To think my kid shouldn't be concerned by her looks

[34and3]

Dd1 is 12, year 8. Every morning for school she straightens her hair and puts on layers of mascara as well as some concealer. She's almost obsessive with her appearance and it's worrying me. For context her friends do similar. They're in the "cool" group - or so they think are! We've talked about not being a sheep, being yourself etc etc. She's my first so I don't know if I'm responding to this properly. She's in a mixed independent school whereas I went to an all girls so I just didn't care.

Aibu? Is this just "normal"?

FWIW i was lectured by my teen about “pretty privilege” the other day and that “old” people saying looks don’t matter are not being honest

Your teen is dead right and very perceptive.

Normal

Not normal for mine. They didn't have make up when they were 12.

I didn't say you can't look nice without make up did I? I'm so sick of people on here nitpicking, it's tedious.

Humans evolved with eyes. Of course looks matter.

I think you're being a little unreasonable to expect her not to care at that age but it's fab you're reinforcing really positive messages that will serve her well in the long run. She will grow out of it eventually but I remember spending almost two hours getting ready for school in the morning (didn't have a clue how to match foundation to my face like but I got there lol) whereas now I'm much more confident and go makeup-less regularly. My ds recently got my neice who's the same age a makeup lesson for her birthday and i thought it was a lovely idea because the mua reinforced how much better light and natural makeup was and how it isn't about hiding yourself but more about highlighting the bits about you that are beautiful and she came away buzzing and wears her makeup really well and much lighter now. So just a thought? I think it's a fairly natural curiosity for that age especially if others in school are wearing it and if they see parents wearing it. Also I'd say mascara and a bit of concealer is very minor makeup, I'd wear that the odd time and still class it as a mostly makeup free day! I think it's normal for them to want to start experimenting with personal style etc at that stage and makeup is just one strand of that.

We are still our biology first and foremost, it seems, with girls hardwired to prioritise showing off their looks and boys to showing off their abilities and accomplishments..

Sure, and that has nothing to do with socialisation.

It's a completely normal, temporary phase of development.
Style and personal appearance is part of being yourself and expressing who you are.

My male cousin used to straighten and style his hair every morning as a teenager. The boys I knew were also very into personal style/clothes/appearances at the same age.

Having pride in your looks doesn't mean you can't also be proud of your abilities and accomplishments. My friends and I were very serious-minded and academic but also cared a lot about how we looked, because that's normal for teenagers.

Things have changed since I was at school in the 90’s. Make up was an absolute NO until sixth form. It was non- negotiable too.

I went to school in the 90s and wore make up.

I wasn't allowed to wear make up and I was desperate for it. Turns out when I went to college that I was allergic to most stuff and never mastered applying it so I don't wear it now.

My own DD is meticulous with skin care but never wears makeup other than black nail polish in the holidays. She's a rugby player though and wears mud and bruises with pride lol

OP you can embrace it and get her some make up lessons for Christmas maybe she can be taught to do a minimal school look and something more for the weekends that way she can learn to apply and remove it appropriately.

A girl in my form used to wear tonnes of makeup in year 8, drew her eyebrows on every morning, big fake lashes that she often got told off for. She was massively insecure and had low self esteem. She's in year 11 now and much more natural and more importantly more happy with herself. The self esteem came first and then the makeup decreased. Ofcourse perhaps for your daughter maybe it's not an esteem thing but a social thing but often the two become intertwined.

@OoooohMatron it was straight to the office for blue paper and water to be administered for us!

In Dd2 late primary it was the boys spending hours on their hair not the girls.

When I was a teenager at school I wore light makeup, and so did most of the other girls tbh. I think we all got the ‘you’re perfect as you are, you don’t need it’ speech, but none of us actually believed that appearance doesn’t matter.

Not wanting something to be true doesn’t mean that it isn’t.

Why not both 🤷🏻‍♀️

putting on concealer doesn’t deplete brain cells, and it doesn’t render someone incapable of taking pride in their intelligence and/or achievements.

that in itself if a harmful trope for women imo. If you’re pretty or care about your appearance then you must be thick, only the women that eschew make-up or regard for their appearance can be taken seriously.

I’m quite surprised to read its normal at age 12. My 2 dds (14 & 12) don’t wear make up to school, and neither do their friends. The youngest one likes to practise with some make up in the weekend occasionally, but that’s all. DD14 has no interest whatsoever.

DD was like this in Y8, she’s now in Y9 and has decided she likes sleeping a bit longer better than wearing make up - she will wear a bit of eyeliner occasionally.

This is pretty standard imho. I don't really see anything wrong with it.

It is a bit wrong for a child to so invested in how they look, or even an adult for that matter

I don’t know why we send the message to girls that make up is a terrible thing to use. Plenty of women, myself included, use make up all the time. Nothing wrong with wanting to look nice. I also think some adults forget how awful it is to be in secondary school where you’re targetted if you have so much as a pimple.

I was like this. If I didn't nag her, my 12 yo probably wouldn't even brush her hair, let alone straighten it. She asked for some makeup last Christmas and has used it twice. At least she won't get in trouble for makeup like I did!

It's normal for some. Less so for others.
I would say though that being in the 'popular' groups has its own pressures of conformity. I'd be wary of peer bullying tbh.
Keep a close eye - especially with Snapchat.
Try and foster her having friends outside of school and outside interests.

I actually think too many don't worry enough about their appearance given how many humungously fat teenagers I see nowadays. I always feel bad that they'll feel self conscious when they realise but that it'll be much harder to shift in a few years time.

Really, parents should try and help them make healthy food choices but oftentimes the mum is huge too. I saw a family out today and it was depressing. Fat mum, fat dad, fat daughter, fat son. I mean even the bloody pomeranian was fat!