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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a quiet Christmas?

85 replies

littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:07

My husband and I are massively disagreeing on what we should do for Christmas this year.
We have two little girls who will be 6 & 20 months by Christmas.

I'd love to stay home and have Christmas just the four of us (And the dog)So I can actually sit and play with my children and their new toys and just enjoy them being excited for the day. We have never done this since we have been together.

For a bit context, my husband has a very big family they have big, busy Christmas's. But my children are the only children on his side so I feel like it's very full on for them. They're very lucky to have lots of grandparents and great grandparents but this means lots of presents opening and the kids don't actually get to sit and enjoy their things.

My family is quite small and also very dysfunctional in comparison. I lost my mum in November 2020 and since have had very little to do with my siblings for lots of reasons.
Although I have a relationship with my dad we aren't very close and I only hear from him once every couple of months when it suits him.
We usually alternate between my family and my husbands. When it was my family we would have it at our house as my parents separated when I was very young so it would've been awkward for anyone else to host, but it was just chaos every single year. My husband spent all day cooking and one year I found my then 3 year old in her bedroom playing by herself to escape the madness downstairs because my nephews are ferral and my brothers just allow it. It made me so sad!

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family this year. Which is what we did last year but I refuse to host my family as it's just carnage and they never seem grateful for everything we do.

I have said we will happily see his family on Boxing Day if we can enjoy Christmas Day just us and actually relax for a change.

Aibu to let my children stay in their pyjamas if they want and play with their toys all day?
Or should I suck it up and go to my in-laws so the kids don't "miss out"?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 21:43

EndlessMagpies · 13/10/2022 21:30

I cannot think of anything worse than a huge chaotic Christmas Day with having to travel miles to visit people, or spend all day in the kitchen because you are hosting, hordes of relatives, umpteen over-excited kids, and all the ensuing enforced jollity.

I wouldn't even mind loads of children!! I'd really enjoy that. But my kids are the only two and making small talk with all the grown ups which most we don't see the rest of the year is not how I want to spend my Christmas

OP posts:
LookingAtYou · 13/10/2022 22:04

'making small talk with all the grown ups which most we don't see the rest of the year is not how I want to spend my Christmas'

Being with family shouldn't be about 'making small talk', you just all eat together and relax. Do you actually like his family, are you socially anxious?

Fine to alternate every year most do but please don't have your family Christmas that the 4 of you stay at home every year because that is how you like it.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 22:19

LookingAtYou · 13/10/2022 22:04

'making small talk with all the grown ups which most we don't see the rest of the year is not how I want to spend my Christmas'

Being with family shouldn't be about 'making small talk', you just all eat together and relax. Do you actually like his family, are you socially anxious?

Fine to alternate every year most do but please don't have your family Christmas that the 4 of you stay at home every year because that is how you like it.

I never said I wanted to do it every year? In fact I said the opposite. We do the big Christmas every year. I wanted one Christmas just the four of us 🙂

Where yes, I don't have to make small talk with my dh's extended family all day. As much as they are lovely people :)

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 13/10/2022 23:00

It doesn't matter what everyone here would like for their own personal Christmas - it's your turn to choose and do it's only fair that you should have the Christmas you want!
Your wishes are just as important as your husband's. Too many women, especially at Christmas, think that they have to please everyone else at the expense of their own happiness. Your children will be fine having a special day just Roth their own parents and seeing everyone else on Boxing Day or whenever. Don't allow your husband to railroad you into doing what his family want every Christmas - he married you and what you would like should be given equal weight to his own preference.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 14/10/2022 07:28

ImAvingOops · 13/10/2022 23:00

It doesn't matter what everyone here would like for their own personal Christmas - it's your turn to choose and do it's only fair that you should have the Christmas you want!
Your wishes are just as important as your husband's. Too many women, especially at Christmas, think that they have to please everyone else at the expense of their own happiness. Your children will be fine having a special day just Roth their own parents and seeing everyone else on Boxing Day or whenever. Don't allow your husband to railroad you into doing what his family want every Christmas - he married you and what you would like should be given equal weight to his own preference.

Thank you. He has certainly come round to the idea.
I think mainly he also didn't want to disappoint his family by saying we were having it alone. He does understand where I'm coming from and he agrees it would be fair for me to choose as technically we would be with my family this year if my mum was still here.
Thanks everyone!
I appreciate small Christmas's aren't for everyone and I doubt we would do it every year.

I think deep down Christmas is a tough time without my mum now. I would just like to embrace a slower more relaxed day than a busy and chaotic one 🙂

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/10/2022 12:38

I think deep down Christmas is a tough time without my mum now. I would just like to embrace a slower more relaxed day than a busy and chaotic one 🙂

I hear you, OP. If I'm honest, Christmas for me has never been the same since my lovely mum died. Unfortunately, as Christmas carries more social/conventional obligations than all others in the year, it also provided a lovely opportunity for a particularly spiteful in-law to twist the knife.

I no longer see that particular in-law, and life/Christmas is far happier for it. Deep down it will never be my favourite holiday, but I've learned to make the most of it and not for anything would I have my DC know how I feel.

Hope you are also eventually able to find some joy in the occasion Flowers

CoveredInCobwebs · 14/10/2022 13:00

I think deep down Christmas is a tough time without my mum now.

Deep down it will never be my favourite holiday, but I've learned to make the most of it and not for anything would I have my DC know how I feel.

I really relate to both of these comments… I think being with the ILs at Christmas just amplifies for me that my parents aren’t here. But when it’s just me and DH and the kids, it feels whole - there’s nothing missing.

pinkksugarmouse · 29/10/2022 23:06

Your girls won’t be missing out because they aren’t seeing their extended family on one specific day which your baby is oblivious to and your toddler will forget in a very short space of time.
I think this is about what you want and you are perfectly reasonable to want to spend a year when you are mothering two very needy children to want to be in the space where you feel the most relaxed.
My feeling is that for a woman who is pregnant or has a baby for whom it’s their first Christmas she should get the last word on where Christmas is spent.
You have made a perfectly good compromise.
As for your family that’s your call and if they are hard work, Christmas Day is a far too intense day to make it even harder.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 29/10/2022 23:24

FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2022 13:32

I think if you went to the ILs' last year and particularly if you are going to go there next year, then YADNBAAU. Alternating between the two is an absolutely fair compromise.

Why should DH and your ILs get the Christmas they want at the expense of the Christmas you want, every single year?

Yes.

Why should your DH and his family over rule what you want every single year.

I'd insist on taking turns. One year his, one year at home as you want.

Kpo58 · 09/12/2022 14:43

I've always hated quiet Christmases. Nothing happening at home. Nothing open outside to go to. It was just so boring. I'd much rather be able to see extended family on that day. Yes, you could go on boxing day, but by then they may have all dispersed and there is a good chance that you won't be able to see them all til next year and you will have missed out.

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