To not speak to husband until he gets back

[Tophy124]

Husband is on a work trip in a different country. We share a DS who has been accident prone whilst his Dad is away. I’ve called Dad to let him know how he is, as he is a toddler and not yet talking.

Today he fell on to tile flooring from 2 feet up (in a standing position) and whacked his head very hard. I saw it happen but couldn’t get to him in time and am really worried about him.

Called his Dad who said why are you calling me? Be an adult and learn to make a decision on your own. I was calling as I struggled to decide if it warranted A&E or not, as no obvious concussion signs but he’s still young. I will be up every 2hrs checking him now and taking him in if anything progresses.

He has a lump on the back of his head but thankfully seems ok otherwise but it was really scary and so I was crying. I got told ‘oh it’s always woe is me isn’t it’ and told that running errands with a toddler in tow and running the whole house with no support (we live away from all friends and family) is no big deal. My toddler is hard work at the moment especially with the disruption of his Dad being gone.

Aibu to not speak to his Dad for the next 2 weeks until he is back off the work trip? I can reply if messaged but only about DS. I’m sat here wondering why I wasted my good years with this empathy lacking moron.

I feel like I started to hate him tonight.I hope I’m making the right choice in keeping him home and not going to A&E. Making all the parenting choices when I’m married seems unfair and ridiculous.

I'm a bit confused. Has he told you not to contact him and you can only reply if he messaged you first? If so, he obviously sounds pretty rubbish as a life partner. Is he always this unsupportive even when he's home?
There is something in having to make the decision as the responsible adult for your son (ie, make the call about going to a&e without having to consult him if he's away). But yes, he sounds like a prick.
What are you going to do about him?

Your husband sounds like a prick and I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to him.

When my toddler bashed their head to the extent of knocking themselves out, 111 told me to wake them every 2 hours to check they were okay, but no need to go to a&e. Of course I can't say it's exactly the same situation for you but that was my experience.

Hope things get better for you 💐

He’s vile op. Who the hell does he think he is?? He doesn’t respect you or what you do, swans off leaving you to do all house and childcare and doesn’t even appreciate it. Anyone knowing their head is worrying and needs monitoring. You were right, he’s a moron

I’m sorry you feel so
unsupported in your marriage. However it does sound as though you need to refer to your DH quite a bit and I find it surprising that a grown woman and mother can’t make up her mind whether her DS requires a hospital visit. To me in this situation if my DH were away (hypothetical DH, not married) I think I would take the child to hospital (a blow to head is potentially a serious injury) and then, if everything was OK, next time Daddy calls tell him about the experience - “He’s got a bit of a bruise and he’s got some painkillers but he’s fine” kind of thing. Of course, if at the hospital, things do take a turn for the worse (collapse? possible bleed on the brain?) that would be a totally different kettle of fish; You would need support and the child’s other parent deserves to know there is something seriously wrong with their child.

What an awful man you have on your hands.

He sounds as if he doesn't like you at all.

Leave the twat. I’m guessing he’s a moron in lots of ways?

Hmmm. He sounds like he was short with you, which obviously isn't nice when you're worried.

But I do kind of agree with him that you should have been able to make that decision yourself and then tell him about it later.

How many times have you contacted your DH to tell him about an accident your DS has had? When you say he's been accident prone during the trip away, it does sound a bit like you might have been contacting him multiple times to tell him about something that is wrong with DS.

Which could make him feel like you are guilt tripping him for being away / being dramatic and therefore have lead to the short reaction. The fact he made a comment about running the house being no big deal also suggests you were complaining about him being away being hard for you? Which again could have got his back up when he is away for work and not on a holiday.

Not saying YABU, just offering a different point of view.

He sounds horrible. But also, parenting solo with one child while your partner is away really shouldn’t be that hard.

This.

You do make it sound like you’ve been calling a lot for things he can’t do anything about and I kind of see his point about you calling to ask about going to A & E - you’re there, he isn’t. Unless he’s a medical professional with experience of head injuries it seems highly unlikely he can make a better decision than you. It’s like you’re trying to push off the responsibility and whine about parenting.
I can see why that might be a bit exasperating.

But I’m guessing you’re really calling for a bit of support and companionship because it’s lonely and full on looking after an accident prone toddler? If he doesn’t connect with you when you call just to chat, I could see how you might have gone this route - go with something “important” to talk to him about so he is less likely to brush you off?

So for me, who is being unreasonable over the calls depends a bit on whether he has been unapproachable/dismissive/unsupportive over contact generally and whether you have been contacting him about every little thing that has gone wrong instead of just getting on with it.
But also what your life is like when he’s home.

How is your relationship normally? Do you generally lack confidence when you’re parenting? And if so, is that because he’s critical of you?

Come on OP your husband is correct, what the hell do you want him to do when is in another country? You were there, deal with it. God help you if you were a single mum, stop acting like you are precious and grow up.

He is at work and probably sick of her constantly phoning because she has lost the ability to think for herself.

Not sure where people are getting the impression that OP is constantly pestering her husband over nothing. Maybe he can't do much over the phone, but the tone of his comments sounds hateful. The least he can do is offer emotional support to his wife when she's worried about their child.

Called his Dad who said why are you calling me? Be an adult and learn to make a decision on your own.

30 years married. 3 kids. Dh has had a lot of business trips, including 2 where he cut them short and came home because of medical stuff with the kids. If he had ever said this to me, I'd have been out of there - end of marriage. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who couldn't give a shit about his toddler child, and who had such contempt for his wife.

you know what you are dealing with here OP. You know exactly what you are married to. I wish you luck in sorting it out for yourself.

Come on OP your husband is correct, what the hell do you want him to do when is in another country?

Oh I don't know. What could he do? Let's think. Oh I've got it! He could talk to his wife and discuss their child's injury and give her some input into the decision and act like a normal empathetic human being.

What so many posters on here think is acceptable behaviour from men/husbands/fathers is actually disturbing. I think many of you have never met a decent man who behaves normally.

Its stressful when you have a young child who has hurt themselves and talking through a decision about a and e isnt unreasonable when it's not clear cut (you've had various advice on this thread ranging from he will be fine to go to hospital). Its also lonely being the only one in charge for extended periods. Unless you've been calling him about every fall and bump then I think he was unreasonable. And saying 'it's always woe is me' to someone who is crying is heartless, again unless you do it constantly and he just snapped, he sounds a bit nasty, I can't imagine saying that to someone who called me in tears about a potential medical issue.

I know a couple of doctors who get second opinions when it comes to their own children as by their own admission, it's easy to panic and harder to make a medical decision about their own child and whether they need to be seen in a hospital or not.

Pallisers - you've nailed it

I would have called my GP or 111 for advice if your child had a head injury and is not yet talking. I would have also sent a WhatsApp to my DH rather than call him about it at work. It’s pretty embarrassing for him to explain his wife is calling him and interrupting his work because his toddler fell over. Saying that, the way he spoke to you wasn’t nice at all and I wouldn’t expect that from my DH.

I understand that you are angry and upset but it is hard to give an opinion when we are getting only one side. You have said that your child has been accident prone when he's been away, why is that? Toddlers can be a nightmare in regards to accidents but is this only happening when you are on your own?
Yes, your husband spoke to you in a very unkind way and that is not to be accepted. It is not an excuse but he may feel frustrated/helpless being so far away but also if you are constantly calling to worry him about goings on at home, mostly minor then call about something more serious, he may actually be worried about your ability to parent alone and where that leaves him in regards to his job. As I said, not an excuse but maybe a reaction to helplessness.
What I find immature is the question of the thread. Asking if you should withhold communication as punishment. This is not ok either. I totally get that if you are angry you may not wish to answer the phone until you've calmed down, but to actively punish your husband, while he is away and your child has been injured is also cruel.
I think you both need to talk about whether working away works for your family dynamic and how to be supportive of each other going forward. Let him know in a calm, not huffy and manipulative way, how his reaction made you feel and that you deserve respect and consideration, but keep in mind that he deserves that too.
I hope your child is better soon, keep an eye on sleeping, eyes and if they are focusing well, good neck movement, toddlers can be very resilient! Also, if you are worried call out of hours, any deterioration or big difference in behaviour go to a and e.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots I don't know... offer some emotional support maybe like a decent partner would? Talk through the decision with her? But she IS NOT a single mum so why should she have to act like one? Imagine telling someone to grow up because they wanted to talk through a decision regarding their toddlers health and wellbeing with their own damn husband. Unbelievable.

@CoveredInCobwebs on what planet? It's really bloody hard.

To the ones who are saying grow up and deal with it- obviously if I thought hospital was needed immediately I would have driven him straight there. This was a grey area of can I keep him home and just wake him frequently, based on the NHS guidelines for hitting your head hard. I’ve set alarms and checked him every 2hrs.

What I expect and what I would do if I was working in a different country is I would find out how my son is and give advice and an opinion. It’s not just my job to carry the weight of all parenting mental and otherwise.

My son has a serious underlying condition and it’s always up to me to decide if he needs a&e for that as his Dad says ‘well if I say the wrong thing then you will then blame me if it goes wrong.’ This stems from me having a newborn DS who nearly died because he was visibly getting unwell and I had a husband telling me I was being ‘anxious’ and that he was fine. Thank goodness I didn’t listen to him that time! But it’s created a fear that I will get it wrong in the future and that one wrong choice can impact my sons life completely. If you don’t have a child with additional needs it’s hard to explain the constant knife edge feeling of ‘should I do this or that and what will happen’

Apologies for the drip feed I’ve been trying to work out why I don’t fully trust my own judgement and why I have anxiety around making all the health decisions on my own (unless they are clear cut). I live with someone who constantly acts like I’m being over the top or exaggerating. He doesn’t believe Covid is a big deal even tho I ended up in the hospital etc.

I have a job interview this week which I fully plan on taking even tho the money is crap, just to get my foot back in the workplace and to then build up experience again to get back to having my own career again.

Im from a family who give advice and are loving. He is from a family where nothing is ever a big deal to the point of ignoring issues.

I remember one trip away with work and my colleagues wife's was on the phone several times a day wanting help with rotutine decisions. It was passing the rest of us off, never mind him. Are you sure you aren't doing that?

Thank you to everyone who understood the point of the call was to get a second opinion and also for emotional support. Of which I got none.

He has had more than his typical amount of accidents the last few days, but that’s due to him rushing around the house and me not getting to him in time. If someone else was home maybe they would have got to him sooner before he fell etc but also maybe they wouldn’t have. He’s very much testing boundaries and I’ve been in the room with each accident and they have just happened fast eg him running too fast down a corridor and tripping and falling into a wall.

His Dad was not working at the time I called! But I can see the point a few have made about maybe he feels like I’m constantly calling with ‘this happened and that happened’. What I find awful is the coldness and it’s true, he does act like he doesn’t like me. He can’t stand me needing any kind of emotional support. But that’s his issue from being from a family who value independence and rear everything as no big deal. I talk about my feelings and try to get them out. He was NOT like this when we married and before I became a SAHM.

I think he would quite enjoy it if I only text him brief updates until he gets home. Something is severely lacking here and I look at my friends marriages and see friendships between them and their spouses. None of them have children yet, but their husbands seem kind and supportive. My stepdad would also speak to me about this stuff in a heartbeat, even if he was actually working when I called.

To those saying parenting a toddler alone should be easy - maybe you don't have a toddler at the moment?!? They can be an absolute delight but can also be totally exhausting and hard bloody work! If they/you are. It sleeping well then it can be really hard getting through a day sometimes.

My husband goes away regularly and I really don't like the physical and logistical exhaustion of managing two kids by myself, so I hear you. My family are also loving and supportive and so in my husband's absence I would probably call my mum or sister to ask advice about whether it's worth going to the hospital or not - I would not hesitate to call DH if they weren't around just to sense check a decision like that, unless it would unnecessarily worry him.

And even if you didn't need to call him or were making a mountain of a molehill, I still.wpjlsnt accept for my husband to speak t me like that.