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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a quiet Christmas?

85 replies

littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 13:07

My husband and I are massively disagreeing on what we should do for Christmas this year.
We have two little girls who will be 6 & 20 months by Christmas.

I'd love to stay home and have Christmas just the four of us (And the dog)So I can actually sit and play with my children and their new toys and just enjoy them being excited for the day. We have never done this since we have been together.

For a bit context, my husband has a very big family they have big, busy Christmas's. But my children are the only children on his side so I feel like it's very full on for them. They're very lucky to have lots of grandparents and great grandparents but this means lots of presents opening and the kids don't actually get to sit and enjoy their things.

My family is quite small and also very dysfunctional in comparison. I lost my mum in November 2020 and since have had very little to do with my siblings for lots of reasons.
Although I have a relationship with my dad we aren't very close and I only hear from him once every couple of months when it suits him.
We usually alternate between my family and my husbands. When it was my family we would have it at our house as my parents separated when I was very young so it would've been awkward for anyone else to host, but it was just chaos every single year. My husband spent all day cooking and one year I found my then 3 year old in her bedroom playing by herself to escape the madness downstairs because my nephews are ferral and my brothers just allow it. It made me so sad!

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family this year. Which is what we did last year but I refuse to host my family as it's just carnage and they never seem grateful for everything we do.

I have said we will happily see his family on Boxing Day if we can enjoy Christmas Day just us and actually relax for a change.

Aibu to let my children stay in their pyjamas if they want and play with their toys all day?
Or should I suck it up and go to my in-laws so the kids don't "miss out"?

OP posts:
LookingAtYou · 13/10/2022 18:18

Just go for lunch and come home or go for tea? Surely doesn't have to be an intense 24/7 visit.

They are family! many would love a Christmas with lots of extended family rather than cooped up all day with Mum and Dad watching telly

orbitalcrisis · 13/10/2022 18:27

Everyone says xmas is all about the children, ask them what they want to do. I never got any choice in what I did at xmas, even for years as an adult it was all about my mother, I would have loved it if someone asked me what I wanted to do! I grew to hate xmas.

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 18:28

Alternate who chooses. So he chose his family you choose smaller christmas then next year he can choose his family again.

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 18:29

orbitalcrisis · 13/10/2022 18:27

Everyone says xmas is all about the children, ask them what they want to do. I never got any choice in what I did at xmas, even for years as an adult it was all about my mother, I would have loved it if someone asked me what I wanted to do! I grew to hate xmas.

They are quite young at the moment to be asked really.

TwoWrightFeet · 13/10/2022 18:30

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family

tell him he doesn’t get to speak for your kids and crack on with planning a day at home.

Blossomtoes · 13/10/2022 18:31

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 18:29

They are quite young at the moment to be asked really.

Show quote history

Six isn’t too young. I’m pretty sure I knew what I wanted when I was six.

orbitalcrisis · 13/10/2022 18:32

@sandytooth Is 6 too young to know what you want to do?

LookingAtYou · 13/10/2022 18:35

'tell him he doesn’t get to speak for your kids and crack on with planning a day at home.'

He has as much a right to an opinion as the op is.

Op if you're honest do you think you're probably a bit envious of his family's dos, it reminds you of what you've lost Flowers and also shines a bit of a light on your dysfunctional family? Perfectly understandable but don't let your kids miss out just be pleased they have a loving rowdy family to spoil them.

Hadjab · 13/10/2022 18:39

TwoWrightFeet · 13/10/2022 18:30

My husband thinks the kids will be "missing out" if we don't go and have a big Christmas with his family

tell him he doesn’t get to speak for your kids and crack on with planning a day at home.

By your logic, neither does OP.

Saz12 · 13/10/2022 18:42

The compromise would be to mix the days up. Maybe Santa will come on 24th or you give your gifts early and you have your family day then. Then crazy big family day on 25th. And on 26th you loll about in pj’s and eat leftovers and the enormous tin of celebrations.... If you disassemble what everyone actually wants out of the day then it’s usually possible to compromise on dates to give everyone their own way.

I used to do small family Christmas thing on 24th (Turkey at lunchtime, film in afternoon etc), gifts on morning of 25th, then off to family duty early afternoon (DC sleeping in the car). It worked as well as anything can do because everyone got something of what mattered to them.

NCAutumn · 13/10/2022 18:44

"And on 26th you loll about in pj’s and eat leftovers and the enormous tin of celebrations"

They won't have leftovers and enormous tins of celebrations don't exist. Bloody tiny they are 😅

OceanbreezeSun · 13/10/2022 18:45

I’m from a big family, like your dh & our Christmases together have always been brilliant. I feel very lucky to have all these core memories of Christmas as a child/teen fun, chaotic, lively & exciting, but as I’ve gotten older, they have become more tiring, especially since we had our dd.

We also don’t live local (90 mins away) so it has always meant that we have had to do alot of driving around on Christmas Eve/day as we’d visit dhs family too (4 different houses, as his mum/dad divorced etc) Dh especially was getting tired of doing it tbh. He has never had a Christmas where he wasn’t driving around to see people.

We had dds first Christmas at my parents 3 years ago , which was lovely and I’m glad we did it, but after that, we wanted to make our own family traditions and enjoy the day in our own home.

Last year we decided to have a quiet Christmas Eve & day as a family of 3. It was so relaxing and honestly, just lovely. We saw dhs family a few days before Christmas and saw mine on Boxing Day, where we had a fab big family buffet. It was actually nicer going on the Boxing Day, as the atmosphere was more relaxed. We really enjoyed it, all my nieces and nephews & dds cousins playing with their new toys together, they weren’t as hyper and everyone seemed chilled.

I think some people forget that Christmas isn’t just Christmas Day - there’s all this pressure for one day, but you can see family anytime before & after, it is what you make of it.

Happyher · 13/10/2022 18:50

Why don’t you save some of your DC’s presents to open on Boxing Day if you decide to have that as your homely day. I’m with you on wanting a quiet Christmas. I think people get carried away wanting the perfect Christmas and the best ones are the ones where no-one tries too hard and you just enjoy good fayre and company

Igo · 13/10/2022 18:51

I’d stay home 🏡 you did your in laws last year! Honestly your kids won’t be missing out on anything…

I used to do the one year here, one year there, one year everyone came to us malarky now I just stay home with just us four, it’s so much easier, kids wake up open presents I cook lunch when we want and just spend the day chilling out, playing with new toys, and it’s so much less stressful. We have the most amazing days.

Plenty if time before and after Christmas to see people in my opinion

TwoWrightFeet · 13/10/2022 18:52

Hadjab · 13/10/2022 18:39

By your logic, neither does OP.

Show quote history

Nonsense. The OP isn’t speaking for her children and claiming they are ‘missing out’ on anything. She is doing what’s right for her. That’s why I told
her to crack on with her plans.

ChocolateCakeYum · 13/10/2022 18:58

Christmas is just me, oh and ds. Can’t be bothered with seeing people or hosting. We can do that on Boxing Day and beyond. Nobody misses out.

Last year we didn’t even have a Christmas meal, we did a pizza night and it was bliss. Ds loved it and when asked what he wants to do this year he says movie night and pizza so that is what we shall do again.

TulipsTwoLips · 13/10/2022 19:00

Definitely a home Christmas for me with immediate family. It doesn't have to be quiet and boring. My parents always managed to make sure we had fun as the four of us.

DSGR · 13/10/2022 19:04

You want to stay home - please don’t say it’s what your children want though! You don’t know what they want?
when I was a child we had big family Christmases and they were the best thing on earth. I loved them so much and have great memories of them.
it’s your choice but be clear it’s your choice

AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2022 19:07

CookPassBabtridge · 13/10/2022 13:19

I think a lot if people loved the covid enforced Christmas and I don't blame them when they usually have manic Christmasses.

This. We had just me and my husband and my mum. Everyone else had someone to spend the day with. We have a family watts app so there were lots of present opening,food pics ,chatting.We eat at 1pm and mum went home at 4. It was peaceful, easy and brilliant. I would love it like that every year

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 19:42

orbitalcrisis · 13/10/2022 18:32

@sandytooth Is 6 too young to know what you want to do?

My fault misread it as 6 months and 20 months.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/10/2022 19:57

LookingAtYou · 13/10/2022 18:18

Just go for lunch and come home or go for tea? Surely doesn't have to be an intense 24/7 visit.

They are family! many would love a Christmas with lots of extended family rather than cooped up all day with Mum and Dad watching telly

Yes - many would love a big, chaotic Christmas, @LookingAtYou, but equally there are plenty of people who love a quieter Christmas, without lots of extended family. @littlebird13 sounds like she falls in the latter category, so it seems only fair that she gets the Christmas she wants sometimes.

As previous posters have suggested, I think it would be fair for both the OP and her dh to choose how they do Christmas - and as they did the big Christmas with his family last year, she gets to choose this year.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 20:35

My DH and I aren't going to argue about this, it has just been a discussion.

I grew up with just immediate family whereas he has a lot of extended family that literally live within a mile radius so it's just what we are used to.
However, ever since we have been together we have done big Christmas's.
I'm not or would never say I don't plan to see anyone at Christmas ever again but we've never had a quiet day as a family.
My husband is definitely entitled to an opinion and I respect what he thinks as he does with me.
I also want whatever my children will enjoy most. But going to my inlaws at Christmas means they are like the focal point for everyone for the whole day.
My 6 year old is a fairly quiet child, as was I at her age. If there was other children going to be there it would be a no brainer.

I'm very grateful for my DH's family and they do adore my children as they are lovely people but they are very OTT when it comes to my kids. Especially the grandparents. I'm just not used to it in my family so it seems very full on.

I do feel guilty suggesting we don't see them and I hate letting anybody down but I would, very selfishly for a change, like to enjoy the day just me and my family!

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 13/10/2022 20:37

YANBU. Stay at home, then invite DH’s family to yours on Boxing Day. See you own family for a walk a few days later.

I actually think DC need some peace and quiet on Christmas Day unless you have a huge house, otherwise they just get overwhelmed.

We spent 6 years travelling and seeing both families- flying on Boxing Day, switching each year who got us on Christmas Day, staying away from home for 11 days then returning to work completely exhausted. The last year I said never again - and that was before we had a child! Since then we’ve stayed at home, invited family to us, and seen family on the other days. Once DS was born we decided definitely not to be away again as it’s nice for him to play with his toys and not to have to drive hours etc. I recommend it.

Original poster
littlebird13 · 13/10/2022 21:12

VestaTilley · 13/10/2022 20:37

YANBU. Stay at home, then invite DH’s family to yours on Boxing Day. See you own family for a walk a few days later.

I actually think DC need some peace and quiet on Christmas Day unless you have a huge house, otherwise they just get overwhelmed.

We spent 6 years travelling and seeing both families- flying on Boxing Day, switching each year who got us on Christmas Day, staying away from home for 11 days then returning to work completely exhausted. The last year I said never again - and that was before we had a child! Since then we’ve stayed at home, invited family to us, and seen family on the other days. Once DS was born we decided definitely not to be away again as it’s nice for him to play with his toys and not to have to drive hours etc. I recommend it.

Thank you.
We don't have a huge house by any means and would struggle to accommodate my DH's family.

I have spoken more with DH about it this evening and he seems more on board with it. I just know we will get a scolding from certain members of his family.
Funny thing is, DH's brother and his wife spend EVERY Christmas with her family and nobody has ever questioned it but we will be the bad ones for sure

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 13/10/2022 21:30

I cannot think of anything worse than a huge chaotic Christmas Day with having to travel miles to visit people, or spend all day in the kitchen because you are hosting, hordes of relatives, umpteen over-excited kids, and all the ensuing enforced jollity.