To not make DH a cup of tea/snack/meal every time I make myself one?

[Essie274]

I'm SAHM to a toddler and a baby. DH started working from home in a spare room upstairs a few months ago (he WFH during covid, but from the kitchen so he had easy access to the kettle/fridge etc and also I was freshly postpartum with our first baby so not catering to anyones needs except DS).

I've gone from making just one meal for him a day (dinner), to making breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and multiple cups of tea and coffee all day. I'm not even sure he always wants them because he doesn't drink or eat so much when I'm not there - but when I don't make one for him at the same time he gets really grumpy.

As to not drip feed...

• the reason I've started making breakfast for him is because he used to eat cereal for breakfast quickly before leaving for work and I have always eaten a nicer, more filling breakfast a bit later at around 9/10am; I'm a breakfast person and he generally isn't bothered, but if I'm making scrambled eggs he wants scrambled eggs.
• He used to get lunch for free at work, and I would typically have leftovers or soup. Now we don't always have enough leftovers for both of us and toddler so we end up alternating who eats the leftovers and the other has a sandwich/soup (fine), but I feel like I have to make it for him because he's busy at work (he is).
• Snacks he never really ate but since I'm having quite a few as I'm starving breastfeeding and running around after a very fast toddler, as well as actually exercising.... he wants them too. But he doesn't eat the snacks that I eat, he wants biscuits or crisps or cakes, which the toddler then wants too (and tbh so do I).

I feel conflicted because on one hand I don't mind and if i'm making food/tea for myself anyway I might as well make him one, but also sometimes I just want to only have to think about myself for a minute?

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I sometimes feel like he treats me like in-office catering.

Fuck that, OP. Get yourself a metal trolley on wheels, pinny and hairnet.

So all of a sudden you’re offering a catering service to an adult man?

Nope, he can fend for himself. I’d do eggs and make the odd cuppa, but I’d not build the catering service into my day. He’s making you his servant as he’s doing important mens work

I'm a SAHM and when my DH works from home I do tend to make him food and drinks when I'm doing my own, it wouldn't occur to me not to tbh.
However he only works from home two or three times a month and he doesn't expect it at all. If I happen to be out all day he'd make his own.
I can see how it could quickly get annoying if it's day in, day out.
Maybe on the weekend he could batch cook some food for both of your lunches and you can reheat your own when its convenient.

A grown man should make his own breakfast and lunch.
I had this on mat leave with my second, dh never asked but would wander out of his office at lunchtime sort of sniffing the air. I made the mistake of catering to him for a short while, but then I quit. He was the type to sulk if I didn't make him his lunch so I started leaving the house at 11.30 every day 😃
A bit ridiculous to have to do it though! So my next strategy was to make myself and/or the kids a sandwich and ask him " shall I leave this out for you" ? indicating the raw materials.
I realised early on that if I did everything he would just let me. So I stopped. Now I only do things that I know I won't resent. Also going back to work full time helped.

Pre Covid, DH worked full time and I worked part time for him in our office in London. I also care part time variously for both adult DDs; and grandchildren. Since Covid, we both wfh. He gets breakfast (boiled eggs, toast, 4 portions of fruit and coffee). We get our own lunches, unless I make home made soup or a pasta salad sometimes. I get dinner in the week; he might cook on a Sunday. Probably one takeaway a week.

Whoever cooks lunch or dinner, the other makes the tea afterwards and washes up non dishwasher items. We have a tea mid morning and mid afternoon - either one makes it when they need a break.

We never make a drink just for one; but we get a snack for ourself, as and when we feel like it!

Depends on his attitude. If he’s just waiting to be brought food and drinks because you’re in, that's not on. Presumably if you’re out, he finds time to sort food/drinks so he can do it when you’re home too. And offer you some.

My partner works at home, if I’m in and making food, I’ll do some for him too. I can’t imagine making some for me, knowing he’s working and not doing some for him. But I know he doesn’t take the piss and that he takes breaks when he can and he’ll often make lunch for us both. We both make drinks and offer the other throughout the day. Snacks, we both sort out ourselves as it’s quick to grab some fruit, nuts, crisps, yogurt or whatever. I don’t expect to have to offer an adult an apple. We share cooking dinner. Working at home doesn’t mean the other person at home, if there is one, is your personal chef/waitress. He is still a functioning adult when working at home, there will be time between meetings/work and he can use those to do some good/drinks and even offer you some!

I wouldn't have been at home long enough for this to become and issue when l was on mat leave.
Def stop being so available- he knows where the kitchen is

Can you have a conversation with him and explain how you feel? I don't think you need to be accusatory at all. His working pattern has changed and you have fallen into a new meal prep pattern that is irritating you, can you change it together?

I think it would be reasonable and fair if you fixed breakfast for both of you, he fixed lunch for both of you, and you do something like agree to have a tea break at 3pm where you take something to him. Him fixing lunch for you both would take the mental load off you, give him a bit of a break from the screen, and make a nice social occasion as the toddler gets older. If it's only leftovers or soup or sandwiches it won't take long to make.

Or do the other way around, you handle breakfast and lunch and all dinner duties go to him.

Make more so you have enough leftovers for two each day and don't have to make two different lunches.

Oh, I hear you OP! There is a saying among older women whose husbands are about to retire For better, for worse, but never for lunch'

My DH used to work away Monday to Thursday, I went from only cooking at weekends, I would live on the left overs during the week. Now it's 3 meals a day every day.

TBH it's not really about the work as such, although it is extra work doing all the planning and making sure you have got stuff in, it's the sitting their on their arse asking 'What's for lunch?' taking it for granted that gets right up my nose. Your DH certainly has no right to get grumpy about it.

YANBU to point out to him why it's a pain to be taken for granted and tell him he's got to do lunch at least one day a week, then he'll see your point.

I got this across by having a massive strop which involved crashing a lot of pans in the kitchen and giving the cat a nervous breakdown, but you might want to go about it in a more grown up way.

You could make him breakfast. Then he fixes his own lunch (sandwich etc) on his lunch break and gets himself any snacks or tea. In the evening, you make the family dinner.

Caring for a baby and a toddler is a full time job so you are just as busy as or busier than he is. Plus you don’t get off at 5pm. Think of it this way, if you’re having to be in the kitchen from morning to night making breakfasts, lunches, dinners, teas, snacks, then you’re officially a cook and that is like a full time job.
That’s too much because you have two small children and he needs to pitch in. Working from home is a big convenience for him so he should step up.

No way would I be making DH meals, snacks and drinks when he worked from home. I make his dinner. If he was downstairs and the kettle was on I would make him coffee or lunch if I was cooking bacon or had home made soup on. Other than that I never went to the room and carried on with my day looking after our 3 kids. I am his wife not his mother. He can make his own coffee. I love DH but was delighted when he went back to the office as I got my house back to myself and could clean upstairs when it suited me.

Nope! When I was on mat leave and DH was wfh I'd make him lunch and dinner (as he was eating the same thing at the same time) but he'd sort himself out with breakfast and snacks. Coffee we'd tend to offer each other one when we were making one - so he'd offer if he was boiling the kettle and I'd do the same.

I dont see how it adds to your workload if you're doing it for yourself anyway? If someone was paying my mortgage/ rent and all the bills, but liked a sandwich or snack when I had one, I dont think Id write a list about what id made them to eat lol

I think it's nice when partners look after each other, but in this case, OP is not being looked after, it's her feeding and taking care of him and him expecting it as his due.

I sometimes feel like he treats me like in-office catering.
Tell him this. Explain how it makes you feel because if he is justifying it to himself it'll be about the amount of time of effort each little extra takes. It's 'just' a cup of tea, it's 'just' heading up some soup.... Let him know that his actions are making you feel like the hired help. If he's a decent guy, he should get it and shape up. If he isn't then better to know sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't make myself something without offering everyone else in the house something too. And I wouldn't begrudge anyone for accepting

If someone was looking after my children full time unpaid so I could get on with my job, and generally feeding me too, I would often be offering to make her hot drinks, and take my turn at cooking lunch/dinner as well.

Obviously it does add more work catering for more people, otherwise chefs wouldn't be paid as they were "going to cook dinner anyway".

The running up drinks etc to his work room is also work.

And I think the main point is, she's also looking after a baby and a toddler, and the husband is able bodied.

He could probably take a proper lunch break and use the time he would have had to use to go to the cafeteria or whatever, to make lunch for his own kids or take on another job. She's not asking him for that, she's just asking not to treat her like an on-demand caterer because she happens to be in.

Although I agree it’s not much extra if you’re doing it for yourself anyway, he’s still a functioning adult and part of that is using breaks from work to make food/drinks. It’s much better for him to have a break and stretch his legs, have a break from his screen anyway. Also take advantage of working from home and spend 10 minutes playing with your child.

As for the ‘he’s paying your mortgage bullshit’, maybe she should invoice him for childcare?. You’re attitude is vile. Money needs earning, kids need caring for, between them, they do that. It’s equal!

I was a SAHM, never went back actually, my partner thankfully wasn’t an arse with an shitty attitude like yours. He loved that our children had me to look after them and understood I wasn’t doing nothing whilst he worked. It’s a pretty important taking care of your children.

Now my kids are teens, he still happy to ‘pay my bills’...lol. In reality, he’s a respectful man, values that I’m around for our teens and we’re very much a team. I make food for him sometimes, he still doesn’t think it’s my job. We both do things for each other, he earns the money, doesn’t mean I’m his personal chef. Must be horrible to think like you.

This would drive me nuts.

The first thing I would do is put a stop to him consuming cake, biscuits, crisps and whatever in front of the toddler and baby (for whom it will soon become an issue). If he wants to eat these things, he needs to keep a stash in the room he's working in. If he joins you for toddler snack time, he needs to eat what the children are having...toast, crackers, apple slices etc.

The second thing I would make clear to him is that you do not offer a waitress service. If you're putting the kettle on or making lunch, you might message him "Do you want some/a coffee?" but he has to come down and get it. You're not running up and down the stairs with food and hot drinks. And make it clear that you have no intention of anticipating his need for a snack... he's an able-bodied human being who can fend for himself.

Then I'd think about what actually adds to your workload and what is relatively easy to scale up. If you both like leftovers for lunch, then whoever is doing dinner should make more the night before and put away 2 portions (and an extra little one if the kids are having it). If not, you might want to share making lunch but it shouldn't always be you.

DH and I both worked from home during lockdowns. We would take lunch at the same time and make something sometimes together sometimes separately and chat and eat. We manage cooking dinners between us and we get ourselves breakfast. I think that is noticed by our children who are pretty good at sorting themselves out too and mucking in with cooking and cleaning up after. That can pay off down the line where everyone doesn’t start thinking it is Mum’s job to do everything for everyone.

Don't worry, @APlanetFarFarAway , I made this clear to him that evening! Not a row, I just pointed it out. Tbf, he does get very caught up in his work and is in a zone, so to speak. I think he forgot I was around as I also go into the office quite regularly.

For every meal? Every cup of tea? Even unreciprocated?

If my DH is working from home he gets his own meals and snacks. I make dinners for everyone, if I was cooking scrambled eggs I’d crack another egg into the pan for him, but basically he’s a grown up and he can make his own sandwich or whatever, same as he does when he works at the office. I cannot imagine being expected to interrupt his work to periodically offer him a cookie or a packet of crisps.

Hmm. I'm torn.

What does he do for you? If he has a lunch break can't he make lunch for everyone a couple times a week?

Does he cook/clean/do chores at the weekend?

If often make lunch for DH if he's wfh. But then he'll bring me a bacon sandwich and coffee in bed at the weekend.

I found mat leave and looking after a new baby so so much harder than work (that would be my £100k+ job btw), especially work from home. If I had some dick demanding I serve him on top of it, he'd be under the patio.