of biscuits and snacks in his home office upstairs. Actually, get him a cheap kettle and some tea bags/coffee to keep up there too, so he can make his own when he needs it, just needs to bring down the empties at the end of the day and put them in the dishwasher.

I WFH and my DH starts work at 5am so is home by 12~ish.
he makes my lunch every day, and brings me tea and snacks whenever he makes himself tea, he also regularly refills my water bottle for me
we alternate making dinner every night

I definitely don’t expect him to do this but I have to say, I 100% appreciate it and to be honest I would be a bit put out if he made himself tea and didn’t offer me a cup

I think like everything balance is key. I'm at home right now with my toddler and I'm pregnant. DH always makes the hot drinks, he uses it also as a reason to get up and stretch his legs. He makes his own breakfast in the mornings as I'm usually sorting myself and toddler out, though even some mornings he gets toddlers breakfast together as he likes to eat with him and spend some time with him before work. Then I prep and cook lunch and dinner for everyone. I have to say though, if DH got grumpy with me for not making him something, I'd be annoyed. DH doesn't expect it and if I'm having a food aversion day and don't cook something proper (happened a lot in the first trimester), then I'd sort out toddler and DH made himself his own dinner and never complained because he's a man who can get his own stuff

I was a SAHM while partner worked from home and he made his own food and drinks apart from the odd coffee etc, I wouldn't expect it the other way round either. Both are busy!

I think he needs to pull his finger out.

I would go quite mad with the annoyance of this whilst looking after two babies.

You sound like a servant not a wife.

If you make breakfast, he needs to make lunch for you both or start looking after himself.
Him getting grumpy would make me grumpier....

Wfh can make life a lot harder for some people and it is no wonder people (like me) were thrilled to see the back of my children and husband to work, uni, school.😁

I thought I was running a bloody restaurant at one point I was spending so much time in the kitchen.

The alternative was to have 5/6 people making snacks, sandwiches, pancakes constantly on a loop 15-18 hours a day.
By doing it myself I brought a bit of order to proceedings.

God but I love my calm, empty house🙏

Why's he randomly coming down? Is he about to make you both a cup of tea? (Good dh) Or just to badger you for something? (Fuck off dh)

Does he always offer you a drink/snack when he makes them?

I would expect it to be approx equal - that some of the time he's offering to you, and some of the time you're offering to him. If he doesn't ever make any (and just waits until you offer), then that's clearly a problem.

How does he know your having snacks or making drinks if he is upstairs?