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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House work

82 replies

Justabloke1 · 12/10/2022 23:15

I'm interested to hear opinions if I'm being unreasonable please. I'm a husband who works probably 50 to 60hours a week Mon to Friday. My wife is a stay at home mum to a 10 and 13 year old . We get along great but I'm starting to feel she's not pulling her weight in the upkeep of the house. House is pretty messy, to the point of being unclean. I'm regularly cleaning toilets, emptying overflowing bins and dishwasher and stuff like that. Admittedly I'm well fed and have clean clothes which I'm very grateful for. But it's to the point I'm embarrassed if people pop round. Surely I'm not expecting too much to come home from grafting all day to a semi presentable house. I'm not expecting a show home just clean and tidyish. I've always done the garden and try to do stuff with the kids at weekends to give her a break. She's a great mum to 2 foster kids with very challenging behaviour but they are both in mainstream school full time.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 12/10/2022 23:18

Can you communicate? Talk to her. For what it’s worth I think if a parent is at home during school hours the house shouldn’t be constantly dirty. When I was a sahp I did the majority of housework, and I wouldn’t really be happy to go out and work for DH to stay at home and then come home to a dirty house.

But realistically you just need to speak to each other and communicate.

Buttonwood77 · 12/10/2022 23:19

I was with you op until you mentioned the challenging behaviour of your foster dc. That is exhausting emotionally and the school day is short. Can you afford a cleaner?

Pseudonymminymie · 12/10/2022 23:20

You are definitely NBU. My DS has a DP like this, and I feel very sorry for him. Can you speak to her about it? Probably a very difficult subject, but you're obviously pulling your weight and so should she...

Kanaloa · 12/10/2022 23:20

I will say though when you talk together don’t go in expecting the conversation to go a certain way. You never know, maybe she is feeling overwhelmed or depressed or is struggling in some way, she may reveal she no longer wants to be SAHM etc. I would try to go in with solutions or problem solving attitude rather than criticism.

Testng123 · 12/10/2022 23:24

What does regularly mean? Once a day? A week? A month?

Kite22 · 12/10/2022 23:41

Of course YANBU, but there are some posters on MN who will say you are, simply because you are a man.
Obviously, if one parent is a SAHP and the other is out at work, and any dc are in FT education, then the SAHM needs to keep on top of the housework.

that's not to say the WOTH parent doesn't pop their things in the dishwasher or wipe up something they spill, make a cuppa etc, but the main jobs should obviously be covered by the SAHP.

Cw112 · 12/10/2022 23:45

I think you need to chat to her about how she's feeling in general incase she's feeling exhausted or burnt out or a bit down etc. Foster caring is very full on and I imagine she also has responsibilities like attending meetings, making phone calls, providing updates and facilitating contact to factor into her days as well which is bound to be fine consuming as well as emotionally demanding in general. Can you link your kids in with some chores too?

ninetieseyebrows · 13/10/2022 07:23

Could there be MH issues here, maybe. Or ADHD. Perhaps ME, long covid? Has this only just started to become a problem?

JustEatTheCake · 13/10/2022 07:52

How many hours does she have between school runs and are there any other responsibilities she has that need to be addressed during the day? If not then that is a lot of free time and of course some of it should be spent doing housework. How many hours over the week is that?

I wonder if she is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start? But no you are not being unreasonable with your expectation. I am a SAHM with children in full time education.

sashh · 13/10/2022 08:43

Slightly confused, do you have 2 children plus 2 foster children or just 2 foster children?

Does she do the school run or are the kids making their own way?

What DOES she do?

She obviously does the washing and cooking but who does the shopping? Who takes the kids tot he dentist?

Is there social worker involvement with the children? Does she have to go to meetings?

Who does the 'life admin' the bill paying, the insurance renewals, checks the tariff for the power?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/10/2022 08:47

I think if the children are actually attending school full time (eg no truancy/time off regularly for physical or mental ill health), then it's really not hard to dedicate one day of school hours to giving the house a clean.

Is it that she has ridiculously low standards? Could there be some depression or other issue that she needs to look into/work on?

Might she be better placed returning to the workplace and you and she pay for people to come in and do jobs?

Being a SAHP isn't for everyone, but she needs to shit or get off the pot basically - at the moment, unless there's something else you've not told us, she's not pulling her weight

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/10/2022 08:56

You have a fair point, but sit down and see where it’s coming from for her.

Fostering a 10 and 13 year old sounds like incredibly hard work… a messy house can be a sign of depression - I get the impression from your post it wasn’t always like this?

Raise it in a gentle way and find out how she’s seeing it, and then figure out what you do together. If she’s finding life overwhelming right now, then even if you can’t afford a cleaner, then an agency clean and a collective declutter will make it easier to get on top of. The organised mum method and a slob comes clean are both good for people who aren’t natural housekeepers - but don’t offer solutions until you have really listened to what the problem is from her.

It also might be she’s better off returning to work PT. Staying at home, especially when the kids are at school all day sounds really isolating and would depress a lot of people.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 13/10/2022 08:57

I don’t know. How challenging are the kids? Is she actually cleaning up a lot more thsn you see because they are pulling it back apart immediately?

I have two kids and DH works 3 nights and 5 days a week. I clean my living room every day and as soon as my ASD child is here he pulls everything back out and it’s messy and dirty again in about 30 mins of him getting home.

At dinner time food just goes everywhere and by the time DH gets in it looks like I did nothing. I wish there wasn’t stuff for him to do but there is.

I’ve started taking photos each day to prove to myself it WAS clean and tidy at 3 pm (DH has never doubted me but I wouldn’t blane him). I don’t get as far as the dishes or bins as often as I’d like because I’m drowning under laundry and firefighting with the two little ones to get them sorted, but they only do 3 days at nursery. As soon as they are home, they need me with them both for safety reasons.

But it very much depends on what you mean by challenging.

megletthesecond · 13/10/2022 09:02

I suspect that having foster children is the tricky part. I have one teen dc with challenging behaviour and there is a lot of extra pressure and mess.

Geneticsbunny · 13/10/2022 09:02

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together.

luxxlisbon · 13/10/2022 09:05

There is MORE than enough time to keep the house tidy week to week with an 11 and 13 year old in school, no matter how they get to school.
There are 5 days in a week. I can’t believe people are trying to say ‘paying the bill’, the dentist etc means she doesn’t have time to keep the house clean!
People do all that, a full time job and clean their houses.

YANBU and to expect a reasonable standard of cleanliness while your wife is at home all day and you are out at work. It doesn’t have it be spotless every day, sometimes she might be busy with other stuff but it shouldn’t be filthy all the time and she can’t possibly be too busy on a regular basis.

luxxlisbon · 13/10/2022 09:06

Geneticsbunny · 13/10/2022 09:02

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together.

How is it a full time job when they are in school? Minimum she has about 5 free hours a day Monday to Friday.

grayhairdontcare · 13/10/2022 09:09

If you can't keep a house clean when everyone is at school or at work then you are just lazy!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/10/2022 09:12

Geneticsbunny · 13/10/2022 09:02

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together.

How do you get 50/60 hours of work from this?

Topgub · 13/10/2022 09:14

Yanbu.

She should be doing the vast majority of the housework and childcare

Why are you working so many hours?

Why doesn't she have a job?

Are the FC long term with you? Do they have chores?

Asparagoose · 13/10/2022 09:15

Maybe she doesn’t want to be your servant, doing domestic labour while you work 50-60 hours furthering your own career. She can’t work because all of the childcare is dumped on her. Have you considered reducing your hours or switching to a more flexible job so you can do some of the childcare and she can work?

bloodywhitecat · 13/10/2022 09:29

Why doesn't she have a job?

I am a foster carer, our LA actively discourage the principal foster carer working outside the home if you are in a couple (one person is often in employment and one of the couple is encouraged to stay home) . Fostering is paid, as well as the child's payment we get a skills element which, for some of us isn't much. is our payment for our skills. As a foster carer we often having meetings, appointments etc that we need to attend that don't come with having a birth child, using before/after school care can be frown upon.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/10/2022 09:36

Asparagoose · 13/10/2022 09:15

Maybe she doesn’t want to be your servant, doing domestic labour while you work 50-60 hours furthering your own career. She can’t work because all of the childcare is dumped on her. Have you considered reducing your hours or switching to a more flexible job so you can do some of the childcare and she can work?

One would hope that a pair of sensible adults who choose the route of Foster caring would have discussed in advance how this would work and the effects it would have on both of their lives.

Are you suggesting that she accidentally fell into Foster care and suddenly had to abandon her career because her husband didn't want to step up?

That's quite a reach.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/10/2022 09:38

YANBU. I'm the wife in this circumstance but I have kids the same age - I am fed up of having to pick up any jobs that aren't laundry or dinners.

Our youngest woke us up hysterical two nights ago, there was a mouse in his room. Who do you think had to call pest controllers? Not only is he not taking care of the house, but he also has no initiative for anything else - so our kitchen is half completed. Boxes from when we moved a year ago - still unopened let alone put away.

It's really frustrating.

Creameggs223 · 13/10/2022 09:41

All she needs todo is take 1hour out off the school day todo a quick tidy up its not really hard even if she has shopping todo or appointments to get todo, what does she do while kids are at school?