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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Demanding cat - to want some time to myself??

147 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/10/2022 19:44

This is going to sound ridiculous but here goes.

Me and DP have a 14 month old cat. I have completely babied her which I will admit. She sleeps on my bed with me and she is lavished with attention from us both.

However it's now getting too much. She follows us around the house meowing at us constantly, when we are watching TV she sits staring at us like every single day, all day. She freaks out when we close a door if we need the loo or I'm on a work call for example.

She has everything she could possibly want. I walk her in the garden (she's house cat) every time she wants to go out. She's entertained by us etc.

I just want some time to myself after work and I've cleaned up. She has poo DP harassed when he sits on the couch after 12 hour shifts.

She's neutered. Vaccinated. Eating well etc.

What do I do? I'm giving up watching a film atm. She's eyeballing me...

OP posts:
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HannaHanna · 13/10/2022 03:38

She needs a reset. I went through months of my cat waking me up to be fed in the night several times. I stopped reacting and eventually she stopped trying. Now she leaves me alone. Her brother took over the role, we shut them out of the bedroom. Now we can leave the door open and they’ll come in sometimes, but have stopped demanding food.

I read that their mothers ignore them and walk away when they misbehave.

It’s not easy to do, but you can change their behavior by not reacting.

HannaHanna · 13/10/2022 03:41

This book is great.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/8979798-the-cat-whisperer

Netflix also has a documentary called Inside the mind of a cat. We are watching it right now, actually!

mauveskies · 13/10/2022 03:43

Fat, angry, and a prisoner in your home. You have infantilised her.

Fraaahnces · 13/10/2022 03:58

In the meantime, this guy (whilst rather American-style) may have some useful YouTube videos

misssunshine4040 · 13/10/2022 04:08

Stop putting human traits onto a cat.

She isn't dumb, just unsure of outside.
Once she can learn to venture in about herself she will soon be off exploring.
Open your back door or window enough to let her come and go and curiosity will soon see her go out on her own.

thelobsterquadrille · 13/10/2022 06:11

The reason she's frightened of outside because you've never given her the chance to explore properly. You're always out there with her and you have her restricted by a lead and harness so of course she's terrified - she can't run away or explore naturally.

Being honest, she also looks to be very overweight.

RedAngel19 · 13/10/2022 06:26

Agree with @thelobsterquadrille .

In the gentlest way possible, it might be worth considering letting her be an outside cat for her own quality of life and happiness. She will soon stop pestering you and DH for constant attention. Cats aren't "dumb". They have instinct that help them survive outside but that instinct might be inhibited if you put the cat on a leash (they can't do what they would naturally do to escape) or if they can only go out with you.

My cat is an elderly gentleman in cat years. Am I worried he'll lose a cat fight one day or meet his fate outside the house and I can't find him? Absolutely yes. But for the sake of his quality of life, we can't keep him indoors. Vet advised the same. We ponder this question all the time. I could keep him indoors for his physical safety but his mental health would decline. What I love is that our cat has this amazing access to the outside world but still chooses to come home everyday to cuddle up with me.

If you would prefer to keep yours indoors only, then I think you have to accept that you and DH are the only source of variety and interest within those walls. Doesn't matter how large your cat tree is. Mine has NEVER been interested in them. Not when there's an outdoor world to explore.

underneaththeash · 13/10/2022 06:32

MsGrahamCheese · 12/10/2022 21:36

Teach her to use a catflap* and let her have free access to the outdoors. She's timid so it will take time but she'll get there, especially when spring rolls around.

*install a cat flap

This exactly, cats need to be outdoors.

Sweettea89 · 13/10/2022 06:38

Ignore people saying let her out, you know your cat best and BSH / Ragdolls are not normal cats, the ignorance is astounding- people might as well say let a dog go wild and free 🙄

Waiting for someone to come along and tell me their pedigree goes out (great, your a minority- professional advice tells you these breeds can't go out)

Toddlerteaplease · 13/10/2022 06:40

One of my Persians is the same. I don't mind it except at 3am!

pictish · 13/10/2022 06:40

If you gave her access to the outdoors her curiosity would soon get the better of her nerves. I’ll bet my last tenner.

verdantverdure · 13/10/2022 06:52

I'd let her be a normal cat and go out, then she wouldn't have this weird total reliance on you.

On the bright side, at least she still trusts you to try to fulfil her needs, the majority of the time unlike the poor indoor cats who sleep 18 hours a day because they have nothing to do and far less engaged owners.

She's dependent on you because you have made her that way.

I'm not sure outsourcing your responsibilities to another cat will help. You will then have two sentient beings who have needs you are responsible for.

AMDB5 · 13/10/2022 07:01

What do you expect?

She's stuck indoors

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 13/10/2022 07:03

Wow, there must be cats roaming all over the UK, what about your small native animals? Here in Australia, it is very poor form to let your cat roam around, you'd be called out all over Facebook and your cat would be trapped and taken to the pound. The local council lends out cat traps for free!

thelobsterquadrille · 13/10/2022 07:08

Sweettea89 · 13/10/2022 06:38

Ignore people saying let her out, you know your cat best and BSH / Ragdolls are not normal cats, the ignorance is astounding- people might as well say let a dog go wild and free 🙄

Waiting for someone to come along and tell me their pedigree goes out (great, your a minority- professional advice tells you these breeds can't go out)

You can let cats out without letting them roam though. There's a middle ground to be had here.

Cat-proof the garden or build a catio and let your cats be cats. Yes, some breeds are less intelligent than others but they're still cats and need to jump, hunt, kill and explore like any other breed.

Even in places like America and Australian where indoor cats are the norm, they still build catios, cat-proof gardens or "catify" their homes so their cats can still be cats.

malificent7 · 13/10/2022 07:08

She sounds lovely...we laugh when our cat stares at us. My first kitten used to stare at me when i was cooking and even having sex! Sadly he died but used to have me in stitches! He was an ordinary short haired non pedigree.

malificent7 · 13/10/2022 07:09

My cat is a house cat by choice...we have a cat flap...not at all interested in the outside world. Sorry for slight derailment.

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/10/2022 07:15

Cat proof your garden then encourage her to explore it off lead. More stimulation for her without any risk.

Meltingsocks · 13/10/2022 07:19

Let her go out! Indoor cats get bored and depressed very easily. They are not supposed to be kept indoors

redskyhaze · 13/10/2022 07:19

Nymeria6 · 12/10/2022 20:18

She's too timid and not the brightest bulb in the box. She would get herself killed or into some scraps if let out.

She doesn't like going out mostly. I have to go out then she follows.

I know how scary it can feel to let a timid/ somewhat daft cat outside. I had a ragdoll cat for years and we didn't let him out, on the advice of the breeder, as they are 'too stupid' and 'can't defend themselves'.

When we moved house, my ragdoll was about 6 years old, he'd spent his life indoors (occasionally out in the garden supervised like yours). He displayed behaviours very similar to what you are describing. We once had some other cats come in our garden who were quite territorial and he lacked all awareness of it, he was just rolling around on the floor! So obviously we thought, we can't let him roam free.

We then moved to a place with a larger garden, in a cul de sac that was a bit quieter. There were other cats around and the occasional car. I don't know what your living set up is like, but honestly, biting the bullet and letting him roam was the best thing we ever did.

He is so much happier and more content now. He actually rarely leaves the garden anyway, but it's made such a big difference in his behaviour and personality, he is like a different cat.

It was hard to do and of course we were worried something bad would happen. But it turned out that all of our worries about him 'needing to defend himself', getting lost, getting run over, were absolutely unfounded and we just needed to trust him.

Your cat is a British Blue, by the looks of the picture. I see them out and about near me all the time so there is no issue with your cat's breed that means they can't go out. I know she is timid and nervous, but that might be partly because she is indoors and living such a limited life. She is bored and frustrated and that is why she is so clingy.

If you are in a suitable place i.e. not directly on a busy main road, I really would suggest that you take a deep breath and try letting her out. I know it's hard, but it could be the best thing for her. Cats were not made to live in the confines of human houses.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 13/10/2022 07:21

Stop wearing your mouse outfit. That should sort it!

Demanding cat - to want some time to myself??
2orangey · 13/10/2022 07:35

Agree with PP to watch Jackson Galaxy's videos- he has a lot of tips on keeping housecats stimulated ('catifying' the house to simulate a more natural environment, daily play which follows the 'hunt, catch, kill, eat, groom, sleep' pattern which cats are evolved to follow. Oh and catios, which obviously aren't suitable for everyone).

Another cat probably isn't the answer- they might well hate each other and compete for your attention.

I've lost 2 cats to cars and 1 to a poisonous outdoor plant so I'm cautious about letting them out unsupervised.

iloveeverykindofcat · 13/10/2022 07:40

If at all safe to do so, I'd let her out. She will get braver, almost guaranteed. Best thing I ever invested in for my 2 were their GPS collars. Yes it's an outlay but thei quality if life is so much better going out and I know where they are. Which is never far. Usually the garden or the neighbours.

WonderingWanda · 13/10/2022 07:48

I think if you are confident that you are playing with her enough then just stop giving un to her demands. Put her in another room and shut the door, if she whinges just ignore her for a but. She doesn't sound stupid at all, she sounds like she last got you wrapped around her finger....crying till the heating gets put on!!

Cat's are very selfish and don't entirely get the their owner cannot control everything. Mine hates the rain, he goes out in it every 5 mins, gets soaked, comes back in and bites someone because 'why haven't we made it stop raining yet?' He gets time out in the laundry room for 10mins when he bites and then he is all sorry and loving till he goes back out in the rain again 🙄

SunnieShine · 13/10/2022 07:51

Topgub · 12/10/2022 20:01

Ignore it?

Its a cat.

Put it in another room.

Csts are not "its".