To think SD is taking the piss

[ponamo8127]

SD is almost 18, lives with us full time and has been in a relationship with a boy, 18, for a few months. Me and DH let him stay over a few times if they had plans the next day which involved them getting up early, but have made them sleep in a seperate room. This didn't work and he’d gone into SDs room in the night so we stopped him staying altogether.

Recently, she's been getting back late and bringing the bf back with her, she did this last night she did this and we told her he couldn't stay but she made the excuse it was late. He's still here now and they've been in bed all day as SD isn't at college and he's unemployed.

So not to dripfeed, we don't like the bf as he's unemployed, smokes weed often (can usually smell it on him) and seems to be lazy, but we haven't said anything to SD as he lives alone so she could quite possibly go and live with him which we don't want.

AIBU?

This exact scenario is why I left home at 17!.

My Mum wouldn't accept boyfriend and would list all his faults - he was never made welcome. So I moved in with him to get away from her nagging attitude. We had so many arguments about him I felt I couldn't speak to her when things started to go wrong.

She was right, he was an arsehole BUT if she had welcomed him into her home, had him eat or watch tv with the family, generally spent some time with him I probably would have worked out he was an arsehole without actually having to move in with him.

My teenagers have had a few relationships I didn't agree with, I opened my house to them and then when things went pear shaped they were safe under my roof and asking me for advice. I helped them navigate their breakups and understand what went wrong in their relationships.

My DS's love me and I love them so much, they are still very happy at home. It's not a knocking shop and there are rules but no total bans. I listen to them and we discuss things as adults.

@ZeroFuchsGiven 16 yr old sharing a bed with her bf is not something I would ever allow you definitely sound like you don’t give a fuck!

If I don't want them to, in my house, that's enough of a reason. Mine, or OP's, boundaries are none of your business.

my 21 year old lives at home still as has some issues. has had a few partners, and they have all stayed, as have males friends who are not partners.

my rules are, ask before inviting people. No midweeks while DS was doing GCSEs and privacy issues - nobody wants to hear anyone elses sex lives, so discretion.

OP When he's been sleeping round recently hes told SD she can't stay with him that night as his brother would also be there.

I don't really see how that's relevant 🤔

I've never understood the need to separate two 18 YOs from sleeping in the same bed under your roof

because people have conservative views and it's their pejorative to do what they want in their own house. I hate this bollox on mn of the need to crucify people for passing rules in their house that is different from theirs. The op's sd is 17 also, I wouldn't allow it in my house either.

YABU

They are 17 and 18... not 7 and 8.

Are you strict Christians? Do you say they should be married first?

Sounds like you're the one invested! I'm weirded out by those of you so delighted to have teenagers shagging in the next room. It's way odder than a perfectly normal stance of no teenage sex sleepovers!

@CallTheMobWife are you going to direct your hysterical reply to all the other posters who have commented the same thing as me? The OP made it everyone's business when they came onto an internet forum and asked for opinions on it fgs.

Nothin hysterical (nice misogyny there)...and I guess you never learned that "those of you" refers to more than one person?
Do try harder.

Oh please. Yes and if she gets pregnant the first place she will run to is her parents house. She isn't a big grown woman, she's still a teenager who has plenty of time to learn how to be an adult

this, it baffles me on mn how so many posters think that 15/16 is a full adult,never mind the 17yo in the op, and that they should be treated like grown adults. They are still kids at that age.
The hypocrisy too is that when an older man in his 30s or late 20s or so sleeps with a 16- 25 year old on mn there is outrage because she's 'just a kid' etc.

I don’t really see the problem, and if they have been in bed all day, unless her room stinks of weed, he obviously isn’t that heavy a smoker. I think if you kick off she will surely just go stay at his all the time. Better where you can see them, no?

Recently, she's been getting back late and bringing the bf back with her, she did this last night she did this and we told her he couldn't stay but she made the excuse it was late. He's still here now and they've been in bed all day as SD isn't at college and he's unemployed

She brought him back late, knowing you don’t like him staying over, and took advantage. I assume once daybreak hit, it was no longer too late for him to go home.

Sex is treated as a normal part of adult life in our house...because they're adults and because it is normal. My teenager is old enough to go to uni and have all the sex he wants. I'm certainly not going to stop it when he comes back to his own home. Nobody hears anyone else having sex; we're all on different floors.

They’re 18 and in a relationship and you made them sleep in separate rooms… really? Is your intention to stop them having sex? Because I can tell you now, that’s not going to work. Also, if he lives alone at 18 and is unemployed, he probably doesn’t have much family support or any at all… maybe give the poor guy a chance and get to know him better, he might not be as bad as you’re assuming.

Its not about the sex, in my opinion, my objection would be that he is unemployed, smokes weed, and that they have stayed in bed all day

my rules are, ask before inviting people.
No midweeks while DS was doing GCSEs and privacy issues - nobody wants to hear anyone elses sex lives, so discretion.

I think these are very good rules to have.

I would be concerned that he lives alone and therefore she could move in with him, so I would encourage them to stay at yours on weekends which means allowing them to stay in the same bedroom.

I do find it odd that he’d rather sleep at her parents house than at his own place with her.

I would go the opposite way - make him feel welcome. She’ll soon tire of him. But if you discourage her being with him she’ll try harder to be with him

Personal experience suggests that this simply isn't true. Parents go out. Cars exist. Al fresco exists. Friends do each other favours, etc etc.

Also, why stop people having sex? Moral reasons? STDs? Pregnancy? You simply want them to have as little pleasure as possible? I'd argue that if you don't stop them entirely then by reducing the quantity all you're doing is reducing their pleasure, whilst still allowing them to be immoral, get STDs and get pregnant.

Start cadging spliffs and sitting up all night giggling at shit TV with him!

There is a world of difference between teenagers who are underage and teenagers who are legally adults and on the verge of being in their twenties. You make it sound like the former. It’s really really not. The teenagers in question here are 18, 19 etc - so very nearly in their 20’s. Acknowledging the difference changes the perspective somewhat.

I just find it all a bit grim. Like an intergenerational sex commune. Also I don't consider "adults" living in the family home as dependants as fully formed people who get to have sex in my house

Just to add, I know some cultures have intergenerational living as standard, but that's not my norm and starting an adult sexual relationship means moving out into your own space.

@ponamo8127 I know you don't like him but if it's her first BF your DD is going to be a bit starry eyed and want to be with him as much as possible, hence the paper thin excuses for him to stay over.
I think you'd be better off having an adult to adult chat with your DD and pointing out that it's your home too and you need to all be comfortable with the situation, no smoking drugs in the house and basic civilities with each other. Don't bash her BF or she'll go on the defensive. I'd certainly drop in the conversation that you don't expect anyone to move in without your say so and if you can squeeze the contraception chat in even better!

If you carry on treating an adult like this you are sure to push her out the door. No way would my parents be telling me who I could share a bed with at 18. I’d honestly rather move out