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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a quiet Christmas?

85 replies

littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:07

My husband and I are massively disagreeing on what we should do for Christmas this year.
We have two little girls who will be 6 & 20 months by Christmas.

I'd love to stay home and have Christmas just the four of us (And the dog)So I can actually sit and play with my children and their new toys and just enjoy them being excited for the day. We have never done this since we have been together.

For a bit context, my husband has a very big family they have big, busy Christmas's. But my children are the only children on his side so I feel like it's very full on for them. They're very lucky to have lots of grandparents and great grandparents but this means lots of presents opening and the kids don't actually get to sit and enjoy their things.

My family is quite small and also very dysfunctional in comparison. I lost my mum in November 2020 and since have had very little to do with my siblings for lots of reasons.
Although I have a relationship with my dad we aren't very close and I only hear from him once every couple of months when it suits him.
We usually alternate between my family and my husbands. When it was my family we would have it at our house as my parents separated when I was very young so it would've been awkward for anyone else to host, but it was just chaos every single year. My husband spent all day cooking and one year I found my then 3 year old in her bedroom playing by herself to escape the madness downstairs because my nephews are ferral and my brothers just allow it. It made me so sad!

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family this year. Which is what we did last year but I refuse to host my family as it's just carnage and they never seem grateful for everything we do.

I have said we will happily see his family on Boxing Day if we can enjoy Christmas Day just us and actually relax for a change.

Aibu to let my children stay in their pyjamas if they want and play with their toys all day?
Or should I suck it up and go to my in-laws so the kids don't "miss out"?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 13/10/2022 13:10

Kids at home imo.

Tell dh they aren't props for his family's entertainment..

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 13/10/2022 13:11

Kids at home.

You can do in laws etc when they are older.

Yupbutnobut · 13/10/2022 13:13

YANB
You went last year, you need to alternate as that's fair and this year you're version is staying at home because of your family situation which is absolutely fine. Just say that and keep repeating.

user1471538283 · 13/10/2022 13:16

Sometimes Christmas can be just mental! I much prefer something more laid back and time with those I love not racing around to see everyone.

We used to do a family Christmas Day on Boxing Day which was lovely for my DS to see his cousins. I always try and see some family on Boxing Day but it isn't fraught and busy.

It is your Christmas too and you have offered a compromise.

CookPassBabtridge · 13/10/2022 13:19

I think a lot if people loved the covid enforced Christmas and I don't blame them when they usually have manic Christmasses.

Inertia · 13/10/2022 13:19

We used to try to do the traipsing around the country every Christmas when my kids were little. They liked seeing family but hated the travelling- just wanted to stay and play with toys. We began to stay home, and travel to relatives before/ after Christmas Day.

I’s stay home, see family on Boxing Day.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:21

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 13/10/2022 13:10

Kids at home imo.

Tell dh they aren't props for his family's entertainment..

This is exactly what it is.
My kids do love their grandparents and I have nothing against my inlaws but it's just not relaxing being there.

My DH grandma asked me what we were doing for Christmas the other day and when I said we didn't know she said "well I would have hoped you were going to be there" (at mother in laws house) In a really funny time like her Christmas would be ruined if she didn't see my kids.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 13/10/2022 13:25

I'm going against the grain......

I used to be you although in my scenario I'm an only child so used to quiet Christmas days with just me, DM and DF. Leisurely get up, open a few presents, play with them, lunch, open a few more etc.

My DHs family are like your husbands.

When we first had DS(14) I wanted to do quiet Christmas at home like I was used to, but for various reasons we ended up going to ILs.

Fast forward to now.....

15 of us at ILs including 5 children, total chaos, living room like a bomb site!!

But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way!!!

The children (and big children lol) LOVE IT and that's what Christmas is all about IMO.

Plus, I don't have to lift a finger..... MIL is in element being the hostess with the mostess!!

I come home to a tidy house and DS spends the next few days enjoying his various gifts.

Parky04 · 13/10/2022 13:28

When we got married 26 years ago we have spent every single Christmas day on our own. Didn't change when DC arrived. We socialised with our families from Boxing day onwards. My DM was pissed at first, but soon got used to it.

hulahoopqueen · 13/10/2022 13:31

I'd suggest alternating maybe? So one year Christmas day, next year Boxing day.
Though I'd probably ask your older DD what she'd like, and let that have a bit of influence - her hiding upstairs for some peace and quiet seems quite telling!
I hope you have a stress-free day :)

FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2022 13:32

I think if you went to the ILs' last year and particularly if you are going to go there next year, then YADNBAAU. Alternating between the two is an absolutely fair compromise.

Why should DH and your ILs get the Christmas they want at the expense of the Christmas you want, every single year?

Spanielsarepainless · 13/10/2022 13:35

Though I enjoyed the busier times of Christmas, my most precious memories are of the years it was just my parents, sister and me.

StarDolphins · 13/10/2022 13:39

Definitely at home so they can enjoy their presents & play all day! Then see IL’s Boxing Day!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/10/2022 13:43

TBH Ive never understood the immediate family christmas. Hanging out with just the kids and my husband is an every night occurrence, I would love a big family at Christmas.

IsItThough · 13/10/2022 13:44

I'd go. Have the mad buzz at someone else's house then plan Boxing day and twixtmas to yourselves. You can stay at home in your pyjamas any day of the year, if you really want.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:48

FrangipaniBlue · 13/10/2022 13:25

I'm going against the grain......

I used to be you although in my scenario I'm an only child so used to quiet Christmas days with just me, DM and DF. Leisurely get up, open a few presents, play with them, lunch, open a few more etc.

My DHs family are like your husbands.

When we first had DS(14) I wanted to do quiet Christmas at home like I was used to, but for various reasons we ended up going to ILs.

Fast forward to now.....

15 of us at ILs including 5 children, total chaos, living room like a bomb site!!

But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way!!!

The children (and big children lol) LOVE IT and that's what Christmas is all about IMO.

Plus, I don't have to lift a finger..... MIL is in element being the hostess with the mostess!!

I come home to a tidy house and DS spends the next few days enjoying his various gifts.

It's good to see another point of view, thanks 😊
I don't disagree big Christmas's can be lovely.
But we have never had just the four of us. I want to just enjoy my children.
Last year I barely saw my daughter the whole day because she was off playing with various family members while the rest of them fussed over the baby. Which is lovely and I'm grateful that they love my kids so much but it can just be so intense!

I want to very selfishly enjoy my kids and keep them to myself while they still believe in the magic that is Christmas. It sounds a bit petty saying it like that😅
But I would happily spend time with them all Boxing Day and my kids I'm sure would love to see their extended family.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:51

IsItThough · 13/10/2022 13:44

I'd go. Have the mad buzz at someone else's house then plan Boxing day and twixtmas to yourselves. You can stay at home in your pyjamas any day of the year, if you really want.

Yeah, I suppose we could have Boxing Day just us.

I just feel awful dragging the kids away from their toys to go and entertain loads of adults.
I don't think I'd mind as much if there was other kids in the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:54

hulahoopqueen · 13/10/2022 13:31

I'd suggest alternating maybe? So one year Christmas day, next year Boxing day.
Though I'd probably ask your older DD what she'd like, and let that have a bit of influence - her hiding upstairs for some peace and quiet seems quite telling!
I hope you have a stress-free day :)

We usually do alternate between families. But I refuse to host my family this year which meant my DH assuming we would go to his family instead of just having just us.

I think I will ask DD. If she wants to go see her grandparents then I will suck it up for her sake 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:55

IsItThough · 13/10/2022 13:44

I'd go. Have the mad buzz at someone else's house then plan Boxing day and twixtmas to yourselves. You can stay at home in your pyjamas any day of the year, if you really want.

Just to clarify, we would get dressed at some point 😂
Every year we have just rushed the kids to stop playing and get showered and dressed before visitors arrive or we go out!

OP posts:
Keepitrealnomists · 13/10/2022 13:56

As soon as we had children I refused to travel on christmas day, like you I want my children to stay in their pj's, play with their toys and have chocolate for breakfast. We see extended family before and after Christmas. I wouldn't have it any other way.

IsItThough · 13/10/2022 13:56

"I want to very selfishly enjoy my kids and keep them to myself while they still believe in the magic that is Christmas. It sounds a bit petty saying it like that😅
But I would happily spend time with them all Boxing Day and my kids I'm sure would love to see their extended family."

See for me my lovely day on our own would be tinged with perhaps ever so slightly dreading the next.

For years we'd pack our 2 then 3 little ones into the car after opening stockings and go to my mum's, drive 80 miles, christmas carols playing, it was exciting and fun, eating chocolate in the car. We'd have Xmas Eve at home, make it special (not gifts, but little rituals - we still do this now our eldest is 18).

I also think if its in your gift to make people happy by being there, I would.

IsItThough · 13/10/2022 14:01

Just to clarify, we would get dressed at some point 😂 (

(not strictly necessary)

Every year we have just rushed the kids to stop playing and get showered and dressed before visitors arrive or we go out!

That's the thing I would refuse to rush. I'd forget the showers, have them in the evening. Get dressed if they wanted, or on arrival at grannys. Stagger present giving. (we are controversial in our house and have them after lunch)

AriettyHomily · 13/10/2022 14:04

We've been at home on Christmas Day for the last few years and it's been bliss. We do Boxing Day with the family and it's great, none of the pressure, haven't been up since stupid o clock with excitement so no overly tired tantrums, kids get to play with their stuff.

Blossomtoes · 13/10/2022 14:10

FrangipaniBlue · 13/10/2022 13:25

I'm going against the grain......

I used to be you although in my scenario I'm an only child so used to quiet Christmas days with just me, DM and DF. Leisurely get up, open a few presents, play with them, lunch, open a few more etc.

My DHs family are like your husbands.

When we first had DS(14) I wanted to do quiet Christmas at home like I was used to, but for various reasons we ended up going to ILs.

Fast forward to now.....

15 of us at ILs including 5 children, total chaos, living room like a bomb site!!

But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way!!!

The children (and big children lol) LOVE IT and that's what Christmas is all about IMO.

Plus, I don't have to lift a finger..... MIL is in element being the hostess with the mostess!!

I come home to a tidy house and DS spends the next few days enjoying his various gifts.

This. Our Christmases are now very quiet and I hate it. I’d give anything for the busy day we used to have. I’d go for the busy Christmas Day and have a quiet period between Christmas and New Year. Especially if it means no cooking and clearing up.

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 13/10/2022 14:15

Present it to your DH as you each choose what to do on alternate years - so he chooses for you all to spend his year with his extended family, you choose to spend your alternate year at home just with DH and DCs.

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