House work

[Justabloke1]

I'm interested to hear opinions if I'm being unreasonable please. I'm a husband who works probably 50 to 60hours a week Mon to Friday. My wife is a stay at home mum to a 10 and 13 year old . We get along great but I'm starting to feel she's not pulling her weight in the upkeep of the house. House is pretty messy, to the point of being unclean. I'm regularly cleaning toilets, emptying overflowing bins and dishwasher and stuff like that. Admittedly I'm well fed and have clean clothes which I'm very grateful for. But it's to the point I'm embarrassed if people pop round. Surely I'm not expecting too much to come home from grafting all day to a semi presentable house. I'm not expecting a show home just clean and tidyish. I've always done the garden and try to do stuff with the kids at weekends to give her a break. She's a great mum to 2 foster kids with very challenging behaviour but they are both in mainstream school full time.

On the face of it YANBU. But are there any other factors influencing this? Is her mental health OK? Has she always been like this or is it recent? Do the foster kids have additional needs? Could she maybe have ADHD? I ask this as I do, and before I was medicated, i suffered badly with executive dysfunction and my home was always a tip, despite being home all day.

If your wife is cooking for four people (two adults and two children) and doing all laundry plus any other jobs in the house eg school drop off and pick up, dealing with pets, buying birthday presents, doing the food shop etc then I actually don't think she's doing too little in the slightest. She is also entitled to a bit of time to herself during the day when she gets some respite.

Two practical solutions/options:

1. Get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to take the edge off. We did this to stop me (wife) constantly nagging husband to pull his weight. I still do more but that's because I have higher standards than he does.

1. Dedicate a couple of hours on a Saturday morning to it. Say "come on love I'll do the bathroom you do the kitchen" or whatever and get on with it as a team.

To give her the benefit of the doubt she could already be doing this and more and the house still look messy? It always seems as soon as you've finished a job another one pops up! So I might wipe down all the cupboards in the kitchen and mop the floors but the bathroom might still need a clean...?

On the face of it YANBU, but are the DC reliably in school most days?

Also could the house do with a decluttering and are you/the DC undoing what work she is doing and making it harder to get started and keep on top of?

For example, is she having to do a lot of picking up and putting away before she can get onto actual cleaning? If that could be the case, how about decluttering as a family and make sure everyone tidies up after themselves and puts things away/in washing baskets etc.

I’m a sahm in this situation. The house is fine until the dc come home from school and then it gets messy. I feel sorry for dh because he doesn’t often get to enjoy a tidy space although I do once a day.

He comes in from work and unwinds, has dinner, does his hobby, pitches in a little bit. That’s a busy part of my day - dinner with a sensory avoidant dc, homework (invariably a struggle), bedtimes.

Both of mine are in school; with one this is an uncertainty, and if I’m not getting calls from school, I’m dealing with various therapies. Ds won’t attend or engage with some, so I go and learn as much as I can to implement by myself. All of the services fall way way short of meeting his needs. I’m constantly battling.

I have undiagnosed adhd and very little chance of doing anything with it (I would have to get a private diagnosis and the waiting lists are years long, and then pay for meds. It’s not affordable). I’m struggling under a huge mental and emotional load. I have aging parents and menopause.

Dh carries the financial burden but he’s got it easier and he knows it. I have enormous respect for what he does, and the ways he is stressed and I do my best to support him. He respects me and supports me.

I’m pretty sure I’d just crack at the seams if dh couldn’t see me.

She is also entitled to a bit of time to herself during the day when she gets some respite

She currently has about 25 hours a week of time to herself.

I am a SAHP of a school age child and I keep the house and garden neat, tidy and clean. I also do all the washing and the vast majority of cooking. It isn’t show home because to me that feels unlived in but the house is always in a fit state for people to drop in. Unless there are health issues it isn’t hard if your DC are at school.

She’s not a SAHM in the traditional sense though is she, she’s a foster carer. She has perhaps 5/6 hours each weekday when the children are at school. Within this she has to attend regular meetings with her supervising social worker, regular meetings with the social workers of the 2 children, and attend training sessions. You say both children are very challenging so she may well be firefighting and responding to issues at school, attending SEN/EHCP reviews and/or meetings with school, dealing with consequential behaviour at home. She may need to request, attend, and chase up appointments with professionals involved with the children e.g. speech and language therapist, occupational therapist, paediatrician, consultant psychologist, educational psychologist, CAMHS, counsellors, Team Around the Family meetings etc and ensure any recommendations are communicated to and within school. Does she have to facilitate contact between the children and their birth relatives? Do the children truant from school or run away from home? Are her nights disturbed? Is she dealing with continence issues? Are the children violent to each other or her? Does she often have to repair or replace things? Source sensory clothing and equipment? Does she have to order and give out medication? Complete Disability Living Allowance applications etc? I’m not expecting a list of answers to these questions but pointing out that she is likely to have lots going on each day, which would explain why your house isn’t as clean as you’d like. It’s great you do stuff with the kids at the weekend but it sounds as though you think she should be using this down time to catch up on all the housework, when it might be the only chance she gets for some respite.

I don’t think anyone can advise if you’re being unreasonable in the absence of any real detail about what your wife’s life and typical day entails, but I suspect you’re not being entirely honest/or possibility even aware of the complexity of her job, and the effort required to effectively support 2 children coping with the trauma of whatever has occurred which means the state has decided they are unable to live with the families they were born to.

Can you arrange a chat together and without presenting her with a list of grievances about household chores you’ve done which you think she should have taken care of, approach it as seeing what could change to improve life for you all e.g. if funds allow, having a cleaner/gardener/decorater etc.

Yes if she is doing all this then you need to be sharing the housework more.

I'm confused as to whether there are two or four children here

But anyway to point out that being a foster carer is a job. As well as the day to day care for the children. She will be maintaining formal daily records for each child, meetings with the children's social worker, her social worker and regular reviews. She may be facilitating contact between the children and their families. The children may be having therapeutic input which she will have to facilitate and support. She may be trying to organise support for them

The OP says the foster children have challenging behaviour - it might be helpful if he clarified that. If they have EHCPs she will havevreview meetings at schools, she may be getting called to school on a regular basis.

Very easy to see how her 25 'free hours" a week are bring spent

I was with you op until you mentioned the challenging behaviour of your foster dc. That is exhausting emotionally and the school day is short. Can you afford a cleaner

not at all, just 1 hour a day can pretty much clean up a house or at least make a huge difference. If genders were reversed here there would be no support given or excuses given for the offending partner at home.

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together

it's the same as any sahm- what a ludicrous post. Kids are kids.

@cutthelawn

Being a foster carer is not the same as being a mum. Foster children are not just kids
Please read the posts setting out the requirements of the job.

Also part of the ‘job’ of a foster carer is maintaining a clean and tidy environment. Foster children often come from chaotic backgrounds - they should be being cared for in a clean and tidy home to allow them the highest level of comfort and encourage them to pick up important skills in how to live a normal life.

I think I'd be asking her if she's OK first

The kids are at school all day.

Maybe it’s just now got on top of her and she just does not know we’re to start. Why don’t you sit down and ask her how she feels about the house. Might be a good idea to get a organiser In to sort and clean the house with your wife. Then once is organised and clean may be she then could keep on top of it. Sometimes people get in a pickle and just don’t know how to sort it.

Because working parents don't cook, do laundry, buy birthday presents and shop, do the school run..? Come on. Those things don't remotely require 30 hours a week.

I am reserving judgement on this specific situation because as PP have observed this woman is actually a foster parent, not a SAHM, and fostering DC with challenging behaviour can be a lot of work, but jeez some people on here make heavy weather of the routine business of life that the vast majority of people manage on top of working, or indeed SAHPing of preschoolers. I'm starting to think it's a "tasks expand to fit the time available" thing.

@bloodywhitecat

Thanks. I was told by a sw that us both working wouldn't affect an application but I guess it depends on different LA.

We didn't proceed with at the time but knowing it could be a barrier would put me off applying, which is a shame.

I bet any money its always the women who don't work too (in a heterosexual couple, obvs)

Even if you take the Foster caring as a job, they still have a few hours (at least) free every day

Long enough to keep the house reasonably clean and tidy

I wouldnt be paying for a cleaner of my oh was at home with hours to spare every day.

As there will be Social workers regularly in the house I assume they are satisfied with the standards of cleanliness

Social worker here.
What @bloodywhitecat said.

Being a foster carer IS a job, and a bloody stressful one at that. In addition to what was said by bloodywhitecat, they also have training and need to be on call from schools in case anything happens. There are huge amounts of meetings : cla reviews, pep meetings, placement meetings, Sw visits, contact with family to facilitate etc.

Yes I'm sure she could find time to hoover etc but why should she. She's working just as much as you, perhaps more emotional toll which does impact physical health.

Also, surely your house isn't so dirty that any visiting Sw wouldn't pick up on it??

It isn't the same as being a SAHM, as fostered children require extra input, especially when they exhibit challenging behaviours.
Then there are things like training for FC, including modules to be achieved, attending meetings, etc.
Most of the FC I worked with as a social worker had some extra help in the house, which enabled the, to do the job - and it is a job.

Them to do the job 🙄

This whole thread is a classic example of the double standards on mn. If genders were reversed the man would have his ass handed to him but because it's a woman let's make excuses.

@cutthelawn No it isn't. This woman is a foster carer. She has a job.
No one on Mumsnet would except a man who is the main fc to be cleaning all day.

As they both work the expectation is for them both to get on with housework!