Page 4 | House work

Justabloke1 · 2022-10-12T22:15:58+00:00

I'm interested to hear opinions if I'm being unreasonable please. I'm a husband who works probably 50 to 60hours a week Mon to Friday. My wife is a stay at home mum to a 10 and 13 year old . We get along great but I'm starting to feel she's not pulling her weight in the upkeep of the house. House is pretty messy, to the point of being unclean. I'm regularly cleaning toilets, emptying overflowing bins and dishwasher and stuff like that. Admittedly I'm well fed and have clean clothes which I'm very grateful for. But it's to the point I'm embarrassed if people pop round. Surely I'm not expecting too much to come home from grafting all day to a semi presentable house. I'm not expecting a show home just clean and tidyish. I've always done the garden and try to do stuff with the kids at weekends to give her a break. She's a great mum to 2 foster kids with very challenging behaviour but they are both in mainstream school full time.

iamnotacatt · 14/10/2022 10:43

Geneticsbunny · 13/10/2022 09:02

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together.

If what she does is more than a 50/60 hour a week job then surely her husband is working over 100 hours .. as he is also a carer to foster children?

iamnotacatt · 14/10/2022 10:47

bravelittletiger · 13/10/2022 09:45

If your wife is cooking for four people (two adults and two children) and doing all laundry plus any other jobs in the house eg school drop off and pick up, dealing with pets, buying birthday presents, doing the food shop etc then I actually don't think she's doing too little in the slightest. She is also entitled to a bit of time to herself during the day when she gets some respite.

Two practical solutions/options:

Get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to take the edge off. We did this to stop me (wife) constantly nagging husband to pull his weight. I still do more but that's because I have higher standards than he does.

Dedicate a couple of hours on a Saturday morning to it. Say "come on love I'll do the bathroom you do the kitchen" or whatever and get on with it as a team.

Surely this is a matter of priorities then? Who goes out shopping for birthday presents when their house is a tip? Surely keeping on top of the house is a basic chore that needs to be done.. ahead of buying birthday presents ..

Geneticsbunny · 14/10/2022 11:05

@iamnotacatt
I would imagine that, as kids in foster care usually have some level of additional needs or, often a disability, that "buying presents" is probably not high on the OPs wife's lists of jobs to prioritise ahead of cleaning.

Without further info I am just guessing but I would imagine that several hours a week are spent in meetings with social care/ NHS/ school. Other time will be spent sourcing and replacing broken and or damaged specialist equipment or household items, chasing up suitable support for the kids. The admin in itself will be huge.

Also if you are looking after kids with a high level of need, you are "on" the whole time they are around. Some kids need watching continuously in order to keep them safe. There is no popping off to read a book or do a hobby so school hours may be the only time she actually gets a rest.

Obviously we don't know what is going on with this family but foster kids need a significantly higher input than other kids and so it cannot be judged with the same assumptions that could be made for other families.

iamnotacatt · 14/10/2022 11:11

Geneticsbunny · 14/10/2022 11:05

@iamnotacatt
I would imagine that, as kids in foster care usually have some level of additional needs or, often a disability, that "buying presents" is probably not high on the OPs wife's lists of jobs to prioritise ahead of cleaning.

Without further info I am just guessing but I would imagine that several hours a week are spent in meetings with social care/ NHS/ school. Other time will be spent sourcing and replacing broken and or damaged specialist equipment or household items, chasing up suitable support for the kids. The admin in itself will be huge.

Also if you are looking after kids with a high level of need, you are "on" the whole time they are around. Some kids need watching continuously in order to keep them safe. There is no popping off to read a book or do a hobby so school hours may be the only time she actually gets a rest.

Obviously we don't know what is going on with this family but foster kids need a significantly higher input than other kids and so it cannot be judged with the same assumptions that could be made for other families.

I mentioned present buying because another poster gave that as an example of something stay at home parents do and I simply pointed out that having a tidy home should come before that..

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 11:26

Geneticsbunny · 13/10/2022 09:02

She isn't a SAHM, her job is being a foster carer, which is a full time, probably more than 50-60 hours a week job. Just employ a cleaner so she can focus on her job and you can do yours and you can both spend some time together.

They’re both full time foster parents though

not just the wife

JRHartly · 14/10/2022 11:45

She should be doing the housework when the kids are at school.

frauzen · 14/10/2022 13:57

They might both be foster carers but I'd guess if the OP is working long hours then he isn't doing all the training courses, school interactions about the kids, statutory visits with social workers, supervision with a SSW, recording, medical appointments, PEP reviews etc, etc. The mental load with fostering is significant - it's not just the room in your heart and room in your home that the advertising lies about.
If you work long hours and your wife does too, fostering is 24/7. Get a cleaner and talk to your wife!