To ask if school mum cliques upset you, or how do you deal with cliques?

[facefit]

I'm new to school, my child is in reception. I've noticed that there are cliques forming.

How do you deal with it? Or just completely ignore?

I often wonder if other mums think my friendship group I’ve made through our kids think we are a clique. We are just that, a group of friends who also help each other out with childcare and lifts etc wherever we can lighten the load.

I am fed up with the accusations of cliques. I hate cliques. I think it is part of our duty to the community to be open and speak to lots of parents. There are so many people that I have said hello to, smiled at every morning, but who never make an effort to ask me a question or volunteer any information. No wonder I'd rather just speak to people who seem pleased to see me.

What makes them cliques rather than groups of friends, in your eyes? It's perfectly natural that certain people will gravitate towards each other and make friends. Why would that be upsetting? It's not as if the whole parent body is going to form some massive communal friendship group!

People who think you’re a clique tend to be envious of your friendship and feel excluded or uou behave in the stereotypical mean girls mould.

in Reality a clique is a close knit group who don’t let others join.

For the majority I personally think for those complaining ir comes from a sad place of envy and isolation, loneliness, and for the friendship group, it’s lack of thought. They don’t understand someone is watching them enviously and feeling upset that they aren’t included or even they want to be included.

. They don’t think it’s their job to stand their smiling and welcoming everyone and are just getting on with their day, chatting to their friends. Which is totally normal. But there will always be someone socially anxious, desperate for friends, unable to approach. And some understand there is nothing malicious, it’s just people being friendly and others are bitter and blame it on the group.

in reality unless you’re volunteering no one walks around smiling at everyone and saying hello like you’re some form of playground hostess.

I feel the same way. I couldn't care less. I go in, chat to whoever's around that I might know, go home and don't think twice about any of it.

Maybe some of the mums already know each other, eg from pre-school or if their reception aged DC have older siblings at the same school?

It does sometimes feel like everyone knows everyone. But I find that most people are friendly if you start chatting to them.

Ds Primary school was the most toxic place I have been including my own school days, it was my happiest day ever the day he left for secondary school. Thankfully all the other children were going to another school.

Women are allowed to chose who we want to be friends with, and do not, in fact, have to chat to everyone.

Never found any cliques. Found some close friendship groups who aren't really interested in talking to those outside their group, but I smile or nod as I pass. And if I've needed to talk school business, they do.

Seen lots of open friendship groups as well.

I've also been told that certain groups are cliques, but I have never found those groups to be so.

I also find the people who see cliques, generally don't try to talk to people, and wouldn't walk up to a group chatting and just join in.

My advice, don't think clique, think friends.
Smile, nod acknowledgement, say hello.
And if the opportunity arises make conversation.

No of course not and I’m sure rhe op knows that deep down, and it would be logistically impossible anyway.

But it’s hard to be on the outside looking in, when you desperately want to be included but can only bring yourself to watch on, smile and say hi, but the thought of walking up and cheerily saying “hi how are you all doing this morning, i knackered little Johnny was playing us merry hell lol “ or “hey how are you all doing, do you mind if I join, you look much more fun than standing there alone” and just joining in, has you terrified and rooted to the spot.

everyone wants to feel included, accepted, part of the pack, but some people aren’t capable of it and don’t understand how others achieve it.

it’s a constant theme on here, those who make friends, those who don’t care, say hi, join in when they feel like it, don’t think about it, and those who want to make friends and can’t, who feel lonely and isolated and it upsets them.

It’s definitely internal misogyny fuelling these ‘clique’ perceptions imo. I’ve never heard anyone refer to dads as cliquey or think a random dad was a bitch at the school gates because he talked to his friend beside me but didn’t include me, a total stranger, in their conversation.

Its an extension of the idea that women have to be nice and sweet and friendly and accommodating* to everyone around them. And that has to come above their own wants, like just having a chat with their mate because they must always be nurturing and welcoming.

The reality is that a women isn’t a bitch because she isn’t your friend or because she doesn’t know you and therefore doesn’t invite you for coffee, or to parties. She might not even like you or want to be friends with you, she’s still not a bitch, she’s allowed to pick her friends.

Yes but it’s easier to lash out and blame others than to accept it might be you.

We don’t have a mum clique problem in my DCs schools it’s a rather big one as well. But does it really matter cliques will form everywhere sometimes you just don’t want to hand out with other people.

I have a group of friends since our DC were in reception. We socialise together, and yes I do chat to them in the playground. Sometimes chat to other parents too. We’re not a clique, just a group of friends who I’m so glad to have as part of my life.

@facefit Can you define for us what a clique is, and how you have differentiated some parents who already knew one another, maybe from a Nursery or maybe from having other siblings in school, or maybe because they are actually siblings or mates from elsewhere before they had dc, and are therefore already friends ?

Clique = a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them.

So, pretty much any close friendship group.

Op didn't use it in a pejorative way though. She simply asked if anyone found them upsetting.

I definitely see cliques / clearly defined friendship groups in my brief forays into the playground pick up 'scene' if you will. They don't bother me at all and I don't set out to make friends at school really. I'd rather keep it fairly professional with a bit of distance. But I don't think badly of anyone for being in one of these groups. I do notice how certain types end up together, but that's normal and to be expected anywhere that people socialise.

It's not cliques. Trust me! It's just people with a shared experience of having kids at school together having a chat in the morning/afternoon. Go and stand with them and have a chat with them if you want! Or don't - it's literally 10 minutes in your whole day (if that)

cliques how? you’ve seen women chatting, it’s not the same thing

It helps to understand the nature of school mum "cliques".

Fact is, most of them know eachother from before, nursery, location, baby group. They are people who are comfortable with eachother. They don't solely exist to exclude.

Instead of focusing on quiches, look out for parents that you recognise, identify with, smile at. Find/create a different tribe @facefit.

As someone who moved to a new area when my eldest was 3 d wanting to make friends, I can recommend joining the PTA. The people who volunteer are also often new to the area (or went to school outside) and so not involved in past histories - often going a ridiculous way back. Schools need all the extra funds they can get. Plus PTA bods also tend to be helpful & meeting them whilst organising events gives you some common ground. In fact if it goes well, you'll be accused of being a clique too!

Totally agree @1stWorldProblems - I did the same. When DD started in YR i didn't know anyone so joined the PTA. I now know pretty much everyone (small school), have made friends with lots of mums with kids in different years & can always find someone to talk to. I know I could rely on many of them if I needed it & we have a laugh doing events, despite it being hard work.

I think this is a case of knowing your achilles' heel. Cliques have never bothered me. Now or as a kid. Put me in front of an authority figure, someone who has actual influence over me or my kid, someone who knows how to wield that influence, and I have to batten down several layers of hatches and remind myself I'm an adult with free will, and I cringe like a scared dog internally while standing my ground. That's my achilles heel, I've worked hard on toughening myself up in that area. Cliques are boring though. For some reason they don't feel like something I need to swim into. I'm pretty happy away from other people and their complications though, so it makes sense. I can chat for eons, to anyone, but I don't need that inclusion side. I used to help out at PTA events but I always ended up being the person the kids would go to for random stuff, like the pied piper, because most of the other adults were too busy making sure everyone knew how busy they were. Suited me. Does that make sense? Figure your needs and wants out, then decide whether it's worth looking for those things in those people.

Ignore. Couldn't give a fuck about making friends, I've already got friends. I'm there to pick my child up.

Luckily my DC is at secondary now so I don't have to do the school run.

Its only been weeks…. People are making friends. Put yourself out there it’s not up to others to approach you.

I do very few drop off and pick ups so I’m not particularly good friends with anyone but I am friendly and I’ve met enough people through sport teams and play dates to have a bit of a parent network. That’s all I need!

I see lots at our school whether you call them cliques or friendship groups. I'm not bothered to be honest. I say hello to the two parents that I do know or to those that my kids point out. Otherwise dh normally does the school run, I'm often frazzled having done the 30 minute walk up a hill to their school to care what other parents think of me. If it is important to you make a point of talking to people.