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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this comment..

139 replies

Oncloud · 10/10/2022 13:18

We have a very wealthy friend who has retired at 50 and will never need to work again.
We are very lucky in that whilst we are older than that, we both manage by working part time , live frugally with a modest house.
By the nature of being working people we sometimes discuss our jobs... and that they are ok , not ok etc.. part of life.
She often says , in this context.. oh but i dont have to work, and claps her hands.
She often says also its wonderful to be retired. In a shop last week she said, hows the job , to a woman we know, followed by, oh i never have to work again.its great. Big smile.
My dh finds this either
A. A bit insensitive
B. A bit lacking in emotional intelligence.
C.( if he is feeling a little grumpy)
.. gloating. But hopes it is not the latter .

This person has had a full on supporting job role in the past. It is not like its been life in a bubble
. It does grate a bit at times and you see the look on peoples faces ,but she doesnt seem notice or to get that
It is a little insensitive especially in the current climate.
I find that its a bit annoying but i am seeking to understand that it could be just her ( she has an actively cultivated attitude of positivity towards life) .. am trying to find out if anyone has a different perspective of what this could be?? The responses i mean.. as i want not to go down the iabu route and be a grumpy and judgy human./ making assumptions .

Hence the request for others views.!

OP posts:
nokidshere · 10/10/2022 14:44

The clapping her hands and being gleeful sounds childlike, maybe that's just her mannerisms.

I'm retired, my friends are not. I love being retired and they hate working, it is what it is. I empathise when they are moaning about work, tease them that they 'only' have 10 more years to go, they tell me to 'stop showing off' or moan about how lucky I am.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying the phase of your life you are in. I'm not going to stop telling them (and they wouldn't want me to) when I've had a lovely lazy day just because they are bogged down at work.

I've worked my 45yrs, it's not my fault that they are younger than me.

The hard thing for me was in a retired group of her and retired friends saying , isnt it wonderful to be retired and smile at each other. I said one of us isnt.

So no one is allowed to be happy they are retired because you aren't? That's just being silly. I would have replied to that comment 'yeah you lucky buggers'.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 10/10/2022 14:44

I’d say something like . Enough is enough! Some people are really struggling right now!

Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 14:47

Its said
In their group
Its said to us ( workers)
Its said to people in shops .( who we know) .
Its said most times we meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 14:50

Also has said dont work too hard.
Up post is a poster who is retired and she ribs her mates about it in good jest , so maybe its me .. just not getting it .

OP posts:
Ihavehadenoughalready · 10/10/2022 15:04

Say something like "while it's very nice for you and I'm happy for you, other people do still need to work to have adequate money coming in, and I think some people might think you are being a bit gloaty."

Does she do volunteering at all? She could still work, but just not get paid.

Also if more is mentioned about the big house, ask her if she's considered downsizing to solve her space "problem", otherwise perhaps you don't want to hear complaining when most people have the opposite problem. She can downsize and give the profit to charity if she's that wealthy.

I'm not sure why she is so tone-deaf, and it's almost like she's trying to make people jealous of her.

If she was born into wealth, you might casually mention that people born on third base don't get to claim a home run.

Blondewithredlips · 10/10/2022 15:17

She sounds vile I'm afraid. I have a friend that is similar and am in the process of gradually finishing the friendship because I cannot stomach this behavior or make excuses for it.

mam0918 · 10/10/2022 15:26

'Never have to work again' I would just view as ignorant because no one knows what the future holds, loads of people retire then have to return to work from changes in circumstance.

I also dont find it a 'proud' thing, as a disabled person and a carer not having an 'employed' job doesnt impress me because its been my reality and is for millions like me.

chilliesandspices · 10/10/2022 15:42

I'm happy for people who have been able to retire. I don't enjoy work but I'm comfortable enough financially so it is what it is. I'm in my early 30s and there's a little part of me that worries I'll never get to the point of retiring comfortably so it's nice to see some people reach that point.

I think I'd only find her comments upsetting if I was working full-time and still struggling for money which I guess is a lot of people these days.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2022 15:42

I'd actually tackle this from a different angle. She says that she'll "never have to work again". On that front I'd actually say "Well Doris, we never know what is around the corner for any one of us, so you say you'll never have to work again, but we just don't know. What if there was a huge bill you couldn't cover? I wouldn't count my chickens just yet. What with energy prices going up, some people are taking on second jobs so that they can both heat and eat. You're comments could be seen as upsetting to them, don't you think?"

This has been going on for a year now. I might even go with a sarcastically said "I know" if she said it again and then I'd try to change the subject to something more neutral like the weather.

Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 15:45

Could it be just the perception of things and what is ok to discuss / say...
I was always brought up not really to say what things cost etc and also to be circumspect about others.
She also says things like oh where is the buikder I have 6k cash to give him, oh, yes i do like this part of the garden , happy to have paid 3/ 4 million so i can share it with people. Oh yes that art work did cost us a lot.
The thing i find hardest ( and its my crap)is the oh must divide some money up for the kids . Its good to be able to help them . Knowing that its a form of guilt for me as I cant help mine and ive been upset about it. Ive said I am glad for you, but hearing it makes me feel guilty in the past. She did say well, we all have different circumstances.
I feel like am drip feeding now unintentionally.Am not meaning to , its just that have started overthinking this.
I worry that if i ask her to consider others she may simply say well we all have different circumstance, and feel she will not get why it could sound goady, because she seems so free in talking about it ,and may see it as sour grapes in others / that rhe issue would be their jealosy, as opposed to a need to be circumspect at times.
I also think making a joke of it .. like yeah yeah dont go on would either be seen as jealousy or perhaps not hit home.

I appriciate the chance to explore this, and will work out an approach. I am aware it can look a bit of in the local shops etc also. I will re read thread later.

OP posts:
Choconut · 10/10/2022 15:45

If she's generally nice then I would just think she knows she's worked very hard before (and perhaps didn't like it too much) and is now feels so happy and lucky that she doesn't have to work.

Choconut · 10/10/2022 15:47

Ok, latest post sounds like she is money obsessed and uses the fact she has a lot of it to patch up her low self esteem.

Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 15:48

LookItsMeAgain she is 100% sure wont have to work again . Her financial advisor has told her that for sure .

OP posts:
Zofloraeverywhere · 10/10/2022 15:48

‘Nobody likes a braggart, dear’

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 10/10/2022 15:50

She sounds incredibly insensitive. I think it’s OK for people of retirement age to bang on about how wonderful it is - they’ve done their time. But for someone of 51, it’s just boastful.

Original poster
Oncloud · 10/10/2022 15:52

Nobody likes a braggart.. I imagine shw wd just say oh its because I am.so happy not to have to work. And why do people need ro be likethat? I really can hear that . And then I wd feel awful.

OP posts:
ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 10/10/2022 15:55

I have another thought, simply that if you are discussing work, she might feel like she has nothing to contribute and actually might feel a bit left out, rather than being in the thick of it like everyone else, it might be a very clumsy way of moving the conversation along.

Don't get me wrong if it is that then yes, she is lacking emotional intelligence because even if you have stopped working you can still talk about it with others, but I would wonder if it might not be coming from the smiley and happy place you think.

Just another perspective.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 15:55

Most people I know who are wealthy (and I know a few of them) never talk like this because it's rude/not good manners to mention money or boast about it.

The odd person I do know who talks about this, is definitely trying to big themselves up, make themselves seem better (I know they're just in an average house) but it seems insecurity is at play there.

I'd probably say something along the lines of 'it's rude to boast about money, did no one ever tell you that?' but I probably then wouldn't say it.

billy1966 · 10/10/2022 15:56

Kindly meant OP but she sounds ghastly and you sound a little naive to put it very nicely........she is utterly insufferable and unkind to boot.

NO ONE is THAT obtuse.

I would be mortified to be in the company of someone so vulgar and crass.

Have a think!🙄

YoungYankee · 10/10/2022 15:57

I don't think this is acceptable behavior at all, it's bragging and insensitive, and if she's really a friend you should be able to tell her that. Frankly, it is for her own good for you to tell her to stop doing this because most people find boasting annoying and the more she does it, the less people will like her

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 15:57

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 10/10/2022 15:55

I have another thought, simply that if you are discussing work, she might feel like she has nothing to contribute and actually might feel a bit left out, rather than being in the thick of it like everyone else, it might be a very clumsy way of moving the conversation along.

Don't get me wrong if it is that then yes, she is lacking emotional intelligence because even if you have stopped working you can still talk about it with others, but I would wonder if it might not be coming from the smiley and happy place you think.

Just another perspective.

Well, she should think about other things to discuss, rather than work. To say what she said to the woman in the shop, it's totally unnecessary, uncalled for and a few people might be offended by this. Some people might just let it go over their heads.

Rainbowshine · 10/10/2022 15:57

“Look, friend, I am not sure if you’re aware but when you said that comment in the shop the other day, it clearly upset some people listening. I saw them sharing a bit of a look and I think it was a case of needing to read the room a bit better. It’s good that you’re enjoying retirement, but people are really struggling already with money, rent and bills. You must have seen that in the news. Some of us can’t wait to get there and don’t want it rubbed in that we’re still working - save the comments for when you meet your fellow retired friends who will appreciate it more!”

Retrievemysanity · 10/10/2022 15:58

Hmmm ok so I have a slightly different take on it. She relatively young and you’ve said people ask about your job so that’s a conversation she can’t join in with so maybe it’s her way of joining in. Perhaps she actually misses work or is trying to convince herself that retirement is really great especially as she’s a positive person.

RobertaFirmino · 10/10/2022 15:58

Could you say something along the lines of 'I actually prefer to keep working - it's so sociable and it's really important to cultivate a life outside the home, wouldn't you agree?'

BadNomad · 10/10/2022 16:04

I'd say she just happy and not aware that other people would be jealous of her instead of being happy for her. Like how women talk about how much they love being mothers in front of their childless friends. Or when people talk about the foreign holiday they went on to their friend who could only afford to go to the caravan. It's not bragging exactly, it's just not thinking that other people might not be happy for you.