To ask how the kids of very overprotective parents turned out?

[Uncleebz]

To be honest I can see the pros and cons (don’t have kids myself) of insulating your children from risk. However, my friend has a son who’s 14 and the rules he has are insane (eg not allowed to go anywhere on his own with friends unless accompanied by an adult). It got me thinking do you know any adults who were very overprotected as a kid (or are you one) how did it work out for them? What are they like now as adults?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just parent better to stop all anxiety, depression and addiction later in life...

I was one. I didn’t feel trusted by them, and as a result an quite shut down to my mum. I could go on. A lot of resentment set in with them stopping me from doing what all my friends could.

I went off the rails completely at uni and ended up in some very dodgy situations and unable to finish my course.
I picked myself together after a few years and am now very low contact with my parents.

My mum was very strict with me and then when my stepdad came along he was the same. I wasn’t allowed out when I was little, so I used to watch the neighbours children all playing out in the snow through the letterbox/window. As I got to primary school in the later years I made some friends and was allowed around their house etc. going into secondary school my mum would let me go out but had to be picked up and dropped off by a friends parent.

When I reached 15/16 I wasn’t allowed much of a life and definitely wouldn’t have been allowed a boyfriend. My mum would make me come home at 6pm or at a push 8pm. So this turned me into a very good liar. I would pretend that I was sleeping at my best friends house (luckily she never checked as I was 16).

I was meeting guys, travelling into London alone to meet guys, having risky sex, trying drugs and drink and smoking. I was always shy growing up and in that period of a couple of years I was leading a very risky life. It all suddenly stopped as I met a guy and stayed with him for years. He was very controlling. As soon as that relationship ended I did have a few months of meeting guys for sex etc.

I am pretty normal now and don’t drink or smoke. I am however terrified of everything, social anxiety and depression. Self esteem issues. I can’t handle confrontation as I was never taught to. I was scared of my parents who were sometimes verbally and physically abusive. My parents are alcoholics and always have been. It’s a very unpredictable life as a child growing up never knowing what mood your parents would be in because of the drink.

I always wondered why she was so strict with me. She says that because I was her first child she didn’t know any better. She wasn’t so bad with my younger siblings, they had more freedom than me. But yes my point is… if you suffocate your kids then they will rebel. Usually in secret. In secret is a big issue because if you don’t know where they really are, they could be in a lot of danger.

I think a healthy balance is correct, teaching your children that they can trust you and always come to you with any worries. I was terrified of my parents and couldn’t tell them anything. The abuse I got when they found a packet of cigarettes in my pocket still upsets me today and I’m a fully grown adult.

Im still scared of my mum as she is the type of woman who says things like, do as I say, not as I do. And the classic, because I said so. That was my whole childhood. I remember in my younger years wanting to be so mischievous and the more dangerous the situation the better. My friends used to be shocked.

One friend who’s mum wasn’t as strict had a boyfriend for a couple of years. Her parents weren’t as controlling as mine but her parents had their own issues and her life has turned out even worse than mine. I escaped my controlling parents I actually moved out at 16. I haven’t seen them for years.

I do struggle now if I feel someone is trying to back me into a corner or tell me what to do. I’m having therapy to try and help me with my emotions and reactions. Building boundaries and handling every day issues that I was never taught how to deal with.

It would depend on things that maybe you aren't privy to. I won't let my 14yr old out alone and if he's meeting friends I check. We've had teens/ children so called friends pretending they are wanting to meet at the park and then a gang of them beating the one teen/child up. My son is autistic and extremely trusting so no, he isn't allowed out unless I go with him or walk past every 10 mins or so to check. You wouldn't know he's autistic unless told or you saw some of his eccentricities. He is extremely vulnerable. You can't really judge whether it is over protectiveness or actual need to be protected. He was ganged up on at 9yrs old by 8 kids, you can bet with all knife crime now I triple check he stays safe.

In my experience the children with the strict parents are the kids who are fantastic at lying.
There parents will never know where they really are . However I find the more of an open parent , yet still with boundaries you are , more of a mutual trust Gets developed

That poor girl!! That's a lifetime of therapy right there!!! 🙈😪😪😪

I was an only child and very over protected. We were also in a high demand religion which had addition strict rules so that didn’t help.

a lot of my life was dictated for me. The degrees I chose and it had to be from home for example.

I remember having a huge row with my mum in my early 20s because I had gone out with friends from church, we had gone to a church dance a few hours away so I was arriving home around 3 am. Mum knew this, but I had been out late with church people a lot that week and she always waited up and she was tired and she said she would need to do a curfew. Which she did, I had to be home by midnight I think.

I got married young and had a lot of children (four) quickly which again was expected from the religion.
re

I’m super close to my parents, originally I married and moved away to another country but now we live a few doors away. I’m relatively ok I think. I’m not normal my any stretch of the imagination but I suspect, like my children, I’m Neurodivergent.

I have specific anxieties such as driving, which my mum kind of activity encourages as it makes me more dependent on them, I’m trying to overcome it. It’s not easy.

my children are over protected as like I said they are neurodivergent, but I’m trying. I’ve booked a school trip for my eldest 12 to London and which is not something I would have done as a child and I don’t have the difficulties he does.

one of my others wants to hang out with kids on the streets but we live near a really rough area, he’s 10 and said he’s need drug deals at the lane near the school during school time, the kids on the streets are not the kids he bothers with during school time and there has been a lot of incidents of sexual assault, drugs, vaping, and knife crimes as well as them sending nudes. So year I’m anxious about him going as he tends to be easily led and I do discuss these reasons with him. I do feel bad and wonder if I should be more laid back though. I don’t know.

IME it goes one of two ways. As soon as they are independent of the control they either become nervous, anxious adults or they go wild on the freedom. I haven't seen anyone from that background become a normal, happy, well adjusted adult.

I was only pondering this the other night as I dropped my 16 yr old at a house party. My parents were the exact opposite, I had to lie about where I was in order to go to these things, and more than once turned up and took me home when they found out I was actually at a party.

The rigid rules (and humiliation) resulted in me have serious authority issues, and hideously low self esteem. I'm not madly permissive as a parent, but instead of laying down laws like a dictator (like my parents) we discuss things, look at pros & cons, take account potential risks and what they can do to avoid getting into difficult situations.

I thought I was over protective but reading some of these I wasnt too bad.

I worried alot but gradually exposed my DS to risk with the idea that I was raising an adult. He is so confident and competent but he always knows I am here if he needs me.

It is such a balancing act, wanting them to be safe and wanting them to know how to cope with things.

I work with a girl like this. Shes in her early 20s. Her parents also work for the same company but in different departments. She is incredibly sheltered, naive, rude and has no social skills. We have encouraged her with nights out etc and she never comes as ‘mum has dinner on the table’.
According to one of my colleagues she is very confused about her sexuality. However she does not have the freedom to date. Instead she is having a secret affair with a married man.

I’m overprotective of one of mine, compared to his older brothers at the same age/peers now. It honestly breaks my heart though. I’d love for him to have access to the same technology and experiences as them, but his ASD means he just wouldn’t be able to cope with it. It’s genuinely heartbreaking.

If/when he grows up with anxiety though, it won’t be because I wouldn’t let him go to the park and have a meltdown alone; or have access to social media he isn’t developed enough to cope with. It will be because of the ASD.

That said, although my teenagers are not parented the same way, they have age appropriate freedoms (more than I did!) it’s really, really hard sometimes. Letting your babies make mistakes and seeing them hurt is hard. You just have to remember that it’s important for their learning and development sometimes to be left to make their own choices. I do have rules in place that probably seem draconian to some (my kids aren’t allowed to just be ‘out’ after dark, for instance. Which is early this time of year. They can be somewhere specific - friends house - cinema - pop to the shop, but not just out wandering) but it works for us and is informed my mine and DHs own experiences.

For my part, my DM was far, far too overprotective. Think telling me when I can/can’t go out at 17 years old: ludicrous behaviour tbh. I ended up pregnant by an abusive arsehole 8 years older than me and stuck in a violent relationship, alone. Desperation for freedom often leads to attempts to find or create it any way possible. I’m just as conscious that I want to avoid my children feeling that way. I’m fine now, and have taught myself coping strategies for me anxiety and overthinking. DH wasn’t parented at all at that age and he’s even more fucked up than me.

I think my parents went beyond ''overprotective'' and simply became controlling and manipulative which was for their own benefit rather than some misplaced concerns about my safety and it caused me incredible long term damage.

I never did any kind of activity as a child and as a teenager. No sport, no holiday. Never dated anyone until I was 21. I was simple used as a constant companion for my mother who decided what I could say, think, wear, claim to know what I liked and disliked and she had planned my entire future including what I would study and the job I would get. I was never allowed to grow up and develop normally.

As a result I was shy, paralysed by fear and unable to stand up for myself and interact with people normally. I had no sense of who I was. Which led to bullying at school too and me being prey to dodgy men as I became older.

When I tried to decide what I wanted to study at university my mother intercepted my acceptance letters and told me I had been rejected (a lie). She would have hysterics and even feign fainting spells if I dared said I was unhappy to go to the university and do the course of her choice.

Looking back now as an adult I can see that this controlling behaviour had just descended into madness.

I had a nervous breakdown by the time I was 20 and finally left home but it took years to gain almost normal social skills, self-confidence and be able to interact better in the outside world. I literally had to move to a different country to cut off the negative influence my parents had on me.

I spent most of my 20s in therapy and fighting depression. Even later in life It continue to affect my ability to make close relationships, my view of my body and there was a lot of self-destructive behaviour that took a long time to leave behind.

Someone we know is doing this to their children.
It’s all stemmed from fear of Covid but has turned into, what I believe is, emotional abuse.

DC taken out of school in 2020 and not allowed any physical contact with peers. Homeschooled but no attending groups or meet ups.
Eldest is a teen and it’s heartbreaking to imagine her so socially isolated with no friends.

She had a lovely friendship group but her contact with them has fizzled out and her parents are the type to restrict the breadth of her knowledge (no proper sex or relationship education) so the only humans she’s interacted with in over TWO YEARS are her younger siblings and parents.

Parents don’t work so also have no outside influences or friends. It’s like they’re living in a bunker.

I’m in no doubt that great mental and emotional damage is being done to this poor child but the parents believe they’re doing the right thing ‘protecting’ younger disabled sibling from Covid ☹️

We had a new employee start a few months ago and she was in her mid 20s. We sent her on a training course that required her to drive or travel by train - expenses paid of course. The day before she told us that she was very upset as had no idea where she was going or how to get there. We were surprised but looked at the address, a map and train times with her. Later, her mum called to tell us it was ridiculous that she had to travel unaccompanied. I fear these babied young people are only going to become more prevalent.

@Mummadeze I was amazed to discover how anxious my adult daughter was and says she has always been. She always appears to be so laid back, but does express over-worry about any family who are travelling - this is the only external indicator.

I've wracked my memories for any signs of her anxiety from her childhood, and how and why my parenting could be responsible, but her siblings aren't at all like that, and I have also slowly come to suspect she has autism to some degree. I now think that the anxiety in her case is strongly symptomatic of that autism; I'm not a medical professional, so perhaps if not it is just a personality trait. {I am not saying that all anxious people = a diagnosis of autism.} We talk a lot and she explains to me what is really going on in her head so we manage it as well as we possibly can within our relationship and have become much closer as a result.

What I am trying to say is that perhaps your daughter was just born an anxious person and it is entirely independent of your parenting.