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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Some random bloke just started an argument with me. 

113 replies

FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 14:44

I was just out running with my dog in the countryside near my house. I was absolutely minding my own business as I was determined to run 5K without stopping. My dog runs off lead, until I see another dog, which is rare, and I call him to heel or put on lead depending on situation. My dog doesn't like big dogs coming up to him and a while ago he was attacked by a pack of dogs and I thought he was toast! My dog totally minds his own business.

So, we were going along and these 3 dogs come round the corner without anyone with them. 2 large and 1 medium, so I put my dog on the lead and carry on running. No bother. I'm expecting owner to appear and call dogs back, but they don't. All 3 dogs start circling mine and sniffing his butt and one was in his face. I just carried on running. However, as I ran past the man started making comments to me very loudly, not sure for whose benefit in the middle of a field, about how "isn't it funny how people with dogs are the worst, and hate other dogs" and other comments. So, I stopped and said something about his dogs circling mine and he doesn't like it. Then he made some more comments and by this time I was enraged by this guy who I doubt would be saying all this if I was a man. So I told him I didn't think he was setting his DC a very good example making comments to a woman out on her own. Then he made some more comments, I can't even remember what, so I called him a F* Arsehole and jogged on with him shouting something as I left.

I'm not proud of using this language in front of DC, but I am SICK of men who think they can make comments and just carry on without being pulled up on it. I'm SICK OF IT. If I had been with my DH, I doubt very much he would have said anything.

I know IABU for using bad language in front of DC, but AIBU for how I handle my dog when out, or is he?

OP posts:
Begoniasforever · 10/10/2022 19:05

Honestly shocked at the level of aggression some women display. And are often proud of it but would attack any man for doing the same. And in front of their own kids. There is a way to handle making snidey comments and loudly hurling abuse and personal insults is not it op.

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 10/10/2022 19:05

Choopi · 10/10/2022 18:04

He wouldn't have started an argument with me. I would have just kept running. It's not about being subservient to men or anything like that, it's about not being the type of person that have an argument in public with a complete stranger over a complete non event. No one learns any lessons and everyone just ends up looking like a twat.

Sounds totally subservient.

I will continue to stick up for myself when misogynistic bell ends try and belittle me just like the OP. Men like that expect women to behave like you, like good little women who don’t answer back Hmm fuck. that. shit.

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 10/10/2022 19:06

Begoniasforever · 10/10/2022 19:05

Honestly shocked at the level of aggression some women display. And are often proud of it but would attack any man for doing the same. And in front of their own kids. There is a way to handle making snidey comments and loudly hurling abuse and personal insults is not it op.

Ugh. Are you always such a misogynist?

Eupraxia · 10/10/2022 19:08

I run with my dogs across bridal and footpaths.

I frequently come across arsehole dog owners whose dogs bother mine

I do not engage in any aggression (or conversation for that matter). Just run on.

You're not gaining anything by engaging, just increasing your ien stress levels. So pointless.

Oh, and the sex of people involved is irrelevant. Just as prevalent with both sizes.

Natty13 · 10/10/2022 19:12

I am a runner and the amount of men who make comments- "funny", cat calling, aggressive, all of the above is unreal. I totally blank them and if they get annoyed at being ignored I say "I am running you moron". We have the same right to enjoy public spaces as they do and we do not owe them our attention. Drives me mental.

Aprilx · 10/10/2022 19:13

FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 18:35

I am still feeling very shaken.

I've noticed that the men where I live are really aggressive. I see men constantly beeping their horns at people for no reason, winding down windows and screaming obscenities at people, mostly women. Don't instantly move on an amber light just about to go green and you'll get it. Turn right and the car behind has to take a minor detour round the back of your car, and you'll get it. My favourite is wanting turn right at the mini roundabout near our station. When the oncoming car is miles away, they speed up and go over the roundabout beeping their horn just in case you you were thinking about going. For a while I thought I was a terrible driver, maybe it was me, but then I went back to my home town and I noticed that no one was doing it there. Not once did I hear a beep or see anyone kicking off. The all just seem really angry here with zero respect for women. I honestly believe it is like this where I live.

A few months ago I was at work and creating a display. I wasn't with any customers. Some elderly man came up to me and said "smile, it won't hurt you". His wife got all embarrassed and said, "leave her alone XXXX, she's busy". Then he went on a 5-min rant about how I wasn't smiling at anyone. I was so shocked. It's not like I was serving him or anything. I was up a ladder making a display, concentrating on not falling off it. I think that this incident, along with my experience of where I am living, has put me on the major defensive.

I'm just sick of it. It is not all men of course but lots of them. I just went to the supermarket and decided that I am just not going to make eye contact with men I don't know. I just don't want to interact with them unless I have to.

Not sure why you are shaken when you were the one screaming and swearing at them. Your reaction was ridiculously over the top compared to what he said. Maybe go running without your dog and then take your dog out on a walk for him, for him to explore sights and sounds and gasp, interact with other dogs.

Angelinflipflops · 10/10/2022 19:17

I always think swearing at these kinda arseholes brings you down to their level, I will respond but without the swearing

FistFullOfRegrets · 10/10/2022 19:18

Burgoo · 10/10/2022 17:00

I personally wouldn't have gotten into the confrontation. There really is absolutely no point and it just makes life harder. If it was someone you knew then that's one thing, but a random stranger? I have much more important things to worry about TBH.

That said, I wish people wouldn't start arguing withs strangers in public places. I used to work as a police officer and the number of calls we would get from people (mainly women but also some men too, it's not a gendered issue) was astounding. They victim would get someone gobbing off, they would get enraged and retaliate and start screaming/swearing and the person would then smack them. Next thing you know we have people saying they were assaulted and it's a huge mess with loads of hassle and money being wasted (for the police) because people generally can't keep it shut.

As a guy I would be extremely reluctant to start gobbing back at someone who clearly has either a bad attitude/problem with their emotions or is just a bad person. Anyone who starts squaring up to me in the street likely means business, I am too old and have experienced enough to know it's simply not worth the misery.

The question I always ask is, what is it you are trying to achieve by getting into an argument with someone you don't know? If it's getting knocked flat, go ahead because the chances are someone will (or worse in today's climate). If it is to "win" the debate, it's useless because these types don't want to be corrected, they want a fight.

I do NOT condone shitty behaviour from anyone, and that guy needs a good telling off (and it will happen at some point, he will come a cropper when he starts on the wrong person). At the same time, the moment you start escalating your behaviour, you are now inviting a confrontation and that also isn't a bright idea. I did years in the job, and I very rarely had anyone start with me unless I was dealing with drug/alcohol users. My starting position is "what can I do to DE-escalate this situation?" and "what is actually going on here?" I do see though that a man acting in that way is intimidating to ANYONE (I am not getting into the gender issue here, I think it's a major red herring). In those situations we can easily move to fight/flight and we do or say things we later probably think better of doing.

I think it's just as well you EX police. Sad thing is, most of the ones replacing you think the victims are the problem.

Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 19:18

Honestly shocked at the level of aggression some women display. And are often proud of it but would attack any man for doing the same. And in front of their own kids. There is a way to handle making snidey comments and loudly hurling abuse and personal insults is not it op.

I agree but be careful as you’ll be accused of being a man or misogynistic.

There’s sticking up for yourself and then there’s being aggressive.

Bringing someone’s DC into it and shouting and swearing is aggressive. End of.

If the man was shouting and swearing at OP I would also say the same.

Whattaweapon · 10/10/2022 19:20

Amazing how swearing is apparently the worst possible thing a person can do.

Sometimes it's quite justified actually.

Some people here need to get those pokers out of their backsides.

Cocolapew · 10/10/2022 19:22

I know where you're coming from op, I have a 9 month dog who we are still trying to train to not act like everyone loves her when we're out. Shes a bit pully on the lead so we make her sit until other dogs or people have passed.
I have never had a woman make some smart arse remark about her behaviour or try to make me let their dog come over to her. Plenty of men though.
Dh has had the dogs coming over but not one snarky remark aimed at him.

Original poster
FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 19:23

I do not engage in any aggression (or conversation for that matter). Just run on.

That was my original intention Eup. This was actually day 1 of training for a race I've entered because I haven't run for a while and my goal was not to stop. When the dogs came round the corner and started circling mine, I just put him on the lead and made the conscious decision to just run on. I didn't even look at the man. I wanted to say "can you call your dogs off please" but I just carried on without getting into anything with him. I actually think that because I didn't speak to him, or acknowledge him, that's why he started on me. When I answered back initially, he upped his comments, and didn't want to let it go.

I totally hold my hands up for losing my cool and using that language but I am still not just going to let men get away with comments to me when I am going about my life, minding my own business. I have never in my whole life started an argument and am well known for getting along really well with everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 19:28

Aprilx

I am shaken as I have never called someone a f*cking arsehole in real life before. Plus, it was shouted as I was 30 feet past him, continuing my run, and he was still shouting things at me as I left. I shouted back so he could hear me.

OP posts:
LBF2020 · 10/10/2022 19:30

Yanbu. You stood up for your dog, and yourself. I like to think I would have done the same thing. Ignore the idiots on this thread who are saying yabu.

Original poster
FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 19:34

I really don't like dogs in numbers. My friend has 2 dogs that we go walking with, and once I saw them out on another walk with a massive dog and another one. The massive dog cornered mine and then the other 3 came over and joined in. I thought they were going to rip mum dog apart as a pack. I had to go in and pick him up. I was shocked as the other 2 dogs get on well with mine and walk together loads but once one turned on him, the others joined in. Every since then I've been more wary of dogs coming over to him together.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 10/10/2022 19:40

This reminds me of the time I was walking my dog and a huge dog ran out of a gate and at my (tiny) dog that was on a lead. I picked him up and carried him across the road and then the owner came out and called their dog back and said sorry. I think I kind of nodded and kept going because honestly my dog and I were both shocked. So man proceeded to shout at me “I said I was sorry, stupid bitch." Because I had not done my job as I woman and made him feel better and gave him my full attention.

IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 19:41

OP there are twats everywhere, just ignore them and don’t get riled. It’s unstreetwise to get into a slanging match with a man in a field.

WarmWinterSun · 10/10/2022 19:45

Totally agree OP. I had a man shout we recently when I was with the kids. I shouted back and it escalated into childish shouting on both sides. It made me so angry. When I told my husband later his comment was there was no way this man would have done that if I hadn’t been a woman. Some men get a kick out of hassling women. It’s pathetic.

Choopi · 10/10/2022 19:50

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 10/10/2022 19:05

Sounds totally subservient.

I will continue to stick up for myself when misogynistic bell ends try and belittle me just like the OP. Men like that expect women to behave like you, like good little women who don’t answer back Hmm fuck. that. shit.

Show quote history

But what do you get out of it? Like what's the point in swearing in the street at a man or a woman? I wouldn't expect my dh to swear at people in the street either. I get that for some people, like you seemingly, swearing at people in the street is seen as 'sticking up for yourself' and something to be proud of but I just don't see it like that. I see it as you lowering yourself to their level so you and the person you are swearing at become equal, you are both people I would swerve. If that makes me subservient in your eyes then I'm fine with that, I rather be the one that walks away with my head held high than the person rowing in the street. It's just different standards for behaviour really.

PoundShopPrincess · 10/10/2022 19:57

I'd have assumed he was talking to his DC. There was absolutely no need for you to stop, argue, shout and swear. Unless that's how you like spending your run with your dog.

been and done it. · 10/10/2022 20:01

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/10/2022 14:59

You were both just as bad as each other, keep your dogs on leads.

I'm sure she said her dog was on the lead. She's done nothing wrong..he's a rude bellend

Original poster
FeelingMoreFreeWithEveryYear · 10/10/2022 20:03

Choopi, it is not about getting anything out of it. This has certainly ruined my day and I will definitely not engage with men on runs moving forward.

Men need to be stopped though. If you don't pull them up, they'll do it again. They won't think, well she walked off with her dignity in tact, with her head held high. That'll teach me. In contrast I don't think that bloke in Tescos is going to be approaching anyone anytime soon. I'm not saying it is the right way to go about it. Obviously a very assertive, non sweary, response is better.

These men do need to realise that it is not OK to pick on women.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 10/10/2022 20:05

People are just doing this to get a rise now. I liked the "think of the children" one best.

IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 20:07

WarmWinterSun · 10/10/2022 19:45

Totally agree OP. I had a man shout we recently when I was with the kids. I shouted back and it escalated into childish shouting on both sides. It made me so angry. When I told my husband later his comment was there was no way this man would have done that if I hadn’t been a woman. Some men get a kick out of hassling women. It’s pathetic.

Sorry but that’s nonsense men shout at each other all the time, that’s partly how they get into fights.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 20:09

It funny all the pearl clutchers who would never dream of swearing "as it brings you down to their level". I want to be at their level when I am defending my right to walk/run/swim so that they can clearly hear me telling them to fuck the fuck off.

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