To not speak to husband until he gets back

[Tophy124]

Husband is on a work trip in a different country. We share a DS who has been accident prone whilst his Dad is away. I’ve called Dad to let him know how he is, as he is a toddler and not yet talking.

Today he fell on to tile flooring from 2 feet up (in a standing position) and whacked his head very hard. I saw it happen but couldn’t get to him in time and am really worried about him.

Called his Dad who said why are you calling me? Be an adult and learn to make a decision on your own. I was calling as I struggled to decide if it warranted A&E or not, as no obvious concussion signs but he’s still young. I will be up every 2hrs checking him now and taking him in if anything progresses.

He has a lump on the back of his head but thankfully seems ok otherwise but it was really scary and so I was crying. I got told ‘oh it’s always woe is me isn’t it’ and told that running errands with a toddler in tow and running the whole house with no support (we live away from all friends and family) is no big deal. My toddler is hard work at the moment especially with the disruption of his Dad being gone.

Aibu to not speak to his Dad for the next 2 weeks until he is back off the work trip? I can reply if messaged but only about DS. I’m sat here wondering why I wasted my good years with this empathy lacking moron.

I feel like I started to hate him tonight.I hope I’m making the right choice in keeping him home and not going to A&E. Making all the parenting choices when I’m married seems unfair and ridiculous.

Hope your DC is getting better now.

Your DH was really rude and unsupportive when you called.

But silent treatment unless he contacts you first won’t help resolve things with your DH, so I think YABU to suggest it as some form of punishment.

Sorry you had that experience with your newborn . I think it's a normal reaction to be anxious over health related issues after that! I think a day to articulate what you want to say and then speak to your DH and be open and honest about how you are feeling and why. Explain why you may need some extra support. Hopefully he will be open to this if not then perhaps some counselling could help.

Some of you are in weird relationships if you wouldn't contact your husband as OP did.

Only you know if any part of what your DH said has any truth to it, but the fact that he showed no concern towards his DS is truly awful, so yes I would probably sit back and let him do the calling and asking about his child in future.

I think you were wrong to contact him and ask his opinion on this simply because he wasn’t there in person and so it’s very hard to judge how serious something is when you can’t physically see it yourself.

If he thought he sounded fine from what you said but he was actually quite poorly then you would have ended up not taking him to A&E on your DHs advice, even though he may have actually needed to go.

You should have made that judgement yourself because you were there with him and can tell if he was acting like himself or seemed in pain.

You shouldn’t have put that responsibility on someone who wasn’t there.

I would keep contact to a minimum just because I think you sound like you need a break from him and it may help you think about whether you want to stay in this relationship etc.

On my planet! DH travels a lot, I have 3 kids, the youngest is 3. It’s tiring with the 3 of them when he’s away but it’s not that hard. And it wasn’t hard at all when I only had one.

OP that is a pretty big drip feed and I can see why you feel especially anxious. He should be giving you emotional support, obviously, that’s what people do in healthy marriages!
But then even in your most recent update - it’s completely normal for toddlers to charge around, and bump themselves - of course you won’t always catch them, and you’d be doing them a disservice if you did to be honest - so I do think there’s a possibility that your husband is just fed up of you getting really stressed out over minor incidents (which is understandable given your DC’s health, but also not ideal for you or your DC in the long run).

Oh do piss off. I have 4 kids with someone who was away a lot, 95% of childcare fell to me and it was fine.

My first 2 kids, I took to the GP whenever there was a rash or anything that felt off. I found my first harder than my 4 th because I wasn’t experienced, everything was new. I had to learn everything and always erred on the side of caution. My ex was an arse in many ways but no way would he have behaved like op’s dh has when she was worried that their baby was hurt.

If you see the amount of posts on here of people wondering whether they or their loved on should be seen by a medic, you should understand that people sometimes need help and a second opinion when they are worried. She should be able to talk to the father of her child without him being a rude and abusive arse.

I would be making plans to move back to my parents. This man isn't a partner in anyway. Don't look for a job locally, look for a job near your mum.

If you see the amount of posts on here of people wondering whether they or their loved on should be seen by a medic, you should understand that people sometimes need help and a second opinion when they are worried. She should be able to talk to the father of her child without him being a rude and abusive arse.

Sure. But those people tend to have pretty serious concerns. In her most recent post she referred to their toddler running too fast down the hallway and falling over. (I wasn't talking about the hitting head incident.)
Look, I said in my first post that he sounds horrible - and he does. But I also think she sounds anxious to the point that he has just switched off. Either way, it's a very unhealthy dynamic.

Shocked by some of these replies tbh. You are perfectly fine to call your husband to discuss what you should do - doesn't mean you aren't a capable adult. I call my husband from the supermarket if they don't have a specific item etc and your situation is far more serious. Moron is putting it kindly - he's a dick. He should be able to take your call and discuss things like this with you. It's important. Another selfish prick of a man unfortunately with a nasty streak to boot. Sorry.

@CoveredInCobwebs I didn’t call my husband about the running down the hall. I called my husband when my son got a burn and when he hit his head hard on hardwood floor from a small height. Both times I called once my son was settled as I was obviously dealing with him in the moment. I’d expect a call if anyone had my son and either thing happened! A nursery would have to inform the parents. You seem to have an issue with me contacting my husband over normal things to contact a partner over.

If he switches off when people need empathy or if I’m anxious then the issue is him. My son once he is older can contact me anytime and I will support him, just like my family would do for me if they were around.

To other posters asking about family support, I live in a different country to my family/best friends so the time difference means I often can’t call or speak to them.
Its very isolating socially for me here which does not help

What I expect and what I would do if I was working in a different country is I would find out how my son is and give advice and an opinion. It’s not just my job to carry the weight of all parenting mental and otherwise.

Is he medically trained? If not, his advice isn't relevant, really. You're the one who can see how your son is and how he's responding. Your husband can't know the extent of the injury from a plane ride away.

It is your job to carry the weight if he's away and you're home.

I can understand why he got frustrated but I see why you doubt yourself. If anything, I'd use your past experiences as a reason not to ask for his medical opinion.

Aside from that, I wouldn't not speak to him but I wouldn't be calling him about every situation either.

Can you move back closer to your family and friends while he’s away?

@CoveredInCobwebs You do also realise that all children are different? My sons best friend is a very calm child who follows instructions well.

Mine is in OT and Speech Therapy and is constantly on the go and can find it hard to follow verbal instructions even with clear boundaries. Also most toddlers are whirlwinds. I have to watch him constantly and it’s exhausting. His Dad
has NEVER once tried to run errands or food shop or clean the house etc with our son in tow. I don’t even shower on my own when he is gone as I can’t. His Dad had the luxury of me always being around.

My son was an easy baby but not once did I say to people with tricky babies oh well MINE is easy to handle. Your 3yr old is also a lot older so I would expect them to not be as tricky to handle. You also have the benefit of having older children around.

He doesn't sound very nice or that he likes you very much. Is he unkind normally? Has resentment been building? It may be that having a child has emphasised your different personalities. In your shoes I would probably want a break from him.

OP of course I don't have an issue with you contacting your husband. And as I said, he sounds horrible, and yes, if he has switched off from being empathetic then of course that reflects on him rather than you. I was just also saying that your level of anxiety over your son's bumps sounds really extreme and not good for either of you (as in you or your son) - that's separate from your issue with your husband, though may have contributed to it in a roundabout way.

Either way - your dynamic is not good and you need to decide what to do about it. Giving him the silent treatment isn't likely to help, but space is useful so you can think carefully about what you want to do next.

@girlmom21 I FaceTimed him to see what he thought of the bump that had come up. He was not interested in giving an opinion and wanted me to just decide what to do.

Im realizing I doubt myself because anytime something happens he says that I overreact and so I then think ok am I overreacting or does he need to see a doctor? I need to somehow get more confidence back in trusting myself and my instincts. It’s hard living away from my family and friends and not having a sounding board.

@Fraaahnces I stupidly became a SAHM and moved countries to his home country, and so if he let me take him back to the UK, I would be starting completely from scratch (except what I would get in the divorce, but as most savings are mine he would get access to them and I’d get a small amount of child support off him). My parents are struggling to make it already with the energy crisis and so don’t have the space or the cash flow to really help. That’s why I’m hoping this new part time job if I get it will give me my own money again and I will start saving all my own money.

You also have the benefit of having older children around. Err? You think it's easier looking after 3 kids than 1 because two of them are older?

And yes, of course I know that all children are different. I have two NT and one ASD, for example. Look, if your DH does nothing when he's at home then I don't really see why it's that much harder when he's away, but with each post your dislike for him gets stronger and stronger so... why stay?

Would it be less 'embarrassing' of he framed it as... My wife is concerned that my toddler has sustained a head injury?
🤕

@CoveredInCobwebs I think I need the mental space and also to put the boundary in place that if you speak to me like crap, then I won’t be talking to you again. I will give him updates on our son of course if he asks. It’s my sons birthday soon too so will facilitate FaceTime, I just don’t feel like I need to speak to him and honestly don’t want to.

There definitely has been a huge breakdown in him switching off when I need emotional support. Which then of course makes me feel even less supported. If he doesn’t change we will be divorcing in the future because I would like a partner I can connect with, or honestly with him being gone often I could be a single parent and probably build my confidence back up. I definitely don’t need a man making me feel like crap and I’m realizing that with him being gone. My home has felt more relaxed in general and no having someone complain or criticize me. Even on the call about the head injury he got in a dig about the kitchen. I’d just spent an hour cleaning the house and sorting donations for the toy bank!

Just remember 111 is there OP. Rely on them when you doubt your judgment as they'll be more help than DH

It might be worth trying to childproof the home a bit more too if he's having lots of accidents

@Summerfun54321 He wasn’t AT work. He doesn’t answer his phone when working.

He was sat in a hotel room watching TV

@girlmom21 Im in a country with no 111 so would have had to be the local A&E which is filled with Covid cases right now which made it a bit harder.

Im going to have a think today and try to see how else I can childproof. I’d have to get rid of the table and chairs we use to eat daily as that’s what he climbed and fell off. He ran into the wall another time so that’s about slowing down. The burn one is easy to fix as have placed all electronics up high and we have a stair gate to the kitchen

@Tophy124 ah sorry I just assumed you were UK - I understand your conundrum then

Do you have an old play pen or something where you could just cordon off that furniture?

Wow even without the extra information I thought your husband was a dick! I have health anxiety and always worry about my DS who has bo underlying issues. I text and call my DH daily about everything! He’s very considerate and caring and supportive. Your DH is an arsehole! Hope your DS is ok today x