House work

[Justabloke1]

I'm interested to hear opinions if I'm being unreasonable please. I'm a husband who works probably 50 to 60hours a week Mon to Friday. My wife is a stay at home mum to a 10 and 13 year old . We get along great but I'm starting to feel she's not pulling her weight in the upkeep of the house. House is pretty messy, to the point of being unclean. I'm regularly cleaning toilets, emptying overflowing bins and dishwasher and stuff like that. Admittedly I'm well fed and have clean clothes which I'm very grateful for. But it's to the point I'm embarrassed if people pop round. Surely I'm not expecting too much to come home from grafting all day to a semi presentable house. I'm not expecting a show home just clean and tidyish. I've always done the garden and try to do stuff with the kids at weekends to give her a break. She's a great mum to 2 foster kids with very challenging behaviour but they are both in mainstream school full time.

Having challenging foster children is very different to having NT children of the same age. There is likely to be additional housework to keep on top of in the first place. There is also an emotional toll which will affect motivation. Plus the additional meetings/ paperwork.

A lazy person wouldn't have got through the vetting process to become a foster carer, so there is some kind of practical/ logistical issue at play here and it needs approaching from a support angle not accusatory/ lazy angle. You may need to use some of the fostering income to pay for cleaning. You may need to put in more practical support too.

@SirBlobby

Yeah she could hoover but why should she?

Because someone has to and she is there during the day more than him regardless how how much work being a fc involves.

He is also working, cleaning, gardening and taking care of the kids at the weekend.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but I also know that people have different standards when it comes to house cleaning. I'm a bit of a clean freak and like everything tidy and clean but other members of my family live in what seems like to me, total chaos. Nothing wrong with either as long as the people who live there are content.

But sounds like you both have different standards and that'll need to be addressed. You could draw up a list and divide the labour. At 10 and 13, maybe the kids can be given a weekly job too? Make it a shared family responsibility.

You're not being unreasonable at all and I think its worth speaking to your wife to see what's going on and to work out something that is agreeable to both of you.

I'm a SAHM to a 14 and 15 year old. One of them is SEN and takes up a lot of my time. Husband works 60+ hours a week. He does loads to help around the house/with the kids. I wish I could blame having a child with special needs as the reason why I don't have a tidy clean house, but the fact is I'd much rather spend the time I'm home alone doing what I want rather than doing housework. I admit I'm lazy and selfish. I do stay on top of laundry and I cook a few times a week and deliveroo the rest of the time and clean when I have to.

What I have found helpful for me lately is to write a list of 3 chores to do each day. They can be as simple as empty the rubbish bins, clean the toilets and put away laundry. Different chores each day. Once I've ticked them off, I claim the rest of the day for myself other than dinner prep. I may not be getting as much done as I should be but I'm doing more than I would otherwise be doing. I find that as things get tidier and cleaner, it motivates me to do more than just what is on my list but not enough yet to make me totally on top of things.

I'm honestly shocked my husband hasn't said something to me. He has suggested hiring a cleaner so I don't have to clean but I hate having someone in my space so I don't want one...

YANBU, the kids are out of the house 6 hours a day at least. But you’re a man and this is MN, so expect the usual excuses from other women who think it’s fine for a messy house when you’re a SAHM with wains in school or day.
Personally I don’t think there is.

Yanbu so not only is she a lazy scruff but she's subjecting poor foster children to live in a dump too.

IMO If you are working long hours to provide for your family, your wife should be looking after the home including cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping. There really is no excuse if she has free time each day with the children in school. I totally get your point about feeling uncomfortable if people come round and there's mess everywhere. For context, I have a 9 month old and a 4 year old and my partner provides for us, so in turn I look after the home, make sure everything is clean and tidy for the family, cook our meals, wash our clothes, make sure we don't run out of food items etc. Each morning, I spend a couple of hours making sure everything is in order and clean and that's with having 2 children with me all day. I don't think it's too much to ask for your wife to pull her weight. I want my family to have a clean, comfortable home, without mess everywhere and it's not a difficult job in all honesty.

@Aretheyhavingalaugh

You do realise that being a foster carer is a paid job. The ops wife is not sitting around whilst her husband does the providing.

This!!!

I said yanbu but I'd be asking you, do the children sleep, are there lots of appts, if they're foster kids she's not a SAHM she's a foster carer which is an expert role in its own right.

If she's getting plenty of sleep and sitting around yanbu, but more likely she's doing the best she can for 2 kids while you're rarely around and more paperwork etc during the day.

Yes I do realise but the children also go to school. She gets to sit in a comfortable house whilst the children are at school and only needs to do an hours work a day whilst they are not there! She can then relax for the other 4 hours in a nice clean home! 1 hour per day is enough cleaning if everything is kept on top of so its not difficult. I'd much rather be sitting at home in comfort than out working for 50 - 60 hours a week. Once the home is clean she can do whatever she likes.

Sorry but sahp doesn't also mean live In housekeeper! You also say you do stuff with the kids at weekends......so you get to interact and enjoy children and expect her to clean?!
Yes place shouldn't be messy but I also don't believe she should be doing 100% of the housework your a grown man you csn do your share too!

OP is doing his bit, working 50 - 60 hours a week! Why should he have to clean the house when he gets home tired? What should OP's wife do all day then? They should swap them, she can go and work outside the home and he can do the cleaning, I'm sure he'd prefer it....

Working 50/60 hours doesn't mean having to do zero cleaning though! If you tot up the hours of childcare, laundry etc it's probably about the same if not more!

Yes his wife should be doing more housework then she is by the sounds of it but for the husband to then complain about unloading the dishwasher is ridiculous.
A sahp is not a housekeeper!

I work full time my DH part time I don't expect him to do the lions share of housework we are both adults we divide chores up and both do them.

It's seems to me that this an area of your life you have chosen to outsource to your wife, in the same way as she has chosen to outsource the earning of money to you.

Now if she has an opinion about what job you choose to so and how much money you're bringing in and how many hours you work, she can express that . but ultimately you're the one doing it so the final decision is yours.

Same goes for the housework. This is her domain and she has the decision about how much housework is done and what needs to be prioritized. She can take your opinion into account or ignore it as she chooses. Because she doesn't work for you and certainly doesn't report to you.

If you don't like it, you can do it yourself or hire a cleaner. Just like she's free to go get a job if she doesn't like the money you're bringing in.

I think you working 50-60 hours a week doesn't make you a great life partner, by the way. Who gets married to raise your children on their own?

I suggest you take some time here to understand what is happening here: do the children take up more of her time/resources than you realise? is she depressed? is she lonely? does she just find housework boring?

@Aretheyhavingalaugh

have you read the several posts which set out the duties of a foster carer? The op has himself described the children as challenging
I can guarantee you that she isnt sitting around relaxing all day

If you work full time and your DH works part time then he really should be doing more than you if he is fully able, it works both was round. The OP's job is to provide for the family and his wife's job is to be the carer and look after the home. Both jobs are as important as each other

When they are at school?

It would help if the OP would come back and answer some of these questions.

You said it yourself kids are challenging. Maybe she does small things for the kids when they're in school to make their like easier? Cook certain meals? Keep their clothes etc a certain way?

Emptying bins, dishwasher and cleaning the toilet is something normal for you. If you said you were hoovering, washing the dishes, cooking food etc everyday that would be different. But you've stated the minimum. At the end of the day it's upto if you want to help or not.

@Aretheyhavingalaugh

Read the posts, yes when they are at school

Yanbu but housework is a relentless boring task. Maybe she would be better off working and getting cleaners?

He does more childcare hence being part time. I don't expect him to then take on more housework because he's part time. We both are responsible for the children and we both make mess therefore it's for both of us to sort.

What is she doing when they are st school? Clearly not cleaning up.

Of course housework is boring, certain jobs are boring too, so we shouldn't go to work to make money and provide because it's boring?