Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my kid shouldn't be concerned by her looks

86 replies

34and3 · 13/10/2022 07:51

Dd1 is 12, year 8. Every morning for school she straightens her hair and puts on layers of mascara as well as some concealer. She's almost obsessive with her appearance and it's worrying me. For context her friends do similar. They're in the "cool" group - or so they think are! We've talked about not being a sheep, being yourself etc etc. She's my first so I don't know if I'm responding to this properly. She's in a mixed independent school whereas I went to an all girls so I just didn't care.

Aibu? Is this just "normal"?

OP posts:
DesignerRecliner · 13/10/2022 07:52

This is how I was in secondary school and I grew up normal and without any 'issues'. As long as she's happy and comfortable then let her crack on with it

SleeplessInEngland · 13/10/2022 07:53

If you manage to combine a 12 yo girl that looks aren’t important then congratulations, perhaps you can world peace next.

SleeplessInEngland · 13/10/2022 07:53

*convince, not combine!

Galaktoboureko · 13/10/2022 07:54

Well, she's almost a teenager.

Vulpine · 13/10/2022 07:55

Only one of my kids is like this, I think it's more of a personality trait than anything else and one she did not inherit from me!

Spicycurry · 13/10/2022 07:55

I suppose it is good she is popular.

Sandysandwich · 13/10/2022 07:58

Sounds pretty normal
And mascara and concealer are fairly minor anyway - quite different from lipstick and eyeshadow

TheSausageKingofChicago · 13/10/2022 08:00

Pretty standard I think.

I’d make sure you encourage her to keep up with other hobbies and interests and keep an eye on her social media. Show her inspiring women who do cool stuff that isn’t all about looking good on Instagram - artists, sportswomen, musicians. Take her places.
Keep her horizons wider than the screen of her phone basically.

OoooohMatron · 13/10/2022 08:02

Maybe she is being herself though? Plenty of women like make up and want to look nice, it's not a bad thing. As long as she's not a mean girl to those who don't then I don't think you have a problem.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2022 08:02

Many girls are like this and many are not. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it anyway.
My 12 yo is like this - she says her mind feels happy is she knows her clothes look good. No make up yet, but will (pointlessly imo but it matters to her) match her earring colour to her socks etc
My 14yo is not - she went to town the other day in her thick socks, crocs, and jogging bottoms. She can't give a shit. Love that about her cos there doesn't seem to be too many of them.

Hearthnhome · 13/10/2022 08:03

My dd is 18 so my knowledge of what 12 year old girls are doing is a bit out of date. Though I do have a 13 year old niece

My experience is that it depends on their friendship group. Dd and her friends weren’t overly bothered by make up. But would all do their hair. Some of my friends dds who were in the same year did. I can only advise keep trying to build her confidence and focus on things away from her looks. So make sure you mention her academic achievements or achievements in hobbies, as examples.

My niece is definitely very concerned with looks. To the point it’s a concern and she has to be pulled off FB due to the photos she was posting.

But I don’t think anything you can do can make her just wake up and not be concerned by her looks. I would lay off keep talking about she shouldn’t be obsessed with her looks and focus on other things that she does well in.

ShippingNews · 13/10/2022 08:07

Why do you want to change who she is, though ? You didn't care about looks at that age, ok, but she isn't you. Just let her be herself and don't try to change her.

SoupDragon · 13/10/2022 08:08

DD is like this and she's at a girls' school. It seems to be pretty normal.

Dalaidramailama · 13/10/2022 08:11

Just let her carry on you won’t stop it anyway if she’s that way inclined. Unfortunately mine are cool (bar one) and I really wish they were not. Sigh.

Just let them be themselves.

Bikeybikeface · 13/10/2022 08:14

Children will always worry you, if she didn’t take care of her appearance you’d be worried about that.
The things she is doing doesn’t sound out of the ordinary for her age so I’d leave it.

Foolsandtheirmoney · 13/10/2022 08:17

My 12 yo is like this. Hair done, mascara on every day for school, ditched the glasses for contact lenses. I just leave her to it, it's important for lots of teens/pre teens to 'fit in', I noticed a huge change in her this way once she started secondary.

Jostly · 13/10/2022 08:18

Hah, I just had this convo with my Y8, 12 year old, this morning.

Kiddo was about to leave house without even brushing hair (this happens Every Single Day, in fact I have to stand at the front door with the brush and brush it for them (!) before they leave. Else no hair brushing would happen. Tie was askew, shirt was hanging out, a few toast crumbs on face. Thank god for relatively smart blazer.

I commented that, at their age, I was primping and beautifying, and that I supposed most girls do today.

Yes, my kid is a boy. And so it begins for our girls. Not fair, is it.

Original poster
34and3 · 13/10/2022 08:18

@Dalaidramailama yep! I wish she wasn't either. So much of it, I'm sure, is "keeping up with the joneses".

Thanks all for reassuring me it's "normal". I have to keep telling her she's 12 though - child!

OP posts:
Original poster
34and3 · 13/10/2022 08:20

She's not on fb or insta and I'm strict on that. She's got snap and WhatsApp but under the knowledge that we can check her phone whenever.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 08:24

God this is totally normal. Let her be.

there’s a mid ground between being overly concerned about your aappearance and not remotely concerned like you, hopefully as she grows up she will find that mid ground.

massistar · 13/10/2022 08:26

A lot of the girls in my DD's school are like this. I think it's pretty harmless. Although I can barely get mine to brush her hair in the morning!

SimonaRazowska · 13/10/2022 08:27

It is normal

also, it is disingenuous to say looks are not important as they are important

we all wish looks did not matter

but looks do matter. That’s life. That is the world we live in. If you are better looking life is easier

FWIW i was lectured by my teen about “pretty privilege” the other day and that “old” people saying looks don’t matter are not being honest

talk to your DD but try to be honest, what are you really afraid of? That she will put too much stick on her looks? That she may think she is defined by her looks? That she will get attention from older boys/men? IMO having honest conversations is best, rather than throwing out platitudes such as “looks don’t matter”

Mooda · 13/10/2022 08:33

I could have written this word for word. My DD12 Y8 is just the same. I've actually made my peace with it now - it's not the worst thing in the world to know how to make the best of yourself and as long as she spends plenty of time doing other stuff and not staring in the mirror I think it's ok. If it leads to botox, fillers and all that nonsense I won't like it but cross that bridge and all that.

Reallyreallyborednow · 13/10/2022 08:41

Maybe she is being herself though? Plenty of women like make up and want to look nice, it's not a bad thing

you can look nice without make up.

i went through this with my teen. Probably yr 6-8? She’s grown out of it now in yr 10 and doesn’t bother any more.

Natsku · 13/10/2022 08:55

I remember a lot of my friends started bothering with makeup around that age. I never did, still don't. My daughter is 11 and is not interested in makeup at all but she does care about whether her hair is brushed and what her clothes look like (for her, as black as possible) so does care about how she looks, in her own way.