To not make DH a cup of tea/snack/meal every time I make myself one?

[Essie274]

I'm SAHM to a toddler and a baby. DH started working from home in a spare room upstairs a few months ago (he WFH during covid, but from the kitchen so he had easy access to the kettle/fridge etc and also I was freshly postpartum with our first baby so not catering to anyones needs except DS).

I've gone from making just one meal for him a day (dinner), to making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and multiple cups of tea and coffee all day. I'm not even sure he always wants them because he doesn't drink or eat so much when I'm not there - but when I don't make one for him at the same time he gets really grumpy.

As to not drip feed...

• the reason I've started making breakfast for him is because he used to eat cereal for breakfast quickly before leaving for work and I have always eaten a nicer, more filling breakfast a bit later at around 9/10am; I'm a breakfast person and he generally isn't bothered, but if I'm making scrambled eggs he wants scrambled eggs.
• He used to get lunch for free at work, and I would typically have leftovers or soup. Now we don't always have enough leftovers for both of us and toddler so we end up alternating who eats the leftovers and the other has a sandwich/soup (fine), but I feel like I have to make it for him because he's busy at work (he is).
• Snacks he never really ate but since I'm having quite a few as I'm starving breastfeeding and running around after a very fast toddler, as well as actually exercising.... he wants them too. But he doesn't eat the snacks that I eat, he wants biscuits or crisps or cakes, which the toddler then wants too (and tbh so do I).

I feel conflicted because on one hand I don't mind and if i'm making food/tea for myself anyway I might as well make him one, but also sometimes I just want to only have to think about myself for a minute?

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I sometimes feel like he treats me like in-office catering.

Depends if he does it for you back. We always make tea/snacks for the other if we are making one for ourselves so it's never been an issue because it's equal. If he's expecting you to serve him like a 1950s housewife then that's another story...

I think it's fair enough to make him something at times, for him to sometimes make it, and occasionally for you to each get your own. I'd expect to share the clearing up too.

He should be giving himself screen breaks or comfort breaks so he can make his own snacks then. Same for lunch unless you are actually cooking something big that you could all enjoy.

Whoever makes dinner, make more so there's always leftovers you can both help yourself to.
It's nice if you offer a drink here or there or breakfast even but it shouldn't be an obligation and he would do stuff for himself if he was going to work.
Let him get grumpy. So what?

I would never usually make myself a drink or snack without offering everyone in the house one too… but I’d be seriously pissed off if my DH didn’t do his fair share of food prep.

Why isn’t he making you both breakfast or lunch?

But the issue is that it doesn't sound like it's ever reciprocated - OP is making all the meals/drinks/snacks all the time. And getting grumpy when OP doesn't do it is not on. He might be busy with work but OP is busy looking after a baby and a toddler!

Generally I think if you WFH you should sort your own lunch and snacks out. Having said that, DP makes me lunch on days when I'm both WFH and he's at home but not working, but he's the main cook anyway and I wash up even if I'm WFH.

If either of us make a drink or a low-effort snack we'd always ask the other if they want one (unless I'm WFH and actually under time pressure but just want a quick caffeine boost).

Context, communication and reciprocity are key. And the expectation that you should run around serving him meals is just wrong.

Is it not you initiating it all though? Make sure you ask ‘could you make me a x’ every so often and stop feeling guilty if you don’t make him something!! Dh makes me tea every time he makes tea. It took time for me to start doing it back. He’ll cop on soon enough- you deserve snacks too!!!

He'd never demand it.

No, but he does a passive-aggressive sulk if you don't. There's not a great deal of difference between them.

You need a discussion. And if it's clear that he thinks you're not actually working so have the time to be his handmaiden, put him straight.

YANBU

I think making him lunch and dinner is fine and should be done by you as you’re doing it anyway.

But no way would I be doing snacks or cups of tea.

Unless your DC gets distressed seeing him for only a short amount of time, then he needs to be the one to do it himself as he needs to get up and stretch his legs anyway.

However, I probably am in the minority as there was a thread the other day about an OP’s DH not offering her a cup of tea when he makes one for himself and the majority said that you should always ask the others if they want a cup of tea when you make one for yourself.

If I had guests I would ask everyone or if my partner were sat in the same room but my view is if you want a drink then have one, just like DH should too. You shouldn’t need to announce it.

So if he wants crisps or biscuits why can’t he just go to cupboard and get them?

what snacks are you having that he can’t sort himself?

You're not the only one experiencing this, OP. I make food and snacks for DH when we're both WFH, but guess what, I was really busy on Monday, barely stopped all day, and he made me the grand total of a cup of tea. He got himself lunch, etc., but not me!

I told him it wasn't fair.😂

This would be such a turn off for me, tell him to get his own cups of tea.

I’m currently on maternity leave and DP is working from home. We both sort our own breakfast, at different times. I take him up a coffee in the late morning. He comes downstairs and makes lunch (for both of us if I’m here). I take him a coffee in the afternoon. He comes downstairs after work and either cooks dinner, or takes the baby whilst I cook.

It’s ridiculous for you to be doing so much for him. He should be doing things for you a lot of the time, as it’s often easier to build a break into a conventional job than it is to build a break into looking after two young children

I’m in a similar situation to you. I have a 22 month old and am on mat leave with my seven week old. My DH works from home in our downstairs study, which is opposite the living room.

i think where perhaps we differ is that the four of us eat lunch together as a family (well the seven week old sits with us). We all
have the same thing so it makes no sense for me not to make it for him too.

In terms of breakfast, we do whatever. Sometimes we have it together and sometimes we’ll be working it around getting the kids ready for a group etc.

He always asks if I want a drink if he’s making one and I do the same.

When on lunch or stretching his legs etc he will also make a bottle of milk for me or assist with a particularly nasty nappy if needed.

I think it can be difficult to find the right boundaries when one is working from home and very young children are at home but if you both agree on how it works then does it really matter?

Put some snacks to keep in his office and have a tea/coffee making area. I wouldn't be running around all day after him. Get out with your toddler make some memories. Look for toddler groups to take him to. Softplay centre's do toddler times in term time without the older kids there.

My DH works from home five days a week. Three days a week I work from home, two days a week I'm at home with our one-year-old.

DH gives the baby breakfast every morning (even my non-working days) while I shower and get ready (or catch up on sleep if baby has been up a lot – I do all the nighttime stuff). If it's one of my working days, I do the drop-off at childcare and come home to work. We sort our own breakfasts but DH always makes my first coffee.

DH usually makes lunch for both of us (sometimes I make it but it's usually him).

If at home, I always sort baby's lunch. If in childcare, DH heats up something from the freezer when he's doing breakfast and puts it in a mini thermos. The food from the freezer is stuff I've batch cooked specifically for baby.

During the day, we make our own cups of tea or coffee as and when we want them.

I do the pick-up from childcare, and I always do the evening meal for baby (around 5-5.30pm).

Usually DH makes our evening meal while I do bath and bed. Now that baby is a bit older I sometimes manage to prep some stuff in the afternoon to make it a bit easier for DH, but tbh that only happens about once a week.

After baby is down and while DH is finishing up cooking (or cleaning the cooking pots etc), I sort and hang up laundry, fold clean clothes etc. (I do all our laundry and I'm quite happy with that).

I sometimes feel guilty and like I should be doing more, but I think that's just ingrained sexism telling me that as the woman I should be doing all the household chores. Rationally, I think we have a fair split and we're both happy with it.

this stood out to me too - would give me the ick.

I'm a SAHM and when my husband WFH he's the one who makes breakfast and lunch!!

I've never once asked, he just assumed that was the thing to do given that he gets a set lunch break and I don't, and his work day starts at 9am whereas the baby is up at 6am...

I think your husband is being very cheeky!

Admittedly I've never done breakfast, as DH gets up at 5.45am and I'm not doing that, but during covid and after when he was wfh, I happily made him something if I was doing it for myself. It didn't take that much more effort. In the office he often sat at his desk eating, but while at home he used his travel time to have coffee with me and sometimes lunch (I go to work at noon, so had to be early). I will give it to him though, it was never expected - just a jokey comment - is ..... (my name) cafe open at ..am for coffee and a treat? Since having DC, he's always worked more hours than me so I don't mind trying to make it a bit more pleasurable for him.

DH works long hours though and pulls his share of the weight in the evenings/weekends, so I try to make it an equal balance.

He really made food for himself and didn't think to offer you any?
I can't believe how selfish some people are.

Ah here bit of a jump to self centred and domineering 😂 you’ve no idea what he’s like as a husband outside of a few cups of tea

I think the problems here are a) him being a whingy baby if you have things, even if he wouldn't usually want them b)him not reciprocating.

I can just picture him turning up in the kitchen and his little face all heartbroken to find out you've had the temerity to have half a flapjack without consulting him.

When he was at the office he would have had to make his own hot drinks or buy them, I expect. I would be taking it in turns to make the hot drinks, only making one for him if he then made the next "round".

New plan is he makes lunch. Like you say - maybe that's just reheating leftovers.

In return you do breakfast and dinner if you're happy with that.

I would also remind yourself that he is not "under your care".

Not relevant to the question, but why don't you scale up your dinners to have more leftovers for lunches?

I do lunch for DH when we're WFH but that's because I am in charge of shopping/meal planning/cooking in our house. (DH does all the cleaning and most of the laundry so I think I get a pretty sweet deal!) We also sit and eat lunch together. He makes the morning hot drinks as he is downstairs first, and we offer each other if we are having hot drinks in the day. Your set up sounds pretty inequitable, and the sulking if you don't make him a drink sounds ridiculous.

I say it is less that you are doing too much for him, and more that he is not doing enough for you. Probably worth having a chat about it.