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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if school mum cliques upset you, or how do you deal with cliques?

258 replies

facefit · 10/10/2022 19:35

I'm new to school, my child is in reception. I've noticed that there are cliques forming.

How do you deal with it? Or just completely ignore?

OP posts:
Coucous · 10/10/2022 20:06

It depends, are you a SAHP? Do you want to make friends or not? Are you hoping to arrange play dates for your children?

You can say hello to people. I ask my children who their friends are and arrange play dates for them - this is mostly when I see other mums. I’m only there for the children - nothing else.
I also work so never have time - but have made friends with some parents mainly through play dates and coffee mornings if I can attend them.

If there are cliques ( assuming they aren’t welcoming) I ignore. It’s not high school. There will be normal people - majority of the parents are just regular people. Most people have social circles outside of school - if you do you barely feel the need to get too involved in school gate cliques.

Ringbling85 · 10/10/2022 20:06

I take my children to school, wave them off, go home/to work. I literally do not care!!

TheWayTheLightFalls · 10/10/2022 20:06

I take my children to school, wave them off, go home/to work. I couldn’t tell you who’s friends with who etc and my eldest is 25 and my youngest is 10. I have never understood the anxiety around dropping your kids off at school.*

Similar to this for me. I think sometimes there are parents who live nearby / know each other from siblings or nursery / find themselves in the queue near one another each day, and then they get to chatting. That isn’t a clique. Cliques exist obviously, unpleasant ones, but sometimes people can hunt in the shadows a bit.

BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 10/10/2022 20:06

MakeMineALarge1 · 10/10/2022 20:03

I'm sorry you're being bloody ridiculous
Cliques.
Really?
Or just a few mum's having a chat before going about their daily routine.
What exactly is the issue, you take your child to school, drop them off, wave to, smile at other mums, go home.

It’s pretty obvious what the issue is.
The OP is feeling unsure of herself. She is watching friendship groups form and possibly feels excluded.
No need to be so unpleasant.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 10/10/2022 20:06

Whoops, quote fail!

Comedycook · 10/10/2022 20:07

The difference between friendship groups and cliques is subtle. Both my DC have finished primary school now and went to two different schools so I have encountered many different parents. My dds class was an absolute horror show in terms of parents. They weren't just groups of friends, they were utterly vile and exclusionary. A dreadful bunch. I used to feel like shit after the school run. I cannot tell you how brilliant it is now my DD is in secondary school and I don't have to see them

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 10/10/2022 20:07

I pay no attention to it at all. I usually have a brief chat with parents of my kids friends and then catch up with emails or facebook whilst im waiting.

BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 10/10/2022 20:09

Just to add. Cliques exist.
Unpleasant people exist.
Some women have forgotten that they are adults and behave like bitchy little teenagers.

Coucous · 10/10/2022 20:10

Why are people dismissing OP? There are some places which can be quite cliquey. Some mums never say hello back and only speak to specific people - it’s not usually personal. It does happen. If it does she should ignore as you would outside school. Most people will be normal however.

Katapolts · 10/10/2022 20:11

Maybe try chatting to another mum stood on their own?

Smile at everyone and start conversations - ask a question about school, comment on the weather, pay a compliment about their child, ask how they're getting on.

Or you could try joining the PTA - lots of friends to be made there.

BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 10/10/2022 20:12

Comedycook · 10/10/2022 20:07

The difference between friendship groups and cliques is subtle. Both my DC have finished primary school now and went to two different schools so I have encountered many different parents. My dds class was an absolute horror show in terms of parents. They weren't just groups of friends, they were utterly vile and exclusionary. A dreadful bunch. I used to feel like shit after the school run. I cannot tell you how brilliant it is now my DD is in secondary school and I don't have to see them

I agree.
I was fortunate not to come across this type of person but I had friends with children at other schools who had a miserable time.

SatinHeart · 10/10/2022 20:12

Agree thay they are probably just friendship groups, what makes them a clique?

My DC has just started Reception. There's a group of mums whose DC went to the preschool so know each other. There also a group of military wives who know each other. Then there's the rest of is stragglers.

My DC is the one in the class with quite obvious SEN and the other mums are already going me a wide berth tbh.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 10/10/2022 20:13

I've been a

Darbs76 · 10/10/2022 20:15

No matter what people are saying we all know there are plenty of cliques and not just ‘friendship groups’. I was glad mine were in breakfast and Afterschool clubs 4 days as I hated the cliques at our school

StupidSmallFruit · 10/10/2022 20:15

The OP is new to the school. I am assuming is northern hemisphere-based, so the school year has just started.

She can have no idea if it’s ‘cliques’ that are forming, or if it’s just people chatting and getting to know each other, and therefore ‘friendships’ are forming.

If she reframes it in her head as friendships, rather than cliques, she might have a better time.

Just keep being friendly and chatty. Invite the friends of your DC for play dates and go from there. It really, really doesn’t happen overnight.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 10/10/2022 20:16

I've be accused of having a clique but that's because my child and my best friends child are the same age and in the same class we speak to everyone but because we share school runs we were told that it was just us and we didn't let anyone in !, once they had realised we knew each other for 20years they relaxed a bit our class all get on and we all have fun together and chat at party's etc, there's only 1 out of 30 parents that doesn't get involved in anything

Angelinflipflops · 10/10/2022 20:21

What's the difference between people on the school run and people at work, they're all just people trying to get on with life, just chat to them if you fancy not sure why mums are my different

guerrillagirl · 10/10/2022 20:23

Well there was a ‘clique’ in my DC’s school year ruled by a horrible queen bee type who was constantly talking loudly about her wild and drunk ‘mum’ parties within clear earshot of the uninvited… but then she moved away and it’s all so much calmer and easier now

mondaytosunday · 10/10/2022 20:23

Cliques or friends? I had my group, we may have met at the school playground or coffee morning, but we had stuff in common and started meeting up outside of that. So naturally when it was a school thing we would sit together. We weren't exclusive- but you don't have to be friends with everyone.

EmilyBrontesaurus · 10/10/2022 20:26

They don't upset me. I only do one normal pick up per week though as other days kids are in ASC or OH picking them up. I don't do any drop offs.

I do notice them, but more as an interested observer...like I'm on safari or at the zoo 😄

I don't have any school mums who I would calk proper friends, although I like them all fine and can chat to any of them if needed. I treat them a bit like colleagues. Actually, I am probably closer to my colleagues as I see them more often

JonSnowedUnder · 10/10/2022 20:28

It can be different depending even on years, I've got 3 children all at primary and with the older 2 I have built relationships with other parents. Some are closer to each other but most are welcoming and friendly. 1 of my children's years has quite cliquey groups though, one set all work in a similar industry and the other set have similar 'bantery' personalities. Nobody in that year says hello to me at pick-up. Now I don't mind that so much as I always have someone to chat to if I want to from the other years but we went to a birthday party the other week and both cliques were sat at one table, I tried to say hello/ask about a spare seat and they ALL ignored me. I ended up sitting on my own and at the end they all just got up and left without saying goodbye. It was actually really upsetting and I'm dreading the few parties for that year that are coming up.

So it's not always just a case of ignoring people at the gate, especially in the younger years you can be thrown in with the other parents and it can be difficult if they are cliquey.

Autumnbutstillhot · 10/10/2022 20:37

Hate all this

hownice · 10/10/2022 20:44

There is a clique in my sons nursery right now where there's play dates and group chats involved and names of kids who couldn't make it and how sad they couldn't come etc and not to mention my ds's name not being mentioned at all despite a small class. But at the end of the day, ds goes to socialise there and learn and outside of nursery we have a whole life of friends and family who have children similar age to ds. Ds won't miss anything from being left out of cliquey mothers play dates where he sees those kids in nursery anyway and plays with them. We attend nicer play dates. I believe we should spice it up a bit and not be tied to one social circle.

Mamai90 · 10/10/2022 20:45

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I make small talk with some people but I have my own friends and can barely find time to see them as it is. Without sounding like a dick I'm just not interested in making new ones but I'm a friendly person so I'm quite happy to make chit chat but that's about the height of it.

Drop your kids off, pick them up and don't worry about what other people are doing.

NoGoodUsernamee · 10/10/2022 20:49

It can feel like ‘cliques’ but I do think they’re just friendship groups forming, some people are just more pro-active in this than others or already know each other prior to school starting. My DD started mid way through the year so groups had been well and truly established. I remember (embarrassingly) feeling quite jealous of some of the groups.

If you do feel upset about it I recommend trying to chat with 1 or 2 parents (the friendliest?.) This is what I did… I now know most parents to stay and chat to and have a few closer ones which I guess you could say are ‘my clique.’ Now!