To ask how the kids of very overprotective parents turned out?

[Uncleebz]

To be honest I can see the pros and cons (don’t have kids myself) of insulating your children from risk. However, my friend has a son who’s 14 and the rules he has are insane (eg not allowed to go anywhere on his own with friends unless accompanied by an adult). It got me thinking do you know any adults who were very overprotected as a kid (or are you one) how did it work out for them? What are they like now as adults?

The most overbearing parent I know/knew was DH's uncle. He's dead now, but his two sons, both in their 50s, still live at home with their mum.

The most overbearing parent from my DC's peer group currently has one DD who has gone NC with her, one who is planning to move away as soon as she can, and one who is selling weed.

One very strict and controlling parent (mum) and one very laid back parent. I rebelled at 15 and the laid back parent actively helped/covered up (they lived together). Lots of unsuitable relationships, drinking far too much, some drugs. Calmed down in my 20s after a traumatic incident saw me hospitalised and later diagnosed with ptsd.

Still suffer from anxiety in new situations but am a mostly functioning adult who has travelled considerably, has multiple degrees, a job and a family.

My mum only allowed me to sleep in my own bed when I turned 14. Alcohol was a no go, boys not allowed in the house at all
I went off the rails, got blazing drunk every single night, took a lot of drugs, ended up in an abusive relationship as I thought that someone who was over protective was the right quality, ended up becoming a teen mum.

I'm in my late 20s now, I'm riddled with anxiety. Don't have a successful career, I'm not close to my parents at all which saddens me

I know a few who I've known since secondary school. Turned out fine generally, apart from 1 who is really anxious all the time, went from controlling parents to controlling abusive men, and worked out very late how to pay bills etc as parent used to control bank accounts to "help" as a teen and just never stopped, well til I kept dropping hints about how nice it would be for her to control her own wages.

It's the whole nature vs nurture thing isn't it? Being raised a certain way doesn't guarantee anything. I know people who had the opposite of controlling parents who still ended up similarly to the one I mentioned above.

As someone with an overbearing mother it really ruins your life.
Having to be in at 6 at night at age 15 was awful.
I had no friends because I didn't know how to make them.
Something that's still very prevelent today.

I think not being allowed to make mistakes and not being allowed to make decisions makes adult life very hard.

The final straw for me was at 18 I went out with my bf,and came back to my DM incandescent with rage.
Because I went out without her permission.

She slapped me across the face but that was the last straw.
I just done my own thing from then on.

I let boys treat me terribly because i'd never been allowed to meet them, have a boyfriend in an innocent teenage way etc. so I had no boundaries

This really resonates.

I could have written a lot of these. Especially the one about where the mum was waiting outside looking in. She even used to come and sit inside my dancing class and then critique my performance on the way home. I had no autonomy and was frequently told, 'you can't do that.' Every bit of independence from what clothes I wore to what music I listened to was hard won. I went to university not knowing how to cook, shop, use a washing machine or catch a bus. She even came along to the 1st day and got kicked out.

I did rebel against her rules and expectations but I do feel that I am able to assess risks. Unlike my brother who is in piles of debt, addiction and completely unable to function without my parents.

My MIL is like this and DP doesn't get on with her. Him and his sibling grew up terrified of the world (SIL would take MIL to job interviews with her, couldn't watch her own DC have jabs as she'd sob). SIL children just the same. MIL makes comments about DS eating dangerously 🙄. I had talked about DS walking and how I'll take him to run around. MIL was horrified and kept telling me that DS will fall over. I acknowledged that he would but that he'd learn to get back up. Now if he does fall over unless he's hurt himself, he won't cry. If he does cry, a quick cuddle and he's fine.

Yet another who went off the rails a bit as a later teen and got very skilled at lying to my parents. I couldn't wait to get away at 18 and basically didn't speak to my parents for months on end. I calmed down after university and have carried some risk aversion (I think this is inherited rather than instilled) but I am not that close to my parents now. I'm determined to find a happy medium with my kids.

Same.

It’s a balancing act isn’t it.

If more people would insist on keeping their teens under supervision, we’d have fewer gangs and the social issues.

I don't know anyone who was brought up like this but DDs 14 year old best friend is being raised like this. She's riddled with anxiety and whatever the therapist suggests, doesn't get implemented as the mum won't let her. Sadly the friendship is sizzling out as she's not allowed to do anything unless closely supervised by an adult. I'm not about to do that to DD.

The two I knew (brother and sister in the same family) never went through the important business of making friends as teens, and never had deep, lasting friendships as adults. It really hobbled them in later life as you can imagine.

They were really only comfortable with other people in highly structured environments, never opened up about problems or feelings. The sister married her first boyfriend, who looked good on paper but turned out to be abusive, and she put up with it for years before a neighbour called police and brought matters to a head. The brother joined the submarine service.

OP you do realise that everyone is different? You can’t generalise.

Yep there was always one or two people at uni who just went a bit wild, didn’t know their limits with alcohol and had no prior experience with being independent at all which is all a bad recipe!

of course it’s a balancing act but it’s silly to treat a 17-year-old like a small child, be really strict, track their every move if you know they are months away from living independently at uni. Parents job is to help them prepare for that.

I could have written almost all of this post!

But, my parents were not at all protective - from age 13 I could stay out as long as I wanted, sleepover where I wanted (no checks 👀), was drinking in the park and smoking dodgy fags by age 15, sleeping with random strangers met at parties by age 17. But, the rest of my life turned out the same as this post.

So I don’t think we should give too much credit to our childhoods for how we turn out 😬

Some of these stories are abuse, not overprotective parents 😔

Long story short I no longer speak to them.

Dd had a friend like this. The girl was nice but i found it such a relief when she moved and I didn't have to deal with the exhausting parents any more.

I wasn’t, but a friend and classmate of my daughter was. Lovely, lovely parents but so overprotective. I’ve known her since she was 5.
It’impossible to know if they are linked but despite getting a degree in a good subject, she struggles with working full time and has very poor (diagnosed) mental health problems.

My parents were the opposite.
I literally had no rules and was basically feral.

Because of this I know how dangerous life (and men) can be and I will admit I am pretty overprotective of my own child now.

I am not strict but I do worry if she goes out with friends and I don’t know where she is etc but she is also autistic so she’s a very trusting and can be naive.

I am making a conscious effort to loosen the reins though now she is 14.

@CarefreeMe that's really interesting. I was the same. Me and my siblings were feral. I'm not too protective but I do want to know where DD14 is going, I don't like her walking around aimlessly after school etc. I prefer she doesn't carry cash and she isn't allowed her phone in bed. I feel like I was exposed to so much so soon and I want to protect her and make sure she has a childhood for as long as possible.
She does have a friend with super strict parents and that poor child is not allowed to do anything. Her parents have installed some nanny cam on her phone and they can see who texts her what etc. It's insane.

I ended up incredibly anxious, overestimating risk, thought I couldn’t cope on my own. 6 months of therapy sorted it

A poor girl I know has left school with not one qualification (mainly because her mum liked her being at home) and works at the cafe her mum works at. Has hardly any social life as friends have stopped asking her to go out as it was always a no or she was embarrassed with her Mum or dad taking her and picking her up early. I think it’s abusive as this child has no idea of the real world because she has been so protected over everything. I also doubt she will ever move out and live her life as they all live with the mums parents. Very weird setup.

I sometimes wonder if some of the parents on a Facebook page I follow have been over protective. Their DC are at university and a fair few aren't coping at all, and neither are their student DC.