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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this comment..

139 replies

Oncloud · 10/10/2022 13:18

We have a very wealthy friend who has retired at 50 and will never need to work again.
We are very lucky in that whilst we are older than that, we both manage by working part time , live frugally with a modest house.
By the nature of being working people we sometimes discuss our jobs... and that they are ok , not ok etc.. part of life.
She often says , in this context.. oh but i dont have to work, and claps her hands.
She often says also its wonderful to be retired. In a shop last week she said, hows the job , to a woman we know, followed by, oh i never have to work again.its great. Big smile.
My dh finds this either
A. A bit insensitive
B. A bit lacking in emotional intelligence.
C.( if he is feeling a little grumpy)
.. gloating. But hopes it is not the latter .

This person has had a full on supporting job role in the past. It is not like its been life in a bubble
. It does grate a bit at times and you see the look on peoples faces ,but she doesnt seem notice or to get that
It is a little insensitive especially in the current climate.
I find that its a bit annoying but i am seeking to understand that it could be just her ( she has an actively cultivated attitude of positivity towards life) .. am trying to find out if anyone has a different perspective of what this could be?? The responses i mean.. as i want not to go down the iabu route and be a grumpy and judgy human./ making assumptions .

Hence the request for others views.!

OP posts:
LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 10/10/2022 16:07

'Retired? Are you really? You never mention it'
What a monumental pain in the arse.

Benjispruce4 · 10/10/2022 16:12

It sure how to vote as it’s not clear but your DH is right. I’d have a quiet word with her about her insensitivity.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 10/10/2022 16:13

Oh, and as for her comments about how much things cost.......made me think immediately of this:

Spanielsarepainless · 10/10/2022 16:15

Your friend is an insensitive, smug pain in the rear. But your voting to say that is unclear!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 16:21

She sounds dim, self-centered and insensitive. I concur with your DH.

I have a friend who via a windfall was able to fully retire at 55; her financial advisor says she can spend with abandon. (Unfortunately she has no interest in travel or anything but her dogs, her boring old goat of a boyfriend, and shopping/ collecting tat.)

I've withdrawn from her a bit as the constant gloating and "where did I ever find the time to work? It's so great to get up and sit with a coffee and plan fun things for the day.." is so grating.

She knows full well I'm not keen on my job and that I'll be working for another 10 years as I didn't have the advantage of a husband who conveniently dropped dead leaving a large pension and insurance. (They had a grim marriage so the death was an unexpected release for her, she didn't even pretend to grieve.)

Psychonabike · 10/10/2022 16:23

It sounds kind of irritating...

...but, for me, it's not as irritating as women who outline a situation with a key piece of the information being what DH thinks.

Honestly, you could have just told us the situation presented with your own thoughts and feelings without telling us all what the man of the house thinks.

But I suppose what all get irritated by different things.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2022 16:28

E. Insecure about her life choices and feels guilty she's doing nothing now?

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 10/10/2022 16:28

A friend of mine told me something similar when we first met. I was delighted to hear the story of how she got there, as it involved ingenuity and hard work as a single mum.
I don't think she goes on about it every time she meets a wage slave though.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2022 16:31

I have a relative who frequently stealth brags about money, cars and travel etc. Even a diner at their house will involve being told the meat was frightfully expensive as it’s from a special herd only bred in one pace in the universe.

Im also early retired and very comfortable. I’d be mortified if me working friends thought I was bragging and I hope I don’t. I can tolerate the relative who is also a kind and generous person. Also extremely insecure about an impoverished childhood.

I really hate them showing off to my mum who really is hard up and will never have an expensive car ( nor want one). It’s just so odd to flaunt your cash to a poor person. Or at all.

Im willing to put money on your friend having acquired this wealth later rather than coming from wealth?

RaRaRaspoutine · 10/10/2022 16:32

She wants the "How did you manage to retire so early?" line to come trotting out so she can brag.

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 16:35

Oh let her enjoy it FGS

and your DH sounds like a bitter pain in the arse. Your retirements going to be fun Op!

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 16:37

Personally - retiring at 50 sounds shite

Remona · 10/10/2022 16:38

Had she only ever done this a couple of times then I’d say she just didn’t think. However, if she says it every time you meet and has been doing so for A YEAR, then of course she’s gloating.

She sounds like an insufferable pain in the backside to me. I couldn’t be doing with it.

Cruisebabe1 · 10/10/2022 16:38

Oncloud · 10/10/2022 13:26

She can be a wonderfully generous and supportive person.
I dont think i could tell her to shut up. I have said when she has said this is the life isnt it great to be retired.. im not.
Its been a year now.

So it’s her fault then that she’s wealthy and able to retire at 50? I am in the same position and have worked hard for 30 plus years to be able to finish work at 50.

“she is a generous and supportive person” but you resent her. Just get on with your own life and stop picking other people to pieces!

Eatmycake3333 · 10/10/2022 16:39

she sounds like she’s full of her own self importance!

Mosaic123 · 10/10/2022 16:41

I'd think your friend was not very bright to be so inconsiderate of others' feelings.

Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 16:43

Psychonabike i am not defined by what dh thinks.. perhaps I didnt explain correctly.

I was trying to say these are his thoughts . Because.. at present I recognise that am struggling to form my own in this particular (confusing )instance. But that these are the ideas he has come up with for now .. and asking if any of his thoughts rang true to anyone..( alongside recognition of my own struggle to quite get in touch with my own thoughts as yet )

OP posts:
Novum · 10/10/2022 16:50

I'd be tempted to go all sympathetic about how bored she must be, what a shame. And maybe at a time when you're not talking specifically about retirement, find an excuse to say how it's a shame how some people get really quite dull when they retire if they constantly talk about it

Stiltonlover · 10/10/2022 16:51

She also says things like oh where is the buikder I have 6k cash to give him, oh, yes i do like this part of the garden , happy to have paid 3/ 4 million so i can share it with people. Oh yes that art work did cost us a lot.

She sounds absolutely awful!

I think if you consider more closely you'll see she's quite obsessed by money.

Why is she telling you she has to pay her builder? Let alone the amount?! Why is she talking about how much her garden cost?

She wants you to validate how well off she is, how well she's done for herself. Horrendous.

Try an experiment OP - next time, banish your (understandable) embarrassment and see how far she'll go.
"Gosh how did you retire so early?" "Really, how did you manage that?"
"Really, how much money do you have in your pension then?"
"Gosh how much was your annual salary to be able to save all that?"

If you do this every time, you'll either out-goad her and she'll stop doing it (hurrah!) or she'll continue and it will be crystal clear how money obsessed she really is.

Calandor · 10/10/2022 16:51

I think she feels awkward about it. And making the comments is kind of like picking at a scab. Like she feels she has to mention it because she feels a bit weird about everyone else still having to work.

TeaTurtle · 10/10/2022 16:53

From all your posts, she sounds smug and gloating. She knows what she is doing.

Oliverfunyuns · 10/10/2022 16:53

She can be happy and joyful all she wants. Frequently gloating (yes, gloating) about it in front of people she knows aren't in the same position is just... rude! She's either clueless or intentionally rude, and it's difficult to see how she could fail to understand how it must come across to others. Does she not see their reactions? Unless she's generally lacking in emotional intelligence, I'd not feel inclined to be charitable in my estimation of her behaviour in this case.

That said, I doubt I'd raise it with her "formally". Some subtle, jokey reactions (urgh, please don't rub it in, etc.) might get the point across, or you could pretending you can't hear her gloating comments, giving no response at all. Tbh, she should already know that she's being annoying!

BusySittingDown · 10/10/2022 16:55

"Goodness me, I'd be soooo BORED not working!"

"It feels good to have a purpose."

(I actually hate it when people say this as I feel like it implies that people who don't work are brain dead).

nokidshere · 10/10/2022 16:56

She also says things like oh where is the buikder I have 6k cash to give him, oh, yes i do like this part of the garden , happy to have paid 3/ 4 million so i can share it with people. Oh yes that art work did cost us a lot.

Usually people who feel the need to tell everyone what they paid for everything are doing so from their own insecurities, like they have to 'prove' their success to others.

The thing i find hardest ( and its my crap)is the oh must divide some money up for the kids . Its good to be able to help them . Knowing that its a form of guilt for me as I cant help mine and ive been upset about it. Ive said I am glad for you, but hearing it makes me feel guilty in the past. She did say well, we all have different circumstances.

This is not her problem it's yours. What is the point in feeling guilty? Off the top off my head I'd bet there are a huge number of households that can't help their children financially. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and, even if you did, it would still be a wasted emotion. Your friend isn't responsible for your insecurities. Ignore and nod, tell her she's being an arse or get rid of her as a friend.

nokidshere · 10/10/2022 17:01

I'd be tempted to go all sympathetic about how bored she must be, what a shame. And maybe at a time when you're not talking specifically about retirement, find an excuse to say how it's a shame how some people get really quite dull when they retire if they constantly talk about it

Why would you do that though, this is a friend? Can people not talk to their friends anymore? Just tell her how she makes you feel, acknowledge that you have your own insecurities about the situation and tell her to stop going on about it.

If you really have to tiptoe round your friends then you need new ones.