To ask how the kids of very overprotective parents turned out?

[Uncleebz]

To be honest I can see the pros and cons (don’t have kids myself) of insulating your children from risk. However, my friend has a son who’s 14 and the rules he has are insane (eg not allowed to go anywhere on his own with friends unless accompanied by an adult). It got me thinking do you know any adults who were very overprotected as a kid (or are you one) how did it work out for them? What are they like now as adults?

Friends raised their kids like this - hobbies decided for them (usually those fitting an image and run by friends) and no other clubs or activities, no real trips anywhere, not allowed out to parties with friends past 10.30, even at 17/18 and with other adults present.

As was predicted, eldest went completely off the rails as soon as they got to Uni - drink, drugs, smoking, one night stands via tinder, the whole thing, all in the first few weeks, and it isn't improving years down the line. Youngest throws temper tantrums a lot, far past an acceptable age, because they can't cope at all with things that don't go their way, and are scared of their own shadow with no tolerance for anything slightly difficult. They've absolutely (also predictably) picked up loads of worrying social media trends, and high school has been a real shock.

It does kids no favours being kept like hothouse flowers. The world isn't kind, and they need gradual exposure to that to develop the strategies and ability to cope with it.

So not really fine then.

I wouldn't say my partner's parents were overprotective as such but they were really anxious in general and he's definitely inherited that. He often thinks everyone, eg tradesmen or colleagues, are out to get him. He knows it's silly but an entire childhood of having that mindset reinforced is really hard to break free of.

I think this is an important point.

Like everything, moderation and gradual transfer of responsibility are key.

My DPs were far more engaged and involved than a lot of my friends' parents but not in a restrictive way. They were interested, available to me and clearly wanted me to feel safe and supported. They cared enough to have the argument about where I was going and who with. It would have been easier to be permissive and just say yes to everything...I grew up completely secure in the knowledge that I was loved and had their back up whenever I needed it. I had a nest to fly from. They gradually gave me more freedom but never withdrew their interest.

DH grew up in a family where the adults were too busy or involved in their own work/life/worries/addictions to either know or care where he and siblings were, nor did they have the time or inclination to give lifts etc. It was not a happy upbringing and much of what he got up to with his peers while unsupervised was not fun but dangerous. He is far more anxious than me!

It's all about balance.

Had a friend in high school who grew up with very religious overbearing parents, she wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING. She went completely wild in university, drink, drugs, risky sex. Multiple abortions (no judgement on those, but they were a symptom of her dangerous behaviour), multiple hospitalisations, overdoses, all sorts. Really went fully off the rails as soon as she had an inch of freedom.

At 22 she got off her tree on Mescaline at a house party and wandered into a road, got hit by a car. Complications of surgery after the accident left her permanently disabled.

She's 34 now and only just starting to put her life back together. She's a lovely woman, but a lot of damage was done by the 4-5 year period of rebellion.

She's a horror story, of course. Lots of them turn out ok. But I do think you're risking your child going completely wild by giving them absolutely no freedom to make mistakes when they're young.

In a nutshell - crippling anxiety, zero social skills and my entire life feels like the first five minutes of an episode of 'Casualty'.

My parents were incredibly strict and restrictive and had an endless list of rules like no music, no socialising, no internet, no extracurriculars that were not pre approved by them. They had very high expectations.
So I grew up learning from very young how to lie to my parents and how to play a character.
They had no reason to doubt that I was shy and quiet and studious and was incredibly well behaved, they are very proud of me.
They had no reason to be suspicious but I lied about everything.
I changed the contact details for my parents at school so it all went through a seperate phone and I forwarded the innocuous ones onto them. My parents believed that was the number for the school so all communications they had with school went through me.
My parents never knew who my actual friends were or what I got up to, they did not even know what A-levels I actually took. Everything was curated and neat.
I wasn't even naturally rebellious or wanting to be badly behaved. I still got good grades and never got into trouble, I just wanted normal things like being able to be in the school play or to walk home with friends or occasionaly have a fanta. But they were so over the top- all of my normal interactions had to be secret and difficult.

As an adult I think I am mostly normal because the life I kept hidden from my parents was really great and well rounded- I have always had good friends and I have a job I love, in a city I love, I have a wonderful husband and brilliant kids and its all good.
But they will never know about it and thats hard, especially as they think we have a good relationship and that they were good parents.
They only know about my husband and children because that is not something I was willing to hide, but that is probably the only real part of me that they have seen since I was around 8 years old.

My DM was a product of over-protective parents, and rules that didn't make sense. Having to be home earlier than others from parties (in her late teens) which meant she had to walk miles home alone in the dark instead of coming back with others. Not being able to take part in school productions or sports teams as she had to stay at home and do her chores. I think they were anxious parents with a dose of "not getting above your station" and "girls should not be doing...x, y or z". This was 1940s and 1950s. I'm sure WW2 added to that. Also she experienced her little brother, ten years younger, having much more relaxed rules applied to him.

She couldn't wait to get away from home and like lots of people of that generation married fairly young to get some freedom from parental control.

So then towards me she very much didn't want to be that sort of parent. She stood up for me against my DF in my teens when he otherwise could have been more controlling.

I still think they were a little overprotective, perhaps being an only child. Not in not letting me do things but perhaps over-emphasising the danger in things sometimes which caused anxiety.

I'm a fairly laid-back parent (I hope).

My nephew was one of these kids. Insane levels of protection. At 17 years old he climbed out of his parents window and couchsurfed with friends. He never went back to live at his parents.
I was really worried about him as he had zero experience of managing risk. But he seemed to have great friends who looked after him. He is fine now with his own children. His relationship with his parents exists but is shaky.

I had a relative who, together with his wife, were incredibly rigid in how their children could behave e.g. clothes folded in a particular way by the children each day, beds were inspected every morning before s hook, how they sat at the table, how they slept ( yes, they policed that) what they ate. I always said they’d rebel, go wild at Uni or become school refusers. No, both got Firsts at Uni, great jobs where they moved up the ladder quickly. The son actually became a single dad to his very young daughter as his wife died when she was only 30/31. His sister had a great sense of humour, did leave her steady job and went off to become something a bit risky like a sky diving instructor but as far as I could see they were both really nice people. Of course, later they may have reverted to similar parenting.

I went off the rails and took a lot of drugs in my early 20s. I then moved halfway across the world.

I think it is important to let children take minor risks, and to cope within the problems which ensue if you get it wrong. I remember being warned not to go near the edge of ponds , but I was allowed out with my ten year old cousin when I was eight to play in Bushey Park, quite a wild environment in those years. Of course I thought I could reach the lily that was floating on the surface of the pool,big splash, cousin pulled me out dripping ( I found a water snail in my pocket when I got home so not without profit). I didn’t go near the edge next time.

A lady who worked for me had a daughter who was very protected, she was never allowed to wander around a park for example without adult company (supervision). She was horrified when I told her the lily story ‘ you could have drowned’ well, maybe but it was only three feet deep, I could swim and I didn’t drown.

Her daughter went on a gap year, of course one of those rather expensive highly organised social improvement trips. While she was there , she decided to go white water rafting with a very dodgy outfit. The raft overturned and she was tragically killed.

She had no ability to assess risk , because she had never been exposed to it.

Anxiety and depression, social anxiety, cripllingly low self esteem.
I went totally off the rails at uni and in my 20s, binge drinking, lots of one night stands.
I've never really fulfilled my early potential, and in my late 50s I'm finally having counselling to try and address my issues.
And an over protective parent turned me into a liar too.

Similar story for me - anxiety, depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, low self esteem, no social skills, failure to be a proper adult.

I had overprotective parents who were strict due to religion. So no going out in my teens, went to university but would have to text when I got there/left for home. They weren't risk averse, but had lots of rules. I had a friend in school who's mum allowed her to smoke at home (we were about 14) and I thought she was the height of a cool parent.
I've turned out OK, so has my sibling and I'm pretty much the same with my dc as my parents were with me. I look back at the 'cool' parent now and think she was awful!

This. My SIL had a very over-protective mother who wouldn't let her do anything she deemed "risky", to the point of not being able to climb climbing frames, etc.

She is a wonderful, lovely person, but is terrified of so much. Frightened of going on a plane to the point that her children have never been abroad, won't go on any rides in fairs or theme parks and actively tells her own children not to go on them, etc, so she's in danger of passing on her anxiety to her own children. One of the kids is showing signs of anxiety and the other started out as a total daredevil but is now starting to change.

My BIL is not the same so tries to show that things are fine, but the kids seeing their Mum's fear is rubbing off on them. It's better when my SIL isn't around as BIL is able to encourage them to be a bit more adventurous (while still not dangerous).

It's really hard to be a parent and to get the balance right. I'm sure my DS thinks I'm too overprotective on some things (eg I refused to let him watch squid games at age 8 although his friends watched it) but I try really hard to give him his independence and help to navigate the world.

It made me deceitful and resentful.

When you know the answer will be 'no' there is no point asking for permission, so just do it behind your parent's back.

I spent as much time away from my mother as possible.

I spent most of my VI form time wandering around town, had the odd trip to the next town along.

I didn't know how to deal with normal situations or what normal boundaries were.

But it made me independent. I've not moved abroad but I have lived in different parts of the country and I've travelled on my own.

Hmmm. As a SOcial worker I've worked with both ends of the spectrum.

I've seen kids turn out wonderfully after having far too much freedom, and then turn out with many mental health/attachment issues.
I've seen kids turn out wonderfully under the care of very protective parents, and then the opposite have seen anxious/children with mh needs.

It's too simplistic a divide to make, depends on all other factors and experiences imo.

Apologies for all the grammar/typos! Phone is playing up 😖

My husbands family is like this. On the whole he is fine. But he is underneath quite an anxious and stressed person.

His brother who has high functioning autism has cut himself off from his parents. I couldn’t comment on the whole story as I have never met his brother.

My son has a couple of friends with overprotective parents. One is refusing to go to uni as he doesn't think he can cope living away from home. The other is so heavily-regulated that if he comes over to hang out with his mates, his mother will text me to say he can only have one alcoholic drink and that if he wants more, I have to call her!! Like I'm sitting their monitoring a bunch of 18-year olds. Of course, he's the one in any situation who is getting smashed out of his skull while everyone else drinks generally in moderation.

Regarding anxiety, I do think that our children take our queue from us. If they see us scared about the world, they will think it's something to be scared of.

My Mum was extremely over protective. Even checked on me in my sleep until left home at 19. She saw her brother die when he was a baby and had quite severe mental health problems. These things impacted how she acted quite a lot.

I had a quiet rebellion. My life is very different from the one she planned for me. I have no clue why, but it’s not impacted me hugely. I did move out young (19) and got my own place and made my own space. Once I moved out I put boundaries in place to stop communicating her risk assessments to me. I made my own decisions. For a while I did have to think very carefully about my thought processes.

With my kids, I am more a ‘give them the information and hope they make good choices’. I gave them as much autonomy as I could, for the age they were. Dd is 18 and it’s worked out so far. Ds is 12 and it’s working out.

Dbro hasn’t done so well. Wasn’t self sufficient at all. Struggles in any professional setting, often couldn’t make a decision at all as he spent so much time trying to work out what’s best. He ended up being a stay at home dad which seems to have improved the situation, though I think he is very overly cautious with his kids and I can see that it’s impacted the oldest one.

I was listening to the SMA podcast the other day and they made reference to the fact that it was the girls whose parents were too overprotective re boys (not allowing them in their house, etc) that were the ones that were shagging around, more than the ones whose parents allowed them to have their boyfriends over.

I remember when I was a teenager (16-17) and some of my mates were meeting up in a park to drink cheap WKD's and cider. They asked another of my friends to join them and she replied "nah, you're alright thanks - my Mum lets me have some decent alcohol at home, so there's no point in me freezing my tits off on a bench drinking that cheap shite"!

As the PP who is a social worker said, there's examples of each end of the scale no matter whether a parent is overprotective, or not protective enough.

Crippling anxiety, which my mother has and instilled in me. Let her put me off things like going to uni, travelling, stayed near to her so she wouldn't have to worry about me. Went off the rails as a teenager and spent the next 15 years binge drinking to manage my anxiety, being exploited by older men and trashing my life being a drunken mess. None of which actually bothered my mum as she only likes to worry about what MIGHT happen not what is actually happening. Now she has turned her anxiety to my 2 year old and I get a constant dripdripdrip of 'do you really think she ought to be doing/eating/having that'. It gives me the absolute rage thinking what she made me miss out on and how my life could have turned out if she had instilled confidence not fear into me and hell will freeze over before I let her affect my daughter in the same way. She basically tries to control my choices so that they cause her minimal anxiety.

I was one of those kids. I have anxiety and am desperate not to repeat history with my own daughter!