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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how the kids of very overprotective parents turned out?

142 replies

Uncleebz · 13/10/2022 09:25

To be honest I can see the pros and cons (don’t have kids myself) of insulating your children from risk. However, my friend has a son who’s 14 and the rules he has are insane (eg not allowed to go anywhere on his own with friends unless accompanied by an adult). It got me thinking do you know any adults who were very overprotected as a kid (or are you one) how did it work out for them? What are they like now as adults?

OP posts:
MadWorId · 13/10/2022 17:28

My mother constantly told me that I'd amount to nothing so I'd be better off just accepting I was a 'homebody'. I was told that ambition was unfeminine. That I would never hold down a job because I wasn't made that way. She said holidays weren't for the likes of me when I told her I wanted to travel when I was older, also cars weren't safe and only for rich stupid people. I've still never been on holiday or learned to drive.

She kept me and my brother home from school for weeks on end - the education officer was always knocking on the door. She told school we were sickly and had every bug going when there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. Again she denied this later and said she always sent us to school, if we skived it wasn't her fault - but she always walked us to school, right up until I was 16, so she knew full well we hadn't gone. She was often 'out walking' past school at hometime when I was in sixth form too. Imagine being 17 and your mum walking you home from school.

But I digress... I believe now that the whole 'you'll never have a job/husband/life' was a way of demeaning me and making me believe I was a lost cause, so I'd stay with her.

I do think it affected me more than I realised for a long time and definitely had far reaching consequences. I'm in my late 40s now and have no friends or family (mum and dad are both long dead and I've not had contact with any wider family for years. DB and I haven't spoken for years either and aren't likely to again). I was divorced twice by the age of 26 and all my relationships until I met DH were abusive in some way. As a PP said, I had no boundaries and didn't know what was normal. And I was always so ridiculously grateful that someone wanted me - it didn't matter if they treated me like shit.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2022 17:37

My friend was very overprotective of her both her son and daughter, but especially her daughter. They're in their 30s now and her DS is absolutely fearless, confident, and has made and followed his own career path. Her DD is fearful, lacks confidence, and is stymied in her career because she feels that everything about her employment should be completely safe and risk free.

I think how a child turns out has more to do with their innate personality.

AssumingDirectControl · 13/10/2022 18:19

I was wrapped in cotton wool, never allowed out with friends even to the park over the road until I was around 15.

It messed me up socially. I simply had no social skills, which in turn led to bullying and self harm. I was actively suicidal in my early teens. I was too afraid to go to university although I had offers, I took a safe office job instead of the trainee lawyer position I was offered, and when I hit 18 I took stupid risks and slept with people in dodgy situations just to feel wanted and doing what I thought “normal” people did.

Now in middle age I’m emotionally healthy and settled, but it caused me massive issues for years.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 18:53

So I don’t think we should give too much credit to our childhoods for how we turn out 😬

I really agree with this. It is so easy to look back and attribute everything to parenting, but the truth is more complex. Barring extreme experiences, we are who we are, to a great extent.

antelopevalley · 13/10/2022 19:09

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2022 17:37

My friend was very overprotective of her both her son and daughter, but especially her daughter. They're in their 30s now and her DS is absolutely fearless, confident, and has made and followed his own career path. Her DD is fearful, lacks confidence, and is stymied in her career because she feels that everything about her employment should be completely safe and risk free.

I think how a child turns out has more to do with their innate personality.

I think parenting can nurture or help children overcome personality traits. So someone naturally anxious can be made more anxious by parenting or taught how to manage anxiety.

Fallingasleepanywhere · 13/10/2022 19:11

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 18:53

So I don’t think we should give too much credit to our childhoods for how we turn out 😬

I really agree with this. It is so easy to look back and attribute everything to parenting, but the truth is more complex. Barring extreme experiences, we are who we are, to a great extent.

I dont attribute everything to my dm being overprotective.
But theres no denying the harm it did either.
You miss social cues,making friends,keeping friends.
Bounderies,how to read situations.

Like its hard to know social situations when older if you didnt experience them when younger.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 19:27

You miss social cues,making friends,keeping friends.Bounderies,how to read situations.

If a child is kept at home and not allowed go to school, this could happen. But if a child is going to school day in day out for at least 10 years, most will use the opportunity to do all the things above (barring neglect, abuse etc).

antelopevalley · 13/10/2022 19:28

Being with kids when there are adults around ready to intervene is different from being with kids without that intervention.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 19:39

If my recollection of secondary school is correct, there are many social interactions where no adult is remotely present Grin

murmuration · 13/10/2022 19:51

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 19:39

If my recollection of secondary school is correct, there are many social interactions where no adult is remotely present Grin

See, I was going to say the opposite. I remember talking with other kids in primary. By secondary we had a 20 minute lunch break where no one sat with the weird kid who never was allowed to do anything outside of school, and a 10 minute break which was barely enough time to make it to your locker and swap out books. One quarter I had an art class where I got to speak to other kids. I really liked it. But I wasn’t allowed to continue art as it wasn’t educational enough or something for my parents.

murmuration · 13/10/2022 19:53

murmuration · 13/10/2022 19:51

See, I was going to say the opposite. I remember talking with other kids in primary. By secondary we had a 20 minute lunch break where no one sat with the weird kid who never was allowed to do anything outside of school, and a 10 minute break which was barely enough time to make it to your locker and swap out books. One quarter I had an art class where I got to speak to other kids. I really liked it. But I wasn’t allowed to continue art as it wasn’t educational enough or something for my parents.

Fuck. It has literally just occurred to me that maybe they made me stop art because I got to talk to other kids for a whole hour?

Fallingasleepanywhere · 13/10/2022 20:05

murmuration · 13/10/2022 19:51

See, I was going to say the opposite. I remember talking with other kids in primary. By secondary we had a 20 minute lunch break where no one sat with the weird kid who never was allowed to do anything outside of school, and a 10 minute break which was barely enough time to make it to your locker and swap out books. One quarter I had an art class where I got to speak to other kids. I really liked it. But I wasn’t allowed to continue art as it wasn’t educational enough or something for my parents.

By secondary we had a 20 minute lunch break where no one sat with the weird kid who never was allowed to do anything outside of school,

That was/is me im still the weird kid deep down.

GeorgeorRuth · 13/10/2022 20:29

I was a 70s child brought up by a wonderful grandmother, but..she was a strange mix of contradictions. From 8 or 9 we walked the mile to school, rode bikes, played out. As I said on another thread I had the confidence to go to a cafe and buy a drink and cake.
The flip side was not allowed to use knives until I was well into adulthood , no concept of any danger from strangers. Struggled to assess risk, no climbing to the top of a climbing frame..we might fall.
I have only ever travelled on a train on my one once. I have no idea how to book a flight.
University wasn't even a discussion. I wouldn't have had the confidence anyway.
My social skills even now aren't that great. I'm either over the top or deeply unsure of myself.

theresastormcoming · 13/10/2022 21:02

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Kitkatcatflap · 13/10/2022 21:24

School friend is over protective - and her children were kept on a tight leash, not allowed to go on playdates (you can't trust people), not allowed class parties, not allowed to go on school over night school trips (too far if anything happens). Never had sleepovers with friends.

Our friendship group were very 'you wait, they will rebel'. When they kick out they will be wild. I remember thinking how 'young' them seemed compared to their peers. The eldest went to a local university, so she could live at home and commute in. She has finished university, 24, an intern but still living at home. She is a delightful girl, she seems well balanced and is close to her parents. She doesn't seem resentful at all. She has a boyfriend and they have been on holiday and weekends away but he is not allowed to stay over. Her sister is still at school but her life is as strict as her sister's was - time will tell with her.

caroleanboneparte · 14/10/2022 07:24

Mine weren't overprotective, they didn't care, were lax with safety but had very strict rules. 10.30 bedtime until I left home, no boyfriend in room as an adult, virtually no socialising.

I went on a huge partying spree at uni and had the time of my life!

Wasted the studying/learning opportunity.

Someone from school had an anxious DM. Think having to drink from plastic cups instead of glass. She's middle aged and has never been properly independent. Serial monogamist. Lived with mum til 30 ish. Then mum bought her house. She can only work p/time due to her own anxiety. Didn't learn to drive. Too scared to travel. Very small life. It's difficult to separate what if that is being genetically like her mum and what is learned behaviour.

Feelinglikeachange22 · 14/10/2022 07:40

I was over protected. I feel quite angry most of the time ans I think my physical skill sets are less than they would have been. I alao became very rebellious aged 14 and left home as soon as I could at 16.

I am trying to get the balance right with my own children. It's quite tricky.

Feelinglikeachange22 · 14/10/2022 08:44

It's really hard to be a parent and to get the balance right. I'm sure my DS thinks I'm too overprotective on some things (eg I refused to let him watch squid games at age 8 although his friends watched it) but I try really hard to give him his independence and help to navigate the world.

I wouldn't let my 10 year old watch squid games or stranger things season 4. I don't think that's being overprotective. That's not being negligent!

MargaretThursday · 14/10/2022 09:33

My dm was overprotective but not to an extreme.

There were things that did effect me socially.
One being at primary school most of the children (in each year joined up in the evening and went round in a group into each other's houses and then drifted home as it got dark/bedtime. I was rarely allowed, and even if I was it was on a "well you can go to X's house, but no others" so I'd go, then they'd want to move on and I'd have to go home.
It meant that socially the rest of my peers spent all evening together so naturally I was the outsider because I didn't have that interaction. I'd find jokes had been made, ideas planned etc that I just didn't know about. I wasn't too bad at working round it, and either pretending someone had already told me or getting them to tell me and being very flatteringly impressed.
Tbf I think if we'd had mobile phones, she would probably have been more lax.

The other one was no going in other parent's cars. I'm talking about by arrangement, not taking an unexpected lift, which is fair enough. That meant she either volunteered to do the driving (eg to a sports' match) or I was taken on my own. So I'd always be the one in the front separated from the giggles in the back, or arriving separately having missed out on the bonding on the way there.
She also would give us a lift rather than have us take the bus. Which my friends at secondary often thought was great, but did mean could only go if she was available to take me. Actually I think I'd have enjoyed sometimes being allowed to bus.

I think it effected me in some ways less than my siblings in the long run. However I don't think either of my siblings were particularly affected at the time because they weren't very social and I don't think particularly wanted to go off with their year group or go to things in others' cars. They didn't want to do stuff that I did. But I have noticed with both of them that they don't pick up social things very well. Would they have gone out and learnt if dm hadn't been overprotective? Don't know.

How has it changed me? I still feel a grain of naughtiness when I'm out alone after dark Grin as that was definitely a no go. I've made an effort with my children not to let my worry stop them doing things unless it clearly is unreasonable. I do very easily feel on the outside of a group, but I think that's personality rather than anything else.

SpookyWookyBoo · 14/10/2022 13:03

It's really hard to be a parent and to get the balance right. I'm sure my DS thinks I'm too overprotective on some things (eg I refused to let him watch squid games at age 8 although his friends watched it) but I try really hard to give him his independence and help to navigate the world.

That's not the same thing at all.
You're trying to be age appropriate which is a good thing.

Keep going the way you are

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 15:19

I remember allowing DD to walk down the road to her friend's house without me when she was 7. What she didn't know was that as soon as she turned the corner I raced down the road to watch her.

Two weeks later Shannon Matthews disappeared (We don't live that far from Dewsbury) and it was back to accompanying DD everywhere until we knew what had happened.

The first bit of encouraging your DC to be independent is hard, but it gets easier.

AnotherSuperHeroe · 16/10/2022 06:41

I was an only child until my teens

wasnt allowed out to play etc and it was a very lonely and isolating childhood as we didn’t do much on weekends (mom was always sleeping due to her night work) I was one of those that hated the thoughts of being at home as my environment was negative and toxic - great stuff

mrsmarmalade12 · 16/10/2022 06:44

My parents never allowed anything, so I just lied. I knew before I asked it would be a no, so instead I just did it anyway in a fabricated way. As a result, it put me in situations I had no way out of as I couldn't ring and ask for a lift/help etc and fess up to the lie.

We slotted in with their lives, they never changed theirs for children so now I completely overcompensate for that with my own and probably over fill it with activity.

AGapInTheMarket · 16/10/2022 07:14

My ex-husband grew up with narcissistic police officer for a father who was extremely overbearing and controlling. It taught my ex to lie, lie and lie. Ex is a people pleaser and very plausible on the surface but is desperately insecure and anxious underneath. He has struggled with addiction because he is unable to deal with the realities of life, including the reality that his father is an abusive bully, not a loving father.
I tried really hard to support him for many years but he wasn’t able to break the habits formed in childhood - needing everyone to think well of him, and lying through his teeth to prevent anyone seeing the truth. It ended with him psychotic and dangerous and I’m sure the way he was parented was a massive factor in his undoing.

Peachspangle · 16/10/2022 07:18

I know someone like this, her dm was manic about keeping her spotlessly clean. Giving her continual wipe-downs every minute or so in the high chair whilst she was trying to learn food & eating. Never letting her get dirty in the garden. The adult dd now has moderately severe OCD.

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