To not speak to husband until he gets back

[Tophy124]

Husband is on a work trip in a different country. We share a DS who has been accident prone whilst his Dad is away. I’ve called Dad to let him know how he is, as he is a toddler and not yet talking.

Today he fell on to tile flooring from 2 feet up (in a standing position) and whacked his head very hard. I saw it happen but couldn’t get to him in time and am really worried about him.

Called his Dad who said why are you calling me? Be an adult and learn to make a decision on your own. I was calling as I struggled to decide if it warranted A&E or not, as no obvious concussion signs but he’s still young. I will be up every 2hrs checking him now and taking him in if anything progresses.

He has a lump on the back of his head but thankfully seems ok otherwise but it was really scary and so I was crying. I got told ‘oh it’s always woe is me isn’t it’ and told that running errands with a toddler in tow and running the whole house with no support (we live away from all friends and family) is no big deal. My toddler is hard work at the moment especially with the disruption of his Dad being gone.

Aibu to not speak to his Dad for the next 2 weeks until he is back off the work trip? I can reply if messaged but only about DS. I’m sat here wondering why I wasted my good years with this empathy lacking moron.

I feel like I started to hate him tonight.I hope I’m making the right choice in keeping him home and not going to A&E. Making all the parenting choices when I’m married seems unfair and ridiculous.

You're a freaking adult. Take the wee one to A&E and get him checked out, then you can relax and you are fully informed if your husband wants to know. Grow up and start taking responsibility.

@Relevanceiskey

I think you're too invested in this thread . OP needs to grow up , be an adult and make some decisions whatever those decisions are . She can't expect someone not even in the country to decide whether to take her son to hospital .

@Relevanceiskey Sorry but if you think not being able to have agency as the mother without calling your husband for every bump, scratch and fall (which kids have every day) then it's you that is in a strange relationship if you think that is remotely normal. It is not normal!

It sounds like he was quite harsh with you, but it is odd that you feel the need to ask his advice when he's away?? Why do you feel you can't make that decision by yourself??

Also to add, if I was away on a work trip and my partner was constantly messaging me and calling and asking questions they should be taking responsibility for themselves, it would do my head in and I too would tell them to sort it out without me 😂

my advice:

when your husband gets home you explain that you are living an isolated life and he is your partner with all that entails, so when you are worried about something it is supposed to be him that you turn to. If he doesn’t acknowledge that then I’m afraid you would be better off alone as at least then you would have no false expectations.

Secondly, your husband needs to spend time alone with his child/ren. A proper amount of time to try to shop/cook/shower etc. If you are always there how will he ever realise what it is like? Ideally go away for a day or two or at least out for the day.

Thirdly, you maybe should get some official advice to consider moving home. I’m not sure I understand the logic of moving to another country to be with a husband who works away, perhaps some legal advice or consulate advice would help? Perhaps your family could access help in the UK for you?

Good luck OP and ignore some of the snarky cows on here.

The fact that you think he would/should answer a call re something as trivial as shoes says a lot!

A lot!

farmhouse

I think you're a callous parent if you don't want to know that your son has sustained a significant blow to the head and you suck it up as a parent, you don't get to pretend they don't exist because you're at a different location. 😂

It's not really a laughing matter is it, deciding whether to take a child to A and E. First time mum makes a five minute phone call in a totally understandable panic. Suck it up, dad.

cannibal

Is it other mothers you eat? Just wondering.

Whilst I think your husband is a bit of a twat, you need to be able to make decisions like this by yourself.

His reply wasn't nice but on the other hand I can imagine being in another country and hearing your child has had multiple injuries is stressful.
A different scenario but a family member was phoning me about things going wrong and seeing their number come up on the phone was giving me panic attacks.
I think I'm a wuss.

Hope your little one is OK, I had one who had multiple accidents to the point that one doctor in A&E made me sit away from him and asked him where mummy was when he was hurt. The 3 year old budding psychopath looked at me as if to say, "What shall I say mum, the truth or..........." Fortunately he decided on the truth.

Hope the little one is doing OK and you are feeling a bit better. I'd try and get a good nights sleep tonight and then see how you feel but if talking to your husband is stressing you then yes cut back on contact.

@CatsandFish its not about having agency. If OP had to I'm sure she would make the decision alone. But she doesn't have to. She has a husband. Also, a bumped head can range from barely a mark to fatal so dismissing that fact is unhelpful. This isn't a grazed knee.

If it helps op, my dd was like this, in primary school the accident book was almost all full of my signatures. She's grown out of it now.

As for your dh, he sounds like a prick! I don't suppose he's rung back to see how your dc is? Can you look at moving back to your support structure? If he's away with work a lot then surely it would be easier for you to move back home with your dc.

@Tophy124 Much empathy. We are Aussies, but we’re living in Europe and my DH was often away with work - once year for 32wks in total. I had three little kids at the time. He came home with what I refer to as “head up arse syndrome”. I had all the paperwork and passports stored at a friend’s place ready to return (against The Hague convention) if he didn’t agree to go to marriage counselling immediately. (Also refused to sign paperwork for me and the kids to renew our resident’s permits knowing his work would find out and he would be mortified - That was fortunate timing.) I had dealt with a little one with a broken arm, another with pneumonia and constant bullying at school (school was useless) all by myself and he didn’t want to hear about it because he was too busy having what was undoubtedly the best time of his working life. Because he absolutely had no option but to listen to me, it worked out. It does sound like he isn’t hearing you at all.

@Tophy124

You're being kicked in the teeth here by a bunch of smug vipers who think posting here is a contact sport amd anything goes.

Read what Pallisers said.

The bottom line here is that your H is not a partner to you in any way.

It's up to you to decide whether you'd be better off living where you have a support system in place; you have none where you are now.

Your H is miles from the reality of marriage and parenting, both physically and emotionally. You're effectively a single parent.

Sounds like it’s not the right relationship for you and it’s a good idea to try and build your own independent finances etc. He sounds very unsupportive. You need to try and become more resilient so that you can be prepared to stand up to him/move away or do whatever you can to make things happier and easier for yourself.

He's hardly 'swanned off', he's on a work trip. I actually agree with hsi first comment, what did the OP expect him to do, miles away She was on the spot and should be adult enough to make decisions, I assume he doesn't call her when there's a difficult work decision to make!

Whether you were right or wrong to call him in the first place, he speaks to you like shit. That in and of itself is a good reason to leave him.

Seems like he'd be unlikely to let you leave for the UK with your son though so you need to start building up your life and support network where you are.

Just rule him out of any and all equations. He isn't going to magically become what you need or want, so start planning your life without him.

And yes that's not fair but that's the way it is.

Op I go away for weekends sometimes and leave DH with 3 kids (and one with an underlying issue where for years it was do we or don't we... I've called 999 at times when I in retrospect didn't need to but he'd been such a poorly baby it was hard not to, so I get you).
Anyway, if I was away and a kid had an accident and DH was undecided what to do I'd expect a call and we'd talk it through . If he decided to go, I'd expect contact to tell me and then updates. Yanbu to want to share the care load with the child's father.

He sounds like a patronising dick and I suspect you deserve better.

what did the OP expect him to do, miles away "talk to her like a grown up and someone he loves instead of someone he endures.
" DS fell over and bumped his head and I don't know if I need A&E or vinegar and brown paper "
" Oh gosh, what happened? How does he seem? Is there a lump or a dent? What do you want to do? OK, that sounds like a good plan. I know it's hard when this stuff happens and I won't be home for weeks but I appreciate what you do for us"

See, not that hard.

I assume he doesn't call her when there's a difficult work decision to make! it's neither THEIR job or THEIR business. It is THEIR child.

And to answer the thread, I wouldn't contact him. If he says why haven't you, I'd tell him he was rude and dismissive when you called him concerned about his child so why would you assume he's interested in anything else you have to say, he's made it clear he doesn't consider it important to him

I'd take the next two weeks to think if I really want to be with this person still. And as someone who had young family members hit their headache alone it is definitely a grey area you would want to talk through with a partner. Especially as that goose egg on the head begins to grow. In the end we always went with an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. I feel sorry for the partners and children of anyone who doesn't get that

Maybe if he doesn't want to be a partner, he shouldn't be one. It's ridiculous that she needs to act like a single parent when she's not because the father doesn't even care that his son has a head injury. Not to mention, his wife who saw it happen is obviously frazzled and needs some emotional support. It's not about making a decision, it's about getting his opinion because HE'S A PARENT TOO. And you'd think he'd want to be included in the conversation. If he wants her to be a single parent, he should just let her know. I can't imagine hearing your child had an accident like that and not even asking any questions or showing any concern. She's not a single parent, but if I were her, I would be now, since he's shown how little he cares about that kid. He gets more angry at her for calling than concerned about his child. That's a shitty dad.

Where do you get that she had to rely on him "quite a bit"? Because of this one instance she shared?