To want a quiet Christmas?

[littlebird13]

My husband and I are massively disagreeing on what we should do for Christmas this year.
We have two little girls who will be 6 & 20 months by Christmas.

I'd love to stay home and have Christmas just the four of us (And the dog)So I can actually sit and play with my children and their new toys and just enjoy them being excited for the day. We have never done this since we have been together.

For a bit context, my husband has a very big family they have big, busy Christmas's. But my children are the only children on his side so I feel like it's very full on for them. They're very lucky to have lots of grandparents and great grandparents but this means lots of presents opening and the kids don't actually get to sit and enjoy their things.

My family is quite small and also very dysfunctional in comparison. I lost my mum in November 2020 and since have had very little to do with my siblings for lots of reasons.
Although I have a relationship with my dad we aren't very close and I only hear from him once every couple of months when it suits him.
We usually alternate between my family and my husbands. When it was my family we would have it at our house as my parents separated when I was very young so it would've been awkward for anyone else to host, but it was just chaos every single year. My husband spent all day cooking and one year I found my then 3 year old in her bedroom playing by herself to escape the madness downstairs because my nephews are ferral and my brothers just allow it. It made me so sad!

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family this year. Which is what we did last year but I refuse to host my family as it's just carnage and they never seem grateful for everything we do.

I have said we will happily see his family on Boxing Day if we can enjoy Christmas Day just us and actually relax for a change.

Aibu to let my children stay in their pyjamas if they want and play with their toys all day?
Or should I suck it up and go to my in-laws so the kids don't "miss out"?

Such a personal choice, I see it from both pov, I think the preference depends on how you perceive Christmas with your own family. Those who get on with them tend to prefer joining in and those who don’t prefer quieter. Both reasonable.

I love big Christmases, my childhood recollection is of the whole family together a lot of noise and the fun of it all. Now I have my own children I want them to experience that too, I think if I were to have it at home it would for my benefit than theirs. I think it actually works better the other way around anyway. Big 24 hours of carnage and fanfare and then Boxing Day for a few days in pjs and enjoying presents quietly as a family sound more like it to me.

I would love to have another big Christmas in my life. I grew up with 30+ people every Christmas Eve and absolutely loved it, and then another 30+ people on Christmas day (grew up in Sweden so we celebrate 24th). As a child it was truly magical and I would imagine your oldest child would have lots of fun at the in-laws and your DH too. If you live nearby can you not just go for part of the day? Just go for 3 hours or so and then go home and have the peaceful Christmas you prefer. That way everyone gets a bit of both and you can decide for next year if a quiet Christmas just you is what you prefer.

For me the enjoyment is in watching him excitedly opening his presents, not necessarily in the immediate "playing" with them. I looked at it that the second part doesn't have to come on Christmas Day morning - it can be just as enjoyable later or on another day.

We let him open his presents at home first but he was never that bothered about playing with the toys immediately because he knew he was going to Nannas where there would be "more toys!!"

So we made it a thing/tradition that when we get home on Christmas Day evening we do a bit of a "show and tell" of our gifts we received at ILs.

I must admit I absolutely loved the big family Christmases as a child. Now I’m an adult and I prefer the quiet ones! But maybe that’s because it’s always DH’s family rather than mine if we do a big one now.

I detest big family christmases and avoid them like the plague. People know better than to ask me now.
I just want to relax and do nothing after a crap and super busy year working in the NHS.
Marriage is about compromise surely. Why can't you have one at home and then a family one the next year.
I'm pretty sure kids don't care either way.

Growing up we had the big family Christmas' and I loved it, me and my siblings all loved the chaos and seeing our cousins!
When we had our children we said we would alternate Christmas' as we thought our children would like to be home playing with their toys.. however I've asked them this year what they would like to do and they've voted chaotic family Christmas as Christmas Day at home is boring 😂
We do have a very laid back, run up to New Year though, we spend our days in our pyjamas eating chocolates, watching films and slowly opening all our new things! The excitement lasts all through then as every morning they look forward to playing with a new toy they've yet to open!

I would ask your daughter what she prefers.

Did your dd enjoy Christmas last year?? I have 3 dc and they love being with their cousins, it’s loud and noisy and not particularly relaxing but the kids have a ball and I do enjoy it too. As someone else said if we’re at home alone it’s like a regular Sunday (with presents!)

This is why I prefer Easter/Ostara any day. No onset of dread in February about a holiday that isn't happening for another two months, much more relaxed and laid back, a fraction of the effort, lighter days and better weather, and none of the conventional obligations that come with Christmas!

Avoid precedents or it will be far harder to break them in the future. DH had his way last year; this year you get yours, and he needs to accept that it isn't his way or the highway every year. If there's a situation in which no one can agree, the only way forward is compromise. In a marriage where either or both partners won't do that, you have a problem.

She did enjoy it. But she is also a home girl and loves being at home.

It wouldn't be so bad if they had lots of cousins to play with, I'd really enjoy seeing lots of kids together on Christmas Day. But it's just my two girls. Then 2 sets of grandparents, great aunts and uncles and SIL and her partner.

I do want Christmas to be about them and what they will enjoy most importantly

I think a quiet Christmas would be nice and wouldn't blame you for wanting one. However, I usually have a big Christmas at my parents house with all the family and I love it and don't want it any other way.. so made me think, when your DH said the kids would be missing out, is it more to do with how he feels, because it's tradition and sentimental for him?

We always had quiet Christmas's with just us two parents and our children when they were growing up. Fun, lazy and cosy Christmas. No driving involved. Was happy to entertain guests on Boxing Day or visit wider family then. Really couldn't do with hassle at Christmas.

Our Xmas used to be like this. Now we have Xmas day just our household and enjoy the DC and their gifts! DH cooks but nothing too fancy, just a Sunday lunch with a few extras. I love it! We then do Boxing Day with all the family and it's a busy and can be stressful but still a happy day.

Agree with you. Presents don't have to be enjoyed only on Xmas day - the kids have at least another week off school to play with them, when all the hype has died down.

I never really saw the joy in a quiet Christmas at home with just immediate family. It just seems dull to me, like any other weekend. Almost less magical without all the grandparents and aunts/uncles and cousins around.

Obviously my perspective isn't going to be the same as everybody's, but I would say that you could have a calm Boxing Day at home to play with presents and Christmas could be with your DH's family, who seem to really want you there!

I love a big Christmas. Why can't they take their toys with them? They're the only kids there so just let them bring a few bits with them. Shove them in a big box in the boot and away you go.

Boxing Day and Christmas Eve can be spent just the four of you (and every other day probably).

For the first 5 years of being married, we went to husbands mums/granmothers. I never enjoyed it. Then I hosted one year, that was hell with a little one. Because no one helped out, and we had guests in the day and different guests at night (who arrived drunk and had to be guided to the front door at 1am). Since then we've had lovely quiet Christmases. I've learned to be vague and say we don't know what our plans are, until a few days before. This means people who fancied coming, give up and go else where. Although I'll have my dad again because he's disabled. Think I'll have him at lunch time this year and drop him back at 4pm, so I can drink and put my pyjamas on!

Start a new rotation… IL, your family, and immediate family. Everyone gets what they want every third year.

personally I’m on team immediate family, but that is what I grew up with. I know other’s prefer big extended family Christmas’ and to be fair the ones I’ve joined have been fun.

It seems air that you get to choose his year. However, you say 'we' can enjoy a quiet Christmas and I think just explain that you understand that isn't his favourite type of Christmas, but is yours and gives the children the chance to experience both styles.

*fair

Christmas Day just as a family of four seems ideal, go for it. Get up, dressed, go for a walk perhaps, as you will see your neighbourhood without the noise of shops and businesses.

Boxing Day with other family perhaps then.

Alternate. His family last year so his choice. Your choice this year. You do both need to compromise and if he lives big extended family Christmas then you do need to do it sometimes. Same goes for him vice versa

we had guests in the day and different guests at night (who arrived drunk and had to be guided to the front door at 1am)

We had the waiting up for drunk guests one year when we hosted… never hosted since 😂

This year will be the first family Christmas for ds1 and his dw, and their dd - our first grandchild. They have spent previous Christmases either with us or with her parents, but this year they are having their first family Christmas with just the three of them. They decided this as soon as they found out she was pregnant.

I would love to see them at Christmas, especially as our dgd gets older and begins to appreciate the magic, but I have had my turn with our dses, and now it’s their turn to make their own family traditions and to enjoy creating the magic for their child. It’s possible that they may come to us or go to her parents for some Christmases, and that would be lovely, but it will be entirely up to them, and we wouldn’t dream of putting pressure on them to do so.

Everyone, and every family is different, but Christmas is supposed to be fun, so it is not unreasonable to do what makes you happy - and if you want to have a family Christmas for just the four of you, @littlebird13, then you should do that - you have every bit as much right to the Christmas you want as your wider family do. You could, if you wanted to soften the blow, offer to make it a three way rota - this Christmas at home, next with your family and the third with your dh’s family - but you don’t have to do that.

Why don't you have your 'family' day on Boxing Day ... and keep back some of the presents so that they can be 'spaced out' and enjoyed rather than a mad rush to open them all at once? I can't think of anything more tedious than spending a whole day just playing with your DC and new toys - but I suspect that's just me .

I think you and your husband take it in turns to choose what you do, rather than alternating families as many people do. So that you, who wants a quiet Christmas, gets your choice as many time as he gets his busy Christmas. When the kids are older, take their views into account.

And no one gets to sulk and ruin the day when it’s the other person’s choice. No wistfully sighing over what the rest of the family must be doing now etc. Just commit to making it a nice day whoever has chosen that year.